Waves of emotion

The past few days in a row have felt so.... off.  I feel like I am crashing into waves of happiness/sadness/anxiety over and over again.  Fortunately, none of them are very extreme.  They do, however, make me isolate myself a bit.  Basically, if I am not in class or at work, I stay home and barely talk to anyone except for when my mom calls.

I finally received my box with my belongings in it from Juan.  He forgot my Mad Men dvds but I now have a proper comforter on my bed.  He included my Christmas gift - a set of Le Creuset mugs - and gifts for my parents.  No note or anything like that. It was simply a sad experience opening it, as it sort of signifies that our relationship is really over.

As for everything else - I ran a few times this week, but I am still not totally back in the swing of things.  My 10 mile race is on the 1st of April.  Fortunately, I think my "base" fitness is still around 6-7 miles, so I physically can run 10 if I want to.  I may run them quite slowly, but I will be able to run them.  I have not been able to re-adopt my schedule from last semester or waking up around 7:30, spending an hour or so reading blogs and catching up on emails, and then going for a nice run.  These days, I am sleeping horribly and barely manage to get out of bed before nine - which is unheard of for me.  This morning, I was ready to wake up and hit the pavement, but I slept totally strangely and have acute neck pain. (Like this)  I am going to take some anti-inflammatories and get a heat patch so that by the end of my day at work, I can at least go for a short run.

Eating has been all over the place this week.  My weight is completely stable 130.something every day.  But yesterday, I went to Target in search of a replacement dress (strangely I was wearing the same dress both times that Juan broke up with me, so I gave it to my mother to sell on eBay, but I really loved the dress!) and looked horrific in everything in the dressing room.  I always refer to my arms as "ham arms" - they are just huge for no good reason.  Even at my thinnest, they are still gigantic.  I need to really work harder this weekend and in the next several weeks to get my eating under control (read: eat less!) so I can start losing again.  I know it will make me feel better, so why is my behavior so contrary?  At least it is still cool enough to wear long sleeves, so I can cover them up.  Maybe at 118 they will finally be acceptable?

How is everyone doing?  I know Lou is having a bit of a rough time with her move, so please pop over there to say hello and leave some words of encouragement.  My darling Eloise could also use some positivity, so pay her a visit too - she is a great person and deserves all of our love (I sent her a package last week, hopefully it will arrive soon!).  Obviously there are dozens of others who need support and love every day, but please send Piggy (who isn't a Piggy at all!) some caring words too.

I see that Mich and Jéanne have also received some mail from me, and Peri's and Adeline's should be arriving next week sometime.  Isobel and Miranda, I would be happy to send something your way too, if you can get me your addresses.

Oh, one last thing - my sort of exciting-ish news... I registered for my first marathon!  It's going to take a lot of work to train for it, but I think it will help put my head in a better place, since I have a clear goal to work toward.


Adeline said...

Darling, thank you so much for posting regularly and letting us all know how things are going for you. I know that I would be so worried about you if I hadn't heard anything.

You are being so strong through this and as always are a complete inspiration. Congratulations for signing up to the marathon! I agree entirely, to have something to train for will do wonders for your well being.

I can't believe that through all of this you have still managed to send me something - you've really no idea how much that means to me.

Thinking of you all the time and sending you love from across the world,
Adeline xx

Miranda said...

Glad you finally got your stuff. One step towards closure. It has to be so hard to have a break up over a distance without getting to see the person that final time etc. It will get better though...you already seem to be dealing a bit better. Good luck with the running.

Elena said...


I've been lurking for a little while now, but I really adore your blog. It's so sweet and sad and well-designed. I'm sorry you've been having a rough time lately. Please remember to treat yourself well, take time for relaxing activities and make sure you speak to yourself gently - I highly, highly doubt you have "ham arms".

I admire you for signing up for the marathon, and I wish you the best of luck in training and running it.

All my luck,


Mich said...

I'm glad you finally got your stuff back.

I've stalked all your photos on Facebook and you definitely DO NOT have ham arms. I know the feeling though--I HATE my arms and I feel like they're so embarrassingly enormous I shouldn't even go out in public EVER. I guess maybe we all have that one body part that we hate most?

Hope you're having a good week! I'm still putting your package together; hopefully you'll get it before St. Paddy's day... Idk tho, the Universe has been conspiring against me in all ways. But either way, you will get a package at some point in the future. ;)



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