Where does the time go?

My it has been quite a while since I last spilled my feelings out around here.  I have noticed a lot is going on with people, as usual, but I have merely been lurking silently in the background.

So what is new?

Well, I am still seeing that guy I mentioned.  Between finding time for him, my four part-time jobs, internship, schoolwork, and running, it is a wonder I find time to sleep.  He has been really great thus far, and I really enjoy spending time with him.  The upside is that I am constantly filled with day-brightening chemicals surging in my neuro pathways and I rarely feel down these days.  On the downside, I have not managed to lose any weight, and regardless of how many times he tells me that he thinks I am sexy or beautiful, I cannot help but wish that my clothes fit loser and I was at least 15 pounds lighter.  The fact that we go out to eat on a regular basis is not helping either, but I suppose it is a good thing to not be so hung up on it that I turn down every invitation.  We went on a real date-night last night, which is a feat in itself considering he has two kids, starting at a bar with my two roommates, moving to dinner, and then out to a different bar with my roommates again afterwards.  The whole time he was such a gentleman, and he just looks at me so adoringly.  This is the last thing I thought would come of the two of us, given all of the circumstances,  but I am glad it is working.  He is truly so kind.

Enough of my gushing...

I am still desperately trying to find balance in my life, to no avail.  By Friday evening each week, I am just burned out.  I just need to make it to May 18th, get my diploma, have my wisdom teeth taken out (yuck!), and hop on a plane for France for three months.  Even though I am really tired, I think I can make it.  The major obstacle is a gigantic paper and a presentation that culminates my two years at this university.  Considering I have a draft of the paper due April 11th and have only just begun reading through my research, you could say I am a little nervous.

My ridiculous schedule is also leaving little time to devote to running.  I have a half marathon on the 6th that I have barely trained for - fortunately, I am still in decent enough shape from last fall that I can just do it.  Unfortunately, I am in no way shape or form going to PR.  I am much too heavy right now (hovering right around 139-140, gross, I know).  I want to be thinner for a million reasons, truly.  It's amazing that I cannot maintain the resolve to look better and feel better for myself, for my athletic endeavors, and for my boyfriend even. Ugh.

And how is everyone else doing?  Sorry to be so rambly and not talk about anything terribly important.



Just a teeny, tiny edit:

A childhood friend of mine posted this inflammatory remark this morning on Facebook.  Mind you, she has some serious body dysmorphic disorder that I'm pretty sure she does not recognize, and I have a sneaky feeling she exhibits ED behaviors, but seriously...  She would not be obese at a size 10.  In fact, a size 10 in the US, even though it is on the larger side, is probably just overweight.  And thanks for making me feel like a failure that I can't be as skinny as you are.  This girl was always weighed a very normal weight, and in the past two years has become very thin.  Knowing this makes me feel so inadequate, since if she can do it, why can't I, you know?  Anyway, that was a serious detour into my psyche... enjoy!

"If I hear one more thing about how 00 condones anorexia I will punch someone. You couldn't maintain this muscle mass and starve yourself. Instead, lets focus on your size. Sure, 10 is beautiful if that's your body type and you're healthy, but if I were a 10 I would be obese. Instead of fixating on the number and holding it as a standard for EVERY body, lets not be stupid and remember that if you're, fat you're fat! Just like if you are too skinny, you're too skinny. Don't be stupid."

3 comments:

warlocksmistress said...

It's good to hear from you. Sounds like things are going pretty well, even though you have so much "on your plate" right now (that was funny, right?!)

I'm like you, too much going on and just waiting until it all slows down. It has to happen eventually.

Sounds like things are going good with the boyfriend. Sometimes having someone who thinks you are gorgeous is reassuring. Boosts self-esteem a little.

Hang in there!

ruby-tuesday said...

Great to get an update and I'm glad to read that you are doing well and you're not letting silly old weight get in the way of your happiness

Your boy obviously sees what we all see
How beautiful, smart and talented you are
He sounds like a smart guy

Keep enjoying yourself
I know you must be tired but keep France in sight
Before you know it, it will be time to get on that plane

Lots of love to you x

Peridot (G+P) said...

*Huggles*

I'm glad you're getting happy-chemicals, love.

Gah! can you fit in a mandatory 30min feet-up-cuppa-and-knitting time for yourself each day? Gotta relax! D:

Fuck I wanna slap some sense into your mate for that. So not impressed by you having to put up with that kind of bullshit -.-

Love you *huggles*

 

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