The past few days in a row have felt so.... off. I feel like I am crashing into waves of happiness/sadness/anxiety over and over again. Fortunately, none of them are very extreme. They do, however, make me isolate myself a bit. Basically, if I am not in class or at work, I stay home and barely talk to anyone except for when my mom calls.
I finally received my box with my belongings in it from Juan. He forgot my Mad Men dvds but I now have a proper comforter on my bed. He included my Christmas gift - a set of Le Creuset mugs - and gifts for my parents. No note or anything like that. It was simply a sad experience opening it, as it sort of signifies that our relationship is really over.
As for everything else - I ran a few times this week, but I am still not totally back in the swing of things. My 10 mile race is on the 1st of April. Fortunately, I think my "base" fitness is still around 6-7 miles, so I physically can run 10 if I want to. I may run them quite slowly, but I will be able to run them. I have not been able to re-adopt my schedule from last semester or waking up around 7:30, spending an hour or so reading blogs and catching up on emails, and then going for a nice run. These days, I am sleeping horribly and barely manage to get out of bed before nine - which is unheard of for me. This morning, I was ready to wake up and hit the pavement, but I slept totally strangely and have acute neck pain. (Like this) I am going to take some anti-inflammatories and get a heat patch so that by the end of my day at work, I can at least go for a short run.
Eating has been all over the place this week. My weight is completely stable 130.something every day. But yesterday, I went to Target in search of a replacement dress (strangely I was wearing the same dress both times that Juan broke up with me, so I gave it to my mother to sell on eBay, but I really loved the dress!) and looked horrific in everything in the dressing room. I always refer to my arms as "ham arms" - they are just huge for no good reason. Even at my thinnest, they are still gigantic. I need to really work harder this weekend and in the next several weeks to get my eating under control (read: eat less!) so I can start losing again. I know it will make me feel better, so why is my behavior so contrary? At least it is still cool enough to wear long sleeves, so I can cover them up. Maybe at 118 they will finally be acceptable?
How is everyone doing? I know Lou is having a bit of a rough time with her move, so please pop over there to say hello and leave some words of encouragement. My darling Eloise could also use some positivity, so pay her a visit too - she is a great person and deserves all of our love (I sent her a package last week, hopefully it will arrive soon!). Obviously there are dozens of others who need support and love every day, but please send Piggy (who isn't a Piggy at all!) some caring words too.
I see that Mich and Jéanne have also received some mail from me, and Peri's and Adeline's should be arriving next week sometime. Isobel and Miranda, I would be happy to send something your way too, if you can get me your addresses.
Oh, one last thing - my sort of exciting-ish news... I registered for my first marathon! It's going to take a lot of work to train for it, but I think it will help put my head in a better place, since I have a clear goal to work toward.
Showing posts with label 130. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 130. Show all posts
NEDA
Some of you might be aware of this, but in case you haven't heard, it is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week.
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/
While I do not claim to have an eating disorder, I exhibit eating disordered behavior and experience a body-dysmorphic mindset more often than not, and I do know that it eating disorders are debilitating illnesses that affect so many people around the world, that some of those people might be connected to my blog, and that many of those people are likely in denial.
So, not to preach, but I hope you take a look.
I will get to a proper post sometime this week and I have a bit of news to share.
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/
While I do not claim to have an eating disorder, I exhibit eating disordered behavior and experience a body-dysmorphic mindset more often than not, and I do know that it eating disorders are debilitating illnesses that affect so many people around the world, that some of those people might be connected to my blog, and that many of those people are likely in denial.
So, not to preach, but I hope you take a look.
I will get to a proper post sometime this week and I have a bit of news to share.
So anxious
Yesterday turned out to be just a really weird day.
On Tuesday morning, Juan called me from the post office to let me know that he was finally mailing my things. When my phone rang, I froze and did not want to answer, but I did. He simply asked me my address and said he would call back. He indeed did call back, and I am not really sure why - just to make SUPER awkward small talk?
Naturally, this set off some bizarre emotional reactions on my end, just feeling pretty terrible and needy all day. I texted him a few times, but I chalked that up to him initially contacting me. I went to bed, had a hard time falling asleep, finally fell asleep, awoke an hour later from a totally creepy-weird nightmare, and texted him immediately.
Yesterday morning, I woke up sort of late and did schoolwork most of the morning. I was just in this total haze, where I felt completely unfocused and anxious about nothing specific. I went to my hardest class, took a quiz (which was my highest grade this semester - they are 10 questions, and we've all been averaging 6-7/10, I think I got an 8/10 on this one... which is not even good), had a lecture, and then received my first assignment back. Combine my low grade (an 83% - I cannot even remember the last time I received a grade that low, and I worked SO hard on it, sent it to my TA ahead of time to look it over) with my overall anxiety, and the second I was out of the building I just burst into tears. Hopefully, I will do a much better job on the assignment due next week, but it just turned out to be a lousy day.
I wanted to wake up early this morning, but getting out of my warm bed in my freezing apartment and just feeling sort of run down, left me lying there until 8:30. Therefore, I did not get my act together and do yoga or go for a run. Tomorrow, I think I have time for both yoga and a run, so I am trying not to be super stressed about it. I have managed to loose the majority of my fitness by taking two months off from running. My chest muscles are not entirely healed yet, but I have that 10 mile race in April, so I need to just get back into it.
Fortunately, the weird feeling I had all day yesterday left me without much of an appetite. I was 130.6 this morning - the lowest in a few days. I guess I should mention the feeling hasn't really dissipated much today, so maybe I'll have another lower-calorie day. At least it makes me feel a little better. For breakfast, I had a small orange, a handful of pomegranate seeds, about 1/2 cup of homemade granola, and a gigantic glass of water. Since I ate so late, I'll plan on two meals today - my second will be before my class meeting at 3:15 - I have lettuce I need to eat, so I'll make a good sized salad. I need to remember to drink more water, and try to have three mugs of green tea. Tea always manages to calm me, which on an anxiety-ridden day is a good thing. I have my two easier classes today - US/Global public health systems and public health management... the first will be a long lecture and the second, short 10-min project progress report presentations and lecture afterward. I know I am doing well in both of those classes, so that's a relief. I am pretty certain that the way I have been scoring in my Infectious Disease class (from yesterday) will leave me with no chance of an A by the end of the semester... meaning I can kiss my 4.0 goodbye.
Sorry for being so weird and negative today. Olivia-Lee wrote a very powerful post yesterday about trying to channel some positive thoughts and visions, so that we don't turn ourselves into what we don't want to be through negative self-talk (that was a terribly confusing way to summarize her point, just go read it, you'll understand). She is right, that each of us is beautiful in our own way, we all have talents and skills, and lovely parts of our personalities that other people will love and appreciate. It's really hard for us to see it from the inside, but its true.
Oh, and one last thing. As I've done for the past several years, I am making some Lenten sacrifices. I am not Catholic - I am some variety of Protestant that I'm not even totally sure of, mainly because I find organized religion and religious people to be very judgmental, and Christ's teaching are predominately about love and encouragement (i.e Remove the plank from your own eye before removing the speck from your neighbor's eye). Anyway, I had Catholic roommates in college and I thought the ritual of making sacrifices each year during Lent is a good way to cultivate discipline, self-reflection, selflessness and help put more of your everyday thoughts on God. (And, even if you don't believe in a god of any sort, those aren't bad things to work on, so please don't judge.) So, as I typically do, I like to relinquish something material and something immaterial. This year I am giving up snacking - kind of an odd thing to do, but I think I mindlessly eat sometimes to keep myself company. Instead of eating in between meals in a vapid attempt to fill an emotional void, I need to put more trust in God and cultivate good relationships with people. As for immaterial, I am giving up criticism. This includes self-criticism - I have already failed miserably on my first day (came home from class yesterday, hopped on the scale for the, um, 5th or 6th time that day, and cried, my head swimming with thoughts of being so fat and how I shouldn't have eaten), which for a body-dysmorphic person is quite difficult. I also need to refrain from criticizing others. I do it out of concern and coming from a place of helpfulness, but sometimes people just need support, not help. In past years, I gave up gossip, and I have come to rarely do it anymore, as a matter of fact.
Is anyone else giving up something for Lent? If you are, I hope you consider the true reasons why the practice is in place... it's not about losing weight. Just a thought.
On Tuesday morning, Juan called me from the post office to let me know that he was finally mailing my things. When my phone rang, I froze and did not want to answer, but I did. He simply asked me my address and said he would call back. He indeed did call back, and I am not really sure why - just to make SUPER awkward small talk?
Naturally, this set off some bizarre emotional reactions on my end, just feeling pretty terrible and needy all day. I texted him a few times, but I chalked that up to him initially contacting me. I went to bed, had a hard time falling asleep, finally fell asleep, awoke an hour later from a totally creepy-weird nightmare, and texted him immediately.
Yesterday morning, I woke up sort of late and did schoolwork most of the morning. I was just in this total haze, where I felt completely unfocused and anxious about nothing specific. I went to my hardest class, took a quiz (which was my highest grade this semester - they are 10 questions, and we've all been averaging 6-7/10, I think I got an 8/10 on this one... which is not even good), had a lecture, and then received my first assignment back. Combine my low grade (an 83% - I cannot even remember the last time I received a grade that low, and I worked SO hard on it, sent it to my TA ahead of time to look it over) with my overall anxiety, and the second I was out of the building I just burst into tears. Hopefully, I will do a much better job on the assignment due next week, but it just turned out to be a lousy day.
I wanted to wake up early this morning, but getting out of my warm bed in my freezing apartment and just feeling sort of run down, left me lying there until 8:30. Therefore, I did not get my act together and do yoga or go for a run. Tomorrow, I think I have time for both yoga and a run, so I am trying not to be super stressed about it. I have managed to loose the majority of my fitness by taking two months off from running. My chest muscles are not entirely healed yet, but I have that 10 mile race in April, so I need to just get back into it.
Fortunately, the weird feeling I had all day yesterday left me without much of an appetite. I was 130.6 this morning - the lowest in a few days. I guess I should mention the feeling hasn't really dissipated much today, so maybe I'll have another lower-calorie day. At least it makes me feel a little better. For breakfast, I had a small orange, a handful of pomegranate seeds, about 1/2 cup of homemade granola, and a gigantic glass of water. Since I ate so late, I'll plan on two meals today - my second will be before my class meeting at 3:15 - I have lettuce I need to eat, so I'll make a good sized salad. I need to remember to drink more water, and try to have three mugs of green tea. Tea always manages to calm me, which on an anxiety-ridden day is a good thing. I have my two easier classes today - US/Global public health systems and public health management... the first will be a long lecture and the second, short 10-min project progress report presentations and lecture afterward. I know I am doing well in both of those classes, so that's a relief. I am pretty certain that the way I have been scoring in my Infectious Disease class (from yesterday) will leave me with no chance of an A by the end of the semester... meaning I can kiss my 4.0 goodbye.
Sorry for being so weird and negative today. Olivia-Lee wrote a very powerful post yesterday about trying to channel some positive thoughts and visions, so that we don't turn ourselves into what we don't want to be through negative self-talk (that was a terribly confusing way to summarize her point, just go read it, you'll understand). She is right, that each of us is beautiful in our own way, we all have talents and skills, and lovely parts of our personalities that other people will love and appreciate. It's really hard for us to see it from the inside, but its true.
Oh, and one last thing. As I've done for the past several years, I am making some Lenten sacrifices. I am not Catholic - I am some variety of Protestant that I'm not even totally sure of, mainly because I find organized religion and religious people to be very judgmental, and Christ's teaching are predominately about love and encouragement (i.e Remove the plank from your own eye before removing the speck from your neighbor's eye). Anyway, I had Catholic roommates in college and I thought the ritual of making sacrifices each year during Lent is a good way to cultivate discipline, self-reflection, selflessness and help put more of your everyday thoughts on God. (And, even if you don't believe in a god of any sort, those aren't bad things to work on, so please don't judge.) So, as I typically do, I like to relinquish something material and something immaterial. This year I am giving up snacking - kind of an odd thing to do, but I think I mindlessly eat sometimes to keep myself company. Instead of eating in between meals in a vapid attempt to fill an emotional void, I need to put more trust in God and cultivate good relationships with people. As for immaterial, I am giving up criticism. This includes self-criticism - I have already failed miserably on my first day (came home from class yesterday, hopped on the scale for the, um, 5th or 6th time that day, and cried, my head swimming with thoughts of being so fat and how I shouldn't have eaten), which for a body-dysmorphic person is quite difficult. I also need to refrain from criticizing others. I do it out of concern and coming from a place of helpfulness, but sometimes people just need support, not help. In past years, I gave up gossip, and I have come to rarely do it anymore, as a matter of fact.
Is anyone else giving up something for Lent? If you are, I hope you consider the true reasons why the practice is in place... it's not about losing weight. Just a thought.
Broken Record
The energy to write has been totally escaping me as of late - in fact, the energy to do much else but school work (of which I am obligated) and sleep and eat has been about all there is.
I spent the weekend with my brother in Seattle. I had a truly lovely time, ate without worrying about being judges or having immense thoughts of self-loathing. My brother is also a vegan, and he treated me all weekend - sushi, lots of yummy soy lattes, lunch in a Rastafari cafe, dinner a fancy vegan bistro in Downtown Seattle, strudel in a sweet Scandanavian settlement town, and other tasty things. We wandered through a zoo, rode the ferry, traipsed all over Seattle and several quaint bay-side island towns and laughed a lot. I am pretty close with my younger brother and I miss him a lot now that he is across the country. It was a good weekend, but rather than returning refreshed and relaxed, I just feel awful now.
I was hoping Juan would make it to the airport on Friday during my layover. We talked on Friday morning, and classic Juan, he waited until Friday to realize he truly wanted to come and by the time it was "too late" for him to get off work. I know in my heart that if her really, really wanted to see me, he could have called in sick. Or better yet, he could have flown to Virginia sometime in the past six weeks to see me. I am completely delusional when it comes to holding out with a glimmer of hope.
But, as I may have mentioned, he is still holding my belongings hostage. Again, these are not things to which I attach any sentimental value, but I mailed him his stuff the week we broke up, and these things belong to ME. So, in a moment of desperation the other night, I sent one of his younger sisters, who I have never met, a message on Facebook, purely with the hope that she could influence him enough to get him to send the package. He has been ignoring about 80% of my attempts to contact him, so I was at a loss of what to do. I figured mentioning to his sister would be less embarrassing than having my dad call him. I finally got Juan on the phone yesterday afternoon to tell him that I had messaged his sister and he totally lost it. He was so angry - and next to nothing raises emotion at him, so I know he was truly upset with me. I guess he just thought it was totally out of line and does not want his family involved. Its strange because we were together for so long and I always felt he might be embarrassed of me, and that why I had only met him mom and never any of his siblings or dad. He initially just kept saying, "Are you kidding me?" and then hung up. I called him back, tearful as always, and told him that I had no idea what else to do, since it has been so long and he always ignores me. He said I needed to be patient. I told him that I did not recognize this person who just does what he wants without any accountability and no regard to my feelings, especially after having claimed to love me for so long. He just said he can do what he wants. I told him he would be alone if he lived his life like that, and he said that was fine. Absolutely unbelievable. I cried for a few minutes and ended up a few minutes late to work. I cried at my desk for a bit when my boss was away from her office.
Last night, I wallowed depressed as ever, ate ice cream and cried and wasted my whole night, not doing any schoolwork whatsoever.
Today has been similar, I slept in really late and have been completely unproductive. I have eaten WAY too much than is necessary even for a normal person, and given my sedentary day, it is completely inexcusable. Finally, I am not in the least bit hungry, I just feel empty and sad, so I am not eating anything for dinner and I think I am going to just stay locked away instead of going to the party my roommates are throwing upstairs.
The most incredible thing is that when I started this blog, so many months ago - back in 2010 - it was several months after Juan and I had broken up initially and I basically felt like I do now. I felt directionless and sad - the only thing I was sure of was going to work each day (for now I have replaced that we school and schoolwork and another job/possibly two). I have no idea where my life is going. I am not one of those wildly independent, strong people, who can live life companionless. I need someone by my side, in my corner, not to necessarily help me with every little thing, but to know that I have a strong foundation that will never shake. Instead, the man who said I was his everything and who wanted to marry me, gets to move on with his perfect life and leave me gasping for air. My chest literally hurts just to think of it. Even worse when I get overwhelmed and cry.
I am sorry to write such horribly depressing things. And I am sorry that I come across as ungrateful for the wonderful things in my life - a roof over my head, plenty of food to each (even on a "broke" grad student budget), a loving family (despite its flaws), a research assistant position, somewhat affordable education, another job, a car, and a handful of truly wonderful friends (including blogging friends)... I know I am not completely deprived.
I just feel like my heart will never ever recover from this, that I can never trust anyone with my heart - it makes me not want to ever try to find love, to have children, to be around people who are in love... I have no idea how to reconcile the fact that I know, as a person, I need a companion, but the thought of ever going through this again is enough to turn me off to everything. How does someone whose very livelihood depend on companionship prepare themselves for a life of being alone? And I know that everyone will say, you have to learn from this, there is someone, somewhere who will love you unconditionally and so strongly that none of this will matter in the end. Well, the fact is that I do not believe that for a second. Sure there are people who break up, get divorced, and find love again - but no one admits to the fact that there are also a ton of people who never find anyone else! That chance at love was the one, there is not going to be another. Then what?
Sorry for rambling on and on. Hopefully this awful feeling that keeps my appetite at bay will stick around long enough for me to lost some serious pounds in the next month or so. I am consistently between 130.something and 131.something every morning. I plan to start running again tomorrow or Monday, mainly because I know the endorphins help and being lazy disgusts me. I should have been down to 118 ages ago, its embarrassing.
Thank you for checking in on me, those of you who have. And just for kicks, I have a few pictures from the weekend...
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| This was a 3300lb walrus named ET |
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| Sea otters are my absolute favorite |
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| It's only me at the zoo |
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| The full skyline of Seattle, space needle and all... it looks so small from far away! |
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| A view of Seattle from the ferry |
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| Pikes Market |
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| Yarn porn! |
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| The original Starbucks |
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| Pikes Market sign |
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| This was from a beautiful map shop |
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| I asked the barista to give me his best latte art, and he made a little devil on my soy latte |
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| The lovely town of Poulsbo |
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| More Poulsbo |
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| My brother put up with a lot of yarn shopping - this was The Churchmouse in Bainsbridge, WA |
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| Bainsbridge |
Away for the weekend
I have a pile of schoolwork to plow through and back-to-back classes this afternoon/evening before I go, but I am setting off for Seattle tomorrow afternoon.
Still no word on if Juan is truly planning to come to the airport - I expect not. He still has not mailed me my belongings, after a month of being apart. I sent his straight away, the first week that we broke up. How is it so hard to be unable to find the time to do this? It is so emotionally manipulative, though I am doubtful he is doing it on purpose, since he is being the awful, self-absorbed version of the man that I love.
130.2 this morning and hoping that the weekend away will not make me gain. I know we will be going out to eat several times, as is typical with days of sight-seeing, but with any luck I will be able to control myself.
It is 10am and I am still in my pajamas, printing journal articles and working on my case-control study proposal (infectious diseases are incredibly interesting, but be sure not to get any of them!) I needed a morning to relax slightly, as I am feeling very stressed and the semester has only just begun. Between four classes, my research assistantship, my new part time job at the law firm, hopefully another part time job at the yarn store (I have an interview next week!), and trying to fit in a bit of knitting and exercise, my schedule has become quite busy. Sometimes, I feel really anxious and then other times I am mentally fine but get headaches/stomach aches/insanely tired for "no" reason. I just hope I can make it through the semester in one piece and have enough employment to pay my rent this summer.
This was supposed to be a teensy quick post, but it is turning out a little longer than expected. Anyway, today I am going to just keep on with my schoolwork, drink lots of tea and a few cups of coffee, and pack for my weekend trip. I have most of tomorrow to organize as well, as I do not leave until 3:40pm. I had soy yogurt with frozen pineapple and crushed almonds for breakfast, but I doubt I will have much else today. I am too busy and anxious, I think. Tomorrow, I have to eat light, because the cabin pressure tends to give me a tummy ache, so flying on an empty stomach is usually my plan.
Oh, and another thing (sorry for jumping around here) - I am working on a group project this semester about the Female Athlete Triad (disordered eating/menstrual dysfunction/osteoporosis) and have to give a little talk in front of my class about the disordered eating part. I volunteered for it, but oh, the irony.
Thank you for keeping up with my absurd relationship drama and typical complaining about my weight. It really is a comfort to know I am not alone in all of this.
Still no word on if Juan is truly planning to come to the airport - I expect not. He still has not mailed me my belongings, after a month of being apart. I sent his straight away, the first week that we broke up. How is it so hard to be unable to find the time to do this? It is so emotionally manipulative, though I am doubtful he is doing it on purpose, since he is being the awful, self-absorbed version of the man that I love.
130.2 this morning and hoping that the weekend away will not make me gain. I know we will be going out to eat several times, as is typical with days of sight-seeing, but with any luck I will be able to control myself.
It is 10am and I am still in my pajamas, printing journal articles and working on my case-control study proposal (infectious diseases are incredibly interesting, but be sure not to get any of them!) I needed a morning to relax slightly, as I am feeling very stressed and the semester has only just begun. Between four classes, my research assistantship, my new part time job at the law firm, hopefully another part time job at the yarn store (I have an interview next week!), and trying to fit in a bit of knitting and exercise, my schedule has become quite busy. Sometimes, I feel really anxious and then other times I am mentally fine but get headaches/stomach aches/insanely tired for "no" reason. I just hope I can make it through the semester in one piece and have enough employment to pay my rent this summer.
This was supposed to be a teensy quick post, but it is turning out a little longer than expected. Anyway, today I am going to just keep on with my schoolwork, drink lots of tea and a few cups of coffee, and pack for my weekend trip. I have most of tomorrow to organize as well, as I do not leave until 3:40pm. I had soy yogurt with frozen pineapple and crushed almonds for breakfast, but I doubt I will have much else today. I am too busy and anxious, I think. Tomorrow, I have to eat light, because the cabin pressure tends to give me a tummy ache, so flying on an empty stomach is usually my plan.
Oh, and another thing (sorry for jumping around here) - I am working on a group project this semester about the Female Athlete Triad (disordered eating/menstrual dysfunction/osteoporosis) and have to give a little talk in front of my class about the disordered eating part. I volunteered for it, but oh, the irony.
Thank you for keeping up with my absurd relationship drama and typical complaining about my weight. It really is a comfort to know I am not alone in all of this.
Feeling lost
I feel completely lost right now. I have not told anyone because I do not want people to be worried about me. At least I can write it here and know that at the very least one person might read it and send a positive thought or a prayer my way.
Weight wise, I'm sitting between 129-130.something for the past week. I am actually somewhat grateful, considering I have been under some stress and have sort of just been scrounging whatever I can find to eat and neglecting my food journal. I still have seven yoga classes left, which is good, because I have not been running much. I think my body needed a break after running almost daily for 11 months. I am having some odd intercostal chest muscle pain (the muscles in between your ribs) that will not seem to go away. On Sunday, I had a great run - 6.3 miles in 53 min, not too shabby for more than six weeks off. But since then I have not felt in the right place to run. I think I am just going to enjoy what is left of my yoga classes and pick back up with a serious running regimen when I return from my Seattle trip.
I am not sure if I mentioned that around here, but I had a ticket to visit Juan for next weekend, but my younger brother kindly paid for me to change it to come visit him in Seattle (he is in the Navy and stationed there). So, next Friday I leave for a long weekend.
And one more piece of news... Before I go away, I am starting a new job at a law firm in town. It's an office assistant position of 9+ hours per week in the afternoons before I have to be in class. The job is very well matched for my needs, and while I was the last candidate interviewed yesterday, the office manager offered me the position on the spot. I called her a few minutes ago to accept and start next week.
The local yarn store is also looking to hire me, hopefully for a day or two per week or on the weekends. I just need to piece together a few odd jobs and pick up some babysitting to be able to make it through the summer. I finished my first piece for my Etsy store - which once it is truly up and running, I will post the link here in case anyone wants to browse - but have a hat and a little cowl to finish for my brother and mother before I knit more things for the shop. I asked my grandmother to invest in my shop, and she lent me $100 to buy yarn. Hopefully, with my busy school schedule I can find time to do all of this. School is already busier than last semester and my research assistant position is more demanding too.
Sometimes I feel like a chicken running around with my head cut off. I miss feeling secure and like I had someone who I could depend on for absolutely anything.
Weight wise, I'm sitting between 129-130.something for the past week. I am actually somewhat grateful, considering I have been under some stress and have sort of just been scrounging whatever I can find to eat and neglecting my food journal. I still have seven yoga classes left, which is good, because I have not been running much. I think my body needed a break after running almost daily for 11 months. I am having some odd intercostal chest muscle pain (the muscles in between your ribs) that will not seem to go away. On Sunday, I had a great run - 6.3 miles in 53 min, not too shabby for more than six weeks off. But since then I have not felt in the right place to run. I think I am just going to enjoy what is left of my yoga classes and pick back up with a serious running regimen when I return from my Seattle trip.
I am not sure if I mentioned that around here, but I had a ticket to visit Juan for next weekend, but my younger brother kindly paid for me to change it to come visit him in Seattle (he is in the Navy and stationed there). So, next Friday I leave for a long weekend.
And one more piece of news... Before I go away, I am starting a new job at a law firm in town. It's an office assistant position of 9+ hours per week in the afternoons before I have to be in class. The job is very well matched for my needs, and while I was the last candidate interviewed yesterday, the office manager offered me the position on the spot. I called her a few minutes ago to accept and start next week.
The local yarn store is also looking to hire me, hopefully for a day or two per week or on the weekends. I just need to piece together a few odd jobs and pick up some babysitting to be able to make it through the summer. I finished my first piece for my Etsy store - which once it is truly up and running, I will post the link here in case anyone wants to browse - but have a hat and a little cowl to finish for my brother and mother before I knit more things for the shop. I asked my grandmother to invest in my shop, and she lent me $100 to buy yarn. Hopefully, with my busy school schedule I can find time to do all of this. School is already busier than last semester and my research assistant position is more demanding too.
Sometimes I feel like a chicken running around with my head cut off. I miss feeling secure and like I had someone who I could depend on for absolutely anything.
Hello 2012
Sorry for the dramatic tone for my last posts. The last days of 2011 we a complete disaster, to put it simply.
As I mentioned in my last post, I had been counting down the days since September to when I would see Juan again. I wanted to visit him at Thanksgiving, but he thought it was not a good idea because he had to work and I would have to spend so much money on a plane ticket. During the Black Friday sales, we found super-cheap tickets from Washington DC to Los Angeles and we both made our purchases. He was set to arrive on the 30th and leave January 8th. My ticket is for the weekend just before Valentine's Day.
On Wednesday, Juan explained that he had a meeting with his boss and human resources and was unsure of why they needed to meet with him. I assumed he just needed to fill out some paperwork, but late at night I received a cryptic text that said something like "I have great news but I don't know what to do :-/" As you can imagine, I was on edge all the next morning. Finally, I heard from him around two in the afternoon, and he explained that his boss offered him a huge promotion, but in order to take it, he would have to be in Chicago today. We discussed it, and obviously the promotion was the right choice, but that does not mean I was not devastated. Our relationship has been under so much stress lately because of the distance and not seeing each other for so many months. Even now, we still do not have a plan for seeing each other. I am hoping that he calls me tonight and we arrange for me to go out there this weekend and stay for most of the week, even if he has to work. I just miss him so much.
I am terribly afraid that this job is going to make him so busy - he is already consumed with it and barely has time for me - that he won't have time for our relationship at all. And, he was planning to move here this summer, which obviously will not happen, thus not only delaying us being in the same place, but undeniably delaying our engagement. I have this horrible feeling the whole thing will snowball, but I am trying to keep my head above water.
Needless to say, my New Year's Eve (my absolute favorite holiday) was terribly depressing. I cried and watched movies with my cat. I barely moved from the bed to my couch and back again.
Today, I am feeling much better - I went to my first of twenty Bikram yoga sessions with the Groupon Juan bought me for a studio just a few miles from my house. It was insanely intense, hot, and sweaty. Yoga for 90 minutes in a 105 degree room... phew! I have done that kind of yoga, and some others, but never anything this difficult. Even when its over (there is no way I can afford to keep going, as their drop in classes are $18 and the unlimited monthly passes are $125/mo - my 20-class pass was only $40) I hope to keep practicing yoga with youtube videos and such. Tomorrow, I am going to go for my first run in two weeks. Hopefully, it will not be too cold - if so, I need to just suck it up and get my ass in gear. Taking a break was good for me, my leg finally feels normal.
And in relatively good news, I was 130.4 this morning (129.4 after breakfast/hydrating/sweaty yoga!) - my dreaded holiday weight gain already gone. I'm hoping that after that class and eating super clean today (a persimmon and green tea for breakfast, homemade hummus with "low-guilt" tortilla chips for a snack, lunch of a huge salad of romaine, broccoli slaw, roasted peppers, jicama, cucumber, avocado, and snap pea crisps with homemade lemon-tahini dressing, a square of 85% dark chocolate, my new gingerbread coffee, and lots of water) I will be under 130 tomorrow. I need to get into the 120s and stay there once and for all. I feel like my goal is attainable this year - 118. I think I can do it.
How was everyone's holiday? I am so behind on reading and commenting. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave me sweet messages of support and love when I was feeling so devastated. You are all so kind and beautiful. Thank you for understanding.
I think I am going to make my list of resolutions tonight and post about that tomorrow. Anyone else?
As I mentioned in my last post, I had been counting down the days since September to when I would see Juan again. I wanted to visit him at Thanksgiving, but he thought it was not a good idea because he had to work and I would have to spend so much money on a plane ticket. During the Black Friday sales, we found super-cheap tickets from Washington DC to Los Angeles and we both made our purchases. He was set to arrive on the 30th and leave January 8th. My ticket is for the weekend just before Valentine's Day.
On Wednesday, Juan explained that he had a meeting with his boss and human resources and was unsure of why they needed to meet with him. I assumed he just needed to fill out some paperwork, but late at night I received a cryptic text that said something like "I have great news but I don't know what to do :-/" As you can imagine, I was on edge all the next morning. Finally, I heard from him around two in the afternoon, and he explained that his boss offered him a huge promotion, but in order to take it, he would have to be in Chicago today. We discussed it, and obviously the promotion was the right choice, but that does not mean I was not devastated. Our relationship has been under so much stress lately because of the distance and not seeing each other for so many months. Even now, we still do not have a plan for seeing each other. I am hoping that he calls me tonight and we arrange for me to go out there this weekend and stay for most of the week, even if he has to work. I just miss him so much.
I am terribly afraid that this job is going to make him so busy - he is already consumed with it and barely has time for me - that he won't have time for our relationship at all. And, he was planning to move here this summer, which obviously will not happen, thus not only delaying us being in the same place, but undeniably delaying our engagement. I have this horrible feeling the whole thing will snowball, but I am trying to keep my head above water.
Needless to say, my New Year's Eve (my absolute favorite holiday) was terribly depressing. I cried and watched movies with my cat. I barely moved from the bed to my couch and back again.
Today, I am feeling much better - I went to my first of twenty Bikram yoga sessions with the Groupon Juan bought me for a studio just a few miles from my house. It was insanely intense, hot, and sweaty. Yoga for 90 minutes in a 105 degree room... phew! I have done that kind of yoga, and some others, but never anything this difficult. Even when its over (there is no way I can afford to keep going, as their drop in classes are $18 and the unlimited monthly passes are $125/mo - my 20-class pass was only $40) I hope to keep practicing yoga with youtube videos and such. Tomorrow, I am going to go for my first run in two weeks. Hopefully, it will not be too cold - if so, I need to just suck it up and get my ass in gear. Taking a break was good for me, my leg finally feels normal.
And in relatively good news, I was 130.4 this morning (129.4 after breakfast/hydrating/sweaty yoga!) - my dreaded holiday weight gain already gone. I'm hoping that after that class and eating super clean today (a persimmon and green tea for breakfast, homemade hummus with "low-guilt" tortilla chips for a snack, lunch of a huge salad of romaine, broccoli slaw, roasted peppers, jicama, cucumber, avocado, and snap pea crisps with homemade lemon-tahini dressing, a square of 85% dark chocolate, my new gingerbread coffee, and lots of water) I will be under 130 tomorrow. I need to get into the 120s and stay there once and for all. I feel like my goal is attainable this year - 118. I think I can do it.
How was everyone's holiday? I am so behind on reading and commenting. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave me sweet messages of support and love when I was feeling so devastated. You are all so kind and beautiful. Thank you for understanding.
I think I am going to make my list of resolutions tonight and post about that tomorrow. Anyone else?
Still doing ok
130.8 this morning. I cannot wait to see numbers starting with 12 soon.
I am still in the midst of finals, knitting, and dealing with stress from Juan/family/my leg being swollen.
Today I am going to complete my biostatistics final, work on my study guide/flash cards for epidemiology, and have a study break with my friend and go for a run this afternoon. My leg still hurts, but I think it can handle 4-6 miles every other day.
Sorry to be so brief but I have to get back to work.
I hope everyone is doing well. For those of you that are students, the end of the semester is in sight and for most people, the holidays are approaching.
Much love, and thank you, as always, for the support.
I am still in the midst of finals, knitting, and dealing with stress from Juan/family/my leg being swollen.
Today I am going to complete my biostatistics final, work on my study guide/flash cards for epidemiology, and have a study break with my friend and go for a run this afternoon. My leg still hurts, but I think it can handle 4-6 miles every other day.
Sorry to be so brief but I have to get back to work.
I hope everyone is doing well. For those of you that are students, the end of the semester is in sight and for most people, the holidays are approaching.
Much love, and thank you, as always, for the support.
A case of the Mondays
Sorry it has been days since my last post.
On the exercise/eating/weight front, I have been doing my best to keep my calorie counts low and my exertion high. This morning I was 130.8 and was unable to go to the gym because of a 6-inch snowfall. Tomorrow, I am going to go early, run at least a 5k before my class and then sweat it out in my bursting class. Hopefully, by Wednesday I will be just under 130 and feel a bit better about myself.
Today, I had soy yogurt with a kiwi, some strawberries and a sprinkling of rice crispies on top. I snacked on some Trader Joe's peanut butter-filled pretzels, but I've safely stashed them away so they will no longer tempt me. I have go to work soon anyway, and I will just bring my stash of healthy drinks (green tea, water, and a low cal/low sodium instant miso packet). For dinner, I will probably have broccoli slaw or a big bowl of air-popped popcorn.
Yesterday, I spent the entire afternoon picking up a beautiful china cabinet from my godfather and cleaning my room and getting the furniture arranged. I am using the cabinet as my dresser and it is fabulous! It fits all of my clothes, dvds, jewelry box, and toiletry items. Yes, I know it clashes with the wall color, but I plan on re-finishing it this summer and soon I am going to put fabric behind the doors.
On the exercise/eating/weight front, I have been doing my best to keep my calorie counts low and my exertion high. This morning I was 130.8 and was unable to go to the gym because of a 6-inch snowfall. Tomorrow, I am going to go early, run at least a 5k before my class and then sweat it out in my bursting class. Hopefully, by Wednesday I will be just under 130 and feel a bit better about myself.
Today, I had soy yogurt with a kiwi, some strawberries and a sprinkling of rice crispies on top. I snacked on some Trader Joe's peanut butter-filled pretzels, but I've safely stashed them away so they will no longer tempt me. I have go to work soon anyway, and I will just bring my stash of healthy drinks (green tea, water, and a low cal/low sodium instant miso packet). For dinner, I will probably have broccoli slaw or a big bowl of air-popped popcorn.
Yesterday, I spent the entire afternoon picking up a beautiful china cabinet from my godfather and cleaning my room and getting the furniture arranged. I am using the cabinet as my dresser and it is fabulous! It fits all of my clothes, dvds, jewelry box, and toiletry items. Yes, I know it clashes with the wall color, but I plan on re-finishing it this summer and soon I am going to put fabric behind the doors.
I plan on painting it sort of like the dresser on the left and putting fabric like the armoire on the right, if that makes sense...
Now, I am searching for a floor mirror - the kind that swivels on a stand, but clearly I don't have $300 for one... so craigslist, here I come!
Enough of my rambling - I hope everyone had a lovely weekend. Try to fill your tummies with health fruits and vegetables today and keep strong and focused... we can do this together
Thank you
Many many words of thanks, again, for those of you who were kind enough to give me some positive feedback on my hair. I really appreciate it and feel even surer about my decision now :)
I haven't been doing a great job with restricting my calorie intake lately (one good day, two bad days, etc.) but I have still been exercising quite a bit. This morning I warmed up for 15 minutes on the elliptical, took my 45 minute class, and then another 15 minutes on the elliptical - according to my heart monitor I burned 739 calories. I was 130.0 after the gym - oh 129, why must you evade me now?! I'm now eating a healthy brunch of soy yogurt, frozen mango and berries, about six pecans crumbled up and a sprinkling of rice chex. I know it sounds like a lot, but I skipped breakfast and it is mostly fruit.
Both Adeline and Dani have nominated me for the Honest Scrap, so I am trying to come up with 10 interesting things about myself :) Stay tuned for that.
And lastly, I have been knitting quite a bit lately, I have to post photos of the baby things I am making for some friends of mine - a stuffed turtle and two sweaters - and then I am knitting linen placemats for a friend's engagement. I'm a busy little bee... idle hands tend to end up with food in them, now don't they?
Comments and honest scrap nonsense to follow shortly...
P.S. I can't get this song out of my head!
I haven't been doing a great job with restricting my calorie intake lately (one good day, two bad days, etc.) but I have still been exercising quite a bit. This morning I warmed up for 15 minutes on the elliptical, took my 45 minute class, and then another 15 minutes on the elliptical - according to my heart monitor I burned 739 calories. I was 130.0 after the gym - oh 129, why must you evade me now?! I'm now eating a healthy brunch of soy yogurt, frozen mango and berries, about six pecans crumbled up and a sprinkling of rice chex. I know it sounds like a lot, but I skipped breakfast and it is mostly fruit.
Both Adeline and Dani have nominated me for the Honest Scrap, so I am trying to come up with 10 interesting things about myself :) Stay tuned for that.
And lastly, I have been knitting quite a bit lately, I have to post photos of the baby things I am making for some friends of mine - a stuffed turtle and two sweaters - and then I am knitting linen placemats for a friend's engagement. I'm a busy little bee... idle hands tend to end up with food in them, now don't they?
Comments and honest scrap nonsense to follow shortly...
P.S. I can't get this song out of my head!
The end of January
January just flew by for me. Maybe it's because I have been busy with work, going to the gym, and getting my school applications together - with a bit of knitting and cooking in between.
Here's the latest picture of my haircut - I dyed it blonder on Friday night because all of my blondest hair was chopped off :) I have never dyed my hair before and I think it turned out quite well. I am feeling so motivated to get down to my ultimate goal weight now. This hair is pixie-ish and I need to be as teeny tiny as one.
Here's the latest picture of my haircut - I dyed it blonder on Friday night because all of my blondest hair was chopped off :) I have never dyed my hair before and I think it turned out quite well. I am feeling so motivated to get down to my ultimate goal weight now. This hair is pixie-ish and I need to be as teeny tiny as one.
I cannot even begin to express how excited I was to see all of your wonderful comments about my photos! Cinnamon Brown, Adeline, Peridot, Helen, Eloise, Athena, Peridot, Amy, Dani, Zette, Victoria, Nerisaga, DressageWoman, A Quiet Battle, Astrid, Ariana, and 118 of Bust! - thank you all so much for the kind words. I was kind of nervous to cut it but I know I am doing something nice and I feel sort of liberated now! I just need to get down to my goal so I can look spectacular.
I hit the gym this morning and weight 130.4 afterward. I just ran a 5k and did the weight circuit - the Dr. said I am allowed to run three miles every other day, so I started this morning. My foot still hurts, so I definitely cannot run again tomorrow.
I want to be under 130 tomorrow after going to the gym. I can do it and be on my way back down soon. Have a great Monday my little chickadees. Fill your tummies with warm tea and super nutritious, but low in calorie, fruits and veggies. I don't know what I would do without you.
Feeling good
So yesterday was entirely boring and I was completely out of sorts. I never went for my run and spent the entirety of the day moping around. My eating was horrific, as a snacked on sweet popcorn and other unnecessary nonsense throughout the day. I'm not sure what got into me, but I woke up feeling fresh and ready even with the grey skies outside.
I woke early to catch up on some blog reading (now I really need to get back to commenting) and went to church. Since rain was in the forecast, I packed my gym bag in the car and went straight to the wellness center to pound out a few miles on the treadmill before running some errands for my mom. I know I always run faster on the treadmill because of the aided momentum, but I still felt totally kick-ass when I finished 7 miles in a little less than an hour! I've been eating healthy, low calorie food today as well - a Larabar for breakfast (200) and a big salad for lunch with my homemade light vinaigrette, a spoonful of hummus and lots of raw veggies (mushrooms, lettuce, carrots, tomatoes) with a serving of rice crackers on the side (120). Even though my weight was embarrassingly high this morning, I know I worked hard at the gym and will keep my appetite under control today. Tomorrow, I will weigh less. I have to.
On Thursday, I forgot to mention, I met a friend for lunch and went to the optometrist (hooray, I have contacts which allow me to see now!!) at the mall. I bummed around for a bit trying to be judicious with my money but track down a few things I have been seeking out for a while. I managed to find a great black turtleneck at Express (size XS!) for only $15.00... excellent, considering I usually wear my black turtlenecks until they are faded to grey and have holes in them. Additionally, I picked up the perfect black blazer at Ann Taylor (size 0! but only good with light layers underneath), something I have been searching for nearly a year to find. J Crew, of course, tempted me with its sales and I found a snuggly army green mohair pullover (XS) and two tortoiseshell barrettes. Finally, I bought myself Rouge Coco lipstick in Mademoiselle. Completely extravagant, but my father asked me what I wanted for Christmas a while back, and that is what I asked for. Apparently, he went to four different malls trying to track it down and was unable. Instead, he agreed to pay for one of my front tires that needed replacing (still a proper Christmas gift!) and I came out of Christmas Chanel lipstick-less. I have been dying for this lipstick for more than six months, so I treated myself. I hope you all don't think I am terribly spoiled and materialistic. I honestly don't shop in stores that often - I buy most of my clothes second-hand on ebay. Now with my real adult financial responsibilities (car insurance, gym membership, student loans, cell phone, etc.) and a low paying job, I have to use and save my money wisely.
I think I am going to start knitting a baby sweater and bake bread and perhaps something to send to Juan. I am feeling crafty and domestic today. I love making things for people, honestly. I love feeding people (ironic isn't it?) and it is a pure expression of my love. Off I go to the kitchen. I hope everyone has enjoyed their weekend. Start 2011 off with love and cheer, please do not be so hard on yourselves my darlings. You are all beautiful, I promise :)
A nice warm snuggly welcome to my newest followers - who would have ever thought 91 people would be bothering to read what I write! Thank you :)
I decided I am feeling very inspired to fast tomorrow. I really need to get through a few good days of fasting in order to cleanse this holiday out of my system. Tea, water, seltzer and a piece of fruit if I feel faint. Anyone other takers?
I woke early to catch up on some blog reading (now I really need to get back to commenting) and went to church. Since rain was in the forecast, I packed my gym bag in the car and went straight to the wellness center to pound out a few miles on the treadmill before running some errands for my mom. I know I always run faster on the treadmill because of the aided momentum, but I still felt totally kick-ass when I finished 7 miles in a little less than an hour! I've been eating healthy, low calorie food today as well - a Larabar for breakfast (200) and a big salad for lunch with my homemade light vinaigrette, a spoonful of hummus and lots of raw veggies (mushrooms, lettuce, carrots, tomatoes) with a serving of rice crackers on the side (120). Even though my weight was embarrassingly high this morning, I know I worked hard at the gym and will keep my appetite under control today. Tomorrow, I will weigh less. I have to.
On Thursday, I forgot to mention, I met a friend for lunch and went to the optometrist (hooray, I have contacts which allow me to see now!!) at the mall. I bummed around for a bit trying to be judicious with my money but track down a few things I have been seeking out for a while. I managed to find a great black turtleneck at Express (size XS!) for only $15.00... excellent, considering I usually wear my black turtlenecks until they are faded to grey and have holes in them. Additionally, I picked up the perfect black blazer at Ann Taylor (size 0! but only good with light layers underneath), something I have been searching for nearly a year to find. J Crew, of course, tempted me with its sales and I found a snuggly army green mohair pullover (XS) and two tortoiseshell barrettes. Finally, I bought myself Rouge Coco lipstick in Mademoiselle. Completely extravagant, but my father asked me what I wanted for Christmas a while back, and that is what I asked for. Apparently, he went to four different malls trying to track it down and was unable. Instead, he agreed to pay for one of my front tires that needed replacing (still a proper Christmas gift!) and I came out of Christmas Chanel lipstick-less. I have been dying for this lipstick for more than six months, so I treated myself. I hope you all don't think I am terribly spoiled and materialistic. I honestly don't shop in stores that often - I buy most of my clothes second-hand on ebay. Now with my real adult financial responsibilities (car insurance, gym membership, student loans, cell phone, etc.) and a low paying job, I have to use and save my money wisely.
I think I am going to start knitting a baby sweater and bake bread and perhaps something to send to Juan. I am feeling crafty and domestic today. I love making things for people, honestly. I love feeding people (ironic isn't it?) and it is a pure expression of my love. Off I go to the kitchen. I hope everyone has enjoyed their weekend. Start 2011 off with love and cheer, please do not be so hard on yourselves my darlings. You are all beautiful, I promise :)
A nice warm snuggly welcome to my newest followers - who would have ever thought 91 people would be bothering to read what I write! Thank you :)
.........................................
I decided I am feeling very inspired to fast tomorrow. I really need to get through a few good days of fasting in order to cleanse this holiday out of my system. Tea, water, seltzer and a piece of fruit if I feel faint. Anyone other takers?
2011 Resolutions
Just a quick little post. I hope you all rang in the new year with your loved ones and a bit of Champagne. I was barely awake texting Juan who is currently in Mexico visiting family. Ironically, for a person who loves the beginning of a new year, I am feeling terribly unmotivated right now. I slept in until 9am for the first time in ages and I really just need to get dressed and get out for a run. I know I will feel much better afterward. I think a good breakfast should help too. I'm in the mood for oatmeal with banana - I always make 1/3 cup with water and usually add a few pieces of banana and if I'm feeling adventurous, a teaspoon of peanut butter. Oatmeal is one of the few foods I do not feel guilty eating - I know that is is healthy and good fuel for me, even when I am trying to hardly eat anything. Balancing restricting and exercise can be really hard, because you cannot train as well without fuel, but I always feel that every calorie I consume is making me gain weight. That reminds me, I am really enjoying my new exercise class, but I am also nervous about gaining. Obviously, the class will help me tone, but muscle is heavy and I really want to lose another 10+ pounds. (Ok, now that I've written this, I can't finish my oatmeal... I suppose that is a good thing)
Here are my 2011 resolutions. They are generally listed in order of importance. Meaning, the most important ones are to get under 120 pounds (seemingly impossible now that I have gained 3-4 pounds back and am hovering between 129 and 130) and have a teeny tiny slim waist.
- <24 inch waist
- <120 pounds
- Run one 5k, one 10k, and one Half Marathon
- Be a stricter vegan – no cheating, especially for chocolate!
- Take great photos to frame
- Complete two unfinished knitting projects
- Learn to cook Mexican food
- Knit something for Dr. Park’s baby, Dulce’s baby, and a hat for Pauline
- Bake bread at least two times per month
- Go back to France
- Make curtains for my windows and closets
- Buy and refinish at least one piece of vintage furniture
- Send more packages to Pauline
- Drink real Champagne
- Go to the opera
- See a new movie at least once a month
- Embroider something or learn calligraphy
- Donate my hair
I'm back
Bonjour mes amies!
First, the bad news... after four days of eating with reckless abandon, I weighed at my highest in weeks at a whopping 130.6 this morning. Of course, I cried afterward. I have to work so freaking hard this week to make up for my insane slacking. Tomorrow, I have my OB/GYN appointment and I wanted to weigh 128 with clothes on. I seriously doubt that is going to happen. I had a rice cake for breakfast, a salad with hummus and a grapefruit on it for lunch, and I'll likely skip dinner and just hydrate. I might take a laxative tea before bed tonight and I ran 6 miles today and will run at least three in the morning before my appointment. That reminds me, I have to look back through my comments, but someone asked me about how I figure out my running route mileage. I use MapMyRun all the time.
First, the bad news... after four days of eating with reckless abandon, I weighed at my highest in weeks at a whopping 130.6 this morning. Of course, I cried afterward. I have to work so freaking hard this week to make up for my insane slacking. Tomorrow, I have my OB/GYN appointment and I wanted to weigh 128 with clothes on. I seriously doubt that is going to happen. I had a rice cake for breakfast, a salad with hummus and a grapefruit on it for lunch, and I'll likely skip dinner and just hydrate. I might take a laxative tea before bed tonight and I ran 6 miles today and will run at least three in the morning before my appointment. That reminds me, I have to look back through my comments, but someone asked me about how I figure out my running route mileage. I use MapMyRun all the time.
Stay strong my darlings... any bit of encouragement would be greatly appreciated right now - I feel overwhelmed and taken over by these extra pounds hanging parasitically on my body...
Way too kind
Thank you, my loveliest of lovely ladies for all of the kind words on yesterday's post. Everyone had such nice things to say and it warms my little heart :)
I am still a little down about hitting some kind of plateau here, because I keep fluctuating between 129.something and 130.something every day. Today, 130.6. Ugh. I think I am going to possibly adjust my goal weight day, if by the end of the week I am not down to 128.
No running today - it's raining, raining, raining. I actually feel pretty lousy anyway, because I have cramps, even though it's not the right time for that.
I had coffee and a rice cake with one tablespoon almond butter and a bit of jam (45+90+20+20 = 175) for breakfast. Then, I just made lunch, and decided to make it my dinner meal, so I had veggie/tofu fajitas. According to the package, if made with chicken, one two-tortilla serving is 340 calories. I am going to assume my tofu version was about that or less. So, that puts me at 515 so far for today. A good place to stop, I think.
Hmmmm, the sweater is nearly finished! I will take photos as soon as it is done, I promise.
I also bought a super sexy pair of boots today :) I have been eyeing them for ages and this morning a 20% off coupon popped into my email. I took it as a sign.
I might bake cupcakes today, for my family and brother. If so, I will have one, only one. I have to stop eating so much.
I took a few more photos this morning... should I put them up?
No sunshine today
Yesterday was a pretty good day, since I ran four miles with my dog Lucy and managed to see 129.8 on the scale (breaking 130 for real seems to still elude me).
Then, today, I am a full pound heavier. Seeing that on the scale honestly ruins my entire day. To make matters worse, taking car of my mom after her surgery is turning out to be pretty difficult, I'm struggling with the writing I have to do for this application, and Juan and I had a fight this morning. I was going to take Lucy for a run again, but not I'm just crying and do not want to go out. I ran Thursday, Friday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday this week, so I think it is ok to take today off. I know I deserve the punishment for being so fat, but my heart just isn't in it this morning.
Fighting with Juan just makes me feel so cold inside. He never gets angry, and he was angry at me today - over something kind of insignificant. I suppose I won't eat anything though.
Another day
130.0. I am still totally unsatisfied. I need to step it up, because now I only have 16 days to lose five pounds.
Tomorrow, I am hoping to be under 130. I ran 3.5 miles this morning and had a salad for breakfast (arugula, baby romaine, 5 Morningstar Chik'n strips, 1 small granny smith apple, roaster red pepper slices, sunflower kernels and home-made vinaigrette) with a glass of cider. After that, the only things I have had are some cookie dough (I baked for a friend - that story is coming momentarily) and pomegranate seeds. I am going to weigh myself before I go to work in a bit to see where I am right now.
I know I mentioned my friend who was going to buy me a pair of shoes. Long story short, he did buy them and he's mailing them tomorrow I think. Anyway, he ran the NYC ING Marathno on Sunday - his first marathon ever - and finished 26th! 2:26:39!!! I am so incredibly proud of him and I baked him cookies since I cannot congratulate him in person. That is insane, and it makes me feel like such a slacker that I can barely run four 10-minute miles.
Tonight, I have to finish my personal statement after work. I need to get this Columbia application FINISHED.
Not good.
I had a terrible day, eating wise.
Rice cakes for breakfast (fine), pomegranate seeds (great), home-made pumpkin spice latte (fine), and then it went downhill. One of our tech reps brought Olive Garden soup, salad, and breadsticks. The soups were either meaty or creamy, so I skipped and had salad. Sounds ok, but I has three pepperoncinis a few olives, light dressing on it, and then TWO breadsticks on which I put olive hummus. Then, I proceeded to snack on candy all day. To make matters worse, I got home from work, made a salad (arugula, three sundried tomatoes, Morningstar chick'n strips, vinegar) and ate the last of the loaf of bread. MORE BREAD?! UGH!!!
I had LAci-le-Beau tea before bed so that I would empty everything this morning but my weight soared back up to 130.4. Disgusting. I know much of that is salt/water retention, but it is still horrific.
To make matters worse, it is raining today, which means no run. And, my mom had knee replacement surgery yesterday and is trying to keep comfortable on the couch in the room where our treadmill lives. FML.
Nothing but liquids today - sounds like a perfect idea.
I finally started my school applications yesterday. Columbia's deadline is magically December 1st, which makes my life more difficult, since that is terribly short notice for writing letters of recommendation. I have to just buckle down and get that application written. I really am not a last-minute kind of person, but it is what it is.
Have a better day than I am, please.
Holding steady
I have been 130.4 two days in a row. I want to keep losing, of course, but at least I know getting to 130 was not a fluke.
I skipped breakfast today, had a large mug of spiced hot cider (probably a lot of sugar calories), a roasted beet salad (no cheese or creamy dressing - just spinach, vinaigrette and a sprinkling of walnuts), two small slices of homemade soda bread (the nub of the loaf - legitimately small), and a small apple. I am drinking green tea chai with a splash of almond milk right now. I am hoping that this low calorie day will help me be even smaller tomorrow.
No run yesterday or today, I had errands to tend to with my mom, and I just did not get to it, unfortunately.
So, good news - I am making fabulous progress on Juan's sweater and I am completely psyched! I also signed up for a 5k on Thanksgiving, so now I have to make sure I can crank out 3.1 miles in way under 30 minutes. And, the most exciting thing so far... my clothes are obviously getting too big for me. Yesterday, my mom and I went shopping for a bit and I bought two pairs of pants. The jeans I bought from Banana Republic were a size 26/2R, and the corduroys from J Crew a 27 (which they equate to a 2). I also bought a gorgeous, but unnecessary, dress from J Crew in a 0, and it's even roomy. I am 100% sure both of these stores vanity size, because there is no way I would fit in a designer 4, let alone a 2, but pulling on those jeans made me so freaking happy yesterday. If you're wondering how that's even possible, remember, I am 5'7.5", 130ish pounds, and around a 34-25.5-36.5. I am aiming to lose at least another inch and a half from my waist.
Tonight, I am going out after work with my coworkers, so I am going to have one glass of wine. I have to be good, because I am going to bake cupcakes tomorrow and probably be out all day on Sunday, and I have to allot for extra calories.
I hope you are all thinking of the things you like about yourselves and that you have lovely weekends (unlike me, who has to work!)
Oh, one last thing - yesterday, Juan asked me, when I told him I needed new pants because my old ones didn't fit "You're not bulimic, are you?" (not that I haven't had my moments, but no, I'm not) AND my friend Erin asked, jokingly, when I told her the same thing (she asked me if my pants were new - we see each other every day, she'd notice that sort of thing) "Sarah, you don't have an eating disorder do you?" Kind of spooky.
So close I can taste it
Oh, the irony of that phrase.
130.8 this morning. That is less than one whole pound to go before I have reached my first true goal (and New Year's Resolution goal).
I know one hundred and thirty pounds is still massive compared to all of you beautiful skinny ladies out there, but it is a small achievement for me and I am thrilled.
The concert last night was awesome. It turns out that Johnny Flynn is completely socially awkward (we talked to him before the show) but still charming. My friends think he is amazingly gorgeous - I will admit he is handsome, but he is 27 and I think he looks about 18. Unfortunately, we did not get to go to the Anthropologie flagship store because of time constraints. I was just as excited about that as I was about the concert, so my friend Erin and I are planning to drive back down there next Sunday.
I received such positive feedback on the sweater! I am going to search for yarn tomorrow. I found a few yarns online that are possibilities, but I need to see some things in person. Charcoal or chocolate tweed, wool blend, preferably with a bit of silk. I hope I can find it for under $100.
I slept in big time today, so I skipped my run. Tsk tsk. Tomorrow, I will be up bright and early to get my bum out the door.
Still sipping on chai :)
Have a lovely day everyone.
Moi
- désespérée de maigrir
- I hate: my weight. I love: being a vegetarian, France, tulips & poppies, anything by Paul Coehlo, baby animals, gin, knitting, dresses, kirs, cake decorating, Johnny Swim & Matt Nathanson, running, Casablanca, my best friends and family, and an amazing French man who makes everything in this world so much easier to take on