I realized that it is almost one year since I have been at this horribly high (and I thought abnormal for me... but after a year, well, I don't know?) weight.
I can't take it anymore.
I'm getting married in May. My dress looks sort of fine except that my arms are enormous - which no amount of weight lifting or push ups or Insanity is going to fix.
I must lose weight.
I must be back in the low 130s.
(Even that number is absurdly high... so what does that make my current weight? Whale-size?)
I have no choice.
I must.
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Another year has gone by
Happy new year!
I have a bit of news to share...
So there's that. Now we are in the midst of planning a teeny tiny wedding and worrying about immigration. My holidays in France and London were wonderful and I was able to relax and enjoy being with Benjamin for two whole weeks (which is an eternity for us). It's amazing that 2014 whizzed by at such an amazing pace.
But where am I now? Well, I started work again and am traveling to visit my parents/brothers/sister-in-law next week on the West Coast. I need to begin training for my half marathon at the end of March and I am extremely (perhaps worse than ever?) unhappy with the state of my body. I am still trying desperately to not spiral into a dark period of restriction and misery, but part of me feels like it is inevitable. I can't imagine standing in front of my friends in my pretty white dress and being fat. I don't want to have the most important photographs of my lifetime document this body. I must be thinner. I just must be thinner.
I hate how unhealthy my thoughts have already become. Why can't I be one of those people who never gives their weight a second thought. Who is healthy and happy and satisfied with their strength and abilities and flaws... Maybe that will never be me. Does anyone else ever feel this way?
Furthermore, I was discussing my sedentary lifestyle with Benjamin this morning. It is so discouraging that after seven years in university, where I ran between work and class and walked all over campus and the small town where I lived, that I have lost my normal daily activity. Sure, I can exercise, and I do, but living in the countryside and working in an office is surely taking a toll on my health and have an immense negative influence on my weight.
All of this makes me stressed. Add in the tiny wedding and immigration issue ($5k+ to hired a lawyer to sort out a green card! Yikes!) and I am already starting to feel overwhelmed. I downloaded the Lose It app (which I know will make me obsessive, but I did it despite my better judgement) to record how much I am taking in and finally get a handle on all of this.
I don't know. I just don't know. On one hand I am so happy to be embarking on this wonderful, amazing life adventure. On the other, I am so dissatisfied with me.
Just breathe
I really have become such a sporadic writer around here in the last year or so.
So...
The last month was a mix of ups and downs. On the 6th of September, Benjamin arrived. On the 7th, I crashed and burned at my marathon (really, it was an utter disaster). Then we spent two blissful weeks going to a wedding, seeing movies, hanging out with his parents, hanging out with my parents, having important conversations, and drinking wine. On the 20th, I drove him back to the airport and off to France he went. I spent the next several days crying off and on. I went to another wedding without my date, but still managed to have a great time (despite a minor crisis the morning of the event where I had nothing to wear, since I have gained weight and nothing fits). I finally set up an appointment with a nutritionist and am going to see her on Wednesday (more on that in a bit) and ran twice this week. I have also been riding my bike to work on occasion. Oh, and to top it off, yesterday I was in a complete panic when I realized that I had finished my pack of birth control one week ago and still has not started my period. I usually get it two days after the pack is finished. I took a pregnancy test and it is negative. I am just going to wait another week, if it does not appear I will visit the doctor for a consultation and possible blood test.
So here we are.
I am insanely nervous about meeting this nutritionist on Wednesday. She had an eating disorder when she was younger and currently specializes in nutritional counseling for plant-based diets and those who have emotional issues/disordered eating patterns. Her intake/history form was approximately six pages and it was difficult to be honest. But, I know I need to be honest, because my body is out of control at the moment. I cannot have another breakdown in my room when I realize that all of my beautiful clothes no longer fit or I get on the scale and see a horrific number that I swore I would never see in my life. I am also trying to be reasonable and rational and approach this with help. I know that if I do not have someone's help, I will end up fasting and restricting and being more miserable than I am at the moment. I am a bit proud that I am trying to address this in a healthy way, for once.
For the rest of the weekend, since yesterday was just a whole bundle of stress, I am trying to relax a bit. I cleaned and did some laundry, ran a few errands, and treated myself to a soy latte and new yarn. I have been knitting up a storm lately. I wish I could socialize with someone, anyone tonight... it would be better than being alone for the second evening in a row. For the most part, being sad and stressed makes me want to be in another human's presence, not isolate myself. Or at least, the isolation makes me feel worse, not better... I don't know. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a horrible place, yesterday was just complicated. Fortunately, Benjamin is amazing. He was calm and reasonable, as always, and did not seem scared in the slightest. He just said if I end up being pregnant, we will adapt and it will be great (not fine, but great). Bless him.
Just trying to remind myself to breathe.
New year. New me?
A new year. A time to start over and make changes.
We do it every year, don't we? We decide to eat this, not eat that, adopt this new exercise regime, fit into these clothes, practice yoga, relax, save money...
I cannot say that I am immune. I made a list of resolutions with the usual suspects making the rounds. I think I am finally in a good, stable place in my young adult life that I can dedicate the time and energy it takes to losing the weight I want for good. I re-started Insanity, and my goal is to make it through to the end (I stopped just a bit short last summer). I am signing up for a marathon in May, so I will start training for that in February. Additionally, I have made a ton of travel plans, including another trip to France in February. Things with Benjamin as just so. damn good. He and his family allowed me to have an amazing holiday and I am constantly surprised by how smoothly this all operates. (And as a side note, I was able to see Pauline's grandmother and get everyone their presents after all. It was clearly painful for her but it was so good to see her.) He is not afraid of the future at all, he just makes plans. He already bought his plane ticket and took his vacation for May. We planned out our entire year of travel (you can all remember how it was like pulling teeth with Juan, and he could never commit to anything and barely wanted to communicate with me at all). I just cannot wait until May to see Benjamin. Four months is too long, and since I can barely afford the ticket, I feel like it is money well spent. I made a budget for the year so I can really make a good dent in my student loans. In fact, considering it is just the beginning of January, I feel like I am off to a great start and have plenty of momentum to carry me through.
But then, again, I am still dissatisfied with the same old, same old.
I came home from France about one pound higher than when I left.
Unfortunately, that one pound is at the utmost highest limit of my weight range. I literally want to crawl out of my skin and take on another body. Perhaps this constant discomfort will finally, finally lead me to reach my goal...
I found a food/weight diary from around the time when Juan broke up with me, January 2012, and I was so disciplined. I was comfortably under 130 pounds and eating in an extremely controlled manner. I have started my food diary again, but I know I am still eating too much to lose weight quickly. Reading my intake at the end of the day, however, is a wake up call... as is having to get on the scale and write that number down in black-and-white. I have to make a change. I am tired of being so unhappy and uncomfortable with this aspect of my life. Enough is enough.
Maybe I need to start recording it here too? I know that recording intakes/weights can be very triggering for some people, and that isn't my goal. Perhaps my little notebook is enough of a conscience for now. I do not want my blog or actions to impact anyone else.
This post is becoming such a rambling mess.
I promise that for the most part, I am feeling good. I am happy. I am settling in well with my job and things are amazing with Benjamin. I wish I had more social opportunities, since I live in a really rural area and only have a few friends here, but I can handle it. I am excited about Insanity and training for another marathon. I ran a 10k in France that went extremely well considering I had barely been running, so I'm excited to see how I can improve my marathon time with some dedicated effort. My travel plans are coming together - France in February/July/Christmas, and Benjamin is coming in May (we are going out to northern California and up to visit my brother in Seattle), August/September and November. It's just this one, final thing that is always nagging.
Why can't I just have the genetics/discipline/good fortune to not be fat?
It's been a while
I know, I know, it has been a while...
Now I finally have time for some regular updates AND if the past is any indication for my future, writing on here has always helped me lose weight, and right now that is a major goal. But we will get to that in a minute.
So lately... things with my boyfriend are going smashingly. We Skype a lot and have exchanged a bit of mail. We managed to talk about some tough things, especially concerning Pauline, and are just really solid (which is incredible, considering the distance). Unlike with Juan, who I was constantly afraid would lose interest, Benjamin has already made travel arrangements to spend almost three weeks here with me in November, and invited me for Christmas. He is constantly making me feel appreciated and it is obvious that he truly cares about me. I am in a very good, safe, comforted place with this.
In other news, I restarted Insanity, so I begin week two tomorrow. I will also be taking yoga classes at least once a week with a friend who is going through teacher training. She is awesome and needs to practice being a yoga teacher, and I am an eager poor student, so we are a great match. And if that was not challenging enough, I have been trying to keep some regular running dates (8 miles tomorrow after Insanity!!) and am organizing a 5k for Thanksgiving.
The biggest news of late, which is legitimately huge, is that I received a job offer today! I have been hunting since May, and had a bunch of phone interviews, but this was my first offer. I am definitely going to take it, as the job is interesting, I am qualified and prepared for it, I can live at home, and the salary is quite good. I will be able to work on paying off my student loans ASAP and get a new car (mine is about to start having horrible things go wrong with it and will not be worth fixing). Also, it is much easier to get to France from here than, say, San Francisco or Madagascar (both places I interviewed for). I feel like it's a bit of a dream to begin my first adult job, after all of these years in school, but I am psyched.
And then, as always, there is my weight. I came from France at an embarrassingly high weight. Not that I gained that much (four pounds), but I was too heavy before I left, and have not seen the scale budge since I returned. Since my boyfriend is arriving in 55 days and I am about to start a new chapter in my life, now is just as good of a time as any to get into gear. The results from Insanity will be so much better if change my eating and I will fit back into some of the clothes I would like to wear to work. I am somewhat satisfied with how my body looks, to be honest. I wish I didn't have such a double chin when I smile and that my thighs/arms/waist were a bit slimmer, but overall I think I have battled a lot of those demons when I was away this summer. That being said, I know that when I am stressed and busy (which is about to happen), those thoughts creep back and certain behaviors return. I am trying very hard to be health, but at the same time, I would love to reach my dream of 125 (well, my ultimate dream is 118, but it's impossible and I would probably look ill). In short, I do not have a very well laid-out plan for my meals yet, but I am going to work on planning the next two weeks tonight and tomorrow and it is obvious that I need to track my calories. The exercise I am doing is great and healthy. I just need to keep the other bits healthy too.
How the hell is everyone??? I am up to date (for the most part) on reading, but I feel so disconnected.
Now I finally have time for some regular updates AND if the past is any indication for my future, writing on here has always helped me lose weight, and right now that is a major goal. But we will get to that in a minute.
So lately... things with my boyfriend are going smashingly. We Skype a lot and have exchanged a bit of mail. We managed to talk about some tough things, especially concerning Pauline, and are just really solid (which is incredible, considering the distance). Unlike with Juan, who I was constantly afraid would lose interest, Benjamin has already made travel arrangements to spend almost three weeks here with me in November, and invited me for Christmas. He is constantly making me feel appreciated and it is obvious that he truly cares about me. I am in a very good, safe, comforted place with this.
In other news, I restarted Insanity, so I begin week two tomorrow. I will also be taking yoga classes at least once a week with a friend who is going through teacher training. She is awesome and needs to practice being a yoga teacher, and I am an eager poor student, so we are a great match. And if that was not challenging enough, I have been trying to keep some regular running dates (8 miles tomorrow after Insanity!!) and am organizing a 5k for Thanksgiving.
The biggest news of late, which is legitimately huge, is that I received a job offer today! I have been hunting since May, and had a bunch of phone interviews, but this was my first offer. I am definitely going to take it, as the job is interesting, I am qualified and prepared for it, I can live at home, and the salary is quite good. I will be able to work on paying off my student loans ASAP and get a new car (mine is about to start having horrible things go wrong with it and will not be worth fixing). Also, it is much easier to get to France from here than, say, San Francisco or Madagascar (both places I interviewed for). I feel like it's a bit of a dream to begin my first adult job, after all of these years in school, but I am psyched.
And then, as always, there is my weight. I came from France at an embarrassingly high weight. Not that I gained that much (four pounds), but I was too heavy before I left, and have not seen the scale budge since I returned. Since my boyfriend is arriving in 55 days and I am about to start a new chapter in my life, now is just as good of a time as any to get into gear. The results from Insanity will be so much better if change my eating and I will fit back into some of the clothes I would like to wear to work. I am somewhat satisfied with how my body looks, to be honest. I wish I didn't have such a double chin when I smile and that my thighs/arms/waist were a bit slimmer, but overall I think I have battled a lot of those demons when I was away this summer. That being said, I know that when I am stressed and busy (which is about to happen), those thoughts creep back and certain behaviors return. I am trying very hard to be health, but at the same time, I would love to reach my dream of 125 (well, my ultimate dream is 118, but it's impossible and I would probably look ill). In short, I do not have a very well laid-out plan for my meals yet, but I am going to work on planning the next two weeks tonight and tomorrow and it is obvious that I need to track my calories. The exercise I am doing is great and healthy. I just need to keep the other bits healthy too.
How the hell is everyone??? I am up to date (for the most part) on reading, but I feel so disconnected.
Nouvelle Ans
I am trying to enjoy my last weeks of vacation time before school begins (for the last semester!) but I am still feeling very unsettled. 2013, you must be better than 2012. Truly, you must.
So what good things have happened so far this year? Well, my tattoo is basically healed - sorry I still do not have any photographs. Maybe I can get some while I am away this weekend. On that note, I am leaving Thursday morning to get a bit of sunshine in San Diego. I am visiting some of my friends from when I lived there in 2009-2010. It will be a short trip, but I am looking forward to the laid-back vibe in the city and just enjoying the sun. (Eek I need to pack!) One of my resolutions this year is to have a 100-day running streak. I have not run yet today, but today will be day 9. It is an arbitrary goal, and obviously if I am very sick or injured, it will be over. I am only running a little every day (some days just 2 miles) but it feels good to work toward a goal.
I have also been busy knitting and trying to get in some reading. I am nearly finished with a sweater and need to tie up the loose ends of some other projects. I am in the middle of By the River Piedra I Sat Down & Wept by Paulo Coelho. After I finish that, I may begin one of his other books, but I also have High Fidelity (Thanks Cinnamon!!), Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, and Infections and Inequalities, in addition to a whole bunch of other books, waiting in the wings.
So the not so good news... the same problems continue to plague me. I miss Popi, I miss Juan, and I am fat. I think of Pauline every day, and it has been getting a little easier. I still have such a difficult time processing the fact that she is no longer here, on this earth, walking around and spreading her joy to others. As for Juan, he texted me a bit right around Christmas - we were both feeling nostalgic and all - and once on New Year's Eve, but I have not heard a peep since. I am so hurt by that. I will never understand how you can cut someone out of your life so easily. I am not making overtures of any kind, honestly. I just miss him and want to know how he is. I still love him very, very much, and I probably will for, well, maybe forever. It makes me crazy to think that I have no way to get in touch with him.
And then, as always, there is my horrific weight. This time last year I was hovering around 130 pounds and feeling somewhat ok. I wanted to lose more, be in the low 120s, high teens, but now I would be so grateful to have that back! I am hovering between 139-141 every morning. 140, yes you read that right. 140. Seeing or typing that number four instead of a three makes me a little mental. Luckily I have been running again and cutting back on portions (I am a vegan and I honestly eat NO junk, how is it that I ever carry extra weight? I don't understand...) When I am visiting my friend, I am sure we will be busy out-and-about, so I anticipate many cups of coffee and tea. That should help. I have to get this under control.
How is everyone? I hope your new year is getting off to a positive start. For those of you in the southern hemisphere, those of us in the North would love for you to send some sunshine our way.
Oh, and I finally managed to fix the links at the top of my blog, linking to my Pinterest, Tumblr, and Etsy. I also gave my tumblr a facelift the other day.
So what good things have happened so far this year? Well, my tattoo is basically healed - sorry I still do not have any photographs. Maybe I can get some while I am away this weekend. On that note, I am leaving Thursday morning to get a bit of sunshine in San Diego. I am visiting some of my friends from when I lived there in 2009-2010. It will be a short trip, but I am looking forward to the laid-back vibe in the city and just enjoying the sun. (Eek I need to pack!) One of my resolutions this year is to have a 100-day running streak. I have not run yet today, but today will be day 9. It is an arbitrary goal, and obviously if I am very sick or injured, it will be over. I am only running a little every day (some days just 2 miles) but it feels good to work toward a goal.
I have also been busy knitting and trying to get in some reading. I am nearly finished with a sweater and need to tie up the loose ends of some other projects. I am in the middle of By the River Piedra I Sat Down & Wept by Paulo Coelho. After I finish that, I may begin one of his other books, but I also have High Fidelity (Thanks Cinnamon!!), Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, and Infections and Inequalities, in addition to a whole bunch of other books, waiting in the wings.
So the not so good news... the same problems continue to plague me. I miss Popi, I miss Juan, and I am fat. I think of Pauline every day, and it has been getting a little easier. I still have such a difficult time processing the fact that she is no longer here, on this earth, walking around and spreading her joy to others. As for Juan, he texted me a bit right around Christmas - we were both feeling nostalgic and all - and once on New Year's Eve, but I have not heard a peep since. I am so hurt by that. I will never understand how you can cut someone out of your life so easily. I am not making overtures of any kind, honestly. I just miss him and want to know how he is. I still love him very, very much, and I probably will for, well, maybe forever. It makes me crazy to think that I have no way to get in touch with him.
And then, as always, there is my horrific weight. This time last year I was hovering around 130 pounds and feeling somewhat ok. I wanted to lose more, be in the low 120s, high teens, but now I would be so grateful to have that back! I am hovering between 139-141 every morning. 140, yes you read that right. 140. Seeing or typing that number four instead of a three makes me a little mental. Luckily I have been running again and cutting back on portions (I am a vegan and I honestly eat NO junk, how is it that I ever carry extra weight? I don't understand...) When I am visiting my friend, I am sure we will be busy out-and-about, so I anticipate many cups of coffee and tea. That should help. I have to get this under control.
How is everyone? I hope your new year is getting off to a positive start. For those of you in the southern hemisphere, those of us in the North would love for you to send some sunshine our way.
Oh, and I finally managed to fix the links at the top of my blog, linking to my Pinterest, Tumblr, and Etsy. I also gave my tumblr a facelift the other day.
Marathon training has begun
The only exciting thing happening as of late is that I have begun my marathon training.
Last week I ran six out of seven days, including ten miles in the dark yesterday morning. It has been SO hot here that I woke up at five in the morning to run, and then took a shower and went back to sleep afterward. I have even more intense workouts planned this week and in fact, I am kind of excited about it.
The weird thing about all of this running is that for the first time in years, with the exception of a few times when I have stayed at someone else's house (although even then, I occasionally pack my scale like a crazy person), I have not been weighing myself every day. Normally, I like to wake up, check my email, go to the bathroom, sit around, go to the bathroom again, weigh myself, drink coffee or water, and go for a run. Because I have been having to complete my workouts in time to get to work by nine in the morning, I have not been weighing myself first thing each day. Maybe this is too much information, but I like to be "empty" when I get on the scale, and that does not happen first thing. It is really strange to not know my weight every day and it is making me a little nuts. Sometimes I weight myself afterward, but its hard to tell how accurate it is.
This morning I was 136.8 - higher than I would like, but I think I increased my caloric intake last week and felt a bit stressed. Hopefully, this week I will find a better balance and the numbers will start going down. I feel so heavy sometimes when I run, and I want to be light and spritely.
I suppose things around here are shaking up a little - Isobel has decided it is finally the right time for her to leave blogger, which I think it ultimately a healthy decision for her. Lottie is taking a break for the summer and also trying to get healthier. Dani is back and could use lots of love and encouragement. Mich has had a bit of a rough go lately too, she could use a lot of warm wishes. And let us not, of course, forget LuLu, Peri, Eloise, and Lissy - if you have a few spare moments to send good thoughts and sentiments their way, please do. I care very much for all of these beautiful women and want each of them to be healthy and peaceful, inside and out. And if I did not mention you here, please, please do not be hurt. I have many friends here and just felt the need to send a few special thoughts to the people who came to mind quickly. We are all fighting our own battles and all need support and encouragement. On that note, I also want to thank my newest readers - welcome!
So, hopefully this week will be better than last - I plan to get a lot of work done and run my little tush off (literally). I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend and enjoyed the 4th of July if you are in the USA. I, as a matter of fact, spent the afternoon in the heat and the sun and then took a nap that turned into me going to bed at 7:30pm, missing the fireworks and everything!
Lots of love, as always.
And for those of you who remember/are curious, no word on my dear friend Pauline.
Last week I ran six out of seven days, including ten miles in the dark yesterday morning. It has been SO hot here that I woke up at five in the morning to run, and then took a shower and went back to sleep afterward. I have even more intense workouts planned this week and in fact, I am kind of excited about it.
The weird thing about all of this running is that for the first time in years, with the exception of a few times when I have stayed at someone else's house (although even then, I occasionally pack my scale like a crazy person), I have not been weighing myself every day. Normally, I like to wake up, check my email, go to the bathroom, sit around, go to the bathroom again, weigh myself, drink coffee or water, and go for a run. Because I have been having to complete my workouts in time to get to work by nine in the morning, I have not been weighing myself first thing each day. Maybe this is too much information, but I like to be "empty" when I get on the scale, and that does not happen first thing. It is really strange to not know my weight every day and it is making me a little nuts. Sometimes I weight myself afterward, but its hard to tell how accurate it is.
This morning I was 136.8 - higher than I would like, but I think I increased my caloric intake last week and felt a bit stressed. Hopefully, this week I will find a better balance and the numbers will start going down. I feel so heavy sometimes when I run, and I want to be light and spritely.
I suppose things around here are shaking up a little - Isobel has decided it is finally the right time for her to leave blogger, which I think it ultimately a healthy decision for her. Lottie is taking a break for the summer and also trying to get healthier. Dani is back and could use lots of love and encouragement. Mich has had a bit of a rough go lately too, she could use a lot of warm wishes. And let us not, of course, forget LuLu, Peri, Eloise, and Lissy - if you have a few spare moments to send good thoughts and sentiments their way, please do. I care very much for all of these beautiful women and want each of them to be healthy and peaceful, inside and out. And if I did not mention you here, please, please do not be hurt. I have many friends here and just felt the need to send a few special thoughts to the people who came to mind quickly. We are all fighting our own battles and all need support and encouragement. On that note, I also want to thank my newest readers - welcome!
So, hopefully this week will be better than last - I plan to get a lot of work done and run my little tush off (literally). I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend and enjoyed the 4th of July if you are in the USA. I, as a matter of fact, spent the afternoon in the heat and the sun and then took a nap that turned into me going to bed at 7:30pm, missing the fireworks and everything!
Lots of love, as always.
And for those of you who remember/are curious, no word on my dear friend Pauline.
A new month, a clean slate?
Good morning everyone. For once I am actually feeling like it could be a good morning.
I just returned from the first training run of my three month marathon training program. Today, I just had to do four and a half miles with two, thirty second sprints after. I woke up early-ish (6:30) and was out the door in twenty minutes. The run felt pretty good, all around, except that it must have been seventy-five perfect humidity. I hope that the humidity lessens as the week goes on.
This weekend was... interesting... Friday afternoon I worked at the yarn store and received an email while I was there from the bride. The short story, since I would prefer not to publish her email here, is that she blames me for a bunch of things (the most troublesome being that I did not go to her bridal shower, and in fact she said that the girl who sabotaged me's father was in the hospital, deathly ill, and she came to the shower - which I think is warped, to say the least) and did not have a hint of apology. She said that she vomited when she read the email exchange between me and the other bridesmaids. Anyway, I am mailing my declined invitation today and this is the end of our friendship.
Then, Friday night, there was a HUGE storm, and 1,000,000 people in northern Virginia and Maryland were left without power, including myself. Saturday was a long, very hot day, as we waited for the power to come back. Luckily, our power was returned by Saturday night, though there is a lot of debris and people have much damage and still no power all around the area.
There is not much else going on in my life right now, just working a lot, trying to figure out when I am going to run, and knitting. Juan has been out of touch, working sixty-five hours a week and his phone is broken. Hopefully he can fix is soon and talk to me again. We've been emailing, but it makes me miss him a lot.
My weight is hovering around 135 right now. Not horrific, but I should have been 125 and continued downward so long ago. Maybe this training program will help me slim down. I think losing weight would be good for my joints, frankly.
I hope everyone had a good weekend. I know Lou Lou got the package I sent her, Dani is back to posting, and Isobel is cleansing like crazy!
I just returned from the first training run of my three month marathon training program. Today, I just had to do four and a half miles with two, thirty second sprints after. I woke up early-ish (6:30) and was out the door in twenty minutes. The run felt pretty good, all around, except that it must have been seventy-five perfect humidity. I hope that the humidity lessens as the week goes on.
This weekend was... interesting... Friday afternoon I worked at the yarn store and received an email while I was there from the bride. The short story, since I would prefer not to publish her email here, is that she blames me for a bunch of things (the most troublesome being that I did not go to her bridal shower, and in fact she said that the girl who sabotaged me's father was in the hospital, deathly ill, and she came to the shower - which I think is warped, to say the least) and did not have a hint of apology. She said that she vomited when she read the email exchange between me and the other bridesmaids. Anyway, I am mailing my declined invitation today and this is the end of our friendship.
Then, Friday night, there was a HUGE storm, and 1,000,000 people in northern Virginia and Maryland were left without power, including myself. Saturday was a long, very hot day, as we waited for the power to come back. Luckily, our power was returned by Saturday night, though there is a lot of debris and people have much damage and still no power all around the area.
There is not much else going on in my life right now, just working a lot, trying to figure out when I am going to run, and knitting. Juan has been out of touch, working sixty-five hours a week and his phone is broken. Hopefully he can fix is soon and talk to me again. We've been emailing, but it makes me miss him a lot.
My weight is hovering around 135 right now. Not horrific, but I should have been 125 and continued downward so long ago. Maybe this training program will help me slim down. I think losing weight would be good for my joints, frankly.
I hope everyone had a good weekend. I know Lou Lou got the package I sent her, Dani is back to posting, and Isobel is cleansing like crazy!
Finally, a decent explanation
Time for the full story...
So last Monday, it was clear that Juan was actually on a plane, and actually coming to see me. I was on-edge all day, but I went for a run in the morning, put on a pretty dress, babysat, drank lots of coffee, put in a few hours at the law firm, and headed to the airport to get him around six in the evening. When I was standing at the airport, I wavered between excitement, nervousness/nausea, and wanting to run away. Honestly, I must have been an awful shade of pale green when he finally laid eyes on me, because I honestly felt like I would pass out.
The rest of the week was surprisingly easy, fun, and peaceful. I had cooked all weekend in preparation, so we had tamales and other treats. I tried my best to stay under control, but I also try to act normal around Juan - this results in a 3-4 pound gain every time we have a visit.
We did a lot of sight seeing, walking, restaurant dining, wine drinking, and making love over the next four days. We celebrated his birthday with sushi. We had a dance party in my apartment.
I told him he needed to talk about his feelings. He said he came to see if things between us were truly different when we were in the same place, and confirmed that they definitely are. I suppose he needs to decide if he can work at this long-distance love for another 11 months until I graduate. I have already waited so long, that honestly, I am fine with waiting some more. It seems like he is leaning toward trying to put us back together. I know that being a couple is hard for him - he is fiercely independent, unlike me. But I also know that regardless of what he says, he can never truly let me go and I am quite certain he has not stopped loving me (though he is unaware of this fact) just as I have not stopped loving him.
Hopefully, we will just continue to repair and rebuild things and continue on. He is fully aware that I would never move to California without us being married, so he has to deal with some serious commitment issues. And its not like I do not have any improvements to make. I need to demand a bit less of the things that are not in his nature, and learn to just relax.
In other news, my weekend, after tearfully saying goodbye at the airport, was entirely too dramatic. I have not dealt with nonsense of this variety since I was probably 14.
Last summer, a friend of mine who I have known for a few years, asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this July. I excitedly accepted and have tried to fill my bridesmaid role to the best of my ability. As most of you know, 2012 has literally been the worst year of my life - Juan broke up with me, school and work combined were becoming a bit much, my school funding was completely messed up, and then my dearest friend went missing at the end of April (she has still not returned, please keep praying). As a result, I will fully admit that I have not been at my friend's side for all of the details of this wedding. I was home a few weeks before the shower in May, and organized a lovely group gift with my two best girlfriends from home (one of whom is the maid of honor). Pauline went missing, and I decided I honestly could not go to the shower. I was an emotional wreck and wanted to be prepared to leave the country on short notice. At this point, I was barely speaking to anyone, and I sent the bride a text message with my regrets (she full-well knew what was going on). Fast-forward a few days, and she called me to confront me about not telling her that I was not attending via telephone. She said she was very hurt and that everyone she mentioned it to agreed with her. As you can imagine, I thought she was totally out of line and completely un-empathetic to my life, but I apologized and swallowed my pride. I even sent her a note in the mail to smooth things over and everything seemed great.
A few weeks after that, I start hearing buzz about the bachelorette party. Originally, we had talked about a spa day at her hour, with plans to hire a masseuse and someone to do pedicures, as well as cook lovely food and provide plenty of bubbly - a nice, low-key affair. Well, one of the other four bridesmaids (a friend of the bride's from boarding school) suggested a weekend of wine tasting. Essentially, this bachelorette weekend has turned into an expensive, couples thing. She and her fiancé are attending, as are her parents, and in total, 15 people. While I would love to go, in all, between driving up to NJ, then to NY, two nights in a hotel, wine tastings, food all weekend, and missing work, I estimate the weekend would cost me near $500-$600. Clearly, for someone living on student loans, this is not possible. Weeks ago, the last time I was home, I let the bride know I would not be able to attend. She was disappointed, but said she understood.
About two weeks ago, I found out that the bride has mentioned to her boarding-school friend, who had told the maid of honor, that she was disappointed that she received no lingerie at her shower. My first thought was that this was kind of petty and ungrateful, considering she had a very fancy shower and I am quite certain she received all sorts of lovely gifts. Whatever, I thought, I'll try and organize something. Meanwhile, I purchased two nice bottles of Sofia Coppola sparkling wine to send up to the bachelorette weekend as a surprise, in an attempt to make up for my absence. Early the week before Juan arrived, I emailed the other bridesmaids saying that I had seen some really nice pieces on a website that I liked and there was a coupon available - would everyone like to pitch in so we could afford something quite nice? Here are the emails that ensued between me and the boarding school girl...
"I heard we were thinking about getting some lingerie for K as a gift for the bachelorette party. One of the blogs I read, has a coupon good through this weekend for Eberjey. Their lingerie is really beautiful in person and VERY soft (I've seen it at Anthro). I was thinking these might be good options, and with 20% and between the four of us, very reasonably priced:
So last Monday, it was clear that Juan was actually on a plane, and actually coming to see me. I was on-edge all day, but I went for a run in the morning, put on a pretty dress, babysat, drank lots of coffee, put in a few hours at the law firm, and headed to the airport to get him around six in the evening. When I was standing at the airport, I wavered between excitement, nervousness/nausea, and wanting to run away. Honestly, I must have been an awful shade of pale green when he finally laid eyes on me, because I honestly felt like I would pass out.
The rest of the week was surprisingly easy, fun, and peaceful. I had cooked all weekend in preparation, so we had tamales and other treats. I tried my best to stay under control, but I also try to act normal around Juan - this results in a 3-4 pound gain every time we have a visit.
We did a lot of sight seeing, walking, restaurant dining, wine drinking, and making love over the next four days. We celebrated his birthday with sushi. We had a dance party in my apartment.
I told him he needed to talk about his feelings. He said he came to see if things between us were truly different when we were in the same place, and confirmed that they definitely are. I suppose he needs to decide if he can work at this long-distance love for another 11 months until I graduate. I have already waited so long, that honestly, I am fine with waiting some more. It seems like he is leaning toward trying to put us back together. I know that being a couple is hard for him - he is fiercely independent, unlike me. But I also know that regardless of what he says, he can never truly let me go and I am quite certain he has not stopped loving me (though he is unaware of this fact) just as I have not stopped loving him.
Hopefully, we will just continue to repair and rebuild things and continue on. He is fully aware that I would never move to California without us being married, so he has to deal with some serious commitment issues. And its not like I do not have any improvements to make. I need to demand a bit less of the things that are not in his nature, and learn to just relax.
In other news, my weekend, after tearfully saying goodbye at the airport, was entirely too dramatic. I have not dealt with nonsense of this variety since I was probably 14.
Last summer, a friend of mine who I have known for a few years, asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this July. I excitedly accepted and have tried to fill my bridesmaid role to the best of my ability. As most of you know, 2012 has literally been the worst year of my life - Juan broke up with me, school and work combined were becoming a bit much, my school funding was completely messed up, and then my dearest friend went missing at the end of April (she has still not returned, please keep praying). As a result, I will fully admit that I have not been at my friend's side for all of the details of this wedding. I was home a few weeks before the shower in May, and organized a lovely group gift with my two best girlfriends from home (one of whom is the maid of honor). Pauline went missing, and I decided I honestly could not go to the shower. I was an emotional wreck and wanted to be prepared to leave the country on short notice. At this point, I was barely speaking to anyone, and I sent the bride a text message with my regrets (she full-well knew what was going on). Fast-forward a few days, and she called me to confront me about not telling her that I was not attending via telephone. She said she was very hurt and that everyone she mentioned it to agreed with her. As you can imagine, I thought she was totally out of line and completely un-empathetic to my life, but I apologized and swallowed my pride. I even sent her a note in the mail to smooth things over and everything seemed great.
A few weeks after that, I start hearing buzz about the bachelorette party. Originally, we had talked about a spa day at her hour, with plans to hire a masseuse and someone to do pedicures, as well as cook lovely food and provide plenty of bubbly - a nice, low-key affair. Well, one of the other four bridesmaids (a friend of the bride's from boarding school) suggested a weekend of wine tasting. Essentially, this bachelorette weekend has turned into an expensive, couples thing. She and her fiancé are attending, as are her parents, and in total, 15 people. While I would love to go, in all, between driving up to NJ, then to NY, two nights in a hotel, wine tastings, food all weekend, and missing work, I estimate the weekend would cost me near $500-$600. Clearly, for someone living on student loans, this is not possible. Weeks ago, the last time I was home, I let the bride know I would not be able to attend. She was disappointed, but said she understood.
About two weeks ago, I found out that the bride has mentioned to her boarding-school friend, who had told the maid of honor, that she was disappointed that she received no lingerie at her shower. My first thought was that this was kind of petty and ungrateful, considering she had a very fancy shower and I am quite certain she received all sorts of lovely gifts. Whatever, I thought, I'll try and organize something. Meanwhile, I purchased two nice bottles of Sofia Coppola sparkling wine to send up to the bachelorette weekend as a surprise, in an attempt to make up for my absence. Early the week before Juan arrived, I emailed the other bridesmaids saying that I had seen some really nice pieces on a website that I liked and there was a coupon available - would everyone like to pitch in so we could afford something quite nice? Here are the emails that ensued between me and the boarding school girl...
"I heard we were thinking about getting some lingerie for K as a gift for the bachelorette party. One of the blogs I read, has a coupon good through this weekend for Eberjey. Their lingerie is really beautiful in person and VERY soft (I've seen it at Anthro). I was thinking these might be good options, and with 20% and between the four of us, very reasonably priced:
http://www.eberjey.com/intimate/chemises/gisele-chemise.html
Any thoughts?
Oh, and since I am unfortunately unable to come to the bachelorette weekend, I got a little something to send along - two bottles of the Sofia Coppola sparkling wine for you all to share with Miss K while you're away! It's the least I could do, and I'll give them to Danielle this weekend.
-Sarah"
"Sounds good, but in the past, girls tend to each bring their own piece for the bride instead of just one. That way she has a good variety for the honeymoon."
"Maybe I'm mis-informed, but from the bachelorette parities I've been to, no serious gifts were ever given. From what I've read and attended, gifts at bachelorette parities are typically of the "gag" variety and are more for novelty and giggles than serious, luxurious gifts. Does anyone know if this is typically not the case? Maybe I just don't know.
I obviously want this to be a special time for K, but it seems like we are giving a lot of gifts (engagement, shower, bachelorette party, wedding). Which, when added to the expenses of actually being in the wedding (which as a bridesmaid, I was fully prepared for, and understand completely) it seems to be a lot. If everyone doesn't want to get something as a group, then I guess we should leave it up to individuals to decide whether or not they want to purchase a piece of lingerie and not make this feel obligatory.
I feel curmudgeonly bringing this up, but I think this concern needs to be voiced."
"Everything is personal preference. For me, K is an amazing friend who goes above and beyond to make every one of my wedding events special. She has mentioned to me more than once that she hasn't gotten any lingerie pieces, so I personally am going to make sure she gets more than one piece.
I personally don't see it as a hardship to do something for K that I know she'd do for me. Is it expensive? Sure. Does it make spending tight? Of course it does. But is seeing the joy on her face worth it? 100%. If you can't do it, then don't, but frankly you haven't been around much to hear what she's been looking for and would appreciate. So yeah, you're bringing up a point but missing the idea that it doesn't have to cost a million. Walmart, Target, Macys, etc... all have very affordable and beautiful items for lingerie. Doesn't have to be La Perla to be wonderful."
"Of course I want to do special things for K, she is a great friend to me and I want her to be very happy. Yes, I am not home much, I am in school and working full time, as well as having some serious personal issues in my life that haven't allowed me to travel. Beyond that I am living on student loans, which makes spending more than "tight" and I have a hard time gauging what exactly K is expecting from us, because she doesn't usually come off as a Target kind of girl. Not that that is a bad thing, I just know that she likes nice things and I don't want her to be disappointed with something she thinks isn't nice or that we didn't try hard enough (that's not very articulate, but I hope you get the point). So for me, sharing the cost of something is the most doable way to do it. In understand if other people don't want to do that.
Maybe I just find all of the ins-and-outs of weddings/etiquette/traditions very confusing and complicated?
So to wrap this up, I guess, its up to everyone to decide what they'd like to do, we don't have to go in on a group gift."
"I'm pretty sure at the bridal shower you were the one to tell me a group gift was not necessary. So I'm sorry for my confusion and lack of understanding now. There are plenty of cost effective places to buy lingerie and I'm sure K wouldn't be disappointed with anything that came with effort and heart.
Just an FYI, Macy's has some beautiful things that are in the $30-50 range. Not expensive at all but beautiful and they have weekly promotions for 20% off in addition to the sale. "
Ok, so that seems relatively tame, no? I was frank, but not rude, and I don't think I said anything bad about the bride, who is my friend.
On Friday night, I was supposed to get together with the bride, and two best girlfriends (one of whom is the maid of honor). The bride canceled out plans, so the rest of us planned to get together on Saturday morning instead. I meet my friends at the coffee shop, and give the maid of honor the sparkling wine and ask her if she has my dress. She proceeds to tell me (very gently, seeing as she is one of the kindest people in the world) that I have been booted from the wedding party. Initially, it is because K needs a bridesmaid who is more "present" (whatever that means). I am obviously very hurt, especially that a. the bride did not bother to deliver this news herself, and b. she did not even try to discuss it with me, or frame it in a kind way.
Needless to say, I come to find out through the maid of honor (God bless her wonderful heart), that K initially wanted her mother (a scary lady!) to deliver the news AND the real reason is because the boarding school friend showed her some kind of edited version of those emails! I gather she wanted to keep the present a surprise, so she must have showed all of the worse parts out of context and completely sabotaged me. I did not think that people in their mid-twenties had the capacity to act like this! I do not even know this girl, and while I have not been the most serving bridesmaid, why would she want to do such a thing? Furthermore, I STILL have not heard a thing from the bride, now five days later.
I am giving her until the RSVP date to try and contact me. Otherwise, I will decline the invitation, write a letter to explain myself and defend my character, and end our friendship. I know all of this terrible chatter about how awful I am is going on behind my back, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I just have to wait until she decides to talk to me. And, I can just imagine that she is expecting me to grovel to her and apologize and beg to be in the wedding. The whole thing just makes me crazy! I was trying to organize a beautiful gift for her, how is that interpreted as being a bad person???
Anyway, bravo if you bothered to read all of that dramatic nonsense. I hope some resolution develops soon, because I hate being stressed over this.
As for my weight, I was just under 137 this morning - horrific. I am not more determined than ever, to get back down under 130, because if I end up attending this wedding, I need to be in top form. Under 125 would be preferable, but it is only four weeks away. I am going to begin my marathon training the first of July, however, and the heat makes my appetite disappear. Plus, my mother has been harping about how she thinks I spend too much money on food (in my defense, I bought a ton of groceries for Juan, and food here is just more expensive than back home). In all, I have a bunch of reasons not to eat.
I hope everyone else is having a much easier time, though I know the troubles in my life are pretty frivolous.
Hello 2012
Sorry for the dramatic tone for my last posts. The last days of 2011 we a complete disaster, to put it simply.
As I mentioned in my last post, I had been counting down the days since September to when I would see Juan again. I wanted to visit him at Thanksgiving, but he thought it was not a good idea because he had to work and I would have to spend so much money on a plane ticket. During the Black Friday sales, we found super-cheap tickets from Washington DC to Los Angeles and we both made our purchases. He was set to arrive on the 30th and leave January 8th. My ticket is for the weekend just before Valentine's Day.
On Wednesday, Juan explained that he had a meeting with his boss and human resources and was unsure of why they needed to meet with him. I assumed he just needed to fill out some paperwork, but late at night I received a cryptic text that said something like "I have great news but I don't know what to do :-/" As you can imagine, I was on edge all the next morning. Finally, I heard from him around two in the afternoon, and he explained that his boss offered him a huge promotion, but in order to take it, he would have to be in Chicago today. We discussed it, and obviously the promotion was the right choice, but that does not mean I was not devastated. Our relationship has been under so much stress lately because of the distance and not seeing each other for so many months. Even now, we still do not have a plan for seeing each other. I am hoping that he calls me tonight and we arrange for me to go out there this weekend and stay for most of the week, even if he has to work. I just miss him so much.
I am terribly afraid that this job is going to make him so busy - he is already consumed with it and barely has time for me - that he won't have time for our relationship at all. And, he was planning to move here this summer, which obviously will not happen, thus not only delaying us being in the same place, but undeniably delaying our engagement. I have this horrible feeling the whole thing will snowball, but I am trying to keep my head above water.
Needless to say, my New Year's Eve (my absolute favorite holiday) was terribly depressing. I cried and watched movies with my cat. I barely moved from the bed to my couch and back again.
Today, I am feeling much better - I went to my first of twenty Bikram yoga sessions with the Groupon Juan bought me for a studio just a few miles from my house. It was insanely intense, hot, and sweaty. Yoga for 90 minutes in a 105 degree room... phew! I have done that kind of yoga, and some others, but never anything this difficult. Even when its over (there is no way I can afford to keep going, as their drop in classes are $18 and the unlimited monthly passes are $125/mo - my 20-class pass was only $40) I hope to keep practicing yoga with youtube videos and such. Tomorrow, I am going to go for my first run in two weeks. Hopefully, it will not be too cold - if so, I need to just suck it up and get my ass in gear. Taking a break was good for me, my leg finally feels normal.
And in relatively good news, I was 130.4 this morning (129.4 after breakfast/hydrating/sweaty yoga!) - my dreaded holiday weight gain already gone. I'm hoping that after that class and eating super clean today (a persimmon and green tea for breakfast, homemade hummus with "low-guilt" tortilla chips for a snack, lunch of a huge salad of romaine, broccoli slaw, roasted peppers, jicama, cucumber, avocado, and snap pea crisps with homemade lemon-tahini dressing, a square of 85% dark chocolate, my new gingerbread coffee, and lots of water) I will be under 130 tomorrow. I need to get into the 120s and stay there once and for all. I feel like my goal is attainable this year - 118. I think I can do it.
How was everyone's holiday? I am so behind on reading and commenting. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave me sweet messages of support and love when I was feeling so devastated. You are all so kind and beautiful. Thank you for understanding.
I think I am going to make my list of resolutions tonight and post about that tomorrow. Anyone else?
As I mentioned in my last post, I had been counting down the days since September to when I would see Juan again. I wanted to visit him at Thanksgiving, but he thought it was not a good idea because he had to work and I would have to spend so much money on a plane ticket. During the Black Friday sales, we found super-cheap tickets from Washington DC to Los Angeles and we both made our purchases. He was set to arrive on the 30th and leave January 8th. My ticket is for the weekend just before Valentine's Day.
On Wednesday, Juan explained that he had a meeting with his boss and human resources and was unsure of why they needed to meet with him. I assumed he just needed to fill out some paperwork, but late at night I received a cryptic text that said something like "I have great news but I don't know what to do :-/" As you can imagine, I was on edge all the next morning. Finally, I heard from him around two in the afternoon, and he explained that his boss offered him a huge promotion, but in order to take it, he would have to be in Chicago today. We discussed it, and obviously the promotion was the right choice, but that does not mean I was not devastated. Our relationship has been under so much stress lately because of the distance and not seeing each other for so many months. Even now, we still do not have a plan for seeing each other. I am hoping that he calls me tonight and we arrange for me to go out there this weekend and stay for most of the week, even if he has to work. I just miss him so much.
I am terribly afraid that this job is going to make him so busy - he is already consumed with it and barely has time for me - that he won't have time for our relationship at all. And, he was planning to move here this summer, which obviously will not happen, thus not only delaying us being in the same place, but undeniably delaying our engagement. I have this horrible feeling the whole thing will snowball, but I am trying to keep my head above water.
Needless to say, my New Year's Eve (my absolute favorite holiday) was terribly depressing. I cried and watched movies with my cat. I barely moved from the bed to my couch and back again.
Today, I am feeling much better - I went to my first of twenty Bikram yoga sessions with the Groupon Juan bought me for a studio just a few miles from my house. It was insanely intense, hot, and sweaty. Yoga for 90 minutes in a 105 degree room... phew! I have done that kind of yoga, and some others, but never anything this difficult. Even when its over (there is no way I can afford to keep going, as their drop in classes are $18 and the unlimited monthly passes are $125/mo - my 20-class pass was only $40) I hope to keep practicing yoga with youtube videos and such. Tomorrow, I am going to go for my first run in two weeks. Hopefully, it will not be too cold - if so, I need to just suck it up and get my ass in gear. Taking a break was good for me, my leg finally feels normal.
And in relatively good news, I was 130.4 this morning (129.4 after breakfast/hydrating/sweaty yoga!) - my dreaded holiday weight gain already gone. I'm hoping that after that class and eating super clean today (a persimmon and green tea for breakfast, homemade hummus with "low-guilt" tortilla chips for a snack, lunch of a huge salad of romaine, broccoli slaw, roasted peppers, jicama, cucumber, avocado, and snap pea crisps with homemade lemon-tahini dressing, a square of 85% dark chocolate, my new gingerbread coffee, and lots of water) I will be under 130 tomorrow. I need to get into the 120s and stay there once and for all. I feel like my goal is attainable this year - 118. I think I can do it.
How was everyone's holiday? I am so behind on reading and commenting. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave me sweet messages of support and love when I was feeling so devastated. You are all so kind and beautiful. Thank you for understanding.
I think I am going to make my list of resolutions tonight and post about that tomorrow. Anyone else?
Finals are over, time for the last weight loss push of the year
So, as I am sure you gathered from my title, I am finished with finals. I am currently sitting in "my" room at my parents' house with my kitty and my knitting.
My leg still is not 100% better, but I went for an hour-long walk yesterday and a 3 mile run today. I partied on Friday night like none other, so I need to be extra disciplined this week.
Friday was an absolute blast. I went to the faculty Christmas party at the school where I coached this past spring. It was so much fun to see my friends, get quite drunk (which I rarely rarely do) and dance my little tushie off. I was something like 129.8 the morning of the party and then obviously ate and imbibed that evening. This morning I was 131.6. I have eaten some toast, hummus, and coffee today - so with more coffee and some water, I should be able to get under 131 by tomorrow. Then, I am going to try my absolute hardest to drink water, eat veggies, and stay away from chocolate so I can be somewhere closer to 125 by Christmas. I will be please as long as I can be 125 by the 30th, when Juan arrives. Since I am going home on the 28th, I know I will barely eat that day and likely the 29th out of nerves, which should help. I will be really sad if I cannot make that goal.
2012 is finally going to be the year where I will be thin. I will get to 118 this year. I will be so busy/stressed this spring and trying to save money, thus I will get rid of extra stress with long runs and reduce my grocery bill by eating less. I am finally going to do it, and maintain it. I really do not want to have to diet for my wedding someday, and that means finally being thin and staying that way. 118 is my magic number. I will do it.
How is everyone? I am sort of enjoying home so far - things are relatively low-key at home and I simply have knitting, wrapping, and catching up with friends and family on my "to-do list."
I really hope I can do this girls. 125 by the 30th. I have 11 days. That does not seem like enough time, but I have to try.
One last thing, Juan helped me choose my outfit for the party via Skype, and when I was modeling, he asked me, "Have you lost weight?" Oh, those four beautiful, inquisitive words...
My leg still is not 100% better, but I went for an hour-long walk yesterday and a 3 mile run today. I partied on Friday night like none other, so I need to be extra disciplined this week.
Friday was an absolute blast. I went to the faculty Christmas party at the school where I coached this past spring. It was so much fun to see my friends, get quite drunk (which I rarely rarely do) and dance my little tushie off. I was something like 129.8 the morning of the party and then obviously ate and imbibed that evening. This morning I was 131.6. I have eaten some toast, hummus, and coffee today - so with more coffee and some water, I should be able to get under 131 by tomorrow. Then, I am going to try my absolute hardest to drink water, eat veggies, and stay away from chocolate so I can be somewhere closer to 125 by Christmas. I will be please as long as I can be 125 by the 30th, when Juan arrives. Since I am going home on the 28th, I know I will barely eat that day and likely the 29th out of nerves, which should help. I will be really sad if I cannot make that goal.
2012 is finally going to be the year where I will be thin. I will get to 118 this year. I will be so busy/stressed this spring and trying to save money, thus I will get rid of extra stress with long runs and reduce my grocery bill by eating less. I am finally going to do it, and maintain it. I really do not want to have to diet for my wedding someday, and that means finally being thin and staying that way. 118 is my magic number. I will do it.
How is everyone? I am sort of enjoying home so far - things are relatively low-key at home and I simply have knitting, wrapping, and catching up with friends and family on my "to-do list."
I really hope I can do this girls. 125 by the 30th. I have 11 days. That does not seem like enough time, but I have to try.
One last thing, Juan helped me choose my outfit for the party via Skype, and when I was modeling, he asked me, "Have you lost weight?" Oh, those four beautiful, inquisitive words...
Almost time to go home
I am taking my last exam this afternoon and leaving the morning to spend 12 days at home for the holidays. I was 129.8 this morning. If I eat super light today (though I'm having salty sushi for dinner and simply might retain water by morning) I will be under 130 again tomorrow and have reached my initial goal.
125 by Christmas. I can do it.
125 by Christmas. I can do it.
Almost the holidays
I feel like December is flying by, but not in a good way. I need at least two more weeks to stay by myself, not go home, and keep losing.
I was down to 131.4 this morning before my run (I ran with a friend and I made us coffee and steel cut oatmeal afterward - 4T oats for her, 3T for me, 2/3 banana for her, 1/3 for me, and raisins in each, cooked with water). My leg is still not really feeling better, but I just cannot keep sitting on my bum. For lunch today I had a small apple, two tablespoons of hummus, and low-fat tortilla chips from Trader Joe's. I am not sure of the calorie count, but I think I am ok so far. Tonight, I am going to my roommate's parents' house for a bit, so I need to only taste what he is making (he specified that he was making tapenade so that I would be able to eat some). Then, we are probably going to drink. I would love to have two glasses of wine, but if I do that, that means I really should not dinner. Maybe if I am truly hungry, I will have a salad of a head of romaine and broccoli slaw, dressed with lemon. That sounds like a good plan and it will at least make me look like I am eating quite a bit.
Tomorrow, I have plans to meet another friend in DC for brunch. We are going to meet at Le Pain Quotidien. I know they have vegan options, so if I skip breakfast and avoid breakfast pastries, I am sure I can find something salad-y and low calorie that will be enjoyable and worth it. Monday, I am meeting a study group at Panera, but I think I will feign waking up late, having a late breakfast, and stick with coffee or a soy latte.
I am nervous to go home and not really be able to control my food intake as easily. I need to be under 130 by next Friday when I go home. That should be simple, considering that means losing two pounds. But, sometimes when the loss is going along swimmingly, you hit a plateau. I would just love love love to be 125 when Juan arrives. 125 is just above my UGW of 118. Maybe my UGW is too high? I am over 5'7", but I doubt I will look thin enough at 118. Maybe I should try not to think about it, since I am still gigantic and very far away (more than ten pounds). Anyone have any advice?
Does anyone use Tumblr? I have been using is fairly frequently, lately and would love for you to pay me a visit if you wish...
http://endorphinsandveggies.tumblr.com/
And in totally unrelated news, I think my cat just woke up from a nightmare. She was sound asleep and all of a sudden bolted up and hissed. There is no one else here and nothing to scare her. :) Oh my little Lou Lou.
I was down to 131.4 this morning before my run (I ran with a friend and I made us coffee and steel cut oatmeal afterward - 4T oats for her, 3T for me, 2/3 banana for her, 1/3 for me, and raisins in each, cooked with water). My leg is still not really feeling better, but I just cannot keep sitting on my bum. For lunch today I had a small apple, two tablespoons of hummus, and low-fat tortilla chips from Trader Joe's. I am not sure of the calorie count, but I think I am ok so far. Tonight, I am going to my roommate's parents' house for a bit, so I need to only taste what he is making (he specified that he was making tapenade so that I would be able to eat some). Then, we are probably going to drink. I would love to have two glasses of wine, but if I do that, that means I really should not dinner. Maybe if I am truly hungry, I will have a salad of a head of romaine and broccoli slaw, dressed with lemon. That sounds like a good plan and it will at least make me look like I am eating quite a bit.
Tomorrow, I have plans to meet another friend in DC for brunch. We are going to meet at Le Pain Quotidien. I know they have vegan options, so if I skip breakfast and avoid breakfast pastries, I am sure I can find something salad-y and low calorie that will be enjoyable and worth it. Monday, I am meeting a study group at Panera, but I think I will feign waking up late, having a late breakfast, and stick with coffee or a soy latte.
I am nervous to go home and not really be able to control my food intake as easily. I need to be under 130 by next Friday when I go home. That should be simple, considering that means losing two pounds. But, sometimes when the loss is going along swimmingly, you hit a plateau. I would just love love love to be 125 when Juan arrives. 125 is just above my UGW of 118. Maybe my UGW is too high? I am over 5'7", but I doubt I will look thin enough at 118. Maybe I should try not to think about it, since I am still gigantic and very far away (more than ten pounds). Anyone have any advice?
Does anyone use Tumblr? I have been using is fairly frequently, lately and would love for you to pay me a visit if you wish...
http://endorphinsandveggies.tumblr.com/
And in totally unrelated news, I think my cat just woke up from a nightmare. She was sound asleep and all of a sudden bolted up and hissed. There is no one else here and nothing to scare her. :) Oh my little Lou Lou.
Down a little bit more
132.6 after my run today - the lowest number I have seen in ages. That puts my real weight somewhere between 133.8-134.8 or so. Getting under 130 by Christmas seems totally doable now. If I can hit 125 by the time I go to California for New Year's Eve, I will be thrilled.
Thank you for all the well-wishes for my night out on Tuesday. I met my friends at a tapas place, and my friend and I ordered a small sauteed mushroom tapas and a pitcher of sangria to share. I ate very lightly during the day, so it worked out really well. The sangria was enough to get me buzzed and I did not gain any weight in the morning.
We were supposed to go running, but it rained all day. Instead, we went to Trader Joe's and the Asian market, where I stocked up on produce ($.99/lb persimmons and 20 for $1.00 clementines!). We went to DSW, where I found my Saucony Kinvara2 shoes on sale for $50!
The last time I bought them, I paid somewhere right around $90, so I was thrilled. My current pair have another 75-100 miles left in them still but I know I won't be able to find them cheaper anywhere else. They are a minimalist shoe but more substantial than the Nike Free Run+ shoes I loved before this. I went through two pairs of Nike Frees and found they were not holding up for my half-marathon training. These have been great - I recommend them to anyone without major pronation problems who is looking for less cushy than a traditional shoe but on the more substantial end of the minimalist scale.
After shoe shopping, we went to a Lebanese place for lunch (for breakfast, I made us oatmeal, and made her double the amount I made for me) and I had unsweetened tea, a small salad and a cauliflower pita. For dinner I made lentil and vegetable stew. The only naughty things I ate on Wednesday were a few pieces of baklava (my weakness) and a few pieces of chocolate. Yesterday was a good day eating-wise, again except for a few pieces of chocolate, but I managed to still lose a little and the chocolate is gone now.
Today will be a light eating day again, yogurt and fruit for breakfast, rice cakes for a snack, a small bowl of lentil soup, and steamed veggies of salad for dinner. The only thing that would be better is if I could have run on both Wednesday and Thursday, but the rain ruined that.
This weekend I have to edit a group paper and catch up on some reading and other schoolwork, and then I guess I am going home for Thanksgiving. I really don't want to, to tell you the truth, but my parents want me to come home.
I hope everyone is doing well and can breathe a big sigh of relief that is is Friday! I hope you all have a lovely, low-calorie, exercise-induced endorphin-rushed weekend...
Thank you for all the well-wishes for my night out on Tuesday. I met my friends at a tapas place, and my friend and I ordered a small sauteed mushroom tapas and a pitcher of sangria to share. I ate very lightly during the day, so it worked out really well. The sangria was enough to get me buzzed and I did not gain any weight in the morning.
We were supposed to go running, but it rained all day. Instead, we went to Trader Joe's and the Asian market, where I stocked up on produce ($.99/lb persimmons and 20 for $1.00 clementines!). We went to DSW, where I found my Saucony Kinvara2 shoes on sale for $50!
After shoe shopping, we went to a Lebanese place for lunch (for breakfast, I made us oatmeal, and made her double the amount I made for me) and I had unsweetened tea, a small salad and a cauliflower pita. For dinner I made lentil and vegetable stew. The only naughty things I ate on Wednesday were a few pieces of baklava (my weakness) and a few pieces of chocolate. Yesterday was a good day eating-wise, again except for a few pieces of chocolate, but I managed to still lose a little and the chocolate is gone now.
Today will be a light eating day again, yogurt and fruit for breakfast, rice cakes for a snack, a small bowl of lentil soup, and steamed veggies of salad for dinner. The only thing that would be better is if I could have run on both Wednesday and Thursday, but the rain ruined that.
This weekend I have to edit a group paper and catch up on some reading and other schoolwork, and then I guess I am going home for Thanksgiving. I really don't want to, to tell you the truth, but my parents want me to come home.
I hope everyone is doing well and can breathe a big sigh of relief that is is Friday! I hope you all have a lovely, low-calorie, exercise-induced endorphin-rushed weekend...
A little food philosophy
I had a weird day yesterday. Woke up with a headache and just felt yucky, so I decided to take a rest day and bake instead. Even though I had class in the afternoon, I was practically a zombie all day and just could not get in the groove to do any schoolwork.
I was something like 134.2 when I woke up. This morning, I was a bit heavier, since I had wheat yesterday (bad decision, of course). I was 134.6 after my run, meaning probably 135.6. I obviously do not want to gain, but I'm happy to not be above 136. I am shooting for 129 by Thanksgiving. Not only have I kept up with my running regimen (8 miles Saturday, 4.5 Sunday, 6.5 today) but I am basically broke (oh the life of a graduate student!) and I just cannot afford to go to the grocery store until pay day. Luckily, Trader Joe's has relatively cheap produce - as does the Asian market near my house. I have to restock my fridge with produce and that is really about it. Practically all I eat is fresh or frozen vegetables and fruit. I have been working very hard on limiting how often I have nuts, they are just simply too high in calories.
For example, last night, I had chickpeas with tomato sauce over spinach and kale. I also had a piece of the brownies I made yesterday morning, which is not worth it. I used to tell the kids that I coached that think of food as fuel, and as your body as a Porsche. "Premium fuel in the tank" was my tagline. Basically, while I know I have to eat at least something to sustain my athletic activity (which I love - and I will not give up running for anything) and basic brain function, even while trying to lose every last bit of fat on my body, when I eat, it should only be food that serves a nourishing purpose. Chocolate, beer, sweets, bread, etc. is not nourishing me. Vegetables, legumes, fruit, nuts, tofu, rice, quinoa, seaweed, etc. are nourishing, low calories, highly nutrient-dense foods. The worst thing I put in my body on a regular basis is coffee - which I have about every other day, with soy milk. Otherwise, I drink water, tea, and the occasional coconut water or juice. I do enjoy having these foods, even sometimes having large quantities, because I know my body is using every last bit in a good way. My greatest, yet rare, indulgence is a glass of wine or a cocktail. I think the last time I even had a glass was when Juan visited, in September.
I am really starting to ramble on now. Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that my struggles with food/exercise/my body are different from those of an anorexic or bulimic, though I admit thinking about what goes into my body and my physical activity takes up a good 50-60% of my thoughts. I try to limit my intake in terms of calories and to only the healthiest foods so I do not have to feel guilty and make up for it with extra exercise. I would rather just run several miles every morning to get fresh air and the rush of endorphins. Yet, I look in the mirror every day and cannot believe how I look bigger every day, never smaller. I must hover somewhere between BDD/Orthorexia/EDNOS. Who knows. I am certainly not too thin (135 pounds at 5'7.5" is no where near too thin. I want to be 120, the lowest healthy BMI for my height), though I would love to be just on the edge and have people telling me that I am. I want to be lean so that I can run faster - so even if I am small, I have to retain my muscles. You can be delicate looking and strong.
Again, enough with my rambling.
Have a lovely day everyone and welcome to my newest subscribers!
I was something like 134.2 when I woke up. This morning, I was a bit heavier, since I had wheat yesterday (bad decision, of course). I was 134.6 after my run, meaning probably 135.6. I obviously do not want to gain, but I'm happy to not be above 136. I am shooting for 129 by Thanksgiving. Not only have I kept up with my running regimen (8 miles Saturday, 4.5 Sunday, 6.5 today) but I am basically broke (oh the life of a graduate student!) and I just cannot afford to go to the grocery store until pay day. Luckily, Trader Joe's has relatively cheap produce - as does the Asian market near my house. I have to restock my fridge with produce and that is really about it. Practically all I eat is fresh or frozen vegetables and fruit. I have been working very hard on limiting how often I have nuts, they are just simply too high in calories.
For example, last night, I had chickpeas with tomato sauce over spinach and kale. I also had a piece of the brownies I made yesterday morning, which is not worth it. I used to tell the kids that I coached that think of food as fuel, and as your body as a Porsche. "Premium fuel in the tank" was my tagline. Basically, while I know I have to eat at least something to sustain my athletic activity (which I love - and I will not give up running for anything) and basic brain function, even while trying to lose every last bit of fat on my body, when I eat, it should only be food that serves a nourishing purpose. Chocolate, beer, sweets, bread, etc. is not nourishing me. Vegetables, legumes, fruit, nuts, tofu, rice, quinoa, seaweed, etc. are nourishing, low calories, highly nutrient-dense foods. The worst thing I put in my body on a regular basis is coffee - which I have about every other day, with soy milk. Otherwise, I drink water, tea, and the occasional coconut water or juice. I do enjoy having these foods, even sometimes having large quantities, because I know my body is using every last bit in a good way. My greatest, yet rare, indulgence is a glass of wine or a cocktail. I think the last time I even had a glass was when Juan visited, in September.
I am really starting to ramble on now. Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that my struggles with food/exercise/my body are different from those of an anorexic or bulimic, though I admit thinking about what goes into my body and my physical activity takes up a good 50-60% of my thoughts. I try to limit my intake in terms of calories and to only the healthiest foods so I do not have to feel guilty and make up for it with extra exercise. I would rather just run several miles every morning to get fresh air and the rush of endorphins. Yet, I look in the mirror every day and cannot believe how I look bigger every day, never smaller. I must hover somewhere between BDD/Orthorexia/EDNOS. Who knows. I am certainly not too thin (135 pounds at 5'7.5" is no where near too thin. I want to be 120, the lowest healthy BMI for my height), though I would love to be just on the edge and have people telling me that I am. I want to be lean so that I can run faster - so even if I am small, I have to retain my muscles. You can be delicate looking and strong.
Again, enough with my rambling.
Have a lovely day everyone and welcome to my newest subscribers!
Another good morning
Woke up this morning around 7:30, took an online quiz for my epidemiology course, put on my new Lululemon shorts (via ebay at a decent discount) and hit the pavement for a nice six miles. The wind was really strong but the sun was shining, the sky blue, and the temperature perfect. I hopped on the scale after my run to see 133.6. Granted, that's my dehydrated weight, so I probably am really sitting at about 134.6-8. Regardless, I am thrilled. Even though it's still too high, I'm ready to see that number keep falling.
For breakfast, 3T steel cut oats, 1T cranberries, 2T hazelnuts, and a splash of soy creamer. Not sure of the calories, but I know I burned about 650-700 on my run this morning according to my heart monitor, and I know my breakfast was not even close to that much. Afterward I rehydrated with 1/2 glass of coconut water ~45 calories and water. I'm feeling good about today. Maybe the weather change is making me want to just drinking more tea and coffee and just not eat so much? I always have trouble losing weight in the summer, but find myself more focused in the fall/winter/spring. I have no idea why that makes any sense.
Thank you so much for all of the compliments on my hair! It is just a fun change. I will rock it for a bit and then I will be happy to be back to my sunny blonde locks.
I made Juan some "mounds" bars last night. I had one - they are delicious... a mixture of coconut, brown rice syrup, powdered sugar, vanilla, organic coconut-oil-based shortening all coated in chocolate. I got the recipe from Babycakes Covers the Classics. I checked out a bunch of gluten-free, vegan cookbooks from the county library a while back because I am trying very hard to avoid wheat, since it makes me feel really sluggish and gives me a tummy ache. I have been doing very well lately - no wheat, dairy, eggs, meat, and generally animal derivatives, like gelatin - with the exception of honey - in my diet makes me feel so much better, is better for the environment, and prevents me from loading up on bad-for-you foods. While it may not be easy at first and my not work for everyone, it works wonderfully for me.
I hope everyone is having a good week. Today is a low-key day for me... no class until 4:30, then Grey's Anatomy (yes I still watch it! It is the only show I watch) is on tonight. Tomorrow, I am meeting my friend in the city and we will run an easy four or five miles around the national mall (for those of you know know nothing about Washington, DC, the national mall is basically this biiiiiig lawn that stretches from the Capitol building - where the congress meets - to the Lincoln memorial). Then, I have a biostatistics test tomorrow night at 7pm. I really think it will not be too hard. I had a study group yesterday and I seem to understand the material. I just hope my teacher based the test mostly off of the lecture and homework material and not the other parts of the chapters that we did not discuss in class.
Oh, I am fairly certain my brother is shipping off tonight. He is in the Navy and will be on a submarine. He cannot say exactly when he is leaving and I have no idea where he will go, but I will not hear from him until January. Say a little prayer for him, if you believe in it.
Alright, I am rambling. I think I need to make some goals for the rest of the year. I need to start thinking about Christmas presents too. Running, studying, and knitting need to be my top three priorities.
Have a lovely day. Thanks for reading my crazy rambles!
For breakfast, 3T steel cut oats, 1T cranberries, 2T hazelnuts, and a splash of soy creamer. Not sure of the calories, but I know I burned about 650-700 on my run this morning according to my heart monitor, and I know my breakfast was not even close to that much. Afterward I rehydrated with 1/2 glass of coconut water ~45 calories and water. I'm feeling good about today. Maybe the weather change is making me want to just drinking more tea and coffee and just not eat so much? I always have trouble losing weight in the summer, but find myself more focused in the fall/winter/spring. I have no idea why that makes any sense.
Thank you so much for all of the compliments on my hair! It is just a fun change. I will rock it for a bit and then I will be happy to be back to my sunny blonde locks.
I made Juan some "mounds" bars last night. I had one - they are delicious... a mixture of coconut, brown rice syrup, powdered sugar, vanilla, organic coconut-oil-based shortening all coated in chocolate. I got the recipe from Babycakes Covers the Classics. I checked out a bunch of gluten-free, vegan cookbooks from the county library a while back because I am trying very hard to avoid wheat, since it makes me feel really sluggish and gives me a tummy ache. I have been doing very well lately - no wheat, dairy, eggs, meat, and generally animal derivatives, like gelatin - with the exception of honey - in my diet makes me feel so much better, is better for the environment, and prevents me from loading up on bad-for-you foods. While it may not be easy at first and my not work for everyone, it works wonderfully for me.
I hope everyone is having a good week. Today is a low-key day for me... no class until 4:30, then Grey's Anatomy (yes I still watch it! It is the only show I watch) is on tonight. Tomorrow, I am meeting my friend in the city and we will run an easy four or five miles around the national mall (for those of you know know nothing about Washington, DC, the national mall is basically this biiiiiig lawn that stretches from the Capitol building - where the congress meets - to the Lincoln memorial). Then, I have a biostatistics test tomorrow night at 7pm. I really think it will not be too hard. I had a study group yesterday and I seem to understand the material. I just hope my teacher based the test mostly off of the lecture and homework material and not the other parts of the chapters that we did not discuss in class.
Oh, I am fairly certain my brother is shipping off tonight. He is in the Navy and will be on a submarine. He cannot say exactly when he is leaving and I have no idea where he will go, but I will not hear from him until January. Say a little prayer for him, if you believe in it.
Alright, I am rambling. I think I need to make some goals for the rest of the year. I need to start thinking about Christmas presents too. Running, studying, and knitting need to be my top three priorities.
Have a lovely day. Thanks for reading my crazy rambles!
Busy
Still hovering around 137. Ridiculous.
Ran four miles Saturday, six on Sunday, and four more this morning. I need to budget my time a bit better, get my bum out of bed before 7:30 and up my mileage.
I think only have breakfast, a snack, and coffee sounds like a great idea for today. If I keep that up, I'll be 135 by the end of the week.
I have a ton of schoolwork to get done in the next few days (10-15 page SINGLE-SPACED report on health in Lebanon, biostatistics homework from three chapters, reading/study guides/quiz/case study for epidemiology) since I am going home on Saturday morning. That also means, I need to run tomorrow afternoon, Thursday/Friday mornings, Sunday morning, and possibly Monday afternoon if I can squeeze it in.
I am so tired of being fat.
I cried most of the day on Saturday because I am so large. I cried in the shower yesterday as I grabbed the excess flesh on my stomach and thighs. I need to be under 120 pounds. I keep saying it, but I'm not doing anything - which is extra pathetic, because this time last year, I was quickly creeping down to 128.
Ran four miles Saturday, six on Sunday, and four more this morning. I need to budget my time a bit better, get my bum out of bed before 7:30 and up my mileage.
I think only have breakfast, a snack, and coffee sounds like a great idea for today. If I keep that up, I'll be 135 by the end of the week.
I have a ton of schoolwork to get done in the next few days (10-15 page SINGLE-SPACED report on health in Lebanon, biostatistics homework from three chapters, reading/study guides/quiz/case study for epidemiology) since I am going home on Saturday morning. That also means, I need to run tomorrow afternoon, Thursday/Friday mornings, Sunday morning, and possibly Monday afternoon if I can squeeze it in.
I am so tired of being fat.
I cried most of the day on Saturday because I am so large. I cried in the shower yesterday as I grabbed the excess flesh on my stomach and thighs. I need to be under 120 pounds. I keep saying it, but I'm not doing anything - which is extra pathetic, because this time last year, I was quickly creeping down to 128.
I can hardly believe it is October already
As is customary after a bit of an absence, I offer my apologies for not writing when I should be. I am finally feeling settled in school and in my new neighborhood, so I think I will have more time for writing in the next few months before the semester ends.
I think I left off just a day after the half-marathon with a brief posting of my time. Well, the race went wonderfully. Apparently, people clocked the distance on their Garmins as being about a quarter-mile longer than 13.1 - in that case, I may have actually finished in just under two hours, which was my goal. In the days since, I have been running, but not training (meaning, I need to sign up for another race so I don't get lazy), burying myself in schoolwork, the fourth season of Mad Men, and too much eating.
Unsurprisingly, my weight is still hovering between 136-137. Too. Damn. Much. I think my newest plan - besides shunning carbs as a food-group - will be to skip one meal per day. I normally do not advocate such a thing, unless one is fasting, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I am also going to try and have a cup of tea before my two meals of the day in order to try and truly assess my appetite and hopefully fill me up beforehand.
Today I have already consumed far more than necessary - a smoothie with half a banana, mango chunks, and equal splashes (1/4 cup each) of vegetable/fruit juice, almond milk, and unsweetened soy yogurt, a slice of homemade vegan, gluten-free pumpkin ginger bread, six almonds, and with my mid-morning tea, a four tea-biscuits (130 calories for the four).
I know that we are often always setting and not reaching goals in this community, but I am feeling particularly determined right now, and with the beginning of a new season, I think I can truly do this. The pressure of school is going to make me stressed (in a good, appetite-suppressing way) and the weather will be absolutely perfect for logging many miles through the falling leaves. I will eat more elegantly and sparingly - enough to let my body rid itself of all of the excess fat while still having the energy to run and write papers. I am going to be faster, leaner, and more beautiful. I want my arms, back, abs, and legs to be nothing but lean muscle, I've had enough cushion.
How are you ladies feeling about fall? I think the cold weather we are experiencing right now will pass by the end of the week, but I love being able to hide in sweaters and tights and boots. Being bundled means people can imagine you thinner underneath - or at least that's what I hope.
I have been reading all of my subscriptions this week, but I am terribly behind on commenting. Thank you so much for the positive responses regarding my race. I hope at least one person is motivated to run. It is cheap, you can do it anywhere, it fills you with endorphins, allows you to escape, and there really is no wrong way. You might be fast, you might be slow, but if you run - you're a runner.
I found these lovely photos on The Sartorialist this week - totally in love...
Blue
I had a rough day yesterday.
Friday was fine - basically uneventful, it rained in the morning, the sun finally came out, my roommate and I went to Trader Joe's and bonded a bit, she bought me a balloon, I decided to treat myself to veggie sushi for lunch, I baked cupcakes to take to my class and share with my roommates (only one for each roommate and me, and then I left the rest with me class - no leftovers to tempt me), I came home and my roommates surprised me with a bottle of chardonnay and crème de cassis for making kir, we had a few drinks and went out to a bar, I talked with a bunch of my roommate's friends (strangers) and then we came home.
Yesterday morning, I woke around 9:30 and went for a six-mile run. Then, the loneliness just hit me. Juan and I Skyped for a while and I tried to do homework in the sunshine that afternoon. I ate the most random things, feeling disgusting and fat with each bite. I watched some episodes of Mad Men and debated meeting up with my friends in DC. I decided I just did not feel well enough for that. Around 7, I ventured out to browse some shops, just so I was not spending my entire day in silence in my apartment. I didn't buy anything, came home, and cried a bit more. I love having the radio on in my apartment, but this week, all I keep hearing about is rain, flooding, earthquakes, power outages, fires, and of course the anniversary of 9.11.01. Juan texted me to tell me he is excited to see me and kiss me - I respond that I feel fat and ugly and I can't have kisses. Just not a good day.
I slept in again until 9:30. I really do not feel like running, so, I will walk a bit today and run tomorrow when I get home from the Paul Farmer talk in DC (Has anyone ever read Mountains Beyond Mountains? It is my favorite book, and the doctor in it is who I am going to hear speak tomorrow). I am also going to begin a mini-detox à la Adeline. I plan to have herbal tea and a small glass of juice for breakfast, green tea for lunch, and fruit and a salad with lemon juice for dinner. That is the plan for this week (six-and-a-half days). Juan is coming on Saturday and I made him promise last time that we would eat healthily the next time he visits. Every time we get together we are eating out so much that I gain weight.
Thank you everyone for the lovely birthday wishes. I wish I could have celebrated with you in person - I always end up celebrating with strangers, in accordance with out school calendar. Every year in elementary school you have a new "homeroom," then middle school is a new batch, high school changes, you move to college, then abroad, then graduate school #1, and now #2. Last year was the first in forever that I was able to celebrate my birthday with my truly good friends. On Wednesday I am going to do a bit of birthday shopping, and I may try and find a pair of shoes today. I have coupons for Anthropologie, Sur La Table, and DSW. Obviously, on my graduate student budget, I have to be frugal, but at Anthro I want this lovely candle so much. I was given a candle like this last August, it took me a year to burn it, and last September I bought a replacement with my discount. I just started burning that one, but I want this bigger version in the pretty jar.
Sur La Table has wonderful kitchen things, so I may buy a new dish towel. At DSW I will only buy something deeply discounted if I love it. I was there last night, but I forgot my coupon.
Anyway, I am rambling. My weight was up to 138 this morning, the highest I have recorded on this blog. Last year, this time, I was 130-132. I know I gained the weight by eating like a pig, but it still shocks me and makes me feel so unworthy of anything. I am going to try and just get dressed and get my day started, take a walk, have some tea, and feel better. We'll see how that goes.
Hopefully I can lose two or three pounds detoxing this week. I would feel much better that way. When Juan arrives, I need to stick to the plan I outlined in my last post and then I might finally be able to get under 130.
I'll get around to some commenting today. I have been a bit better about it, but I still need to reply to a bunch of your lovely posts.
Please think about where you were ten years ago, today. I do not personally know anyone who died as a result of the attacks, but I do know someone who escaped the towers and my father's crew went to man a firehouse in Manhattan. Just the thought of it gives me chills, and I sincerely hope that these innocent and brave people did not die in vain. While I believe in justice, I also believe in love. More love and less hate is what this world truly needs.
Friday was fine - basically uneventful, it rained in the morning, the sun finally came out, my roommate and I went to Trader Joe's and bonded a bit, she bought me a balloon, I decided to treat myself to veggie sushi for lunch, I baked cupcakes to take to my class and share with my roommates (only one for each roommate and me, and then I left the rest with me class - no leftovers to tempt me), I came home and my roommates surprised me with a bottle of chardonnay and crème de cassis for making kir, we had a few drinks and went out to a bar, I talked with a bunch of my roommate's friends (strangers) and then we came home.
Yesterday morning, I woke around 9:30 and went for a six-mile run. Then, the loneliness just hit me. Juan and I Skyped for a while and I tried to do homework in the sunshine that afternoon. I ate the most random things, feeling disgusting and fat with each bite. I watched some episodes of Mad Men and debated meeting up with my friends in DC. I decided I just did not feel well enough for that. Around 7, I ventured out to browse some shops, just so I was not spending my entire day in silence in my apartment. I didn't buy anything, came home, and cried a bit more. I love having the radio on in my apartment, but this week, all I keep hearing about is rain, flooding, earthquakes, power outages, fires, and of course the anniversary of 9.11.01. Juan texted me to tell me he is excited to see me and kiss me - I respond that I feel fat and ugly and I can't have kisses. Just not a good day.
I slept in again until 9:30. I really do not feel like running, so, I will walk a bit today and run tomorrow when I get home from the Paul Farmer talk in DC (Has anyone ever read Mountains Beyond Mountains? It is my favorite book, and the doctor in it is who I am going to hear speak tomorrow). I am also going to begin a mini-detox à la Adeline. I plan to have herbal tea and a small glass of juice for breakfast, green tea for lunch, and fruit and a salad with lemon juice for dinner. That is the plan for this week (six-and-a-half days). Juan is coming on Saturday and I made him promise last time that we would eat healthily the next time he visits. Every time we get together we are eating out so much that I gain weight.
Thank you everyone for the lovely birthday wishes. I wish I could have celebrated with you in person - I always end up celebrating with strangers, in accordance with out school calendar. Every year in elementary school you have a new "homeroom," then middle school is a new batch, high school changes, you move to college, then abroad, then graduate school #1, and now #2. Last year was the first in forever that I was able to celebrate my birthday with my truly good friends. On Wednesday I am going to do a bit of birthday shopping, and I may try and find a pair of shoes today. I have coupons for Anthropologie, Sur La Table, and DSW. Obviously, on my graduate student budget, I have to be frugal, but at Anthro I want this lovely candle so much. I was given a candle like this last August, it took me a year to burn it, and last September I bought a replacement with my discount. I just started burning that one, but I want this bigger version in the pretty jar.
Anyway, I am rambling. My weight was up to 138 this morning, the highest I have recorded on this blog. Last year, this time, I was 130-132. I know I gained the weight by eating like a pig, but it still shocks me and makes me feel so unworthy of anything. I am going to try and just get dressed and get my day started, take a walk, have some tea, and feel better. We'll see how that goes.
Hopefully I can lose two or three pounds detoxing this week. I would feel much better that way. When Juan arrives, I need to stick to the plan I outlined in my last post and then I might finally be able to get under 130.
I'll get around to some commenting today. I have been a bit better about it, but I still need to reply to a bunch of your lovely posts.
Please think about where you were ten years ago, today. I do not personally know anyone who died as a result of the attacks, but I do know someone who escaped the towers and my father's crew went to man a firehouse in Manhattan. Just the thought of it gives me chills, and I sincerely hope that these innocent and brave people did not die in vain. While I believe in justice, I also believe in love. More love and less hate is what this world truly needs.
Perspective and a plan
To begin, a short list of the things I am proud of right now:
- Last week I ran 4 miles Monday, 8.5 Wednesday, 3 (plus 2 walking) Saturday, 5 yesterday, and 4 (plus 2 walking) today. In addition, I have been doing a lot of walking - I park my car about a mile from campus and sometimes have to walk an additional quarter to half mile across campus.
- I painted my lamp and standing mirror. The lamp is now a leaf-green to match the lampshade I purchased at IKEA and the mirror is blue. I am not totally happy with the mirror, so I may rub a darker paint (either darker blue or black) over it to tone it down. (I may eventually get around to taking a few photos)
- My first week of classes went smoothly. Global health, health promotions, intro to epidemiology, intro to biostatistics - I arrived on time and the syllabi lead me to believe I'll be able to handle this semester without too much stress.
- My apartment looks quite cute and my housemates are really sweet. Basically, my living situation couldn't be better. What a relief, especially since my situation in San Diego was so awful.
And the bad news:
- My weight is horrific. Each day I range somewhere between 136 and 138. After eating a salty, wheat-filled pretzel last night, I was 139 before my run today.
- I have a terrible stomach ache, and if that isn't a sign to not eat, I don't know what is. I had a bit of unsweetened soy yogurt for breakfast, and I may have some toast later.
- Juan is not coming this weekend for my birthday (the 9th). I sort of knew this would happen, and the only upside is that he may come next weekend, and in that case I have a little more time to try and get my body to be less gross.
- I have been eating practically non-stop, since my loans came through and I was able to afford some groceries. That led to an exploratory trip to whole foods. This has led to polenta and vegan cheese and other fattening foods. I need to stick to salad and stop being so gluttonous.
- Cellulite, stretch marks, and no thigh gap. Still.
And then there is eating.
As some of you know, I love to cook and bake. I am always checking out cookbooks from the library and am fairly obsessed with the vegan blogging world. Additionally, I love trying new foods and in general, eating. Yet, I hate what food does to my body. I simply have the constitution that if I look at a cookie, I gain three pounds. I see food as not so much nourishing, but combative to my system (I don't tolerate wheat or dairy well, hence the generally gluten-free, vegan diet). I hope that someday my attitude toward food and my body will be much more normal, but right now I am just not there.
I think I need to start cutting out more foods - specifically nuts. Cutting down my fat intake from nut butters and nuts will certainly decrease my protein intake, but I am not strength training right now, so I think it will be okay. I also need to have more rigidly set menus for the day. I want to restrict my calories to under 1000, and the only wait to do that is to have a daily recipe - basically a combination of meals that I can eat that I know will get me under my goal. For example, breakfast can be either soy yogurt with frozen fruit, oatmeal, or a smoothie (200 calories max). Lunch should be my heartiest meal, so I will have to look into my choices for that one - basically veggies, a whole grain, maybe a protein and a serving of fruit (400 calories max). Dinner should be strictly salads - all vegetables with a splash of vinegar or lemon juice and herbs (300 calories max). Then I have 100 calories to be able to have another piece of fruit, a soy cappuccino, etc. Caffeine is essential for getting me through afternoon/evening classes, but green tea is preferred to coffee.
Alright, I think I am finally running out of words and I need to just ruminate on all of this.
Final thoughts - under 1000, running minimum of five days per week (I am still training for my half-marathon on the 25th) with a preference of six days, organizing my schoolwork and time in order to maximize my efficiency and minimize snacking...
Any thoughts and comments will be greatly appreciated. I am quite grateful for your comments on the last one. I will write some replies tonight.
Moi
- désespérée de maigrir
- I hate: my weight. I love: being a vegetarian, France, tulips & poppies, anything by Paul Coehlo, baby animals, gin, knitting, dresses, kirs, cake decorating, Johnny Swim & Matt Nathanson, running, Casablanca, my best friends and family, and an amazing French man who makes everything in this world so much easier to take on