Another good morning

Woke up this morning around 7:30, took an online quiz for my epidemiology course, put on my new Lululemon shorts (via ebay at a decent discount) and hit the pavement for a nice six miles.  The wind was really strong but the sun was shining, the sky blue, and the temperature perfect.  I hopped on the scale after my run to see 133.6.  Granted, that's my dehydrated weight, so I probably am really sitting at about 134.6-8.  Regardless, I am thrilled.  Even though it's still too high, I'm ready to see that number keep falling.

For breakfast, 3T steel cut oats, 1T cranberries, 2T hazelnuts, and a splash of soy creamer.  Not sure of the calories, but I know I burned about 650-700 on my run this morning according to my heart monitor, and I know my breakfast was not even close to that much.  Afterward I rehydrated with 1/2 glass of coconut water ~45 calories and water.  I'm feeling good about today.  Maybe the weather change is making me want to just drinking more tea and coffee and just not eat so much?  I always have trouble losing weight in the summer, but find myself more focused in the fall/winter/spring.  I have no idea why that makes any sense.

Thank you so much for all of the compliments on my hair!  It is just a fun change.  I will rock it for a bit and then I will be happy to be back to my sunny blonde locks.

I made Juan some "mounds" bars last night.  I had one - they are delicious... a mixture of coconut, brown rice syrup, powdered sugar, vanilla, organic coconut-oil-based shortening all coated in chocolate.  I got the recipe from Babycakes Covers the Classics.  I checked out a bunch of gluten-free, vegan cookbooks from the county library a while back because I am trying very hard to avoid wheat, since it makes me feel really sluggish and gives me a tummy ache.  I have been doing very well lately - no wheat, dairy, eggs, meat, and generally animal derivatives, like gelatin - with the exception of honey - in my diet makes me feel so much better, is better for the environment, and prevents me from loading up on bad-for-you foods. While it may not be easy at first and my not work for everyone, it works wonderfully for me.

I hope everyone is having a good week.  Today is a low-key day for me... no class until 4:30, then Grey's Anatomy (yes I still watch it! It is the only show I watch) is on tonight.  Tomorrow, I am meeting my friend in the city and we will run an easy four or five miles around the national mall (for those of you know know nothing about Washington, DC, the national mall is basically this biiiiiig lawn that stretches from the Capitol building - where the congress meets - to the Lincoln memorial).  Then, I have a biostatistics test tomorrow night at 7pm.  I really think it will not be too hard.  I had a study group yesterday and I seem to understand the material.  I just hope my teacher based the test mostly off of the lecture and homework material and not the other parts of the chapters that we did not discuss in class.

Oh, I am fairly certain my brother is shipping off tonight.  He is in the Navy and will be on a submarine.  He cannot say exactly when he is leaving and I have no idea where he will go, but I will not hear from him until January.  Say a little prayer for him, if you believe in it.

Alright, I am rambling.  I think I need to make some goals for the rest of the year.  I need to start thinking about Christmas presents too.  Running, studying, and knitting need to be my top three priorities.

Have a lovely day.  Thanks for reading my crazy rambles!

Busy

Still hovering around 137.  Ridiculous.

Ran four miles Saturday, six on Sunday, and four more this morning.  I need to budget my time a bit better, get my bum out of bed before 7:30 and up my mileage.

I think only have breakfast, a snack, and coffee sounds like a great idea for today.  If I keep that up, I'll be 135 by the end of the week.

I have a ton of schoolwork to get done in the next few days (10-15 page SINGLE-SPACED report on health in Lebanon, biostatistics homework from three chapters, reading/study guides/quiz/case study for epidemiology) since I am going home on Saturday morning.  That also means, I need to run tomorrow afternoon, Thursday/Friday mornings, Sunday morning, and possibly Monday afternoon if I can squeeze it in.

I am so tired of being fat.

I cried most of the day on Saturday because I am so large. I cried in the shower yesterday as I grabbed the excess flesh on my stomach and thighs. I need to be under 120 pounds.  I keep saying it, but I'm not doing anything - which is extra pathetic, because this time last year, I was quickly creeping down to 128.

Gross

I skipped lunch yesterday but overindluged at dinner (a friend took me out as a belated birthday present).

My weight was horrific this morning.

I struggled to finish my two pieces of toast with a bit of jam.  220 calories, including almond milk in my coffee.

No running today/tomorrow/possibly Thursday.  I cut my foot/my achilles tendons are on the verge of inflamed and I have to work from 9-5 in DC tomorrow and Thursday.  If they're better in the morning, I'll run tomorrow and Thursday evenings instead.

I know I already know the answer to this, since it is entirely my fault, but why am I so fat?

This is going to be my autumn.  I have to do this.

118.  Someday.

I can hardly believe it is October already

As is customary after a bit of an absence, I offer my apologies for not writing when I should be.  I am finally feeling settled in school and in my new neighborhood, so I think I will have more time for writing in the next few months before the semester ends.

I think I left off just a day after the half-marathon with a brief posting of my time.  Well, the race went wonderfully.  Apparently, people clocked the distance on their Garmins as being about a quarter-mile longer than 13.1 - in that case, I may have actually finished in just under two hours, which was my goal.  In the days since, I have been running, but not training (meaning, I need to sign up for another race so I don't get lazy), burying myself in schoolwork, the fourth season of Mad Men, and too much eating.  

Unsurprisingly, my weight is still hovering between 136-137.  Too. Damn. Much.  I think my newest plan - besides shunning carbs as a food-group - will be to skip one meal per day.  I normally do not advocate such a thing, unless one is fasting, but desperate times call for desperate measures.  I am also going to try and have a cup of tea before my two meals of the day in order to try and truly assess my appetite and hopefully fill me up beforehand. 

Today I have already consumed far more than necessary - a smoothie with half a banana, mango chunks, and equal splashes (1/4 cup each) of vegetable/fruit juice, almond milk, and unsweetened soy yogurt, a slice of homemade vegan, gluten-free pumpkin ginger bread, six almonds, and with my mid-morning tea, a four tea-biscuits (130 calories for the four).

I know that we are often always setting and not reaching goals in this community, but I am feeling particularly determined right now, and with the beginning of a new season, I think I can truly do this.  The pressure of school is going to make me stressed (in a good, appetite-suppressing way) and the weather will be absolutely perfect for logging many miles through the falling leaves.  I will eat more elegantly and sparingly - enough to let my body rid itself of all of the excess fat while still having the energy to run and write papers.  I am going to be faster, leaner, and more beautiful.  I want my arms, back, abs, and legs to be nothing but lean muscle, I've had enough cushion.

How are you ladies feeling about fall?  I think the cold weather we are experiencing right now will pass by the end of the week, but I love being able to hide in sweaters and tights and boots.  Being bundled means people can imagine you thinner underneath - or at least that's what I hope.

I have been reading all of my subscriptions this week, but I am terribly behind on commenting.  Thank you so much for the positive responses regarding my race.  I hope at least one person is motivated to run.  It is cheap, you can do it anywhere, it fills you with endorphins, allows you to escape, and there really is no wrong way.  You might be fast, you might be slow, but if you run - you're a runner.

I found these lovely photos on The Sartorialist this week - totally in love...

 

Perspective and a plan

To begin, a short list of the things I am proud of right now:

1.  Last week I ran 4 miles Monday, 8.5 Wednesday, 3 (plus 2 walking) Saturday, 5 yesterday, and 4 (plus 2 walking) today.  In addition, I have been doing a lot of walking - I park my car about a mile from campus and sometimes have to walk an additional quarter to half mile across campus.
2. I painted my lamp and standing mirror.  The lamp is now a leaf-green to match the lampshade I purchased at IKEA and the mirror is blue.  I am not totally happy with the mirror, so I may rub a darker paint (either darker blue or black) over it to tone it down.  (I may eventually get around to taking a few photos)
3. My first week of classes went smoothly.  Global health, health promotions, intro to epidemiology, intro to biostatistics - I arrived on time and the syllabi lead me to believe I'll be able to handle this semester without too much stress.
4. My apartment looks quite cute and my housemates are really sweet.  Basically, my living situation couldn't be better.  What a relief, especially since my situation in San Diego was so awful.

And the bad news:

1. My weight is horrific.  Each day I range somewhere between 136 and 138.  After eating a salty, wheat-filled pretzel last night, I was 139 before my run today.
2. I have a terrible stomach ache, and if that isn't a sign to not eat, I don't know what is.  I had a bit of unsweetened soy yogurt for breakfast, and I may have some toast later. 
3. Juan is not coming this weekend for my birthday (the 9th).  I sort of knew this would happen, and the only upside is that he may come next weekend, and in that case I have a little more time to try and get my body to be less gross.
4. I have been eating practically non-stop, since my loans came through and I was able to afford some groceries.  That led to an exploratory trip to whole foods.  This has led to polenta and vegan cheese and other fattening foods.  I need to stick to salad and stop being so gluttonous.
5. Cellulite, stretch marks, and no thigh gap.  Still.

Now that I have that out of the way, let me work on my schedule.  The basic facts are that I have class on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday from 4:30 to 7:10 and Friday from 7:20-10:00.  Commuting to school takes approximately thirty-five minutes if I take the bus or drive a bit and walk.  I have a lot of reading to do, which could add up to at least three hours per day, and I also have written assignments and research.  Last week was only the beginning, so I do not know how much time to really allot for this yet.  My roommates like to go out on Fridays and/or Saturdays.  Next week is also my birthday.  Therefore, I have to plan in my schedule/meal plans for the consumption of alcohol from time-to-time.  They are really nice and it is good to be making friends.  

And then there is eating.  

As some of you know, I love to cook and bake.  I am always checking out cookbooks from the library and am fairly obsessed with the vegan blogging world.  Additionally, I love trying new foods and in general, eating.  Yet, I hate what food does to my body.  I simply have the constitution that if I look at a cookie, I gain three pounds.  I see food as not so much nourishing, but combative to my system (I don't tolerate wheat or dairy well, hence the generally gluten-free, vegan diet).  I hope that someday my attitude toward food and my body will be much more normal, but right now I am just not there.  

I think I need to start cutting out more foods - specifically nuts.  Cutting down my fat intake from nut butters and nuts will certainly decrease my protein intake, but I am not strength training right now, so I think it will be okay.  I also need to have more rigidly set menus for the day.  I want to restrict my calories to under 1000, and the only wait to do that is to have a daily recipe - basically a combination of meals that I can eat that I know will get me under my goal.  For example, breakfast can be either soy yogurt with frozen fruit, oatmeal, or a smoothie (200 calories max).  Lunch should be my heartiest meal, so I will have to look into my choices for that one - basically veggies, a whole grain, maybe a protein and a serving of fruit (400 calories max).  Dinner should be strictly salads - all vegetables with a splash of vinegar or lemon juice and herbs (300 calories max).  Then I have 100 calories to be able to have another piece of fruit, a soy cappuccino, etc.  Caffeine is essential for getting me through afternoon/evening classes, but green tea is preferred to coffee. 

Alright, I think I am finally running out of words and I need to just ruminate on all of this.

Final thoughts - under 1000, running minimum of five days per week (I am still training for my half-marathon on the 25th) with a preference of six days, organizing my schoolwork and time in order to maximize my efficiency and minimize snacking... 

Any thoughts and comments will be greatly appreciated.  I am quite grateful for your comments on the last one.  I will write some replies tonight.

Training week two

I will be through with my second week of half-marathon training tomorrow.  I find it very strange that on this training plan, I am actually exercising quite a bit less than I was before hand.  This week was three easy miles on Monday, my bursting class on Tuesday, four easy miles on Wednesday, bursting Thursday, rest yesterday, three easy miles today and five tomorrow.  Unfortunately, this abominable heat makes me want to do nothing, but I got up early to get in my run this morning.  Yesterday, it was 106 degrees at my house... in the shade...  I spent the day with my friend Kathryn, the one who is engaged and in whose wedding I am set to be a bridesmaid next summer (maybe I haven't mentioned her on here before, but anyway).  She has a lovely pool, and even though I was of course feeling super self-conscious, I put on my bikini and swam in the pool and spread out in the sun.  Luckily, I did not get a bit of sunburn and actually tanned slightly.  My calories for the day totaled somewhere just around 1,000.  Obviously I feel like that is too much, but I know it is actually still too little.

My calorie tracker is really helpful.  I can input my exercise and intake so easily, and I know this is going to help me.  Today I made a smoothie and had a mid-morning snack of almonds and I am just under 300 calories so far.  I am going to eat something very small, under 200, for lunch in case I want to have a glass of wine tonight.  My college roommate is getting married on the 14th (hence the dress I am trying to fit into - which miraculously, although I may be delusional, I think fit slightly better this morning) and her bridesmaids took her to a cabin resort in the Poconos for the weekend.  I live just over the river in NJ, so my other roommate from college is meeting me here in a bit and we'll drive out there for the afternoon.  I am not sure what the food and drink situation will be for tonight, so I need to keep it minimal for lunch.  I also think I may have to be in my bathing suit again, so I want to try and look at least halfway decent.

As for my big news, still not quite ready to reveal yet.  Mich, since we are friends on FB, if you look on my wall just over the past week, I know I mentioned it there - if you happen to be that curious.  Otherwise, hopefully I can tell everyone next week.

I hope everyone is having a lovely weekend, and for those of you in the States, stay out of the heat and drink plenty of water!!!

I have been hovering between 134-136 for weeks now.  Even if I have a few great days of clean, minimal eating, I lose nothing.

Today, I am cracking down, because now the wedding is only three weeks away.  My breakfast, after a 4.2 mile, super humid run was a smoothie made of one banana, mango, 1/2 cup light soymilk, 2 teaspoons flax meal, ice and water.  For a mid-morning snack (which will be my lunch, really) I had one serving of almonds.  That totals 430 calories so far.  I downloaded the app from calorie counter at about.com, which I have been using for years already.  The last weight I put in there was one the 21st of April, and though it was probably after my run, I entered 131.8.  What has happened to me???

I have relatively big (not weight or relationship related) news to announce, hopefully by the end of this week.  

Have a great day ladies, stay strong, make good, healthy, skinny choices.

Ehh

I had a pretty great day yesterday - managed to be 131.4 after the gym (ran for 15 minutes and then took back-to-back classes).  I ate a small bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, brussel sprouts for lunch, and then I was foiled!  The coaches wanted to go out for dinner and I ordered a veggie burger.  I ended up eating the whole thing, including all of my sweet potato fries.  Serves me right, this morning I was back up to 133.6 after my 5 mile run.

Today I am eating nice and clean - oatmeal for breakfast (150 cals of oatmeal, 20 of soymilk, and 50 of dried cherries - 220), and a snack of Better'n Peanut butter (100)... sticking to fruit and vegetables for the rest of the day.

I have such a warped view of myself.  The other night I was horribly upset after just having a good-old-fashioned bad day.  I cried when I looked at myself in my underwear in the mirror.  I want my legs to be so much thinner.  I want my arms to be skinny and muscular.  My stomach looks ok about 25% of the time.  And yet, people tell me I am thin and beautiful.  I wear a anywhere from a size 2-4 (occasionally a 6 depending on how the sizes run).  35-25.5-37.  I don't see it at all.  I want to weigh at least 120 or less so that I can run fast and wear anything.  I do want to be healthy, but the weight just won't come off the way I keep eating.  I haven't posted progress photos because I am embarrassed and I don't have a camera.

This week, I have to look into buying a camera - I want an Olympus PEN but I'm not sure if I can afford one.  I also need to work on my knitting.  Annnnd kick my own ass at the gym several times and finally, finally, finally get back to 130 (which I have been talking about for weeks.

I made a tumblr but I'm not totally sure what to do with it yet.

I promise I am trying to be healthy.  It just doesn't seem to be working that well.  I want to be thin AND healthy but they always seem to be diametrically opposed in my life.

Challenge Results?

If you could call them results...

Friday - Day 1 - 60 points (Ran 6 miles, drank a TON of water, I always sleep 8+ hours, but went over 1,000 calories)

Saturday - Day 2 - 60 points (Walked my dogs for nearly two hours, also hit the water requirement, 8 hours sleep, fine all day calorie-wise until Saturday night)

Sunday - Day 3 - 70 points (4.85 mile run, stretching, abs, plenty of water, plenty of sleep, and somewhere in the realm of 950 calories)

My goals last week were as follows


1. Record absolutely everything I eat.  I always eat so much less when I have to be accountable for it.
2. Exercise every day (Not unusual, but I am going to skip my rest day this week).
3. Not go above 1000 calories.
4. No nuts or nut butters
5. Take progress pictures.
6. See 130 on the scale again, even if it's dehydrated after my workout.
7. Diligently read and comment on as many blogs as I can each day.
8. Finally respond to the Versatile Blogger Award.


I did not record everything I ate, but I have been counting calories much better, so I feel like I've made some progress there.  I exercised every day without a rest day - today I am taking the day off because I have some swelling around my ankle.  Yesterday's run was awesome, 4.85 miles in just 39:57.  I definitely went above 1,000 calories on some days.  Today, I promise not to.  I cut down on the nut intake by a ton and only had my Better'n Peanut Butter.  I did not take any progress pictures, again, mainly because I don't have a camera and I have trouble taking photos with my phone.  No 130 - though today, before working out, I am 133.0.  I usually loose 2.5 pounds between running and the gym, so I may have hit my goal today.  I was much better about commenting, but I should have commented yesterday.  Annnd I haven't done the award.


So, I am really hoping that this week is my week.  I must eat under 500 today in order to gain the 20 points for the challenge.  I might do 30 minutes of yoga in order to at least get a bit for that, since I won't be running or going to the gym.  Breakfast today was about 200 calories between 1/8 cup yogurt, 1/8 cup sweetened coconut, and a bowl of fruit salad.  That gives me 300 more to use today.  I can do it.  I am going to have a big mug of tea after my shower - I have been counting tea in my H20 count since I don't put anything but water in my tea anyway.


How is everyone else doing on the challenge?

Fasting forward

Yesterday went fabulously until I realized it was one of the other coach's birthdays - in the morning, I ran for an hour, had a low-calorie breakfast and homemade vegetable soup for lunch.  Then, disaster struck.  I decided it was a great idea to bake cupcakes in her honor, so I made them in the bakery-size (i.e. jumbo) muffin pan - chocolate with cherry jam inside, ganache and amaretto soaked dried cherries on top.  I figured that we would eat in the dining hall and I could either say I was running home and sit in my car or just eat a little salad.  The girls, however, decided they wanted to go out for dinner.  The restaurant they chose is a pizza place without even a decent salad on their menu.  So, I ordered a personal pizza, thin crust, veggies, no cheese.  It was delicious, but as I was eating it, I could feel my stomach getting cranky from the gluten.  I finished 2/3, which was entirely too much and guzzled down two glasses of water.  We then went back to the birthday girl's apartment for cupcakes, where, of course, I ate an entire cupcake, even knowing that I was full.  Afterward, we went to a bar and I had a glass of wine.

I came home and got on the scale last night and started to cry.  I know it was all of the food and drink, but honestly I felt completely worthless.  Especially since I went over my goals of not breaking 1000, had chocolate, and didn't know how to record my abhorrent intake,  and now there is no way I will be 130 by Sunday morning.

So, I am going to fast today - liquids only (tea, coffee, almond milk, maybe a little juice, and of course, water) - and maybe into tomorrow if I can keep it up.  I am going to the gym soon and will run before my class.  Hopefully for 45 minutes before my 45 minute class, but the tendons/muscles in my right ankle are swollen and have been hurting since my 6-miler yesterday morning.  Yet again, I am too ashamed to post my weight, but it's too far away from my goal, let's just settle with that.  My mini-goal for the day is to weigh less tonight than I did this morning.  Reasonable?  I think so.  Additionally, I am going to follow the rules of the challenge that Isobel posted.  So today's fast will leave me under 500 calories (20 pts), exercise between 10-20 pts, I can easily drink 2L of water (20), and I already had eight hours of sleep (20).  If I do that every day for ten days, I'll be much closer to my goal weight.

Thank you all for reading that rambling post, I hope you have a lovely skinny day.  I will be catching up and commenting to do my duty as a friend to all of you and to distract me from eating and thus piling more fat onto my body.

Thank you for inspiring and supporting me.  I am ever grateful.

Edit:  Coffee, soy milk, Emergen-C and water as my intake so far.  If I am feeling faint (as I am starting to feel sluggish now) I will have 1/2 a Clif Bar to get me through the rest of the day/night.  When I come home, I'll have miso soup for dinner.  At the gym, I burned 820 calories between my class and a 35 minute run.  I have already had three glasses of water, just five more and I've reached my 20 points.  I can do this today.  One last thing, I want legs just like this...

Weekend ReCap and Goals for the Week

Saturday, as you, my faithful readers, know was my team's first race.  On Saturday morning I went to my class at the gym, came home and showered, and went straight to the lake.  The conditions were terrible, gusts of wind and lots of whitecaps, and we ended up losing the points trophy by a two second technicality.  Regardless, my boys won their race, which was great.  Afterward, I went out with my fellow coaches and had a big old salad and a beer.

Sunday started as a good day but then I ended up eating some jelly beans and other unnecessary junk.  I went for a fabulous run in the lovely cool spring weather, so the day was not a total loss.  I ran my normal 4.85 miles loop in less than 41 minutes.  I ran my first 1.1 miles in 9:08 - normally, since it's all uphill, I run it in about 10:20+.  I was completely psyched and just enjoying the spring air.

This morning, I ran four miles, but I have managed to completely destroy my intake with chocolate.  I managed to last the entire month of March without chocolate, so I think after today I need to just swear it off again.  I tend to be one of those all-or-nothing kinds of people when it comes to food.  I just need to get it out of my life.  I am sabotaging myself.  This is the week I get back on track, completely.

I am finding it harder to restrict now.  I am assuming it is because my life is in much better order lately - new job, boyfriend is being absolutely divine, getting along with my family, spring is here... last summer/fall I was easily dropping weight because I generally felt awful and stressed about my life.  I need to find the balance where I can restrict, varying the days (600, 800, 1000, etc.), exercise, and be happy.  I need to take some photos of myself, perhaps in my swimsuit, so I can see how awful I look.  That might motivate me.

My goals for this week are...
1. Record absolutely everything I eat.  I always eat so much less when I have to be accountable for it.
2. Exercise every day (Not unusual, but I am going to skip my rest day this week).
3. Not go above 1000 calories.
4. No nuts or nut butters
5. Take progress pictures.
6. See 130 on the scale again, even if it's dehydrated after my workout.
7. Diligently read and comment on as many blogs as I can each day.
8. Finally respond to the Versatile Blogger Award.

I just returned from the gym - 20 minute interval run and back-to-back classes (burned 1050 calories).  Then I had oatmeal with strawberries, spices, and yogurt (215 calories total). My weight was too embarrassing to even mention prior to my gym session, but that gives me an extra dose of motivation so I  will not quit today.  I want to be under 120 pounds so badly and yet I am barely working for it.  I want to be gracefully thin in my wedding photos, which hopefully will be within the next year or so.  I need to keep working and work harder.  I am not beautiful at this weight.  125 will be satisfactory, seeing as I am so far away from that now, but sub-120 is the goal.  I have to do this.

Fat free day

My goal today is to have a fat free day.  What I mean is not adding ANY extra fats to my food at all (no nuts/oils/etc.)

I woke up early and went to my class at the gym, just got home and had 1/3c oatmeal with diced peaches, a 1/2 tsp molasses, cinnamon, nutmeg, and 1/4c plain soy yogurt.  That comes to 215 calories.  A lot, I know, but I just got home from a tough class at the gym.  Later this morning I will have 1/2 a Luna Bar with coffee (95).  Lunch will be an apple (80), maybe a banana (105), and less than a cup of almond milk (60).  I'll be at work all afternoon and then I'll come home and grab vegetable soup that my mom made last night, which is less than 200 calories.  That puts my total for the day at around 700.

My kids have their first race today.  I really hope they just row their little hearts out and make it to the finish line :)

Maybe I'll post some thinspo tonight.  I need some inspiration, you know?

Have a great Saturday everyone...

P.S. Sorry I haven't gotten back to everyone who has been commenting.  Dani at Bones are Pure, I know you're handling a lot right now and I sometimes don't know what to say.  Just know that I am listening and will help however I can.

Feeling good today

Just a short post... for once I am feeling halfway confident and strong today.

I fasted most of the day yesterday and hit the gym this morning.  5K in just shy of 25 minutes on the treadmill and then my bursting class... according to my heart monitor, in an hour and fifteen minutes, I burned 806 calories.  I love starting the day with a negative calorie intake.  I hopped on the scale after the gym and finally it read 129.8.  It's about damn time that I break that horrible 130.  I know it's sort of a false reading because I was dehydrated from the gym and all, but it makes me feel so much better.  Now, I am drinking my Emergen-C mixed with 4oz water and 4oz orange juice and eating 1T peanut butter.  I plan to spend the rest of my day hydrating at work and I think I will pack fruit and yogurt for lunch.  When I come home from work, I'll steam a big bunch of spinach and swiss chard with lots of lemon juice and a touch of olive oil.

Today is going to be a better day - for everyone.

Embarassed

I know it has been almost a week since my last post, but honestly, I have been so embarrassed about my eating and my weight that I can hardly even write now.

Thank you for the well-wishes regarding my stress fracture.  All I can think about now is how much I want to run.  I had an MRI this morning and I have my doctor's appointment on Friday.  I have been still working out - lifting, using the elliptical, and taking my class - but I fee like running is the only thing that keeps me thinner.  My weight is disgustingly high.  I did a few days of liquids last week and was down to 129.5 on Sunday morning... now, I cannot even say.  Granted, I ate some salty things yesterday, so today I'm shying away from that and drinking lots of coffee and green tea in hopes that I'll have happier numbers tomorrow.

I had my class and then did an extra 15 hard minutes on the elliptical (total of 60 minutes) today.  I just had breakfast - 1 cup rice chex, 1 cup plain unsweetened almond milk, 6 pecans, 1/2 cup unsweetened frozen mango - about 300 calories, a lot for breakfast for me, but it's already 11:30 and I plan to not eat until dinner.

I also have an appointment to have my hair cut on Friday - if you remember, I am cutting it ALL off and donating it.  I desperately wanted to be 125 by the time I cut my hair, but alas, I have failed again.  Maybe seeing my chubby face without my hair to hide it will be the extra kick in the pants I need to stop shoving food in my mouth.

Thank you Ariana, Ana Marie, Athena, Sofia, Dani, A Quiet Battle, Lorna, Sophie, Amy, and of course Adeline, for the kind words of encouragement and gratitude you express through your comments and on your blogs.  I know that even when I am feeling downright terrible, you lovely ladies help pick me up.  I promise I will do better this week.  I am shooting for 129.0 or less by Friday.  My ultimate goal this year is to be under 120, like 118.  I think that at 5'7.5" that is a reasonable, but thin weight.  I just need to stop fooling around and indulging.

Lots of love, my dears...

Counting calories

I did not weigh myself for the first time in months, today.  I was having horrible stomach cramps last night (too much wheat probably) and did not have my normal bathroom routine this morning.  Thus, I was just too damn scared to step on the scale.

I took my cleanse pills and had a small bowl of rice chex with light soy milk and strawberries before going to the gym.  I've decided to start keeping a calorie log again here.  According to the counter, my breakfast was 118 and my lunch 203 and I had 5 raw cashews, I'm not sure how many ounces that is, so I'm guessing the amount a little and figure it is 57 calories.  The total so far: 378

I went to the wellness center for my class today, ran 1.2 miles on the treadmill at 8mph, did the 45 minute class, did 2 more miles on the treadmill at 7mph and then a few ab and back exercises.  My heart monitor says I burned 753 calories, which is great.

I need to get this silly body of mine leaner and faster.  That means more training, more weights, and less food.  I definitely need to work on reducing my fat intake.  Even when I have really low calorie days, I eat nuts and such, which are full of (albeit heart-health) fat.  Tonight, I am going to have a salad when I come home from work and only use vinegar, no oil.  Lettuce, a roasted red pepper, cucumber, sundried tomatoes (not in oil), and grated beet and carrot with vinegar and salt and pepper.  Low calorie and YUM!  I especially need to prepare because my mom told me we are having sushi tomorrow night for my brother's birthday.  I will have either seaweed salad or miso soup and a vegetable roll.  I hate that Japanese food is so full of sodium.  It is delicious and generally quite good for you, but the sodium!!!  I am going to my class at 6:15 and will probably run 1.5 miles before and after on the treadmill there.

Alright, it is time for a shower, to get my day in order, and to comment on some blogs.