tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51634898580387450302024-03-14T00:29:59.464-07:00Je mourrais d'être mincedésespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.comBlogger274125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-59300925669251345972019-11-15T08:27:00.001-08:002019-11-15T08:27:38.123-08:00The world is upside downWhen I last posted in July, I was going on and on about postpartum life. I hardly remember if I had ever even mentioned the fact that my mom was ill.<br />
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In November 2017, my mom discovered that she had cholangeocarcinoma (bile duct cancer). The nature of this cancer is that it is always terminal. It's just a question of when.<br />
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Well, after a little less than two years of horrendous chemotherapy, another cross-country move, and then months loving on her first and only grandbaby, my mom died... two weeks to the day after we had our "last hurrah" trip to Paris together.<br />
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My mom wasn't perfect, but all in all, we had a great relationship. Even though my dad is left behind, I feel orphaned.<br />
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This huge thing happened, but the world literally keeps on turning and you have no choice but to go through the motions and continue.<br />
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I'm not sure what else to say other than I am incredibly sad and hurting. And even though I choose to believe she is in a better afterlife, I wish people would stop telling me "she's in a better place." Yes, I agree in principle, but I still want her here... with me... you know?désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-32906156400513165272019-07-24T09:23:00.000-07:002019-07-24T09:23:01.969-07:00Some recent thoughtsMy post-partum body is something I'm struggling to understand. I actually enjoyed being pregnant, for the most part. It wasnt until the end where I was truly uncomfortable and tired of not being able to tie my l shoes or take a deep breath. The tension between rapidly gaining approximately 40 😳 pounds and incubating a precious human, all the while being told by the midwives not too put on too much weight, resulted in a ton of internal turmoil and guilt. But then, in the end, after a traumatic birth, I finally held my tiny baby in my arms and that guilt melted away... for a while.<br />
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While I was breastfeeding (December until June), the weight came off easily in the beginning and then sort of stalled. I tried not to feel to guilty about it. But now, about a month after I stopped, I know I will never get down to my pre-pregnancy weight if I do not take some drastic action. In France, where my husband is from, there is an expectation to be back to your old (skinny) self in just three months. I'm now going on 8 months and still have 12 pounds to go to what I weighed before Jane was born, and my true (realistic) goal is a BMI of 20-21 (130-134) pounds, which seems miles and miles away... sidenote, yes yes yes I know BMI is flawed and terrible and not meant for individuals, but it's a frame of reference nevertheless...<br />
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I am trying my damndest not to pass on any of these absurd neuroses and weight obsessions to Jane. That means I my "drastic" measures still need to be tempered and stealthy. I've started by cutting the vast majority of snacks, reducing my breakfast and lunch portions, drinking a ton more daytime coffee, and eschewing alcohol unless I'm in a social situation. Gosh it would be so much easier if I lived alone, though I suppose I would have never been pregnant to begin with if that were the case... and when I was alone, the last time I was skinny was in 2012... annnnnyway... the last major component is adding back some exercise. <br />
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I worked out at my local gym (HIIT classes) until I was 36 weeks and couldn't move about so easily. With my work schedule, wanting to are my husband, and navigating the baby's needs and childcare, I haven't been able to make time for the gym. I mean, I could, but it would basically mean seeing Jane for an hour a day. As it is now, she gets up between 6:30-7, I get up at 6:15, get ready and leave by 7:50 (so that's about an hour with me running around and us going on a short morning walk). My husband works from.home and has her all day. At the earliest, I get home at 5:10 and then she is asleep by 7:30. If I went to the gym, I'd be home at 6:45. Its doable, but unfair to my husband and to Jane.<br />
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My new running shoes just arrived last week, and now that the heatwave is over, I am ready to take them out for a spin. Bless my husband, who tried to gently "shame" me when I didnt get out of bed and go running this morning. I know he means well. So tomorrow, I just have to do it. If I could just manage for a few days, I'm sure I could make a habit of it.<br />
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So that's that.<br />
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How and where is everyone? I'm having a hard time replying to comments or commenting on blogs from my phone. I have multiple Google "identities" and can't seem to be able to get the browser to stick with the one I use for this blog. So thanks to those of you who commented on my last post.<br />
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I would love to know where some of my old blog friends are... Ruby, Mich, Miranda, Peri, Eloise, Sam Lupin, Lulu, Bella, Aye Ell, & Avy...<br />
<!--/data/user/0/com.samsung.android.app.notes/files/share/clipdata_190724_122208_189.sdoc-->désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-38960237219214949592019-07-20T08:26:00.002-07:002019-07-20T08:26:13.566-07:00I guess it's been a while...Hi, is anyone still out there?<br />
<br />
So much has changed since my last post in 2016. To make a long story incredibly short, I am now a mother to a sweet seven-month-old girl and my.own mother has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. My little Jane is the most precious, wonderful baby. I know the trope is that every mom feels "so lucky to be *insert baby's name here*'s mother"... but honestly, it fills me with wonder. As for my mom, we are just taking it day-by-day, because what else can you do?<br />
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But of course, back to our regularly scheduled programming... I obviously gained quite a bit during the pregnancy. It honestly did not freak me out that much, since I knew if was for a good cause and that clearly it would come off afterwards. Except, now more than seven months later, I am still 13 pounds heavier than when I got pregnant, and *GULP* 30 pounds more than even my most unambitious goal.<br />
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Now that I am finished breast-feeding, I've decided it is time to get serious. I've generally been trying to reduce my calorie intake... replacing a meal or snack here with a cup of coffee there. I currently have no time for the gym with working/mom life, but I just got a new pair of running shoes. As soon as this horrific heatwave is finished (I'm looking at you, 95 degrees with 80% humidity!) I have to start sacrificing sleep for miles.<br />
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I wish I knew a better way, but old habits die hard.désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-70829741059321969602016-05-26T15:02:00.000-07:002016-05-26T15:02:18.841-07:00I know, I knowIt's been ages... but I think it's a good thing, to be honest.<br />
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I just feel pretty great overall. I don't feel the need to obsessively restrict or hate on my body nearly as often as I had in the past, oh, almost ten years. On the flip side, I am consistently the heaviest I have ever been, but so much of me is tired of caring. It's exhausting to be pre-occupied in that way.<br />
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That being said, at the slightest hint of serious stress or conflict, my mind immediately races to restriction and fixates on my thighs. <br />
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One of my colleagues started dieting earlier this year. It's been three months so far and she has lost fifteen pounds. She just needs a modest diet with no sweets or excess sugar during the week. On the weekends, she allows herself to drink a bit of wine and eat some dessert if she wants. Like me, she just has to be a bit strict in order to maintain a healthy weight. She doesn't find it constricting, it's just a lifestyle shift. I feel like I can do that. I suppose that is how weight loss is supposed to work in the first place... all of the disordered behaviors and fad diets never really support a healthy life anyway... I know I am preaching to the choir here.<br />
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And in other life news, my husband and I just celebrated our first wedding anniversary and we managed to buy the cutest little house. It is small, but it is ours, and we are truly enjoying transforming it into our home.<br />
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So that is about it. I will continue to post from time to time, since I think there might just be a few stragglers out there who care enough to pop in and check this blog. I am even trying to limit myself in reading blogs in this community these days because I feel like they trigger me... but then I am so attached to the bunch of you that I really cannot abandon the community altogether. Usually, when I read a post that moves me to respond, I shoot an email or text if I can. I certainly do still care, so don't think I have forgotten about anyone.désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-43922991155228169012016-03-07T10:32:00.001-08:002016-03-07T10:32:18.560-08:00Changes for a new season<div style="font-size: 11px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I honestly have not really attempted any sort of organized diet or conscious effort to curb my absurd eating habits in over a year.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">But I guess the glow of my newly-wedded life might be fading now and I am tired of feeling heavy and round and out of shape.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">In my defense, I am still rather active - I run one average twice a week and am usually going to the gym another two times. But when you compare that to my super-health-conscious, pre-Benjamin life, it's pathetic. From 2011 to 2013, I ran on average six days a week. Now, because I am heavier and out of shape, even twice a week seems like a burden.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">And then there's the issue of my closet. I am terrified to bring out last year's spring and summer clothes only to discover that nothing fits. Can I just keep wearing sweaters all summer?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">So this week I am taking some initiative. My husband is away in South Africa (any tips, <a href="http://zerointentions.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Piggy</a>? He's in Cape Town!) until Sunday. I have no social commitments at all this week. So today I am shooting for under 1,000 calories and I will definitely go to the gym. Tomorrow is supposed to be lovely, so I should have a repeat low-calorie day and I feel encouraged to get outside for run and enjoy the good weather. All of that can easily continue until Friday. I think it's going to rain and I am babysitting... so unless I can be super motivated to wake up early, I'll have to skip the running/gym altogether and make up for it on Saturday. I know we are having pizza for lunch on Sunday for my friend's birthday - I can get away with two small slices and salad for dinner. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I have my overdue annual exam with my OB/GYN scheduled for the first week of April. I MUST lose weight by then. Ideally, I want to be 140, but I think realistically I can reach 145 (a number, that as I type it, makes me absolutely cringe. There was a long time when I swore up and down that I would never, ever, ever be over 140... UGH). I am also going to make a more conscious effort to eat mostly vegan. Dairy products and eggs have really crept back into my life (that's what you get for marrying a Frenchie) and while I think its ok to eat them in moderation, I would like them to be more like seasoning, instead of star players. And finally, I am going to reinforce my "no alcohol during the week" and add "no restaurant/non home-made food during the week." In addition to it saving calories, we can also save some money (which is important since we are in the midst of buying our first home!). There really is no reason for us to go out during the week, since my husband travels approximately two weeks out of the month and also could use some good, healthy food when he's home. Mainly, I need to be more organized with meal planning to accomplish this. So when he is here, I can at the very least control the ingredients and portion sizes, since meal-skipping is not really an option (and isn't a good option to begin with).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I know that is not a very solid plan, but it is a good start, no?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Part of the reasoning is that I am quite ashamed of my body and what has happened to it. But there is also a large part that knows that gaining weight is not good for me at its core. I am not striving to be underweight or to starve myself. I just know that sensible "dieting" never works for me. In order to lose weight, I need to take more drastic measures. I am sure this must sound familiar for some of you, no? Calorie counting/hyper caffeination begins again today. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Side notes... Congratulations <a href="http://andthenshedisappeared.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Ruby</a> on your purge-free streak! And Happy Birthday, <a href="http://mylifewithedanamia.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Lou</a>! And I hope you're feeling much, much better, <a href="http://bella-anorexia.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Bella</a>.</span></div>
désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-11383457395743028392015-12-16T07:27:00.001-08:002015-12-16T07:27:26.781-08:00Hey, over here!<div class="M j Ti Gi" role=" " tabindex="0" style="-webkit-user-select: text; padding: 0px 10px 10px; text-shadow: none !important;"><div class="Sh" style="margin-right: 0px;"><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">So where have I been?</span></div><div class="Sh" style="margin-right: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div class="Sh" style="margin-right: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Yes, I know it’s been a while.</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I suppose it is actually a good thing that I haven’t felt the need to haunt around here too much in the past months.</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">In all, my posting has been sporadic for more than a year, but the reasons for that are good ones.</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Not good in the sense that they are well justified, but good in a way that my life is feeling complete and fulfilling enough to leave me feeling whole and supported.</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Good in a way that I no longer break down in tears over the fact that my pants don’t fit or the number on the scale is much too high.</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">It’s still a relatively new feeling, but I certainly like it.</span></div></div><div id="cvcmsgbod_151ab5d39b30c2ec" class="Ui" style="-webkit-user-select: text; margin: 0px 10px; clear: both;"><div class="Hi" style="padding: 0px 0px 15px;"><div class="Mi" style="overflow: visible;"><div class="Ni" style="height: 2368px;"><div class="Zh" style="height: 2368px;"><div class="ii ji Yh" dir="ltr" style="overflow: hidden;"><div dir="ltr"><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I don’t want to give all of the credit to my husband for this revolution in my thoughts, but it is obvious that he is the biggest positive influence. Getting older and maybe a little wiser is surely helping too. Of course I would still love to be much, much thinner. Of course I still get insanely jealous when I see girls who are thinner and more beautiful than I. Of course I have moments of sadness and frustration when I realize that just a few years ago I was fifteen pounds lighter, thinner, and in better shape. But then I realize that my life can still be happy and full without those things; that my ability to contribute good things into the world is not contingent on my dress size. It feels good to be appreciated and loved for who I am and what I have to offer. Everyone deserves to feel that way and it’s the greatest crime in the world that so many people go through life without that. And that’s not to say that I think this feeling needs to come from a husband or wife or girlfriend or boyfriend. I think our blood relatives and friends (the family we choose!) can play the same supporting roles. The feeling of unconditional love and support leaves you at the same time more vulnerable and open (in a good way) and well as stronger to give your best to others. It’s honestly an amazing thing and incredibly protective against the horrible negative thoughts that plague so many of us around here. (Disclaimer: I am certainly not trying to claim that having good relationships will fix all ED struggles or related mental illnesses… but good relationships certainly help and maybe for me, a person not too deeply consumed, it is enough to keep me healthy)</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">So my wish for all of my community sisters (and brothers if you’re out there!) in this holiday season and upcoming New Year if for everyone to have a life filled with love and support. While that love may often present itself in challenging and at times difficult ways, I hope you can be open to receiving the love you deserve. When I think back to the years I have lost self-loathing and the sort of horrible self-hatred I often read on our blogs, it honestly makes me sad. I know there is more to life than that. We all deserve love and some measure of happiness. So to make it through the holidays, please try and love yourself; ultimately, you are the one who has to protect you and fight for you. And when your friends and family try to show you their love and care – be open to receiving it. You deserve it! And if you feel like you have no one, please know that this is not true. This community proves that you are not alone and that you are loved. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">It’s incredible to me that I can feel like I truly know and love girls who are literally across the country (Lulu! Miranda!) and the world (Ruby! Bella! Piggy! Peri! Cursum Perficio! Avy!), or even around the corner (Mich!) who I’ve never met in person. My heart breaks and swells when I read your posts or get your emails. I feel genuinely invested in your lives over the years, even if our communication is sporadic and mostly electronic. I hope you don’t find me phony or shallow. I want the very, very best for all of you.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">So I suppose that is what is new around here and a good way to wrap up the year for now. All the best for the rest of December and to a healthy, blessed, and love-filled 2016.</span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div></div>désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-16647329606944387702015-08-16T11:44:00.001-07:002015-08-17T19:49:46.501-07:00One week to goMy husband is arriving a week from tomorrow. I still find it odd to call him my "husband." And it's stranger still to realize that my days alone in my little house are over. Surely, I am looking forwar to it, but it is still a strange prospect. I've been living independently for some time. On top of that, I have never shared a bedroom or been in close quarters with anyone for ore than a few months. I suppose it's equally scary and exciting.<div><br></div><div>Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately, depending on your perspective), I have managed to mostly maintain my cool through this stress and not resort to restriction and self loathing. My weight hasn't budged a bit, which makes me horribly sad, but it's good that it's not consuming my life. I know already that I am nervous about eating around Benjamin day in and day out. I don't eat like most people and I'm nervous to adapt. If I was smarter, I would have tried to adapt already. I would have been eating much less and simply square meals these past few months. If I had done that, I'm sure my wedding dress would be loose and I would, at the very least, feel more comfortable in my body.</div><div><br></div><div>On the upside of all this, in preparation for my best friend's wedding in October, three of us (including the bride) started Insanity at the beginning of the month. I've done it before (and was in the best shape of my life, at the same time I started dating Benjamin) and so far, so good. It has only been two weeks, but maybe it will change something.</div><div><br></div><div>I am trying to enjoy the last bit of summer. I haven't taken advantage of it, honestly. I spend most of my time indoors instead of out on the patio enjoying a glass of rosé. I suppose buying a new car might count? I managed to find and afford an adorable red Fiat. It isn't often that I do anything simply for pleasure... This was the closest I'll get, since it was mostly for fun with a healthy dose of practicality thrown in.</div><div><br></div><div>My next post might not be for a bit (not that I post very often anyway). I hope you are all well, or at least stable. </div>désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-10856318965104911512015-07-21T19:44:00.001-07:002015-07-21T19:44:58.274-07:00So slowI went to a local trail running group tonight. 4.5 miles in the mud and rain. It would have been a ton of fun if I wasn't almost last, insanely out of shape, and horribly fat.<div><br></div><div>There is no one to blame but myself.</div><div><br></div><div>I have to do something.</div><div><br></div><div>Now.</div>désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-47666503083778131842015-07-11T13:36:00.000-07:002015-07-11T13:36:31.945-07:00Dealing with stressThe past few weeks have been full of stress, and old habits are starting to creep back.<br />
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Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I am not resulting to over-exercising. I am quite out of shape at the moment, and combining that with being way too busy, I have only carved out a bit of time for a bit of biking and running and yoga. Most nights I have simply been too tired when I arrive home to bother going to the gym. Of course I then feel insanely guilty and my self-destructive thoughts are reinforced.<br />
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Work has been crazy for more than a month... which is ok. I do like to be busy and I am working on great projects. This week, I directed an emergency training exercise with evaluators from our state agency, hospitals, the Red Cross, and more than twenty-five staff members and volunteers. For the most part, everything went off without a hitch and my boss and the state evaluators were thrilled with the exercise. Its nice to see your planning and efforts some to fruition. But, since I have several more pressing projects, I need to write myself a detailed schedule to prepare for the next six weeks before Benjamin arrives (more on that in a moment).<br />
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Personally, my life has been fine with the exception of missing my husband and trying to support a friend through a VERY difficult time. It is hard to be strong and supportive for her when the situation is so challenging and depressing. I am trying my absolute best to be there for her, but she has made a handful of bad choices in addition to being dealt a crappy hand at the game of life. I hope that something starts looking up for her soon... in the meantime, it makes me viciously miss my husband... I just want to talk to him in bed before we fall asleep and have someone to give me a big hug when it all makes me so sad that I cry. It makes me miss my family a lot too, since many of her problems stem from her toxic parents and how they have really messed up her ability to have normal relationships and be independent. My parents and I do not always get along perfectly, but the situation makes me incredibly grateful to have loving, supportive parents. It is hard to realize how lucky you are when a good family is your normal.<br />
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As a result... and maybe it is a good sign that I so quickly recognize that the stress + loneliness = weird eating patterns... old habits have been resurfacing. Nothing major... skipping a breakfast here, enjoying a rumbling stomach there. I haven't bothered to see if I have lost any weight - though I doubt it. It would be nice, but I want to try and hang onto healthy, even if it still makes me super sad that I am too heavy and too many of my beautiful clothes don't fit.<br />
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Not really sure where I am going with all of this...<br />
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Benjamin arrives soon. August 24th to be exact. While it would be lovely to have jet-setted to France to being our new life, it makes much more economic and practical sense for us to begin here. So for the time being, I will have to be satisfied with a trip or two to Europe every year and my beautiful, kind, French husband by my side here in the States. We are obviously so fortunate, so I wouldn't dare complain. At this point, we are simply so excited to be on the same continent, that it wouldn't matter if we were in France, America, or Siberia.<br />
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It is weird to be excited and stressed and sad and hopeful and hating my body all at once. I suppose it is fortunate that the positive thoughts mostly beat out the negative ones, but I feel like I will never be able to let go of the desire to be thin. I didn't know how good I had it when I was easily and consistently fifteen pounds smaller. Even then, I was sure I was fat. Now that I actually am, I lust after the past and have trepidations for the future. What if the feeling goes away? What if I am never comfortable in my own skin? What if I am doomed to a life of trying to be thin and never achieving the goal? It's a bit heavy (pun intended?) to think about.<br />
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I miss writing here and interacting with everyone. I's my own fault for neglecting the space. How is everyone? désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-84153219333591673552015-06-09T03:24:00.001-07:002015-06-09T04:47:37.519-07:00We did!So there you have it, I'm a married lady now. I left my husband behind in France after our lovely (until the last four days when I got horrific food poisoning) trip across the Alps and am back to reality.<br />
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I miss him terribly, but we only have to wait 10 more weeks.</div>
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Oh, and at least falling terribly I'll led me to return five pounds lighter. Silver lining?</div>
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désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-79971155981781343862015-05-16T10:24:00.001-07:002015-05-16T10:24:18.287-07:00Get me to the church on timeI am getting married... on Tuesday...<br />
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How about that?désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-40750436420671034272015-04-18T15:07:00.004-07:002015-04-18T15:07:58.980-07:00Exactly<a href="http://www.garancedore.fr/en/2015/04/15/the-mirror/" target="_blank">English</a> / <a href="http://www.garancedore.fr/2015/04/15/the-mirror/" target="_blank">Français</a><br />
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I feel like I could have written that post.<br />
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The comments are also insightful - they range from pure agreement to disbelief that a single photo could so radically change one's perspective.<br />
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For the record, I think there are quite serious undertones of disordered thinking in this post, but I nevertheless cannot disagree with Garance's sentiments.désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-42766809868964114552015-04-09T18:32:00.001-07:002015-04-09T18:32:51.020-07:00UntilI was doing fine.<div><br></div><div>Until...</div><div><br></div><div>I put on my wedding dress for the first time since I bought it.</div><div><br></div><div>My wedding is a month away...</div><div><br></div><div>I guess it doesn't make a difference, but I wonder if I could survive without eating until May 19...</div>désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-1465522049344380702015-03-15T09:15:00.001-07:002015-03-15T09:15:40.454-07:00At this momentI have been feeling so good and free and nonchalant. It has been such a long time since I exhibited any kind of disordered behaviors. I eat normal meals and even decadent treats without feeling guilty for the first time in ten years.<br />
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But then, it hits me like a ton of bricks. I feel so insanely large and uncomfortable in my own skin. Undeserving of the beautiful love of my fiancé. Unworthy of this wedding celebration in two months. Who wants to look at a fat girl in a white dress? The whole idea of standing in front of even just my small handful of people and having them look at my gluttonous body makes me want to cry.</div>
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Why must these thoughts continue to haunt me? Rationally, I full well know that my worth as a person is not inversely proportions to my mass. So why is it so easy for my to convince myself it's true?</div>
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I am tired of wavering between satisfaction and disgust... with my clothes not fitting... with crying over a candid photograph.</div>
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And yet, I know this is essentially all in my head. My body is a clinically healthy size that is capable of great things, but I wish it could be capable of those things while taking up significantly less space. I continue to delude myself that shrinking will make my problems disappear... When we all know that's not true. </div>
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We all deserve health and happiness, even you... even me... but how do we get there? Healthy minds and healthy bodies, indefinitely?</div>
désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-55944593643816432962015-02-05T05:03:00.001-08:002015-02-05T05:03:18.164-08:00I mustI realized that it is almost one year since I have been at this horribly high (and I thought abnormal for me... but after a year, well, I don't know?) weight.<br />
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I can't take it anymore.<br />
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I'm getting married in May. My dress looks sort of fine except that my arms are enormous - which no amount of weight lifting or push ups or Insanity is going to fix.<br />
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I must lose weight.<br />
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I must be back in the low 130s.<br />
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(Even that number is absurdly high... so what does that make my current weight? Whale-size?)<br />
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I have no choice.<br />
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I must.<br />
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<br />désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-57017492410492742932015-01-11T07:03:00.000-08:002015-01-11T07:03:01.449-08:00Another year has gone by<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
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Happy new year!</div>
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I have a bit of news to share...</div>
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So there's that. Now we are in the midst of planning a teeny tiny wedding and worrying about immigration. My holidays in France and London were wonderful and I was able to relax and enjoy being with Benjamin for two whole weeks (which is an eternity for us). It's amazing that 2014 whizzed by at such an amazing pace.</div>
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But where am I now? Well, I started work again and am traveling to visit my parents/brothers/sister-in-law next week on the West Coast. I need to begin training for my half marathon at the end of March and I am extremely (perhaps worse than ever?) unhappy with the state of my body. I am still trying desperately to not spiral into a dark period of restriction and misery, but part of me feels like it is inevitable. I can't imagine standing in front of my friends in my pretty white dress and being fat. I don't want to have the most important photographs of my lifetime document this body. I must be thinner. I just must be thinner.</div>
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I hate how unhealthy my thoughts have already become. Why can't I be one of those people who never gives their weight a second thought. Who is healthy and happy and satisfied with their strength and abilities and flaws... Maybe that will never be me. Does anyone else ever feel this way? </div>
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Furthermore, I was discussing my sedentary lifestyle with Benjamin this morning. It is so discouraging that after seven years in university, where I ran between work and class and walked all over campus and the small town where I lived, that I have lost my normal daily activity. Sure, I can exercise, and I do, but living in the countryside and working in an office is surely taking a toll on my health and have an immense negative influence on my weight.</div>
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All of this makes me stressed. Add in the tiny wedding and immigration issue ($5k+ to hired a lawyer to sort out a green card! Yikes!) and I am already starting to feel overwhelmed. I downloaded the Lose It app (which I know will make me obsessive, but I did it despite my better judgement) to record how much I am taking in and finally get a handle on all of this. </div>
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I don't know. I just don't know. On one hand I am so happy to be embarking on this wonderful, amazing life adventure. On the other, I am so dissatisfied with me.</div>
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désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-35176509686962085022014-12-11T07:49:00.001-08:002014-12-11T07:49:28.228-08:00I take it back I want to take back everything I said in my last post.<br />
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I am so fat and my clothes don't fit<br />
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Enough is enough. Restricting feels like my only solution.désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-81100504637783092492014-12-04T14:39:00.003-08:002014-12-04T14:39:38.003-08:00Do I keep going? Keep writing?As most of you know, I have been sort of neglecting this blog as of late. I sit down and read through my daily feed, filled with genuine care and concern for the young women I have come to know through this community. I don't comment much - usually because of a technological inconvenience, which is hardly a valid excuse. And when it comes to writing, well, maybe my heart is not really in it at the moment? Maybe I no longer need this outlet as I once did?<br />
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My life has finally settled into some sort of homeostasis and stability. I love my job. I live in an affordable, cute, albeit quirky place with my darling little cat. I have time for my favorite hobbies of knitting and running (though I have not been running much, more on that later). My beloved Frenchman comes to visit regularly and I have traveled to France four times this year. With this exception of my ridiculously high weight, I really cannot complain about my life. Granted, there are snags here and there, but if feels good to be emotionally and relatively financially stable. I feel content in my little life for now and I am generally happy.<br />
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So where does this leave my little diary of a blog?<br />
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I know I mentioned meeting with a nutritionist back at the beginning of October. I saw her twice and I have two skype-date follow-up appointments for this month and next. She has given me wise (but perhaps obvious) advice and strategies for getting my eating under control without feeling obsessive and disordered. I lost a few pounds when I started seeing her, but then I gained them back when Benjamin was here. And yet, despite the fact that I am displeased with my current figure and frustrated that my clothes do not fit, I am somehow not freaking out. Of course I have bad days where I have cried and pinched my fat and bemoaned what I have done to this body. But for the most part, I have stopped compulsively getting on the scale and berating myself. I have eaten dessert and drank delicious wine. I have lapsed in my exercise habits (There is no dayliiiight! And it is cold! And it snowed last week!) but I am merely disappointed in losing fitness, not the fact that I neglected to burn X calories on a 5-mile run. <br />
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It is fascinating to me to be in a relatively healthy headspace. Much of that is because my life had sort of settled into a decent routine, and the other portion is being in a supportive, healthy relationship. <br />
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So what do I do with this little blog? My life is not really remarkable, so there is not much to report on there. Maybe I am just putting pressure on myself to write something worthwhile and no one else really gives a damn. So should I close it altogether? I love keeping up with everyone and always wonder what happens to those ladies who eventually stop writing and sort of disappear. I always hope they have found peace and recovery. I am not really sure what I want to do. When I felt the most disordered, I was compelled to write and have people who truly understood me read my words. But now... I don't know... Maybe I have outgrown this space. <br />
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We will see what I decide to do. Maybe this content feeling is temporary and I will go on a downswing if I gain more weight, or if something disrupts my little happy bubble. And then there is that teensy tiny voice in the back of my head that actually misses being compulsive and having disordered habits - mainly because they work, even if they are unhealthy and unsustainable. I guess that is not really a sign of total mental health, is it? But the voice is tiny and I really do not pay it much attention.<br />
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Not much other news except that I am quite sure I'll be getting engaged at Christmas and I am spending New Year's Eve in London. Hooray for the little happy moments, right? I hope everyone is well. I truly do.désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-46535936771171094012014-11-11T12:08:00.001-08:002014-11-11T12:08:48.020-08:00Another month has passedSo I have had two meetings with my nutritionist. I am not absolutely positive that seeing her is worth all of the money I am paying out of pocket, but she is helping me find coping strategies and approach weight loss in a healthy way. When I talk to her it is like therapy, so perhaps it is worth it after all. <br />
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In the first two weeks after my initial appointment, things were going really well. I have been eating a huge breakfast, which is a first for me. I take a big scoop of oatmeal and cook it with water, add fruit and hemp seeds, or nuts. I actually struggle to finish the bowl, but my nutritionist said I am not getting enough protein or fat in the morning, which is leaving me unbalanced and too hungry later. So far, so good - it has prevented my midday snacking and I have lost a few pounds (though that has stagnated, so we'll talk about that in a bit)... Additionally, she told me I need to just eat bigger meals in general. When she looked at my intake form, she said I was not eating enough, and that I should adjust to eat a bit more protein. She said I'm not protein deficient, but that I will be more satisfied if I eat more. I have been making an effort on this one, but I still have two big struggles - work lunches with colleagues and not planning ahead.<br />
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I saw her for another follow up appointment on Saturday and she suggested a few things. She gave me a long list of good products to keep on hand in the event that I need to throw together a quick meal if I didn't plan ahead well. She also thinks I should buy a rice cooker. The theory here is that I can cook a bowl of grains, like brown rice, quinoa, or a variety of others, and have it to base meals around for most of the week. Most of the advice she has given me so far is truly common sense, but for some reason I needed her to tell me. I know that when I try to lose weight, I go kind of insane. Additionally, seeing her has led me to open up a little bit about my weird eating patterns and stress to a couple of friends. Benjamin is already privy to much of that information, but it is good to have other people understand as well.<br />
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This week, I am also trying to find my running groove. After essentially two months of running infrequently and sporadically, I want to stay motivated through the winter and fall back in love with running. I had a good run on Sunday, and I plan to go in a little while to run on my favorite trail.<br />
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As for the rest of my life... well, Benjamin is arrive on the 21st, which is wonderful. My parents moved to the West coast, so it is a bit odd to be left behind. I have been incredibly busy at work (Ebola has derailed everything!) and am trying to make sure I have down time and enough hours to a lot to knitting. I am in total elf mode, preparing for the upcoming holidays.<br />
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That is the long and short of it. My life is pretty stable, for the most part, since I have my little house and job and weekly activities. I just need to put some attention into being kind to myself and taking care of my body. Seems simple, right?<br />
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Oh, and I am not pregnant. <br />
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<br />désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-76803855136949758922014-10-04T15:12:00.001-07:002014-10-04T15:12:19.858-07:00Just breatheI really have become such a sporadic writer around here in the last year or so.<div>
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So...</div>
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The last month was a mix of ups and downs. On the 6th of September, Benjamin arrived. On the 7th, I crashed and burned at my marathon (really, it was an utter disaster). Then we spent two blissful weeks going to a wedding, seeing movies, hanging out with his parents, hanging out with my parents, having important conversations, and drinking wine. On the 20th, I drove him back to the airport and off to France he went. I spent the next several days crying off and on. I went to another wedding without my date, but still managed to have a great time (despite a minor crisis the morning of the event where I had nothing to wear, since I have gained weight and nothing fits). I finally set up an appointment with a nutritionist and am going to see her on Wednesday (more on that in a bit) and ran twice this week. I have also been riding my bike to work on occasion. Oh, and to top it off, yesterday I was in a complete panic when I realized that I had finished my pack of birth control one week ago and still has not started my period. I usually get it two days after the pack is finished. I took a pregnancy test and it is negative. I am just going to wait another week, if it does not appear I will visit the doctor for a consultation and possible blood test.</div>
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So here we are.</div>
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I am insanely nervous about meeting this nutritionist on Wednesday. She had an eating disorder when she was younger and currently specializes in nutritional counseling for plant-based diets and those who have emotional issues/disordered eating patterns. Her intake/history form was approximately six pages and it was difficult to be honest. But, I know I need to be honest, because my body is out of control at the moment. I cannot have another breakdown in my room when I realize that all of my beautiful clothes no longer fit or I get on the scale and see a horrific number that I swore I would never see in my life. I am also trying to be reasonable and rational and approach this with help. I know that if I do not have someone's help, I will end up fasting and restricting and being more miserable than I am at the moment. I am a bit proud that I am trying to address this in a healthy way, for once.</div>
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For the rest of the weekend, since yesterday was just a whole bundle of stress, I am trying to relax a bit. I cleaned and did some laundry, ran a few errands, and treated myself to a soy latte and new yarn. I have been knitting up a storm lately. I wish I could socialize with someone, anyone tonight... it would be better than being alone for the second evening in a row. For the most part, being sad and stressed makes me want to be in another human's presence, not isolate myself. Or at least, the isolation makes me feel worse, not better... I don't know. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a horrible place, yesterday was just complicated. Fortunately, Benjamin is amazing. He was calm and reasonable, as always, and did not seem scared in the slightest. He just said if I end up being pregnant, we will adapt and it will be great (not fine, but great). Bless him.</div>
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Just trying to remind myself to breathe.</div>
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désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-10457216856287216742014-09-01T08:49:00.000-07:002014-09-01T08:49:25.721-07:00I saw my mother this morning and the last thing she said before I left my parents' house...<br />
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"Those shorts really do not look good from the back."<br />
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Thanks mom, I already knew I looked super fat.<br />
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"Would you rather not know?" she said.<br />
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I guess I would rather no one say it out loud, that's all.<br />
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<br />désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-12935499386663636552014-08-29T04:33:00.000-07:002014-08-29T04:33:04.214-07:00<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #776862; font-family: Raleway; font-size: 16px; line-height: 26px; orphans: 4;">"You can have a great relationship with food, a restored relationship with your own body, and many years of recovery behind you and </span><em style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #776862; font-family: Raleway; font-size: 16px; line-height: 26px; margin: 0px; orphans: 4; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">still</em><span style="background-color: white; color: #776862; font-family: Raleway; font-size: 16px; line-height: 26px; orphans: 4;"> feel triggered by what I call 'food noise': that great nimbus of conversation that includes, but is not limited to, detoxes, weight loss initiatives, slim downs, tone ups, dietary reboots, and/or lessons in why a particular food is the devil, or why a bite of some other suspect ingredient is sure to make you fat, sick, and nearly dead. And if you’re anything like me, the fact that these moments make you feel anxious becomes yet another source of grief, because there’s nothing more frustrating than realizing that you’re just a little more tender and vulnerable than you thought you were."</span></blockquote>
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<a href="http://www.choosingraw.com/tuning-out-food-noise/">http://www.choosingraw.com/tuning-out-food-noise/</a><br />
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Please read this article, I think it will resonate with many of you.<br />
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This is the nutritionist I plan to meet with in October. I need to get a handle on my relationship with food, since overall it really isn't very healthy. At the moment, I am the heaviest I have been in years and I had another break down last night when I realized that my running is not going that well because of injuries/I cannot burn enough calories because I cannot run enough/my boyfriend is coming in a week and I am enormous. Reading this helped bring me back to earth for a minute.désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-62891857309525061832014-08-17T18:57:00.005-07:002014-08-17T18:57:55.738-07:00I have so many clothes that do not fit.<div>
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I just measures my hips and they are almost 40 inches. Yes, 4-0. </div>
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I cried. </div>
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I am slipping into a deep loathing for my body again.</div>
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désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-54622307927622537492014-07-26T04:43:00.004-07:002014-07-26T04:43:55.071-07:00Why did I do this to myself?I have been too afraid to get on the scale for a few weeks now. I know I have gained and I have a routine I like to go through before I weigh, which hasn't been possible if I need to do it before I go to work.<br />
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Well, I finally weighed today.<br />
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And yes, I gained.<br />
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<b>And yes, it is the highest number I have seen since 2008.</b><br />
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I just want to cry.<br />
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<b>How did I let this happen? Why did I do this to myself?</b><br />
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Anyway, I have to run 16 miles this morning. Hopefully that will help me feel a little better.désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5163489858038745030.post-40060678868645439812014-07-22T10:52:00.003-07:002014-07-22T10:52:42.214-07:00All over the placeMy life is all over the place right now. Combine that with the fact that I have not written a thing in more than a month, and I think we may have a long post to come...<br />
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Let's go back to the half-marathon in June. To be honest, it was a complete disaster! I am not really sure exactly what happened, because I felt mostly prepared and very good the day of the race, but before I even reached the second mile the whole thing went the pieces. My legs were on fire from before the second mile marker, and not in the sense that I felt unstoppable. No, I just had pain everywhere. Everywhere. By the time I reached mile six, I was sure I could never finish, so I just needed to make it to the midway, turn-around point and I could exit the trail. Unfortunately, when I reached the mid-point, there was no way to exit the trail and drop out of the race. So I turned around and thought that I could go back to the last aid station and drop out there. Well, somewhere around mile eight, my legs finally loosened up. By that time it was hot and humid and I was sort of shuffling along and walking a bit, as opposed to running. I started to pick up the pace and then take a few walk breaks (I was starting to think I might seriously injure myself and derail my entire marathon training program) and finished in just under 2:20. My personal best for a half marathon is 1:52, so obviously I was incredibly discouraged.<br />
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Since the race my training has been going ok. Not great, but I am making my way through the program. I had been suffering from anterior shin splints and some serious tightness/tendonitis in the backs of my lower legs/achilles tendon area. I have been incorporating a bit of swimming and recently changed shoes. Hopefully, the small changes I made will help get me through the last 5 weeks of my training and I will be ready on September 7. I am quite certain, however, that I will run this race slower than my last in 2012. I have lost speed on my regular easy runs. I used to feel comfortable at anywhere between 8:30 and 8:50-minute mile paces and now even running under 9:00 miles feels like it takes work. I guess time will tell.<br />
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At the end of June I spent a week in France, which was incredible. We toured the Bordeaux region and stayed in Sauternes. Our B&B was in the middle of a prestigious vineyard and we had an amazing time biking around and drinking wine. The night before I left, we watched the Germany-France World Cup with some friends and then it was time for me to sadly return to the United States. Fortunately, Benjamin will be here in September and we will finally have the opportunity to spend two weeks as a normal, real couple. We are not traveling, I only took a few days off of work, we are running the marathon and going to a wedding, and generally just having a bit of normalcy.<br />
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Work has been going well. My promotion is being delayed because of bureaucracy, but at least I am busy and employed. I am working on some important projects and I feel like an asset to the agency. It is nice to feel like the director of my office finds my ideas useful and important, and that I can actually try and make changes to better our service to our citizens. (Wow, that sounds a little hokey, but it really is the way I feel. While a lot of people become jaded working for local government, I think it is nice to see the direct impact of your work in the community. When you work for the federal government, everything is so intangible. When I work on a program, I get to know the people that the program serves on a daily basis. I find that encouraging!)<br />
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And then we have the ever-present elephant in the room... my weight, my eating, my lack of discipline. I have been perpetually upset for the past, well, six months at least, that my weight is so damn high. After spending three months in Europe last summer, eating with abandon, drinking wine, and somehow gaining only two pounds, it is insanely frustrating to be where I am now. Before my trip to France, I contacted a vegan nutritional counselor who has an awesome blog that I love. She is based in New York and has a history of an eating disorder. I must wait a bit to contract her services, as they are a bit expensive and I need some repairs done to my car. I am hoping that in September, however, we can work together and she will be able to help me lose weight in a way that will not make me insane and keep disordered behaviors to a minimum. I know I need to do something drastic... the other night I had a bit of a breakdown when I sort of got stuck in a small dress that I like to try on to gauge how muchI have gained. It was humid and I was sticky, so the fabric just would not slide up over my shoulders (it is a strapless dress and I have to put it on head-first, I cannot step into it). I started to cry and was thankfully eventually able to get out of the dress without damaging it. But honestly, besides seeing how fat I am in the mirror and in photos and getting stuck in a dress, what other signs must I see to know how ridiculous I am? I may be relatively fit, but I simply weigh too much. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel unworthy of Benjamin's affection. <br />
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Then, the past few weekends, I spent time with my dear group of friends, and there is one among us who is absurdly thin and beautiful. Seeing her does not really make me jealous, because I obviously respect and adore her, but I cannot help but feel inadequate and ugly next to her. And, on Saturday, I went to a gathering and saw my former friend who kicked me out of her wedding. She was there with her new baby and husband. And while she may not have shed her baby weight yet, she has an excuse. I, on the other hand, am massively fatter than I was the last time she saw me. I cried before I went to the party. I am so embarrassed.<br />
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On top of that, I had an incredibly stressful Sunday night. I do not want to publicly detail the event, but there was a great deal of conflict with a friend that was entirely not my fault. While everything has since been resolved, I felt horrible yesterday, so what was my solution? Drown my feelings in food! This vegan made a real cheese pizza and ate a good portion while watching television. Why is it so impossible to have a healthy relationship with food? With my body? Why???<br />
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So there is all of that... I know have said this a million times, something must change, now.désespérée de maigrirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02317437591022451978noreply@blogger.com0