One month to go

Less than a month has passed since my last post, but much has changed...

I have one month to go before I return to the United States, and I am determined to make it worth while.  Since I last wrote, I spent a weekend visiting friends in Munich and have returned to the beach (rough, I know).  I started Insanity at the beginning of July, which was been going ok so far.  This week is the "recovery week" and I am truly trying to rest. A lot of the jumping has been irritating my hips/hip flexors.  Additionally, we have had some lovely, breezy weather the past few mornings, so I have been running. The combination is a bit much for my joints today, so I am taking some I unscheduled rest. Maybe if I feel good tonight, I will do the recovery video, as it really is less intense.  I do not have a scale, but I am fairly certain that I am the same size as when I arrived... Meaning too heavy, obviously, but that is better than gaining.  I think I am somewhere right around 140 lbs, which is my upper limit.  My ultimate dream is to be 118, which seems forever from now.  But, for the next three weeks I am trying to be extra disciplined in preparation to go back to Munich.

Which brings me to my next bit of news...

So Munich. Around the 18th of July, I ventured to Munich to visit Pauline's boyfriend (obviously he is not her boyfriend anymore, but they were dating/living together when she disappeared/died). We all had a lovely (and kind of crazy!) weekend together and because I arrived the night before everyone else, and left the afternoon after everyone else, I had the chance to spend some time with Benjamin, just the two of us.  Well, after all of that, I guess if come as a great surprise to us both that it was incredibly difficult to part ways at the airport.  The entire weekend I thought he was flirting with me, but then I just chalked it up to me being a little crazy and him being suuuuuuuuper nice.  Au contraire... Since then we have been chatting and Skyping with great regularity and it is clear that he he very interested in me.   I honestly cannot say enough good things about him.  While the situation is unconventional, to say the least, I hope our friends will be ok with it.  Pauline and I had a lot in common, so many is not so surprising that we like each other? And on top of that, Benjamin and I have shared this horrible, unspeakable experience together.... It's a very difficult thing to explain to someone, and frankly unless you have experienced it or something similar, I believe it is impossible to understand. S even in the face of great tragedy, I suppose we have been brought together.

So where does that leave me? And Allan? And Benjamin?

Well, last week, I called Allan and broke up with him.  It was not my intention to end things over the phone while I was in Europe, but I also felt it unethical to perhaps get involved with someone else before tying up the loose ends with Allan.  To say that he was angry and upset is a major understatement.  I know we weren't together for long, but he felt very strongly about me.  I have never broken up with anyone, so I hope I managed to do it in a kind way.  Today, in fact, I am going to the post office to send him a small package... I knitted a sweater for his new little baby that should arrive any day ow, I bought her sweet little booties in Paris and a beautiful wallet for him in Italy.  In addition, I wrote him a letter to explain some things and one fully alleviate some pain.  I am so sorry to have hurt him, but I hope with some time he understands that this was inevitable and necessary.  Maybe if we met five years in the future, it would be different.  But the facts remain hat he is still married and having another baby, this week.

And in the meantime, Benjamin very very kindly bought me a plane ticket to go back to Munich on the 23 or August.  I will be there ith him for a week, we will head to a party at our friends in Amboise (south of Paris) and then to Paris for a few days before I go home.  It feels a bit dreamy in fact, and at the moment three weeks feels like an eternity.  I must say, it feel so good to be all full of butterflies.  I am nervous as all get out that after spending some more time ith me he will realize that A. I am not all that exciting/fun/cool/loveable and B. long distance relationships are a little crazy.  Obviously, I will have to wait and see. But for now, I have stumbled on some good fortune and I am trying to enjoy it.  He's a total catch... Smart, gorgeous, French, has a job and an apartment, nice family, so polite and maybe the kindest person I know.  And we have a lot in common... We will see...

So what else?

I am just trying to not feel guilty about spending another month sans employment (I search every day and am constantly applying).  I have a lot of down time to visit the beach and knit, which even though logically it makes me feel super guilty, I know that it is good for healing my soul and I have she rest of my life to work.  I am also trying to let go of food and weight hangups, which is sort of-not really working.  My head is still a mess, and there have been days where I refused to go to the beach be ause I did ot want to be seen in my bathing suit.  But then yesterday I ran in my sports bra and spent the afternoon in my bikini... But then this morning I caught a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror and cannot help but compare myself to my impossibly tiny host mother/aunt/cousins girlfriend... It's a constant mental back-and-forth.  It hasn't really affected me eating, per se, which I guess is healthy.  I et three square meals but no snacks (the French don't reply do snacking), and mostly vegetables and fruit.  I am also eating bread and cheese, which I never do in the US, which is probably why I haven't lost anything.  In preparation for Munich, I am going to exercise as much as I can... Insanity, running, swimming, and stick to salad and tea.  I think I can do it.  And even if I don't really lose weight I know it will make me feel better.  Pauline was insanely petite, so I cannot help but compare myself to her too.

I have been reading everyone's blogs (though not watching vlogs because of my spotty Internet connection) but without Google reader I am finding it more difficult to comment... From my tablet, it irks, but from my phone (which is what I mostly use to read), I can't figure it out.  I have been keeping up, though! Please don't feel ignored, friends.

I hope everyone is enjoying their summers... August always goes by in a flash for me, whether I am on vacation or working or anticipating a new school year... So no matter what you re doing, I hope you can pause and enjoy life for a little.  As for those of you in wintertime down south, I'm not sur that all applies... Just have a cuppa, ok?

Much love.

The beach and feeling like a whale

I spent a lovely week at the beach when I returned from Rome/Naples/Pompeii/Capri.  My family here has a home on a little island off of the Atlantic coast.  It is really nice, but modest - the location of the property is its best asset, as it is literally a 5 minute walk to a peaceful beach on the bay side.  It isn't unusually too crowded and you can spend hours there relaxing.

While I was there, I was feeling beyond self conscious about being in a bathing suit, but I managed to deal with it.  Now, I started Insanity, and I've been eating more carbs and fat than I ever do in the states.  The combination is not working... I've gained about three pounds since I arrived, but I thought I would be losing!  I only eat at regular meal times, hardly a snack. In Rome I was doing ok, since I was walking constantly... But now, I'm just not active enough to justify what I eat.

Today, I ate a modest breakfast and am just going to have an espresso for lunch. I know that isn't the best option, but I think my brain needs a little break from food today. It's not restriction, it's just that I need a breather.  Does that make sense?  I just want to live on veggies and smoothies, but it's not really possible.

When I get back in September, I'm determined to start insanity again.  I've made it through two weeks already and it's great.  I know I would see much better results if I was controlling my eating and being more disciplined.

What else?  Well, things with Allan are about to implode.  I imagine a month from now we will barely be talking.... His (unofficially ex) wife is having his baby in August.  I think that's just a little too much for me to handle.  If he was already divorced, it would be different.  But the fact is, he's not, and won't be for a long time.  I don't think he totally understands that love just isn't enough to keep us together.  I know he truly loves me. I believe him when he says it.  But I can't go all-in with him, I just feel like there are a million things in the way.  Anyway, I'm trying to just remain supportive and be there for him right now.  We can reassess when I come home, but I don't have a good feeling about it.

I've been trying to catch up on everyone's blogs, but feedly had a major bug when google reader shut down.  Everything is working again, but I'm wayyyyyyyy behind on Peri's blogs and Lulu's videos.

Today I am returning to Paris and then visiting Pauline's boyfriend in Munich.  He is working there for the summer.  Her sister and sisters's boyfriend, and two of our other friends are all joining us.  Should be a good, easy weekend.  I still have more than 6 weeks before I have to start my real life, and I'm trying to just let my brain rest and my soul heal.  I've been having lots of good talks with Popi's mom and grandmother.  It helps.  And I've been applying for many, many jobs.  I had an interview this week and will hopefully hear soon.

Time for a deep breath and a few cups of tea.  I can't help but think, every time I look in the mirror, that I am so huge.  I know I'm not morbidly obese, but I hate hate hate that feeling of being at the high end of my normal fluctuation.  I always want to be below my lowest.  Especially here, where so many people are thin.  Even my French grammie told me yesterday not to eat so much.  And on top of that, it's summer and very hot here... You can't wear pants and sweaters.

Sigh.  Trying not to be ungrateful and get out of my own head.

Reeling

So a lot has changed and will continue to change in the next two weeks.

I graduated with my masters and moved out of my apartment on Sunday after finishing the Color Run with my friend.  I said tearful goodbyes to my roommates and Allan.  Not exactly sure where we stand, so I am trying to just let it be.

I had my wisdom teeth out on Tuesday and still feel pretty rough.  I have yet to take a single pain pill, but continuously have ice strapped to my face.

In less than two weeks, I have to organize my apartment's-worth of belongings and pack for the next three months.  Visit and say goodbye to my friends here in my hometown, and finally, escape.

So what, besides my horribly swollen face, is plaguing me?

I am terribly huge.  Honestly.  Truly.  My mother said my face is round.  She told me that I am eating out of boredom.  And to make matters worse, I cannot exercise - in fact, I can hardly move or it induces swelling.  I have to eat something in order to take the antibiotics.

I hope I can finally get all of the stress in my life under control for once.  Allan is wonderful, but I don't know what is going to happen to us, which makes me sad and stressed. He insists I am still hung up on Juan, which stresses me out.  Then, there was just the past several weeks of school.  My teeth.  Moving.  Packing.  Pauline.  I don't know.  The stress is making me heavier, that's for sure.  Once I touch down in France, and am sure I will feel much more at ease, even if I am still emotionally reeling.  Or at least I hope so.

Ok, now I am just rambling on about the same old, same old.

I need to stop eating.  If not altogether, than surely not so much.  I can't take it anymore.  I know it's a horrible attitude.  I know it's not healthy.  And truly most of that is just in my head, not in my actions, so don't be too concerned.

Exhausted

My head is spinning.

This semester has been so incredibly busy.  Between my four part time jobs, internship, classes, trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship with Allan, and sneaking in a few minutes here and there for running and knitting, I am spent.

Looking on the bright side, I handed in (and passed!) my final paper (essentially a mini-thesis on a health disparity, only 15 pages 1.5x spaced, size 11 font.  Which is honestly not enough room to write about all of the things I needed to write about, but I digress...).  My poster for my practicum presentation is off at the printer and my final quantitative paper is handed in.  I said my goodbyes at my internship and finished the revisions on a paper I co-authored and sent to a journal.  Even though I am still busy, at least the end is in sight.  I will be so grateful, even by next week, when things really slow down.  Once I pass my quantitative methods exam I will be set to graduate.  While my program overall was not as challenging as I may have preferred, I know that I made the best of my coursework and experiences during my internship.  I began applying for jobs in the past week and the contacts for a position I applied for in Zambia (for a research assistant on an HIV/AIDS project) already reached out to my references.

As for Allan, well, it is infinitely complicated.  His life is just so. damn. complicated.  Just when I think things really cannot get any more messed up, something else happens.  Between us, everything is lovely.  He treats me so well and I feel very comfortable around him.  It is just sad that we are probably not going to work long term.  Among other things, he is still officially married (separated and working toward divorce) and his wife is pregnant with his child, due in August.  Yeah.  With two older kids already.  I know.  I know.  But, for the time being, I think he has helped me realize that I deserve to be in a relationship that is fulfilling with someone who is kind.  Juan treated me so poorly in the end and I thought that I could sacrifice something to make him change that.  And for Allan, I see myself as a bit of light in his life.  He is always caring for others and responsible for the wellbeing of so many people that I know no one ever stops to take care of him.  Even if it is only for a little while that I can be his confidant and cheerleader, I am more than happy to do that.  I will be very sad to leave him when I go away.  It is surprisingly difficult to prepare for our separation.

People keep asking me if I am excited to go to France for the summer.  The truth is, this too is complicated.  Of course I am looking forward to it, and there is no doubt I will have fun.  It is a once in a lifetime opportunity before I begin my career, to take three months to disappear.  Yet, at the same time, I am visiting this country I so dearly love without the person in it who I most dearly love.  I miss my Popi so so so so much.  I think about her every day and this summer in her home, with her family, is going to be healing but challenging for me.  Having such a close friend die is unimaginable.  The only thing worse would be a spouse or a child.  And to die in such a tragic capacity, there is no rulebook for processing this.  I try to talk about her often (usually referring to her morbidly as "my friend who died") because it makes me feel like she is still here.  I don't know.  Some days I wake up and forget she is dead.  I guess what I am trying to say is that I still have been unable to deal with this well and I need to go be with her sister and brother and parents and grandmother and friends.  It is selfish, but I need to do it to be able to find some peace.

On the weight front, things are in shambles.  I have made a million excuses (and have been legitimately physically exhausted and sleep deprived) for not running as regularly as I must.  I continue to eat in restaurants with my boyfriend and fail to pack modest, healthy meals when I am running around in a million directions.  The result?  I am still ten pounds above my comfortable weight and way more than that above my UGW.  I guess it is good that I have not resorted to restricting, but looking at my fat face and pudgy thighs in the mirror makes me cry.  It is such a strange thing to juxtapose my internal attitudes with the ones that Allan voices.  He constantly praises my for the way my body looks and clearly has an appreciation for a curvier woman (I am not really curvy, just pudgy in the wrong places) in line with predictable Latino stereotypes.  I am feeling less and less confident about the way I look (which was not so confident to begin with), regardless of what he says.  My friend's wedding is just two weeks away and it will be a miracle if I can even lose a pound or two given my current state of affairs.  This summer I know I will be less stressed and experiencing my life in a different way.  I am positive that will help me slim down a bit.  The constant stress cannot be helping this situation, right?

And last, but not least, a thank you to those who weighed in on the drama from last week.  I stopped reading the blog that no longer wants my presence and I wish her well.  I find it odd to put all of your private business and feelings on the internet, leave the opportunity to comment open to the public, and then become irate when someone comments at all.  If I understand what happened even somewhat correctly, it was not only what I said but the fact that I said anything at all that was a problem.  In the end, I do not know this young woman in "real life" and I know she could care less about who I am.  I value the friendships I have made through this blog, especially with a small core group of young ladies (you know who you are).  I value to the perspective of this group of people who come from such diverse life experiences.  I need you to ground me and steer me when I am too timid to talk to even the people who know me best (maybe that is the problem?  They know me so well that I am afraid to admit certain things?).  Merci beaucoup.  Grazie mille.  Muchas gracias.

Hopefully, I will survive the next 17 days before I move my things temporarily back to my parents' house.  Graduation.  Celebrations. Leaving the colleagues and friends I made.  Packing and moving.  Tearful goodbyes with Allan.  Oh, and of course I am running a 5k on the day I move.  Because I didn't have enough to do, right?

A little ramble about dysmorphia

I am at a really heavy weight right now.  Even with moderate amounts of running (finished another half marathon last Saturday in under two hours without really training!) and having my fridge empty, I cannot seem to make these pounds budge.

My boyfriend tells me that if this is my "chubby weight," that I am in good shape.  Well, unfortunately I do not agree with that in the slightest.  I want to snap my fingers and say goodbye to twenty pounds.  Obviously, that is impossible, but I just need to get serious about making changes.  I finally got some Vega One shake mix, and the nutrition profile is excellent for the amount of calories.  I think incorporating that will help me stay away from snacking during the day.  In addition, the warm weather we have had recently is taking away a bit of my appetite.  Not to mention, the stress of the end of the school year and the millions of awful things that keep happening to my boyfriend.  I would like to lose at least five pounds before graduation day, which honestly is not unhealthy or impossible.  I just need to be strict.

Since moving here, and especially since I started seeing Allan, I have been eating out much more frequently than ever in my life.  I vow that until graduation, if I eat at a restaurant, a salad it will be!  Certainly some salads can be far from healthy, but that is usually due to fatty toppings like creamy dressings, cheese, and bacon, none of which I ever eat.  Hooray for plants!

And on to more substantial stuff (rather than my ever-present dysmorphic complaining about my weight)...

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine, the only one who knows me in real life (other than Miranda, who I met out in CA!) brought up the post I did a while back where I quoted a pretty inflammatory Facebook remark made by a childhood friend.  The post said something about shaming size 0s and how other people should not be jealous, yadda yadda yadda.  When really, if you read between the lines, the writer is bragging about being super tiny.  While admittedly she is enviably small, she has not achieved that body in a healthy way, and seems to constantly be seeking attention for it.  Sadly, it is likely a cry for help, but at the moment, she seems to push her friends away.  Annnnnnnnyway, what my friend and I subsequently discussed was a bit about body dysmorphia.

I was saying that sometimes I feel like a total fraud, writing this blog, in that I do not have an eating disorder.  I have had periods of my life where I have definitely exhibited disordered patterns of eating, but never anything unshakable.  Furthermore, I have never dropped to a dangerously low weight (I know that is really a bunch of BS, DSM diagnostic crap, but...)  Honestly, the bulk of my problems are all in my head.  People tell me that I am thin on a fairly regular basis.  Objectively, from the outside, rationally, I know I am average.  I have a healthy BMI and I can run miles and miles.  My boyfriend is constantly touting how attractive he finds my body... and yet... I cannot shake the feelings I have had for years about how much better it would be to be a little trimmer here, thinner in the arms, slimmer in the thighs, tighter there.  I look in the mirror and am constantly disappointed by what I see and full well know that the losing weight (or not, for that matter) part is entirely my fault.  What we were discussing, however, is the fact that I think and feel this way really is not my fault.  I think I am just programmed as such.  I am so fortunate that it has only consumed my thoughts and not my actions, unlike so many people in this community.  Maybe it is part of my perfectionist, over-achieving personality.  Maybe the fact that I come off as confident and friendly and outgoing is to compensate for my intense body insecurities.  I wish I had the answers.

I wish I had some kind of solution for all of us.  To get us out of these mind traps that leave us in tears after seeing a number on the scale.  But unfortunately, at least for me, I fear it is never going to go away.  If I cannot toss these thoughts after feeling the accomplishment of running a marathon or feeling adored by another human, than what hope is there for me?  I don't know.

I just hope that in future periods of stress, I am able to keep on the relatively normal path, you know?

That was sort of a long-winded, unclear thought train, but thanks for riding.  My friend said that even if I feel weird about writing here sometimes, and even if I do not have an eating disorder, she thinks I have the capability of helping someone.  I hope that is true.

In my head?

The past few days have been the first I have had to myself in almost two months.  Not that my life revolves around Allan, but I manage to give him a lot of my free time (which is not much) and have really enjoyed having someone so caring in my life.  He is going to be away for two weeks with his kids, visiting his family.

The most noticeable change since he left?  I feel FAT FAT FAT.  I will begrudgingly admit that I am TEN pounds over my comfortable weight.  Obviously, Allan keeps telling me I look perfect just the way I am.  And I want to believe him.  But then I went shopping yesterday to try on a dress - I still needed a very small size, but everything looked horrific.  My arms, my thighs, I just do not understand. One day I feel fabulous and confident and the next I want to just run a million miles and eat carrots until I am 120 lbs (I am SO far from that number right now it makes me cry).

I just do not understand.  Everyone else says I look normal, healthy, slender, pretty - and yet I just see my ever-growing chipmunk cheeks and disastrously large thighs.

Someday I am going to get out of this mindset, I swear.  I suppose I should consider myself lucky that even though my mind is so warped, I have only gone through brief periods where I truly let it affect how I ate.

I have been reading Thrive and Thrive Foods by Brendan Brazier.  He is a vegan ultra-marathoner/iron man triathlete and a total beast.  He writes about how when he was training, even 8 hours a day, for a while he was putting on weight and could not figure out why.  Long story, short, is that he was eating the wrong kinds of foods and putting extra stress on his body (which translates to cortisol, that part is not really rocket science).  When he changed his diet, he had much more energy, could train longer and better, recover better, and stay at the optimal weight/muscle mass.  I have been trying to adopt some of his principles - much of what I eat is already in line with his program.  I think incorporating more raw foods would help though.  I eat mostly cooked foods, but already stay away from wheat and refined grains (generally speaking).  His diet, to me at least, is not really restrictive, but freeing, in the sense that you do not have to feel guilty about eating whatever you are eating on his regimen.

That was a detour.  But a happy detour from bad-body-thoughts-land, right?

Well, I have been down-for-the-count this past week with a cold (have not run since Monday), but I need to get myself up and ready for the day.  I think a quick trip to the grocery store for produce, several hours on campus doing homework, and meeting up with a friend are the little things on the agenda for today.

Sorry to be a bit of a downer.  I hope you are all doing ok.  It has been good to hear from some people who have been absent for a while (StickThin and Zette).  And for those of you who are consistently writing, I am glad to always hear from you too.

Oh, and at least I have been knitting quite a bit!  And receiving awesome packages from NJ, South Africa, Ireland, and beyond - thanks a million to my lovely ladies, you know who you are.

Where does the time go?

My it has been quite a while since I last spilled my feelings out around here.  I have noticed a lot is going on with people, as usual, but I have merely been lurking silently in the background.

So what is new?

Well, I am still seeing that guy I mentioned.  Between finding time for him, my four part-time jobs, internship, schoolwork, and running, it is a wonder I find time to sleep.  He has been really great thus far, and I really enjoy spending time with him.  The upside is that I am constantly filled with day-brightening chemicals surging in my neuro pathways and I rarely feel down these days.  On the downside, I have not managed to lose any weight, and regardless of how many times he tells me that he thinks I am sexy or beautiful, I cannot help but wish that my clothes fit loser and I was at least 15 pounds lighter.  The fact that we go out to eat on a regular basis is not helping either, but I suppose it is a good thing to not be so hung up on it that I turn down every invitation.  We went on a real date-night last night, which is a feat in itself considering he has two kids, starting at a bar with my two roommates, moving to dinner, and then out to a different bar with my roommates again afterwards.  The whole time he was such a gentleman, and he just looks at me so adoringly.  This is the last thing I thought would come of the two of us, given all of the circumstances,  but I am glad it is working.  He is truly so kind.

Enough of my gushing...

I am still desperately trying to find balance in my life, to no avail.  By Friday evening each week, I am just burned out.  I just need to make it to May 18th, get my diploma, have my wisdom teeth taken out (yuck!), and hop on a plane for France for three months.  Even though I am really tired, I think I can make it.  The major obstacle is a gigantic paper and a presentation that culminates my two years at this university.  Considering I have a draft of the paper due April 11th and have only just begun reading through my research, you could say I am a little nervous.

My ridiculous schedule is also leaving little time to devote to running.  I have a half marathon on the 6th that I have barely trained for - fortunately, I am still in decent enough shape from last fall that I can just do it.  Unfortunately, I am in no way shape or form going to PR.  I am much too heavy right now (hovering right around 139-140, gross, I know).  I want to be thinner for a million reasons, truly.  It's amazing that I cannot maintain the resolve to look better and feel better for myself, for my athletic endeavors, and for my boyfriend even. Ugh.

And how is everyone else doing?  Sorry to be so rambly and not talk about anything terribly important.



Just a teeny, tiny edit:

A childhood friend of mine posted this inflammatory remark this morning on Facebook.  Mind you, she has some serious body dysmorphic disorder that I'm pretty sure she does not recognize, and I have a sneaky feeling she exhibits ED behaviors, but seriously...  She would not be obese at a size 10.  In fact, a size 10 in the US, even though it is on the larger side, is probably just overweight.  And thanks for making me feel like a failure that I can't be as skinny as you are.  This girl was always weighed a very normal weight, and in the past two years has become very thin.  Knowing this makes me feel so inadequate, since if she can do it, why can't I, you know?  Anyway, that was a serious detour into my psyche... enjoy!

"If I hear one more thing about how 00 condones anorexia I will punch someone. You couldn't maintain this muscle mass and starve yourself. Instead, lets focus on your size. Sure, 10 is beautiful if that's your body type and you're healthy, but if I were a 10 I would be obese. Instead of fixating on the number and holding it as a standard for EVERY body, lets not be stupid and remember that if you're, fat you're fat! Just like if you are too skinny, you're too skinny. Don't be stupid."