I must

I realized that it is almost one year since I have been at this horribly high (and I thought abnormal for me... but after a year, well, I don't know?) weight.

I can't take it anymore.

I'm getting married in May.  My dress looks sort of fine except that my arms are enormous - which no amount of weight lifting or push ups or Insanity is going to fix.

I must lose weight.

I must be back in the low 130s.

(Even that number is absurdly high... so what does that make my current weight?  Whale-size?)

I have no choice.

I must.

Why did I do this to myself?

I have been too afraid to get on the scale for a few weeks now.  I know I have gained and I have a routine I like to go through before I weigh, which hasn't been possible if I need to do it before I go to work.

Well, I finally weighed today.

And yes, I gained.

And yes, it is the highest number I have seen since 2008.

I just want to cry.

How did I let this happen?  Why did I do this to myself?

Anyway, I have to run 16 miles this morning.  Hopefully that will help me feel a little better.

Everything is rushing by

Just a few more days and my masters degree will be complete.

One more exam in the way.

Then a whirlwind of ceremonies, packing, celebrating, and goodbyes.

This time next week I will be fasting in preparation for having my wisdom teeth removed.

And in a bit more than two weeks, I will be on a plane to Paris and off to see my dear sweet family for a few months.

Applying for jobs like it is my job.

Oh, and I finally bit the bullet and purchased Insanity (the brother of P90X), as my best girlfriend just finished and in so fit now.  I need something besides running, I am quite uninspired at the moment.  Allan and I are going to start it in July once I am settled in France.

I will have a lot of down time while I am recovering next week, so I promise to write.

Lots of love.

Busy and scattered

It's amazing that I gain any followers that this point.  My posting is only about once a week, at best, so I appreciate anyway who is bothering to join in and read.

I wish that as I was gaining followers, I was losing pounds.

Hit a new high today and I am absolutely disgusted/embarrassed.

Luckily, I can survive on two small meals, fruit, and coffee today.

This is a totally scatterbrained post...

I ran 19 miles on Sunday, which went relatively well.  I'm about to get my tush out the door right now for six, tomorrow is nine, and I forget what I have planned for the rest of the week.

Congratulations to Lulu on her new job!

Seriously, I apologize for this random stream of consciousness.

School started yesterday and I am already exhausted.  Today, I work from 9-2, go straight to campus to do more work with my professor all afternoon, and then class from 7:20-10.

Maybe, being so busy and relatively broke, will help me eat significantly less (since that is the only thing that will help me at this point)...

Hope everyone is well (or at least better than I am).

Gaining again

I emailed my coach to tell him that I was concerned about gaining weight.  He assured me that a few pounds are from retaining water while my muscles are inflamed, and the other few pounds are nothing to worry about and are, in fact, beneficial for a distance runner.

I am constantly so hungry, and eating more than usual. The combination of those two things is stressing me out and making me gain weight.  I am embarrassed with how much I weigh right now, I can't even post it.  I look in the mirror and can see it in my face and I feel it around my middle.  Luckily, my legs are starting to look a wee bit slimmer.  I just have to stop gaining.

In more positive news, however.  I finished a sweater, went home for the weekend, saw my friends and family, and ran 16 miles on Sunday.

Hopefully, after cutting back a little today, I won't be so heavy tomorrow.

Major kudos to Lulu, who is on day 6 of no bp.

Totally exhausted, but kind of happy

I'll have a lot more to say sometime this week when I get around to posting, but for now I am suuuuuper tired.  Very late night on Friday (up until 5am!!!) and then up this morning at 5:30 to get downtown for my race.

10 miles in 1:21:17.  That's around an 8:08 min/mile.  I'll take it :)

NEDA

Some of you might be aware of this, but in case you haven't heard, it is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week.

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

While I do not claim to have an eating disorder, I exhibit eating disordered behavior and experience a body-dysmorphic mindset more often than not, and I do know that it eating disorders are debilitating illnesses that affect so many people around the world, that some of those people might be connected to my blog, and that many of those people are likely in denial.

So, not to preach, but I hope you take a look.

I will get to a proper post sometime this week and I have a bit of news to share.

Too heavy - as usual

There is a small chance that Juan might meet me at the airport on Friday during my layover.  I have an hour before my next plane leaves - so that means getting off the plane quickly, finding the exit, chatting/crying for 15 minutes, and making my way back through security.

I wish I was not eating so much.  I have been feeling under the weather and not exercising, but still eating.  I was 131 this morning.  I should already be 125...

And I feel like I am buried under a huge pile of schoolwork.  It's giving me a headache.

I wish I had something more positive to say, but so it goes for now.

Thank you, as always, for the encouragement.  It is such a relief to know I can depend on your ladies.

Break up

Juan broke up with me via Skype on Sunday night.

I feel sick. And broken. And ruined.

Almost time to go home

I am taking my last exam this afternoon and leaving the morning to spend 12 days at home for the holidays.  I was 129.8 this morning.  If I eat super light today (though I'm having salty sushi for dinner and simply might retain water by morning) I will be under 130 again tomorrow and have reached my initial goal.

125 by Christmas.  I can do it.

Still doing ok

130.8 this morning.  I cannot wait to see numbers starting with 12 soon.

I am still in the midst of finals, knitting, and dealing with stress from Juan/family/my leg being swollen.

Today I am going to complete my biostatistics final, work on my study guide/flash cards for epidemiology, and have a study break with my friend and go for a run this afternoon.  My leg still hurts, but I think it can handle 4-6 miles every other day.

Sorry to be so brief but I have to get back to work.

I hope everyone is doing well.  For those of you that are students, the end of the semester is in sight and for most people, the holidays are approaching.

Much love, and thank you, as always, for the support.

A quick little note

Luckily, I did not gain over the Thanksgiving holiday home.  I am somewhere between 133-134.  131.8 after my 6.2 mile run this morning.  Ran 7 on Thanksgiving morning with me friend.  I have been diligently reading, but as the semester comes to an end, I have a ton of schoolwork and tests to wrap up.  Just three more weeks and I'll be finished up, with plenty of time for running, crafting, and blogging.

I hope all is well with my lovely ladies.  Please don't be discouraged.  You are beautiful.  I've been seeing so much depression and despair around here and tumblr, and it makes me scared that one of you (most of you are like my little sisters, since I'm one of the oldest around here, and I truly care and worry) will do something horribly regretful.

Quickly

I don't have very much to say on the weight loss front.  I was 132.4 after my run this morning, but 135.6 when I woke up.

I ran 10.05 miles in 1:27:15.

4.5 Monday, 6.2 Wednesday, 4.5 Thursday, 6.2 Friday, 10.05 today = 31.45 and I will probably do an easy 4-4.5 tomorrow.  Then again, if my legs are as tired in the morning as they are now, I may just take an additional rest day.

Little update

I am finally moved in and settled into my new place in Virginia.  Classes began on Monday and I just have some background reading to do for my research assistantship.

I am hovering around 137ish.  I feel disgusting, naturally.  I explained to my friend today that I think the stress of the semester combined with my extremely strict budget will certainly result in getting me down to my goal weight - I told her 125, but I know I want to be 118.

118.  It seems so far now.

I bought a pair of shoes today.  Forbidden, I know, because I am living on student loans and barely making it to my first paycheck.  They were $25.  I promised myself that I would not go grocery shopping for anything extraneous - only meal food, nothing remotely snack-like - and I will not shop until I have finished all of the food in my fridge/freezer (lettuce, carrots, hummus, applesauce, apples, soy milk, peas, corn, a bit of GF bread, rice cakes, etc - vegetables, mostly).  That way, I will not be tempted by higher calorie treats.  Oatmeal or soy yogurt for breakfast with a smidge of honey, salad for lunch, more veggies for dinner and nothing but coffee or tea in between.  I am still training for the half marathon, so inevitably, between more walking, my daily runs, stress, and being poor, I must lose weight.

Juan might be coming next weekend for my birthday.  I would like to be under 135 by then.  He would potentially arrive on my birthday, Friday.  That is 9 days right?  I think I can handle that.

I am reading the book Going Hungry.  Quite good.  It actually makes me feel relieved that I am not the only person who has weird eating issues with anorexic tendencies who isn't truly a full-blown anorexic.

Hopefully, I will have more time to write this weekend.  I promise I am reading, just not commenting at the moment.

Welcome back Isobel and Adeline.

Ginormousaurus

Yet again, I feel gigantically ginormous.  I am doing a horrible job at restricting and thus there is no feasible way for me to be under 130 in just under two weeks.

FML.

Out of Town

Just a quick note - I am in Tennessee right now for my kids' National Rowing Championships.

Anyway, we left on Wednesday morning, and between the 12 hour car ride, the skeevy hotel, the absolutely oppressive heat and humidity and eating out every meal at a restaurant, I am positive I have gained all of the weight I lost the past two weeks (I was down to 134).  I am disgusted - particularly with how I ate 1,000,000,000,000,000 chips and with salsa at dinner last night.  Tonight, I am going to try to find a treadmill in this hovel and kick my ass tonight.  I am so gross.  I want to be a lithe, slim, light and fast 118, not 135, or even worse, probably 137 or 138 right now.

Sorry for the sort of depressing rant.  I'm catching up on reading right now and I'll get to commenting on Monday when I return.

Still no word about the job, even though they insisted a decision would be made this week.

I promise I will post today.  A real post, with a real update, and likely some thinspo.

Long story short - I have gained weight and I'm quite unhappy about it.

More after I get back from the gym.

À Bientôt!

I am leaving tonight for South Carolina, so I will neither have access to a scale nor a computer/blogging capabilities until I return on the 28th.  Two things - I know Dani at bonesarepure gave me an award and so did one other person (though I forget who it was, since it was a few days ago, I'm sorry - thank you though!!) so I will have to do that when I return.  And secondly, I did not reach 129.  Maybe my week in the sunshine, combined with barely eating and no scale will allow me to shed some of this disgusting weight hanging off my body.

See you soon... enjoy my vlog from my previous post - what a production it was to upload that!!!

A case of the Mondays

Sorry it has been days since my last post.

On the exercise/eating/weight front, I have been doing my best to keep my calorie counts low and my exertion high.  This morning I was 130.8 and was unable to go to the gym because of a 6-inch snowfall.  Tomorrow, I am going to go early, run at least a 5k before my class and then sweat it out in my bursting class.  Hopefully, by Wednesday I will be just under 130 and feel a bit better about myself.

Today, I had soy yogurt with a kiwi, some strawberries and a sprinkling of rice crispies on top.  I snacked on some Trader Joe's peanut butter-filled pretzels, but I've safely stashed them away so they will no longer tempt me.  I have go to work soon anyway, and I will just bring my stash of healthy drinks (green tea, water, and a low cal/low sodium instant miso packet).  For dinner, I will probably have broccoli slaw or a big bowl of air-popped popcorn.

Yesterday, I spent the entire afternoon picking up a beautiful china cabinet from my godfather and cleaning my room and getting the furniture arranged.  I am using the cabinet as my dresser and it is fabulous!  It fits all of my clothes, dvds, jewelry box, and toiletry items.  Yes, I know it clashes with the wall color, but I plan on re-finishing it this summer and soon I am going to put fabric behind the doors.

I plan on painting it sort of like the dresser on the left and putting fabric like the armoire on the right, if that makes sense...

  

Now, I am searching for a floor mirror - the kind that swivels on a stand, but clearly I don't have $300 for one... so craigslist, here I come!

Enough of my rambling - I hope everyone had a lovely weekend.  Try to fill your tummies with health fruits and vegetables today and keep strong and focused... we can do this together 

Sorry I sort of disappeared for the week, I have been pet-sitting/house-watching and have had very little access to my computer and the internet.

Quickly... Juan is coming in ten days.  This week will be major restriction week, as I am still hovering between 129.8-131.6ish every day.

Oh, and I was accepted to the Mailman School of Public Health at Columbia University for their masters program!!!!