Stubborn

January is gone already.

My resolve for making changes has not waned, but the results have not appeared.

I finished one month of Insanity, started practicing yoga more regularly (1-2 times per week), and began marathon training.  And yet, despite the fact that I am getting strong, I am not getting thinner.  I have not lost a single pound.

I can't take it.

I am leaving on Tuesday night for France.  It's just for a long weekend.  Yes, it is extravagant, but people in love do such silly things.  I am dreading facing my boyfriend in such a state.  He is so beautiful and in such good shape.  He deserves an equally attractive partner.

The only way I will lose anything by then is skipping most meals and drowning myself in caffeine for a few days.  

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I think I can handle that for the rest of the week except for Saturday, when I must go on my long run (9 miles this week I think?)

I have been thinking about a lot of you lately.  Miranda of course, with her surgery.  Peri with her accident.  Lulu with her broken heart.  Ruby in treatment.  Bella who I just want to scoop up and hug. Isobel, who popped back onto the blog and then out again.  Piggy with her job troubles and upcoming trip to San Diego. Eloise, who left her blog ages ago but still keeps in contact via Facebook and tumblr.  Mich, well because she's Mich!  AnnaMaria with her difficult studies and plans for London.  Avy meandering the streets of my beloved Paris.  I think of you all, often.  Truly I do.

I need to get back to this blog more often.  It's the only way I will ever maintain some self control.

It's been a while

I know, I know, it has been a while...

Now I finally have time for some regular updates AND if the past is any indication for my future, writing on here has always helped me lose weight, and right now that is a major goal.  But we will get to that in a minute.

So lately... things with my boyfriend are going smashingly.  We Skype a lot and have exchanged a bit of mail.  We managed to talk about some tough things, especially concerning Pauline, and are just really solid (which is incredible, considering the distance).  Unlike with Juan, who I was constantly afraid would lose interest, Benjamin has already made travel arrangements to spend almost three weeks here with me in November, and invited me for Christmas.  He is constantly making me feel appreciated and it is obvious that he truly cares about me.  I am in a very good, safe, comforted place with this.

In other news, I restarted Insanity, so I begin week two tomorrow.  I will also be taking yoga classes at least once a week with a friend who is going through teacher training.  She is awesome and needs to practice being a yoga teacher, and I am an eager poor student, so we are a great match.  And if that was not challenging enough, I have been trying to keep some regular running dates (8 miles tomorrow after Insanity!!) and am organizing a 5k for Thanksgiving.

The biggest news of late, which is legitimately huge, is that I received a job offer today!  I have been hunting since May, and had a bunch of phone interviews, but this was my first offer.  I am definitely going to take it, as the job is interesting, I am qualified and prepared for it, I can live at home, and the salary is quite good.  I will be able to work on paying off my student loans ASAP and get a new car (mine is about to start having horrible things go wrong with it and will not be worth fixing).  Also, it is much easier to get to France from here than, say, San Francisco or Madagascar (both places I interviewed for).  I feel like it's a bit of a dream to begin my first adult job, after all of these years in school, but I am psyched.

And then, as always, there is my weight.  I came from France at an embarrassingly high weight.  Not that I gained that much (four pounds), but I was too heavy before I left, and have not seen the scale budge since I returned.  Since my boyfriend is arriving in 55 days and I am about to start a new chapter in my life, now is just as good of a time as any to get into gear.  The results from Insanity will be so much better if change my eating and I will fit back into some of the clothes I would like to wear to work.  I am somewhat satisfied with how my body looks, to be honest.  I wish I didn't have such a double chin when I smile and that my thighs/arms/waist were a bit slimmer, but overall I think I have battled a lot of those demons when I was away this summer.  That being said, I know that when I am stressed and busy (which is about to happen), those thoughts creep back and certain behaviors return.  I am trying very hard to be health, but at the same time, I would love to reach my dream of 125 (well, my ultimate dream is 118, but it's impossible and I would probably look ill).  In short, I do not have a very well laid-out plan for my meals yet, but I am going to work on planning the next two weeks tonight and tomorrow and it is obvious that I need to track my calories.  The exercise I am doing is great and healthy.  I just need to keep the other bits healthy too.

How the hell is everyone???  I am up to date (for the most part) on reading, but I feel so disconnected.

One month to go

Less than a month has passed since my last post, but much has changed...

I have one month to go before I return to the United States, and I am determined to make it worth while.  Since I last wrote, I spent a weekend visiting friends in Munich and have returned to the beach (rough, I know).  I started Insanity at the beginning of July, which was been going ok so far.  This week is the "recovery week" and I am truly trying to rest. A lot of the jumping has been irritating my hips/hip flexors.  Additionally, we have had some lovely, breezy weather the past few mornings, so I have been running. The combination is a bit much for my joints today, so I am taking some I unscheduled rest. Maybe if I feel good tonight, I will do the recovery video, as it really is less intense.  I do not have a scale, but I am fairly certain that I am the same size as when I arrived... Meaning too heavy, obviously, but that is better than gaining.  I think I am somewhere right around 140 lbs, which is my upper limit.  My ultimate dream is to be 118, which seems forever from now.  But, for the next three weeks I am trying to be extra disciplined in preparation to go back to Munich.

Which brings me to my next bit of news...

So Munich. Around the 18th of July, I ventured to Munich to visit Pauline's boyfriend (obviously he is not her boyfriend anymore, but they were dating/living together when she disappeared/died). We all had a lovely (and kind of crazy!) weekend together and because I arrived the night before everyone else, and left the afternoon after everyone else, I had the chance to spend some time with Benjamin, just the two of us.  Well, after all of that, I guess if come as a great surprise to us both that it was incredibly difficult to part ways at the airport.  The entire weekend I thought he was flirting with me, but then I just chalked it up to me being a little crazy and him being suuuuuuuuper nice.  Au contraire... Since then we have been chatting and Skyping with great regularity and it is clear that he he very interested in me.   I honestly cannot say enough good things about him.  While the situation is unconventional, to say the least, I hope our friends will be ok with it.  Pauline and I had a lot in common, so many is not so surprising that we like each other? And on top of that, Benjamin and I have shared this horrible, unspeakable experience together.... It's a very difficult thing to explain to someone, and frankly unless you have experienced it or something similar, I believe it is impossible to understand. S even in the face of great tragedy, I suppose we have been brought together.

So where does that leave me? And Allan? And Benjamin?

Well, last week, I called Allan and broke up with him.  It was not my intention to end things over the phone while I was in Europe, but I also felt it unethical to perhaps get involved with someone else before tying up the loose ends with Allan.  To say that he was angry and upset is a major understatement.  I know we weren't together for long, but he felt very strongly about me.  I have never broken up with anyone, so I hope I managed to do it in a kind way.  Today, in fact, I am going to the post office to send him a small package... I knitted a sweater for his new little baby that should arrive any day ow, I bought her sweet little booties in Paris and a beautiful wallet for him in Italy.  In addition, I wrote him a letter to explain some things and one fully alleviate some pain.  I am so sorry to have hurt him, but I hope with some time he understands that this was inevitable and necessary.  Maybe if we met five years in the future, it would be different.  But the facts remain hat he is still married and having another baby, this week.

And in the meantime, Benjamin very very kindly bought me a plane ticket to go back to Munich on the 23 or August.  I will be there ith him for a week, we will head to a party at our friends in Amboise (south of Paris) and then to Paris for a few days before I go home.  It feels a bit dreamy in fact, and at the moment three weeks feels like an eternity.  I must say, it feel so good to be all full of butterflies.  I am nervous as all get out that after spending some more time ith me he will realize that A. I am not all that exciting/fun/cool/loveable and B. long distance relationships are a little crazy.  Obviously, I will have to wait and see. But for now, I have stumbled on some good fortune and I am trying to enjoy it.  He's a total catch... Smart, gorgeous, French, has a job and an apartment, nice family, so polite and maybe the kindest person I know.  And we have a lot in common... We will see...

So what else?

I am just trying to not feel guilty about spending another month sans employment (I search every day and am constantly applying).  I have a lot of down time to visit the beach and knit, which even though logically it makes me feel super guilty, I know that it is good for healing my soul and I have she rest of my life to work.  I am also trying to let go of food and weight hangups, which is sort of-not really working.  My head is still a mess, and there have been days where I refused to go to the beach be ause I did ot want to be seen in my bathing suit.  But then yesterday I ran in my sports bra and spent the afternoon in my bikini... But then this morning I caught a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror and cannot help but compare myself to my impossibly tiny host mother/aunt/cousins girlfriend... It's a constant mental back-and-forth.  It hasn't really affected me eating, per se, which I guess is healthy.  I et three square meals but no snacks (the French don't reply do snacking), and mostly vegetables and fruit.  I am also eating bread and cheese, which I never do in the US, which is probably why I haven't lost anything.  In preparation for Munich, I am going to exercise as much as I can... Insanity, running, swimming, and stick to salad and tea.  I think I can do it.  And even if I don't really lose weight I know it will make me feel better.  Pauline was insanely petite, so I cannot help but compare myself to her too.

I have been reading everyone's blogs (though not watching vlogs because of my spotty Internet connection) but without Google reader I am finding it more difficult to comment... From my tablet, it irks, but from my phone (which is what I mostly use to read), I can't figure it out.  I have been keeping up, though! Please don't feel ignored, friends.

I hope everyone is enjoying their summers... August always goes by in a flash for me, whether I am on vacation or working or anticipating a new school year... So no matter what you re doing, I hope you can pause and enjoy life for a little.  As for those of you in wintertime down south, I'm not sur that all applies... Just have a cuppa, ok?

Much love.

The beach and feeling like a whale

I spent a lovely week at the beach when I returned from Rome/Naples/Pompeii/Capri.  My family here has a home on a little island off of the Atlantic coast.  It is really nice, but modest - the location of the property is its best asset, as it is literally a 5 minute walk to a peaceful beach on the bay side.  It isn't unusually too crowded and you can spend hours there relaxing.

While I was there, I was feeling beyond self conscious about being in a bathing suit, but I managed to deal with it.  Now, I started Insanity, and I've been eating more carbs and fat than I ever do in the states.  The combination is not working... I've gained about three pounds since I arrived, but I thought I would be losing!  I only eat at regular meal times, hardly a snack. In Rome I was doing ok, since I was walking constantly... But now, I'm just not active enough to justify what I eat.

Today, I ate a modest breakfast and am just going to have an espresso for lunch. I know that isn't the best option, but I think my brain needs a little break from food today. It's not restriction, it's just that I need a breather.  Does that make sense?  I just want to live on veggies and smoothies, but it's not really possible.

When I get back in September, I'm determined to start insanity again.  I've made it through two weeks already and it's great.  I know I would see much better results if I was controlling my eating and being more disciplined.

What else?  Well, things with Allan are about to implode.  I imagine a month from now we will barely be talking.... His (unofficially ex) wife is having his baby in August.  I think that's just a little too much for me to handle.  If he was already divorced, it would be different.  But the fact is, he's not, and won't be for a long time.  I don't think he totally understands that love just isn't enough to keep us together.  I know he truly loves me. I believe him when he says it.  But I can't go all-in with him, I just feel like there are a million things in the way.  Anyway, I'm trying to just remain supportive and be there for him right now.  We can reassess when I come home, but I don't have a good feeling about it.

I've been trying to catch up on everyone's blogs, but feedly had a major bug when google reader shut down.  Everything is working again, but I'm wayyyyyyyy behind on Peri's blogs and Lulu's videos.

Today I am returning to Paris and then visiting Pauline's boyfriend in Munich.  He is working there for the summer.  Her sister and sisters's boyfriend, and two of our other friends are all joining us.  Should be a good, easy weekend.  I still have more than 6 weeks before I have to start my real life, and I'm trying to just let my brain rest and my soul heal.  I've been having lots of good talks with Popi's mom and grandmother.  It helps.  And I've been applying for many, many jobs.  I had an interview this week and will hopefully hear soon.

Time for a deep breath and a few cups of tea.  I can't help but think, every time I look in the mirror, that I am so huge.  I know I'm not morbidly obese, but I hate hate hate that feeling of being at the high end of my normal fluctuation.  I always want to be below my lowest.  Especially here, where so many people are thin.  Even my French grammie told me yesterday not to eat so much.  And on top of that, it's summer and very hot here... You can't wear pants and sweaters.

Sigh.  Trying not to be ungrateful and get out of my own head.