A new month, a clean slate?

Good morning everyone.  For once I am actually feeling like it could be a good morning.

I just returned from the first training run of my three month marathon training program.  Today, I just had to do four and a half miles with two, thirty second sprints after.  I woke up early-ish (6:30) and was out the door in twenty minutes.  The run felt pretty good, all around, except that it must have been seventy-five perfect humidity.  I hope that the humidity lessens as the week goes on.

This weekend was... interesting... Friday afternoon I worked at the yarn store and received an email while I was there from the bride.  The short story, since I would prefer not to publish her email here, is that she blames me for a bunch of things (the most troublesome being that I did not go to her bridal shower, and in fact she said that the girl who sabotaged me's father was in the hospital, deathly ill, and she came to the shower - which I think is warped, to say the least) and did not have a hint of apology.  She said that she vomited when she read the email exchange between me and the other bridesmaids.  Anyway, I am mailing my declined invitation today and this is the end of our friendship.

Then, Friday night, there was a HUGE storm, and 1,000,000 people in northern Virginia and Maryland were left without power, including myself.  Saturday was a long, very hot day, as we waited for the power to come back.  Luckily, our power was returned by Saturday night, though there is a lot of debris and people have much damage and still no power all around the area.

There is not much else going on in my life right now, just working a lot, trying to figure out when I am going to run, and knitting.  Juan has been out of touch, working sixty-five hours a week and his phone is broken.  Hopefully he can fix is soon and talk to me again.  We've been emailing, but it makes me miss him a lot.

My weight is hovering around 135 right now.  Not horrific, but I should have been 125 and continued downward so long ago.  Maybe this training program will help me slim down.  I think losing weight would be good for my joints, frankly.

I hope everyone had a good weekend.  I know Lou Lou got the package I sent her, Dani is back to posting, and Isobel is cleansing like crazy!

Playing catch-up

Not sure if anyone is really wondering what's going on around here, but I figured I should leave a little update since it has been weeks since I last posted.

The most important thing is that my friend Pauline is still missing.  It was been over four weeks since she disappeared.  The police and her family are still searching, but since I am far away, I am not really privy to all of the details.  Please pray that she will return to her family soon.

School is finally finished up for the semester.  I am not really sure how I survived finals week(s), but by some miracle I did and held on to my 4.0.

I have been working quite a bit - babysitting, the law firm, the yarn store, and then I am starting back at my research assistantship this week or next.

I am also knitting up a storm.  I finished a lace hoodie last week that is so cute.  When I finally get around to taking some photos, I'll get them up here.  I am working on wedding presents, a birthday gift for my grandmother, a scarf for a customer, a hat for a friend, and a present for Lulu's daughter, among backlogged projects for Jeanne and Peri.

Just before Pauline went missing, Juan told me that we should stop talking.  But when she disappeared, I really needed him.  We have been communicating a lot, but I am sure nothing will come of it.  He is in Las Vegas for the holiday weekend with his guy friends from high school.  I know they are just drinking and gambling and blowing cash, but he has been texting me a lot.  Friday night I was at a party that my roommate threw at my house and drank quite a bit (for the first time in more than a year) - we were texting the whole time.  I said "te amo"- and he said "te amo" back.  Probably means nothing because he was drunk.  I guess I will see.

My weight has been up lately, steadily about 135.  I am much more at ease at 130, and considering I really want to be somewhere between 118-124, I feel huge.  I have not been running much, but I went yesterday and will get back into it when I get accustomed to my new summer schedule.  And, I recently bought a piece of furniture, so I am not allowing myself to go grocery shopping for at least another week or two.  My fridge is currently a desolate wasteland, which is great for my waistline.

The life is still kind of chaotic - sometimes I feel like I am not really living it, but its just happening.  I don't even know how to explain it well.  Nothing really seems to matter because my friend is missing.

To those of you who have left kind references/links to me over the past few weeks (Isobel and Impractical Shopper over at Je suis jalouse), it really does make me smile to know someone is thinking of me.

Drained

This week has pushed me to the brink.

I went home to visit my friends and family last weekend.  I felt great, ran 12 miles on Saturday and had a nice time overall.  But, even with that mini vacation, a pile of stress just keeps getting bigger.

First, I let my friend who is getting married this summer (I am a bridesmaid) that I am unable to afford to go to her bachelorette weekend.  Initially, her party was going to be a laid-back spa day at her house.  The maid of honor and I were going to cook tasty food, serve champagne cocktails, and hire a masseuse and manicurist to come for the day.  Sometime in the past few months, the bride completely changed her mind and arranged a weekend in the finger lakes of NY to go wine tasting.  Obviously, this sounds divine, but between driving up and back to our home in NJ, the van to NY, the hotel, the wineries (and I suppose pitching in for my friend's accommodations), and missing two to three days of work here... I just cannot do it.  I was terrified to tell her, but I stuck to my principles and did not allow her to persuade me otherwise.  I would love to go and I feel bad, but it's just not possible for me. (I cannot even stay at the hotel where she is getting married in July, because the place is so extravagant!)

Next, the end of the school year is gearing up.  I did not run a single day this week because I have either been at work, in class, or trying to dig myself out from this giant hole of schoolwork that I managed to fall into.  In the next three weeks, I have three exams, an article review, policy analysis, outbreak plan, health intervention proposal, case-series proposal, and a finally presentation to do.  That is my normal schoolwork, and in addition to that, I have data collection, writing, and number crunching for my assistantship.  I was up until two in the morning last night writing my case-series proposal on nosocomial sepsis in neonatal patients.  Hopefully, I will finish that by this afternoon, then get started on my article review and outbreak plan.

I am also kind of nervous about next year's finances.  Through me department, I have a research assistantship which pays just enough to cover my rent for the year.  Then, they were able to give me an out-of-state tuition waiver (for those of you not familiar with our system in the US, we have state schools that are public, but if you are not an official resident of that state, you pay a much higher tuition cost) that allows me to borrow about half of what it would cost me otherwise.  The budget is really tight throughout the university this year, so I am extremely nervous about them not granting my out of state waiver and having to borrow double what I have planned.  Being thousands of dollars in student debt makes me incredibly anxious, even if it will be ultimately worth it.

And the last two things I need to unload... Juan and I had been continuing to talk ever since we broke up in January.  Things were strained and weird, but occasionally we would have some really good days and flirt and even Skype sometimes.  Well, this week, he told me he does not want us to talk anymore.  He initially took the position that he thought it would be better for me so that I could "move on."  The truth is, I find the entire notion of him dictating such a thing, deciding what is best for me after breaking my heart, and even implying that I can just "move on" incredibly offensive.  I have loved him from the bottom of my heart from practically the day that I met him.  That does not disappear merely because it has to or he or I wants it to.  You do not choose who you love, your heart does.  I dedicated so much love and energy to him and I know that my heart was made to love him.  I mapped out the next few years of my life, between my next year, him moving, us moving to California, getting married, etc.  All of my future involved him, us as a couple - that does not just go away because you think it is time to move on.  I do not even know if I want to stop loving him, to be honest, because even though it is painful, I know it is what my heart is meant to do.  So, after some heavy tears and me venting a bit at him, I managed to ask him if us not speaking was really what he thought was best, or was it what he wanted.  He told me something along the lines of him not having responsibility or obligation to care for me anymore, and I cannot be texting him multiple times a day and whatever... what that really means is that he does not WANT me to speak to him anymore.  I wish he could have just said that from the get-go.  Its truly awful, but I have no grounds to argue with him and I am forced to honor his wishes.

It feels like we just broke up all over again.  My heart is so hurt and all I want to do is get on a plane to California and beg him to change his mind and take it all back.  I have done some seriously thinking in the past three months, and it has not gotten even a bit easier.  In fact, I am certain that I love him just as much and miss him even more.  I have, however, come to grips with the fact that if I do not have Juan in my life, then that is it.  I do not have anyone.  I was given my shot at this, and it did not work out, regardless of who is to blame.  I know that sounds INSANELY dramatic coming from someone who is not even 25 years old.

Enough of that sappy nonsense... as I mentioned, I have not run since last Saturday and I have been eating a horribly disgusting amount of food this week.  I am somewhere around 134-135, which is unacceptable.  I ate breakfast this morning, but for lunch I am going to go out for iced coffee to power me through the afternoon.  That usually takes away my appetite for the rest of the day.  I might try the same tactic tomorrow.  Sometime later today, I would like to take a study break and go for a run, but I think it is going to rain (tomorrow's forecast is rainy too).  My friend's wedding is the last week of July. My goal is to be 125 by then.  I think it will actually look slightly dramatic on my frame, since people are used to my chubby cheeks.  The stress and busyness of the next few weeks should help get my back down to 130 and then I can focus on running a lot more when school is out.

My apologies for disappearing for a little while.  I have been keeping up with most everyone's blogs, but I have some commenting to do.

I hope everyone has lovely, stress-free plans for the weekend.  If you bothered to read this entire thing, bravo, I thank you.  If you manage to comment, you're even more special!

Oh, and Miranda and Peri, I can't comment on your blogs right now, not sure if it has to to with any of the blogger updates... but I <3 you both.

Quickly

I don't have very much to say on the weight loss front.  I was 132.4 after my run this morning, but 135.6 when I woke up.

I ran 10.05 miles in 1:27:15.

4.5 Monday, 6.2 Wednesday, 4.5 Thursday, 6.2 Friday, 10.05 today = 31.45 and I will probably do an easy 4-4.5 tomorrow.  Then again, if my legs are as tired in the morning as they are now, I may just take an additional rest day.

A little food philosophy

I had a weird day yesterday.  Woke up with a headache and just felt yucky, so I decided to take a rest day and bake instead.  Even though I had class in the afternoon, I was practically a zombie all day and just could not get in the groove to do any schoolwork.

I was something like 134.2 when I woke up.  This morning, I was a bit heavier, since I had wheat yesterday (bad decision, of course).  I was 134.6 after my run, meaning probably 135.6.  I obviously do not want to gain, but I'm happy to not be above 136.  I am shooting for 129 by Thanksgiving.  Not only have I kept up with my running regimen (8 miles Saturday, 4.5 Sunday, 6.5 today) but I am basically broke (oh the life of a graduate student!) and I just cannot afford to go to the grocery store until pay day.  Luckily, Trader Joe's has relatively cheap produce - as does the Asian market near my house.  I have to restock my fridge with produce and that is really about it.  Practically all I eat is fresh or frozen vegetables and fruit.  I have been working very hard on limiting how often I have nuts, they are just simply too high in calories.

For example, last night, I had chickpeas with tomato sauce over spinach and kale.  I also had a piece of the brownies I made yesterday morning, which is not worth it.  I used to tell the kids that I coached that think of food as fuel, and as your body as a Porsche.  "Premium fuel in the tank" was my tagline.  Basically, while I know I have to eat at least something to sustain my athletic activity (which I love - and I will not give up running for anything) and basic brain function, even while trying to lose every last bit of fat on my body, when I eat, it should only be food that serves a nourishing purpose.  Chocolate, beer, sweets, bread, etc. is not nourishing me.  Vegetables, legumes, fruit, nuts, tofu, rice, quinoa, seaweed, etc. are nourishing, low calories, highly nutrient-dense foods.  The worst thing I put in my body on a regular basis is coffee - which I have about every other day, with soy milk.  Otherwise, I drink water, tea, and the occasional coconut water or juice.  I do enjoy having these foods, even sometimes having large quantities, because I know my body is using every last bit in a good way.  My greatest, yet rare, indulgence is a glass of wine or a cocktail.  I think the last time I even had a glass was when Juan visited, in September.

I am really starting to ramble on now.  Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that my struggles with food/exercise/my body are different from those of an anorexic or bulimic, though I admit thinking about what goes into my body and my physical activity takes up a good 50-60% of my thoughts.  I try to limit my intake in terms of calories and to only the healthiest foods so I do not have to feel guilty and make up for it with extra exercise.  I would rather just run several miles every morning to get fresh air and the rush of endorphins.  Yet, I look in the mirror every day and cannot believe how I look bigger every day, never smaller.  I must hover somewhere between BDD/Orthorexia/EDNOS.  Who knows.  I am certainly not too thin (135 pounds at 5'7.5" is no where near too thin.  I want to be 120, the lowest healthy BMI for my height), though I would love to be just on the edge and have people telling me that I am.  I want to be lean so that I can run faster - so even if I am small, I have to retain my muscles.  You can be delicate looking and strong.

Again, enough with my rambling.

Have a lovely day everyone and welcome to my newest subscribers!

Good day

I magically lost two pounds this weekend.  I weighed 134.8 after my run.  I am ecstatic.  I'll be even more pleased when I finally get down under 130.

Oh, and I dyed my hair... if you recall, this year I went from this...

to this...

and now this!

Don't worry, it's semi-permanent - it should mostly wash out in a few weeks.  My Nana said I look Irish :)

10.2 miles before 10am

134.6 after my run this morning.  Mind you, my run was 10.2ish miles so I sweat a lot.  I wore my new compression sleeves.

I definitely noticed that my legs felt less fatigued, but my ankles were still really painful by the end from pounding on the sidewalk.  According to my heart monitor, I burned around 1300 calories, which is awesome.  Due to my detox, I will certainly have a calorie deficit today.  During my run, I had coconut water (100cal), then had soy yogurt, six almonds, and a drizzle of honey for breakfast.  It is lunchtime now, and I had some snap peas and veggie/fruit juice, but I am not very hungry.

For the rest of the day, I need to drink a lot of water and rest - which is fine, since I do not have class and only have a meeting with the professor for whom i am doing my research assistantship.  I will walk to campus, but that should help with active recovery.

If I do really well today, I know I'll be about 135-136 tomorrow.  I want that so badly.  On my way home, I will stop at the grocery store for some lettuce and lemons so I can make another awesome salad like the past two nights.  Lemon juice is such good salad dressing, honestly.  It is so flavorful that I really do not miss the oil.  And, I find that if I stack my calories in the beginning of the day - small but nutritious breakfast, something hot and filling for lunch (like vegetable soup, or something with a whole grain - though not now, since I am trying to eat extra low calories), and a salad - even if it is quite large - for dinner makes me feel great, and most importantly, not guilty!

Anyway, the next few days I have to do a ton of schoolwork and research and clean my apartment (including laundry), and the first floor of our house from top-to-bottom. I'm going to leave some comments now and I hope you all have a great Wednesday!

Don't forget to drink green tea and eat your veggies

Training week two

I will be through with my second week of half-marathon training tomorrow.  I find it very strange that on this training plan, I am actually exercising quite a bit less than I was before hand.  This week was three easy miles on Monday, my bursting class on Tuesday, four easy miles on Wednesday, bursting Thursday, rest yesterday, three easy miles today and five tomorrow.  Unfortunately, this abominable heat makes me want to do nothing, but I got up early to get in my run this morning.  Yesterday, it was 106 degrees at my house... in the shade...  I spent the day with my friend Kathryn, the one who is engaged and in whose wedding I am set to be a bridesmaid next summer (maybe I haven't mentioned her on here before, but anyway).  She has a lovely pool, and even though I was of course feeling super self-conscious, I put on my bikini and swam in the pool and spread out in the sun.  Luckily, I did not get a bit of sunburn and actually tanned slightly.  My calories for the day totaled somewhere just around 1,000.  Obviously I feel like that is too much, but I know it is actually still too little.

My calorie tracker is really helpful.  I can input my exercise and intake so easily, and I know this is going to help me.  Today I made a smoothie and had a mid-morning snack of almonds and I am just under 300 calories so far.  I am going to eat something very small, under 200, for lunch in case I want to have a glass of wine tonight.  My college roommate is getting married on the 14th (hence the dress I am trying to fit into - which miraculously, although I may be delusional, I think fit slightly better this morning) and her bridesmaids took her to a cabin resort in the Poconos for the weekend.  I live just over the river in NJ, so my other roommate from college is meeting me here in a bit and we'll drive out there for the afternoon.  I am not sure what the food and drink situation will be for tonight, so I need to keep it minimal for lunch.  I also think I may have to be in my bathing suit again, so I want to try and look at least halfway decent.

As for my big news, still not quite ready to reveal yet.  Mich, since we are friends on FB, if you look on my wall just over the past week, I know I mentioned it there - if you happen to be that curious.  Otherwise, hopefully I can tell everyone next week.

I hope everyone is having a lovely weekend, and for those of you in the States, stay out of the heat and drink plenty of water!!!

I have been hovering between 134-136 for weeks now.  Even if I have a few great days of clean, minimal eating, I lose nothing.

Today, I am cracking down, because now the wedding is only three weeks away.  My breakfast, after a 4.2 mile, super humid run was a smoothie made of one banana, mango, 1/2 cup light soymilk, 2 teaspoons flax meal, ice and water.  For a mid-morning snack (which will be my lunch, really) I had one serving of almonds.  That totals 430 calories so far.  I downloaded the app from calorie counter at about.com, which I have been using for years already.  The last weight I put in there was one the 21st of April, and though it was probably after my run, I entered 131.8.  What has happened to me???

I have relatively big (not weight or relationship related) news to announce, hopefully by the end of this week.  

Have a great day ladies, stay strong, make good, healthy, skinny choices.

Ne mange pas!

I could have been under 135 today but I a)had some fruit before bed and b) weighed once when I got up (135.2), ate a baby yogurt, went to the bathroom and weighed 135.0... that means I should have been under 135! UGH.

Tonight, I am going to come home from work, go for a short run, and then bake for my friend's birthday party tomorrow.

I will likely eat something small

before work at four o'clock and then bring coffee with me. It is my goal to not eat when I get home. That is the only way I will be under 135 tomorrow.

I feel like I have been working very hard lately to keep my eating under control. I was exactly 135.0 this morning and I really haven't been exercising at all lately because of this God-awful weather.

I hereby swear that I will go for a run tomorrow morning. I can do it.

Is anyone else itching to travel? I studied abroad in Paris during college and my heart is just aching to go back. I think all of this up and down nonsense with Juan just makes me want to escape everything for a while. J'adore la France. I need to just buy a ticket and go. I don't know what I will find when I get there, but hopefully something worthwhile...

I had another "fight" with Juan on Tuesday night and I haven't spoken to him in more than twenty-four hours. It feels horrible, but he has been so awful to me lately that I just have to stick to my principles.

Work is keeping me busy enough that I don't have time to eat, which is fantastic. I go in either from 12-8 or 4-8 and do not take lunch breaks. I feel really powerful when I resist food.

Breakfast this morning was about six cherries, 4 mini baguette slices (probably one inch thick) with a bit of jam, and café au lait du soja.

Parisian inspired thinspo

Downward trend

I lost again - 135.2 after taking my dogs for a two mile walk. Such a relief to see that my efforts are paying off.

I essentially skipped breakfast, had a peach and coffee mid-morning. I am baking for two different occasions for today/tomorrow, so I did taste-test some frosting/batter, and eat 3/4 of a cupcake (made with beets! so at least it wasn't completely devoid of nutrition) I may eat one of the carrot cupcakes I made because I'm test-baking for a wedding, and need to see how they turned out. Or, I may split one with my mom and then get everyone else's opinions... that sounds like a better plan actually.

Juan was texting me all day yesterday and then we Skyped. I miss him so much - he won't admit it, but I know he misses me too. Why can't we just be together??