In my head?

The past few days have been the first I have had to myself in almost two months.  Not that my life revolves around Allan, but I manage to give him a lot of my free time (which is not much) and have really enjoyed having someone so caring in my life.  He is going to be away for two weeks with his kids, visiting his family.

The most noticeable change since he left?  I feel FAT FAT FAT.  I will begrudgingly admit that I am TEN pounds over my comfortable weight.  Obviously, Allan keeps telling me I look perfect just the way I am.  And I want to believe him.  But then I went shopping yesterday to try on a dress - I still needed a very small size, but everything looked horrific.  My arms, my thighs, I just do not understand. One day I feel fabulous and confident and the next I want to just run a million miles and eat carrots until I am 120 lbs (I am SO far from that number right now it makes me cry).

I just do not understand.  Everyone else says I look normal, healthy, slender, pretty - and yet I just see my ever-growing chipmunk cheeks and disastrously large thighs.

Someday I am going to get out of this mindset, I swear.  I suppose I should consider myself lucky that even though my mind is so warped, I have only gone through brief periods where I truly let it affect how I ate.

I have been reading Thrive and Thrive Foods by Brendan Brazier.  He is a vegan ultra-marathoner/iron man triathlete and a total beast.  He writes about how when he was training, even 8 hours a day, for a while he was putting on weight and could not figure out why.  Long story, short, is that he was eating the wrong kinds of foods and putting extra stress on his body (which translates to cortisol, that part is not really rocket science).  When he changed his diet, he had much more energy, could train longer and better, recover better, and stay at the optimal weight/muscle mass.  I have been trying to adopt some of his principles - much of what I eat is already in line with his program.  I think incorporating more raw foods would help though.  I eat mostly cooked foods, but already stay away from wheat and refined grains (generally speaking).  His diet, to me at least, is not really restrictive, but freeing, in the sense that you do not have to feel guilty about eating whatever you are eating on his regimen.

That was a detour.  But a happy detour from bad-body-thoughts-land, right?

Well, I have been down-for-the-count this past week with a cold (have not run since Monday), but I need to get myself up and ready for the day.  I think a quick trip to the grocery store for produce, several hours on campus doing homework, and meeting up with a friend are the little things on the agenda for today.

Sorry to be a bit of a downer.  I hope you are all doing ok.  It has been good to hear from some people who have been absent for a while (StickThin and Zette).  And for those of you who are consistently writing, I am glad to always hear from you too.

Oh, and at least I have been knitting quite a bit!  And receiving awesome packages from NJ, South Africa, Ireland, and beyond - thanks a million to my lovely ladies, you know who you are.


Bella said...

I like your viewpoint that his vegan diet is freeing, not restrictive. I could nearly be persuaded to try a vegan diet, but at the moment it would only restrict me further.
It's strange how our perceptions can change from day to day, or even hour to hour. Just remember that there ARE days when you feel fabulous and confident, and our own eyes are not to be trusted.
And thank you so much for the Etsy link! I hadn't even thought of looking on there for needlework kits, so I'll definitely check it out later today.

Anonymous said...

I've got to check out that book- I've toyed with the idea of switching over to a vegan diet because I think it's healthier, but to hear the experience of someone who was training as an athlete and still vegan would be interesting! It's weird though- how everyone around us tells us we look fine and don't need to lose weight, yet when we look in the mirror we see (and feel) something completely different. One day we feel like a confident bombshell and the next we want to crawl in a hole and stay there. I think more detours away from bad-body-thoughts land is a good thing; good for mind as well. Hope you have a wonderful day!

Peridot (G+P) said...

Because you are so used to seeing yourself at a lower weight anything else over that will look obese to you. The look of your body at a low weight becomes your "normal".

Raw vegetables are harder for our bodies to break down than cooked, we are less able to get the nutrients and energy we need from them simply because our gut is smaller than that of a true herbivore and our molars are just no longer designed for chomping carrots.

Never EVER eat untreated cassava or almonds, ok? *Shudders* Mmmm, pure natural natural cyanide anyone? We are omnivorous creatures, it is simply how we have evolved.

Sorry to go all ranty at you :( The sheer level of Naturalistic Fallacy involved in a lot of the paleo/vegan literature really gets on my tits.

Yay for knitting! Can we see what you've made? Even if it's still in progress! Oooooh I think I know who some of those package-senders are ;) They ARE lovely ladies indeed!

Love you so much, take care and I hope you feel better so you can run again soon <3

ruby-tuesday said...

Sweetie, if you get any weird emails from me please ignore them
Emails are being sent from my account that I didn't write or send
I don't know if it's been hacked or what

Hope you're doing ok

Love to you x

Jéanne said...

Hi, sweet pea.

I'm so sorry about the way things ended with Juan. I can't believe he was such a jerk. You deserve so much better. I hope he realises what he's lost. Idiot! I'm ever so pleased to hear about the new man. He sounds wonderful! Keeping fingers crossed for you.

Your knitting is gorgeous! I'm so impressed with your latest cardigan, well done!

I hope the new week is a better one for you and that you get back into your groove soon.

All my love. :)


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