Thank you, everyone who commented or sent me kind thoughts, for being so nice to me.
This week was crazy and rough, and while I know I love Juan, I also know that he is never going to want to be with me. And that is that, plain and simple.
What I have yet to share (until now) is that I am actually trying to see someone. We work together and he is incredibly kind. He has a lot of baggage (way more serious than mine) but is just so nice. You would expect that he would be bitter and pretty angry with the world, but in fact he is just trying to atone for his past and make his future a lot better. I really admire that.
I think he arrived at the right time for both of us, even though I've known him since I moved to school. I am not sure what made him pursue me after all of this time nor what made me decide to let him in. I really do not know.
I forgot how it feels to have someone be nice to me like that. He knows I am in love with Juan and heartbroken over Popi. And he knows I am moving in May and is not trying to start something super-serious.
I am just going to let him pursue me and see how it goes. We went on a real date tonight and I did have a great time. He makes me laugh, even if my heart and mind are often elsewhere.
I'll give a fuller explanation soon. And a weight/food update... though I have lost a few pounds and that is a very good thing.
Showing posts with label heartbroken. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heartbroken. Show all posts
And I thought it couldn't get worse
Sarah,
This email is to ask that you please move on and no longer contact me. I have rekindled my relationship with Sandra, and my energy and focus is in my relationship with her. Please respect my decision. There is no need to reply to this email.
Thanks,
Juan
Oh, and he cc'ed her. Her, as in his ex girlfriend who he was still with when we hooked up. The girl who he cheated on WITH ME.
fuck.
This email is to ask that you please move on and no longer contact me. I have rekindled my relationship with Sandra, and my energy and focus is in my relationship with her. Please respect my decision. There is no need to reply to this email.
Thanks,
Juan
Oh, and he cc'ed her. Her, as in his ex girlfriend who he was still with when we hooked up. The girl who he cheated on WITH ME.
fuck.
The saddest journey
So, I have returned from my short trip to France.
There really isn't very much to say, other than the trip was so incredibly sad in a way that I cannot describe with the words I know.
My heart is permanently broken. I have lost the two great loves of my life this year.
Hopefully with a little time, I'll feel more of a desire to write and let my feelings out here, but for now, I just... I can't...
Thank you all for your kind comments, emails, messages on Facebook, thoughts, and prayers. I know that some of you have had the unfortunate experience of losing someone very close to you and can relate to my intense sadness.
I forgot about the blog I tried to keep about all of the things I love about France. There are only a few posts, and most are totally irrelevant, but I wrote a lovely account of the summer I met her, here.
For those of you who might want to read what I wrote to my darling Popi, here is the letter I read and buried with her...
There really isn't very much to say, other than the trip was so incredibly sad in a way that I cannot describe with the words I know.
My heart is permanently broken. I have lost the two great loves of my life this year.
Hopefully with a little time, I'll feel more of a desire to write and let my feelings out here, but for now, I just... I can't...
Thank you all for your kind comments, emails, messages on Facebook, thoughts, and prayers. I know that some of you have had the unfortunate experience of losing someone very close to you and can relate to my intense sadness.
I forgot about the blog I tried to keep about all of the things I love about France. There are only a few posts, and most are totally irrelevant, but I wrote a lovely account of the summer I met her, here.
For those of you who might want to read what I wrote to my darling Popi, here is the letter I read and buried with her...
My Honey,
Do you remember that bright summer day seven years ago when we first met? I was incredibly nervous as we drove to the airport, and I cannot even imagine how you must have felt sitting on that plane about to embark on such a grand adventure with complete strangers. My mother always says that we sat in the back seat of our car and did not stop talking for a second the entire ride home. The funny thing is, that day is the perfect illustration for how quickly our unbreakable bond formed and why I will never have another friend like you.
Even though I have only had the privilege of seeing you every few years, whenever we are together, our sisterly bond reignites immediately, and I wonder how I was getting on, all that time, without you by my side. I have never known someone with whom I felt so instantly comfortable and secure. You are the only one I trust with my innermost dreams, knowing you will guard them and keep them safe. Pauline, you have brought so much joy into my life with your humor, kindness, and generosity. What will I do without you?
As your friend, I promise to hold on desperately to the many memories we have together, both significant and silly. The parties, Christmases, and birthdays, young love, so many shared delicious meals and glasses of wine, road trips, inside jokes, singing songs at the top of our lungs, trying to learn Spanish in the car, writing letters and sending packages, Skyping from every corner of the United States and Europe, and lots of laughter, tears, hugs, and kisses. Through all of it, I know that our hearts and souls are forever tied together – something that will not cease even though you have left us.
As your friend, I promise to continue to love and support your amazing family and friends, who have so graciously accepted me into their fold. I will make your parents and grandparents proud. I will treat Guillaume and Mathilde as my own brother and sister, and try my best to guide them and support them as they grow as young adults. I will reminisce with Benjamin about the wonderful times we shared with you. I will support Marmotte, Kevin, Nem, Anne-So, Ceclie and the rest of our friends as they grieve, and make sure we all honor your life by exemplifying your love of life and adventurous spirit.
I hope you know how truly loved you are, Pauline. You will be indescribably missed by every person whose life you managed to touch in your 24 years. While we will be filled with a deep sorrow for the rest of our days, I know that even now you would want us to look back on your life and smile.
I love you more than you can even comprehend, my sister from across the ocean, juste en face de New York,
Je t’aime toujours,
Sarah
Je t’aime toujours,
Sarah
 |
| Paris was as grey as I was, the other day |
Nothing to say
I have not written in about ten days now because I honestly have nothing worthwhile to say.
My weight stable between 137-138 and not going down. I know that is my fault, so hopefully with the end of this week being incredibly busy, I will be able to lose even just a pound.
The hurricane did not have much effect here where I live - though my parents got slammed. Everything was closed for Monday and Tuesday, so it was nice to catch up on knitting and spend time with my roommates. I did manage to get in a good 4.5 mile run this evening. The first decent run I have been on since the marathon, and only now, a few hours later, is my foot aching.
Still incredibly sad about Juan. I wrote him a letter, but I am not sure if I will mail it. Perhaps sticking it in a drawer will be enough. If anyone wants to read it, I typed it up after writing, so I could post it here.
No one has purchased anything from my Etsy store yet, but I am confident it will happen soon. In fact, I am ordering some yarn for Claire, so I can list a vegan (non wool/alpaca/silk) cowl especially for her. And, I am going to knit up a pretty, warm black one for Lulu, since I know she's been freezing at work - which is a little funny to this northerner, since she lives in toasty Miami :)
I bought myself a few presents lately, mainly to try and fill the Juan void. The first was a great pair of gently used boots on eBay. While I maintain a vegan diet, one of my biggest motivations for maintaining a vegan lifestyle is for the environment. Thus, I am not morally opposed to buying used leather goods in some instances as the impact of leather on the earth is far less than petroleum products. If I can find a cruelty-free alternative, I am fine with that. Alas, non-leather boots (cloth or "pleather") just do not hold up to wintry wear and tear. These are a great pair and I even weather-proofed them, so they can get me through the winter. Then, I had a bit of a splurge and decided I need a vacation. I still have a few good friends in San Diego, so I decided to take a long weekend to SD in January. The tickets were under $400, which is pretty reasonable, especially just after the holidays. It was a bit out of my normal budget, but I will spread it over two or three months on my credit card and soak up all of the sunshine I can while I am there to make it worth while. Finally, I have been thinking I should replace the jewelry that Juan gave me. I have two rings from Etsy and a lovely Tiffany's necklace. Lest you think I am a) made of money or b) totally crazy with no sense of finances, I did not replace all at once. I bought a lovely handcrafted necklace that I can wear every day and never feel the need to replace. It will be just like the one in the photo, except with a tiny rough sapphire (my birth stone). It is a bit extravagant, purchasing all of that on top of my normal expenses, but maybe it will make me feel better.
Sometime in the near-ish future, I hope to replace my perfume too. I am thinking of selling my nearly-full bottle of D&G La Lune and replacing it with Hermes Eau Claire des Merveilles. Truthfully, I love the perfume I wear, but Juan gave me my last bottle as a gift, and I know its the perfume he loves. Maybe changing would be good, right? The Eau Claire is a bit sophisticated and luxurious smelling, but still youthful. Unfortunately, it is also more expensive, and I absolutely cannot justify it right now. Especially not with Christmas around the corner and my Etsy store having not sold a thing. So for now, I will just get a little sample of it each time I browse a Sephora.
Goodness, I hope that doesn't sound like I am trying to brag about what I purchased. That is not my intention, I simply do not have much else happening in my life except packages arriving in the mail every so often.
Anyway, things are sort of quiet here. My heart is very hurt and lonely and in the back of my mind I have this kernel of hope that is wishing for him to call. I do understand that he is finished. Really, I do. It is just very hard. I know that all that I am is not tied to him, but I feel kind of like nothing - not pretty or desirable or kind enough or smart enough or whatever...
My weight stable between 137-138 and not going down. I know that is my fault, so hopefully with the end of this week being incredibly busy, I will be able to lose even just a pound.
The hurricane did not have much effect here where I live - though my parents got slammed. Everything was closed for Monday and Tuesday, so it was nice to catch up on knitting and spend time with my roommates. I did manage to get in a good 4.5 mile run this evening. The first decent run I have been on since the marathon, and only now, a few hours later, is my foot aching.
Still incredibly sad about Juan. I wrote him a letter, but I am not sure if I will mail it. Perhaps sticking it in a drawer will be enough. If anyone wants to read it, I typed it up after writing, so I could post it here.
No one has purchased anything from my Etsy store yet, but I am confident it will happen soon. In fact, I am ordering some yarn for Claire, so I can list a vegan (non wool/alpaca/silk) cowl especially for her. And, I am going to knit up a pretty, warm black one for Lulu, since I know she's been freezing at work - which is a little funny to this northerner, since she lives in toasty Miami :)
I bought myself a few presents lately, mainly to try and fill the Juan void. The first was a great pair of gently used boots on eBay. While I maintain a vegan diet, one of my biggest motivations for maintaining a vegan lifestyle is for the environment. Thus, I am not morally opposed to buying used leather goods in some instances as the impact of leather on the earth is far less than petroleum products. If I can find a cruelty-free alternative, I am fine with that. Alas, non-leather boots (cloth or "pleather") just do not hold up to wintry wear and tear. These are a great pair and I even weather-proofed them, so they can get me through the winter. Then, I had a bit of a splurge and decided I need a vacation. I still have a few good friends in San Diego, so I decided to take a long weekend to SD in January. The tickets were under $400, which is pretty reasonable, especially just after the holidays. It was a bit out of my normal budget, but I will spread it over two or three months on my credit card and soak up all of the sunshine I can while I am there to make it worth while. Finally, I have been thinking I should replace the jewelry that Juan gave me. I have two rings from Etsy and a lovely Tiffany's necklace. Lest you think I am a) made of money or b) totally crazy with no sense of finances, I did not replace all at once. I bought a lovely handcrafted necklace that I can wear every day and never feel the need to replace. It will be just like the one in the photo, except with a tiny rough sapphire (my birth stone). It is a bit extravagant, purchasing all of that on top of my normal expenses, but maybe it will make me feel better.
Sometime in the near-ish future, I hope to replace my perfume too. I am thinking of selling my nearly-full bottle of D&G La Lune and replacing it with Hermes Eau Claire des Merveilles. Truthfully, I love the perfume I wear, but Juan gave me my last bottle as a gift, and I know its the perfume he loves. Maybe changing would be good, right? The Eau Claire is a bit sophisticated and luxurious smelling, but still youthful. Unfortunately, it is also more expensive, and I absolutely cannot justify it right now. Especially not with Christmas around the corner and my Etsy store having not sold a thing. So for now, I will just get a little sample of it each time I browse a Sephora.
Goodness, I hope that doesn't sound like I am trying to brag about what I purchased. That is not my intention, I simply do not have much else happening in my life except packages arriving in the mail every so often.
Anyway, things are sort of quiet here. My heart is very hurt and lonely and in the back of my mind I have this kernel of hope that is wishing for him to call. I do understand that he is finished. Really, I do. It is just very hard. I know that all that I am is not tied to him, but I feel kind of like nothing - not pretty or desirable or kind enough or smart enough or whatever...
Really?
Finally my weight is going in the right direction.
As promised, I went for a run to support Isobel yesterday.
132.8 this morning, I guess skipping a few meals pays off sometimes.
122.8 would be so much better.
I received some VERY bad news about my school funding this week - not really sure what to do. It's really the last thing I needed right now. When I finally get my head wrapped around some sort of plan, I promise to write about it. If I was over the edge the other day when I posted, I think I just fell off the cliff.
I have lunch with a friend scheduled for today, but I picked the place and they have a ton of great salads, which is the only food I never feel guilty about eating. I had a two slices of rice toast (well, one slice and the nub of the loaf) for breakfast and now I am sipping my coffee. Lunch will be salad, then I plan to make more coffee and let that get me through the evening. When I get home from work at five, I am going to squeeze in a run before I go to class at 7:20.
I want to put my life on pause for a while. I cannot handle all of this right now.
The best thing in my life is that working at the yarn shop, I can get a lot of knitting done, and I am finished with the front, back, and half of the sleeves for a sweater. I then have a ton of other things on my queue... including some treats to send overseas to South Africa and New Zealand (you know who you are!)... Northern hemisphere-ers, you can wait a few months.
Anyone want to send me money for a plane ticket so I can just drop my life for a while and come visit you? Oh, and that would also include you adopting me temporarily, at least...
And of course, in my infinite wisdom, I texted Juan on Monday when I heard my bad news. I hate this. I miss him so much.
As promised, I went for a run to support Isobel yesterday.
132.8 this morning, I guess skipping a few meals pays off sometimes.
122.8 would be so much better.
I received some VERY bad news about my school funding this week - not really sure what to do. It's really the last thing I needed right now. When I finally get my head wrapped around some sort of plan, I promise to write about it. If I was over the edge the other day when I posted, I think I just fell off the cliff.
I have lunch with a friend scheduled for today, but I picked the place and they have a ton of great salads, which is the only food I never feel guilty about eating. I had a two slices of rice toast (well, one slice and the nub of the loaf) for breakfast and now I am sipping my coffee. Lunch will be salad, then I plan to make more coffee and let that get me through the evening. When I get home from work at five, I am going to squeeze in a run before I go to class at 7:20.
I want to put my life on pause for a while. I cannot handle all of this right now.
The best thing in my life is that working at the yarn shop, I can get a lot of knitting done, and I am finished with the front, back, and half of the sleeves for a sweater. I then have a ton of other things on my queue... including some treats to send overseas to South Africa and New Zealand (you know who you are!)... Northern hemisphere-ers, you can wait a few months.
Anyone want to send me money for a plane ticket so I can just drop my life for a while and come visit you? Oh, and that would also include you adopting me temporarily, at least...
And of course, in my infinite wisdom, I texted Juan on Monday when I heard my bad news. I hate this. I miss him so much.
Drained
This week has pushed me to the brink.
I went home to visit my friends and family last weekend. I felt great, ran 12 miles on Saturday and had a nice time overall. But, even with that mini vacation, a pile of stress just keeps getting bigger.
First, I let my friend who is getting married this summer (I am a bridesmaid) that I am unable to afford to go to her bachelorette weekend. Initially, her party was going to be a laid-back spa day at her house. The maid of honor and I were going to cook tasty food, serve champagne cocktails, and hire a masseuse and manicurist to come for the day. Sometime in the past few months, the bride completely changed her mind and arranged a weekend in the finger lakes of NY to go wine tasting. Obviously, this sounds divine, but between driving up and back to our home in NJ, the van to NY, the hotel, the wineries (and I suppose pitching in for my friend's accommodations), and missing two to three days of work here... I just cannot do it. I was terrified to tell her, but I stuck to my principles and did not allow her to persuade me otherwise. I would love to go and I feel bad, but it's just not possible for me. (I cannot even stay at the hotel where she is getting married in July, because the place is so extravagant!)
Next, the end of the school year is gearing up. I did not run a single day this week because I have either been at work, in class, or trying to dig myself out from this giant hole of schoolwork that I managed to fall into. In the next three weeks, I have three exams, an article review, policy analysis, outbreak plan, health intervention proposal, case-series proposal, and a finally presentation to do. That is my normal schoolwork, and in addition to that, I have data collection, writing, and number crunching for my assistantship. I was up until two in the morning last night writing my case-series proposal on nosocomial sepsis in neonatal patients. Hopefully, I will finish that by this afternoon, then get started on my article review and outbreak plan.
I am also kind of nervous about next year's finances. Through me department, I have a research assistantship which pays just enough to cover my rent for the year. Then, they were able to give me an out-of-state tuition waiver (for those of you not familiar with our system in the US, we have state schools that are public, but if you are not an official resident of that state, you pay a much higher tuition cost) that allows me to borrow about half of what it would cost me otherwise. The budget is really tight throughout the university this year, so I am extremely nervous about them not granting my out of state waiver and having to borrow double what I have planned. Being thousands of dollars in student debt makes me incredibly anxious, even if it will be ultimately worth it.
And the last two things I need to unload... Juan and I had been continuing to talk ever since we broke up in January. Things were strained and weird, but occasionally we would have some really good days and flirt and even Skype sometimes. Well, this week, he told me he does not want us to talk anymore. He initially took the position that he thought it would be better for me so that I could "move on." The truth is, I find the entire notion of him dictating such a thing, deciding what is best for me after breaking my heart, and even implying that I can just "move on" incredibly offensive. I have loved him from the bottom of my heart from practically the day that I met him. That does not disappear merely because it has to or he or I wants it to. You do not choose who you love, your heart does. I dedicated so much love and energy to him and I know that my heart was made to love him. I mapped out the next few years of my life, between my next year, him moving, us moving to California, getting married, etc. All of my future involved him, us as a couple - that does not just go away because you think it is time to move on. I do not even know if I want to stop loving him, to be honest, because even though it is painful, I know it is what my heart is meant to do. So, after some heavy tears and me venting a bit at him, I managed to ask him if us not speaking was really what he thought was best, or was it what he wanted. He told me something along the lines of him not having responsibility or obligation to care for me anymore, and I cannot be texting him multiple times a day and whatever... what that really means is that he does not WANT me to speak to him anymore. I wish he could have just said that from the get-go. Its truly awful, but I have no grounds to argue with him and I am forced to honor his wishes.
It feels like we just broke up all over again. My heart is so hurt and all I want to do is get on a plane to California and beg him to change his mind and take it all back. I have done some seriously thinking in the past three months, and it has not gotten even a bit easier. In fact, I am certain that I love him just as much and miss him even more. I have, however, come to grips with the fact that if I do not have Juan in my life, then that is it. I do not have anyone. I was given my shot at this, and it did not work out, regardless of who is to blame. I know that sounds INSANELY dramatic coming from someone who is not even 25 years old.
Enough of that sappy nonsense... as I mentioned, I have not run since last Saturday and I have been eating a horribly disgusting amount of food this week. I am somewhere around 134-135, which is unacceptable. I ate breakfast this morning, but for lunch I am going to go out for iced coffee to power me through the afternoon. That usually takes away my appetite for the rest of the day. I might try the same tactic tomorrow. Sometime later today, I would like to take a study break and go for a run, but I think it is going to rain (tomorrow's forecast is rainy too). My friend's wedding is the last week of July. My goal is to be 125 by then. I think it will actually look slightly dramatic on my frame, since people are used to my chubby cheeks. The stress and busyness of the next few weeks should help get my back down to 130 and then I can focus on running a lot more when school is out.
My apologies for disappearing for a little while. I have been keeping up with most everyone's blogs, but I have some commenting to do.
I hope everyone has lovely, stress-free plans for the weekend. If you bothered to read this entire thing, bravo, I thank you. If you manage to comment, you're even more special!
Oh, and Miranda and Peri, I can't comment on your blogs right now, not sure if it has to to with any of the blogger updates... but I <3 you both.
I went home to visit my friends and family last weekend. I felt great, ran 12 miles on Saturday and had a nice time overall. But, even with that mini vacation, a pile of stress just keeps getting bigger.
First, I let my friend who is getting married this summer (I am a bridesmaid) that I am unable to afford to go to her bachelorette weekend. Initially, her party was going to be a laid-back spa day at her house. The maid of honor and I were going to cook tasty food, serve champagne cocktails, and hire a masseuse and manicurist to come for the day. Sometime in the past few months, the bride completely changed her mind and arranged a weekend in the finger lakes of NY to go wine tasting. Obviously, this sounds divine, but between driving up and back to our home in NJ, the van to NY, the hotel, the wineries (and I suppose pitching in for my friend's accommodations), and missing two to three days of work here... I just cannot do it. I was terrified to tell her, but I stuck to my principles and did not allow her to persuade me otherwise. I would love to go and I feel bad, but it's just not possible for me. (I cannot even stay at the hotel where she is getting married in July, because the place is so extravagant!)
Next, the end of the school year is gearing up. I did not run a single day this week because I have either been at work, in class, or trying to dig myself out from this giant hole of schoolwork that I managed to fall into. In the next three weeks, I have three exams, an article review, policy analysis, outbreak plan, health intervention proposal, case-series proposal, and a finally presentation to do. That is my normal schoolwork, and in addition to that, I have data collection, writing, and number crunching for my assistantship. I was up until two in the morning last night writing my case-series proposal on nosocomial sepsis in neonatal patients. Hopefully, I will finish that by this afternoon, then get started on my article review and outbreak plan.
I am also kind of nervous about next year's finances. Through me department, I have a research assistantship which pays just enough to cover my rent for the year. Then, they were able to give me an out-of-state tuition waiver (for those of you not familiar with our system in the US, we have state schools that are public, but if you are not an official resident of that state, you pay a much higher tuition cost) that allows me to borrow about half of what it would cost me otherwise. The budget is really tight throughout the university this year, so I am extremely nervous about them not granting my out of state waiver and having to borrow double what I have planned. Being thousands of dollars in student debt makes me incredibly anxious, even if it will be ultimately worth it.
And the last two things I need to unload... Juan and I had been continuing to talk ever since we broke up in January. Things were strained and weird, but occasionally we would have some really good days and flirt and even Skype sometimes. Well, this week, he told me he does not want us to talk anymore. He initially took the position that he thought it would be better for me so that I could "move on." The truth is, I find the entire notion of him dictating such a thing, deciding what is best for me after breaking my heart, and even implying that I can just "move on" incredibly offensive. I have loved him from the bottom of my heart from practically the day that I met him. That does not disappear merely because it has to or he or I wants it to. You do not choose who you love, your heart does. I dedicated so much love and energy to him and I know that my heart was made to love him. I mapped out the next few years of my life, between my next year, him moving, us moving to California, getting married, etc. All of my future involved him, us as a couple - that does not just go away because you think it is time to move on. I do not even know if I want to stop loving him, to be honest, because even though it is painful, I know it is what my heart is meant to do. So, after some heavy tears and me venting a bit at him, I managed to ask him if us not speaking was really what he thought was best, or was it what he wanted. He told me something along the lines of him not having responsibility or obligation to care for me anymore, and I cannot be texting him multiple times a day and whatever... what that really means is that he does not WANT me to speak to him anymore. I wish he could have just said that from the get-go. Its truly awful, but I have no grounds to argue with him and I am forced to honor his wishes.
It feels like we just broke up all over again. My heart is so hurt and all I want to do is get on a plane to California and beg him to change his mind and take it all back. I have done some seriously thinking in the past three months, and it has not gotten even a bit easier. In fact, I am certain that I love him just as much and miss him even more. I have, however, come to grips with the fact that if I do not have Juan in my life, then that is it. I do not have anyone. I was given my shot at this, and it did not work out, regardless of who is to blame. I know that sounds INSANELY dramatic coming from someone who is not even 25 years old.
Enough of that sappy nonsense... as I mentioned, I have not run since last Saturday and I have been eating a horribly disgusting amount of food this week. I am somewhere around 134-135, which is unacceptable. I ate breakfast this morning, but for lunch I am going to go out for iced coffee to power me through the afternoon. That usually takes away my appetite for the rest of the day. I might try the same tactic tomorrow. Sometime later today, I would like to take a study break and go for a run, but I think it is going to rain (tomorrow's forecast is rainy too). My friend's wedding is the last week of July. My goal is to be 125 by then. I think it will actually look slightly dramatic on my frame, since people are used to my chubby cheeks. The stress and busyness of the next few weeks should help get my back down to 130 and then I can focus on running a lot more when school is out.
My apologies for disappearing for a little while. I have been keeping up with most everyone's blogs, but I have some commenting to do.
I hope everyone has lovely, stress-free plans for the weekend. If you bothered to read this entire thing, bravo, I thank you. If you manage to comment, you're even more special!
Oh, and Miranda and Peri, I can't comment on your blogs right now, not sure if it has to to with any of the blogger updates... but I <3 you both.
Broken record
I am sorry it has taken me a little while to write another update. Though it's hardly a valid excuse, I am incredibly busy right now. School began again, and I am collecting data for two different research projects for my assistantship. In addition to my assistantship and nine hours per week at the law firm, I began working at the local yarn shop this week too (eight hours, but I think normally I'll be working six).
I squeezed in a few runs this week, last weekend I ran 10.5 on Saturday, then took a few days off due to my schedule/lack of motivation. I only ran 4.5 on Thursday and now it's Saturday again and I have not run. Maybe I will find the time tomorrow, but tonight I am babysitting until quite late, have to attend a church service in the morning to hand out some surveys, and my friends are coming over for dinner at 6:30. In between all of that, I have a study design and policy analysis to complete, among other assignments. It's funny, because when I am in the midst of doing all of these things, it really does not seem so overwhelming - but when I write it down, it seems a little crazy.
I am still trying to sneak in some knitting time - I am finishing my brother's scarf, I need to complete an embroidery project this week too, and then I have things to knit for my Etsy shop (it's empty right now but it will be filled with cowls soon!), surprises for Peri, Mich & Jéanne (among all of the other lovely bloggers I would love to knit for too), and for Lulu's sweet daughter (among about seven or eight additional projects).
My weight this morning was 132.8 - I am working hard on getting back to <130. I did so well for a while - even through the holidays, but lately I have been waking up around 133. I am sure that taking yet another rest day will be shooting myself in the foot, weight-wise. Tomorrow, I am going to try and sneak in a short run in the morning. A few more during the week, and then my 10-mile race is on Sunday the 1st.
Fortunately, (well, really unfortunately), I cannot go grocery shopping again for a few weeks. I need to pay off the small balance on my credit card and then it will be time for rent/utilities/car/renter's insurance again. I am really lucky that I have these few part-time jobs that allow me a little cushion for luxuries like a hair cut, or sending packages to my friends, or buying yarn. Next month will be the first in six months that I will finally be able to put a little money away. And, my mom told me I am getting money back for my tax return - this is a great relief, since I literally live paycheck-to-paycheck and on student loans, and if I ever needed emergency money (like if something happens to my car), I will either have to beg my parents or be up the creek. My parents are very generous - they still let me remain on their health insurance and handle the cel-phone policy (I pay for my own line, but it's much cheaper being on their plan than by myself). My grandmother sends me a little money each month with instructions to "buy vegetables." I have to be grateful for what I have, because I know many people have much less and get by.
So, I suppose I am leaving this post in the same place I have been for a while - busy, feeling fat and physically incompetent, emotionally tired, and trying to be hopeful that I can handle all of the work, run further, faster, and finally see the scale tick down under 120, and somehow find peace. I am a broken record.
I squeezed in a few runs this week, last weekend I ran 10.5 on Saturday, then took a few days off due to my schedule/lack of motivation. I only ran 4.5 on Thursday and now it's Saturday again and I have not run. Maybe I will find the time tomorrow, but tonight I am babysitting until quite late, have to attend a church service in the morning to hand out some surveys, and my friends are coming over for dinner at 6:30. In between all of that, I have a study design and policy analysis to complete, among other assignments. It's funny, because when I am in the midst of doing all of these things, it really does not seem so overwhelming - but when I write it down, it seems a little crazy.I am still trying to sneak in some knitting time - I am finishing my brother's scarf, I need to complete an embroidery project this week too, and then I have things to knit for my Etsy shop (it's empty right now but it will be filled with cowls soon!), surprises for Peri, Mich & Jéanne (among all of the other lovely bloggers I would love to knit for too), and for Lulu's sweet daughter (among about seven or eight additional projects).
My weight this morning was 132.8 - I am working hard on getting back to <130. I did so well for a while - even through the holidays, but lately I have been waking up around 133. I am sure that taking yet another rest day will be shooting myself in the foot, weight-wise. Tomorrow, I am going to try and sneak in a short run in the morning. A few more during the week, and then my 10-mile race is on Sunday the 1st.
Fortunately, (well, really unfortunately), I cannot go grocery shopping again for a few weeks. I need to pay off the small balance on my credit card and then it will be time for rent/utilities/car/renter's insurance again. I am really lucky that I have these few part-time jobs that allow me a little cushion for luxuries like a hair cut, or sending packages to my friends, or buying yarn. Next month will be the first in six months that I will finally be able to put a little money away. And, my mom told me I am getting money back for my tax return - this is a great relief, since I literally live paycheck-to-paycheck and on student loans, and if I ever needed emergency money (like if something happens to my car), I will either have to beg my parents or be up the creek. My parents are very generous - they still let me remain on their health insurance and handle the cel-phone policy (I pay for my own line, but it's much cheaper being on their plan than by myself). My grandmother sends me a little money each month with instructions to "buy vegetables." I have to be grateful for what I have, because I know many people have much less and get by.So, I suppose I am leaving this post in the same place I have been for a while - busy, feeling fat and physically incompetent, emotionally tired, and trying to be hopeful that I can handle all of the work, run further, faster, and finally see the scale tick down under 120, and somehow find peace. I am a broken record.
A bit of a break
What a week.
I know that in reality I have very little to complain about. I have a roof over my head, a family who loves me, friends, I'm pursuing a masters degree in the field of my choice, and am honestly quite blessed. My problems come from a serious lack of personal strength and independence.
Not that I am a totally weak person - it's just that I draw all of my strength from co-dependency, if that makes any sense. I am strongest when I am in a committed romantic relationship and my friends and family are near. When I feel supported, even when I am facing hardships, I face them head on. When I feel lonely and isolated, I feel and act completely incapable. I just know that if Juan was in my corner, I would be able to handle everything that life throws at me without a hitch - without him, I cannot be the best version of myself.
So this was midterms week, hence why I was quite absent from commenting and posting, for that matter. I had exams Monday and Wednesday, assignments, presentations, and a bunch of meetings and work to do for my research assistantship. On top of being stressed about schoolwork, finances constantly hang over my head. I found out this week that the professor I work for, who is the chair of my department, is no longer going to be the chair. He is being "demoted" to a normal faculty member, and thus there is a possibility that he will not be able to hire me as his research assistant next year. On top of that, he really wanted to find funding for me for the summer to work on a gigantic project - which I was thrilled about and relieved to have found a secure summer job. Now, everything is up in the air and it makes me so anxious. Couple those two things with being completely heartsick and I am a bit of a mess.
Juan and I had a "good week" - if you can call it such a thing. I know that everyone thinks I should just do my best to kick him out of my life and forget him, but for me that would never be the right thing to do. I need to be 1,000,000,000% sure that there is nothing there - and to me it is obvious that there are feelings left. I was able to say some things to him this week that I needed to say... about how I felt that I put too much pressure on him and I scared him away. I wanted to plan together so we would both be comfortable. I would no longer be scared of losing him and he would not feel so pressured to be serious. In classic Juan fashion, he listened to everything I had to say but did not give me a good feeling of how he felt back. Maybe this weekend I can get a better response from him. He keeps talking about how he has been thinking of visiting. He says he misses me. There is nothing more that I want than to see him. Even if it did not ultimately mean our reconciliation, we have not seen each other in nearly six months.
So weight/eating wise, I am also a bit of a mess. I had some happy/stressful days this week that led to me throwing caution to the wind and eating way too much. This morning I was a horrifically embarrassing weight. I did, however, run 9.3ish miles and felt pretty nauseous all day, so I have not eaten much. I am really hoping that tomorrow I will be back to 130 at least and then I can work harder at getting down from there.
After spending the rest of my day (after my run) in bed with a stomach ache, I decided to get dressed and go see The Artist. It was so delightful and the lead actress was so elegant and lithe and makes me want my hair to grow! I think I only need two more haircuts before all of the brown, dyed hair is gone (it grows in dark ash blonde, so I luckily don't have horrible roots) and my blonde hair will be back and I can grow a cute, fashionable bob. I want my legs to finally be thin a lovely looking in short hemlines. I will get there eventually, I know it. I could be this chic...
I know that in reality I have very little to complain about. I have a roof over my head, a family who loves me, friends, I'm pursuing a masters degree in the field of my choice, and am honestly quite blessed. My problems come from a serious lack of personal strength and independence.
Not that I am a totally weak person - it's just that I draw all of my strength from co-dependency, if that makes any sense. I am strongest when I am in a committed romantic relationship and my friends and family are near. When I feel supported, even when I am facing hardships, I face them head on. When I feel lonely and isolated, I feel and act completely incapable. I just know that if Juan was in my corner, I would be able to handle everything that life throws at me without a hitch - without him, I cannot be the best version of myself.
So this was midterms week, hence why I was quite absent from commenting and posting, for that matter. I had exams Monday and Wednesday, assignments, presentations, and a bunch of meetings and work to do for my research assistantship. On top of being stressed about schoolwork, finances constantly hang over my head. I found out this week that the professor I work for, who is the chair of my department, is no longer going to be the chair. He is being "demoted" to a normal faculty member, and thus there is a possibility that he will not be able to hire me as his research assistant next year. On top of that, he really wanted to find funding for me for the summer to work on a gigantic project - which I was thrilled about and relieved to have found a secure summer job. Now, everything is up in the air and it makes me so anxious. Couple those two things with being completely heartsick and I am a bit of a mess.
Juan and I had a "good week" - if you can call it such a thing. I know that everyone thinks I should just do my best to kick him out of my life and forget him, but for me that would never be the right thing to do. I need to be 1,000,000,000% sure that there is nothing there - and to me it is obvious that there are feelings left. I was able to say some things to him this week that I needed to say... about how I felt that I put too much pressure on him and I scared him away. I wanted to plan together so we would both be comfortable. I would no longer be scared of losing him and he would not feel so pressured to be serious. In classic Juan fashion, he listened to everything I had to say but did not give me a good feeling of how he felt back. Maybe this weekend I can get a better response from him. He keeps talking about how he has been thinking of visiting. He says he misses me. There is nothing more that I want than to see him. Even if it did not ultimately mean our reconciliation, we have not seen each other in nearly six months.
So weight/eating wise, I am also a bit of a mess. I had some happy/stressful days this week that led to me throwing caution to the wind and eating way too much. This morning I was a horrifically embarrassing weight. I did, however, run 9.3ish miles and felt pretty nauseous all day, so I have not eaten much. I am really hoping that tomorrow I will be back to 130 at least and then I can work harder at getting down from there.
After spending the rest of my day (after my run) in bed with a stomach ache, I decided to get dressed and go see The Artist. It was so delightful and the lead actress was so elegant and lithe and makes me want my hair to grow! I think I only need two more haircuts before all of the brown, dyed hair is gone (it grows in dark ash blonde, so I luckily don't have horrible roots) and my blonde hair will be back and I can grow a cute, fashionable bob. I want my legs to finally be thin a lovely looking in short hemlines. I will get there eventually, I know it. I could be this chic...
So anxious
Yesterday turned out to be just a really weird day.
On Tuesday morning, Juan called me from the post office to let me know that he was finally mailing my things. When my phone rang, I froze and did not want to answer, but I did. He simply asked me my address and said he would call back. He indeed did call back, and I am not really sure why - just to make SUPER awkward small talk?
Naturally, this set off some bizarre emotional reactions on my end, just feeling pretty terrible and needy all day. I texted him a few times, but I chalked that up to him initially contacting me. I went to bed, had a hard time falling asleep, finally fell asleep, awoke an hour later from a totally creepy-weird nightmare, and texted him immediately.
Yesterday morning, I woke up sort of late and did schoolwork most of the morning. I was just in this total haze, where I felt completely unfocused and anxious about nothing specific. I went to my hardest class, took a quiz (which was my highest grade this semester - they are 10 questions, and we've all been averaging 6-7/10, I think I got an 8/10 on this one... which is not even good), had a lecture, and then received my first assignment back. Combine my low grade (an 83% - I cannot even remember the last time I received a grade that low, and I worked SO hard on it, sent it to my TA ahead of time to look it over) with my overall anxiety, and the second I was out of the building I just burst into tears. Hopefully, I will do a much better job on the assignment due next week, but it just turned out to be a lousy day.
I wanted to wake up early this morning, but getting out of my warm bed in my freezing apartment and just feeling sort of run down, left me lying there until 8:30. Therefore, I did not get my act together and do yoga or go for a run. Tomorrow, I think I have time for both yoga and a run, so I am trying not to be super stressed about it. I have managed to loose the majority of my fitness by taking two months off from running. My chest muscles are not entirely healed yet, but I have that 10 mile race in April, so I need to just get back into it.
Fortunately, the weird feeling I had all day yesterday left me without much of an appetite. I was 130.6 this morning - the lowest in a few days. I guess I should mention the feeling hasn't really dissipated much today, so maybe I'll have another lower-calorie day. At least it makes me feel a little better. For breakfast, I had a small orange, a handful of pomegranate seeds, about 1/2 cup of homemade granola, and a gigantic glass of water. Since I ate so late, I'll plan on two meals today - my second will be before my class meeting at 3:15 - I have lettuce I need to eat, so I'll make a good sized salad. I need to remember to drink more water, and try to have three mugs of green tea. Tea always manages to calm me, which on an anxiety-ridden day is a good thing. I have my two easier classes today - US/Global public health systems and public health management... the first will be a long lecture and the second, short 10-min project progress report presentations and lecture afterward. I know I am doing well in both of those classes, so that's a relief. I am pretty certain that the way I have been scoring in my Infectious Disease class (from yesterday) will leave me with no chance of an A by the end of the semester... meaning I can kiss my 4.0 goodbye.
Sorry for being so weird and negative today. Olivia-Lee wrote a very powerful post yesterday about trying to channel some positive thoughts and visions, so that we don't turn ourselves into what we don't want to be through negative self-talk (that was a terribly confusing way to summarize her point, just go read it, you'll understand). She is right, that each of us is beautiful in our own way, we all have talents and skills, and lovely parts of our personalities that other people will love and appreciate. It's really hard for us to see it from the inside, but its true.
Oh, and one last thing. As I've done for the past several years, I am making some Lenten sacrifices. I am not Catholic - I am some variety of Protestant that I'm not even totally sure of, mainly because I find organized religion and religious people to be very judgmental, and Christ's teaching are predominately about love and encouragement (i.e Remove the plank from your own eye before removing the speck from your neighbor's eye). Anyway, I had Catholic roommates in college and I thought the ritual of making sacrifices each year during Lent is a good way to cultivate discipline, self-reflection, selflessness and help put more of your everyday thoughts on God. (And, even if you don't believe in a god of any sort, those aren't bad things to work on, so please don't judge.) So, as I typically do, I like to relinquish something material and something immaterial. This year I am giving up snacking - kind of an odd thing to do, but I think I mindlessly eat sometimes to keep myself company. Instead of eating in between meals in a vapid attempt to fill an emotional void, I need to put more trust in God and cultivate good relationships with people. As for immaterial, I am giving up criticism. This includes self-criticism - I have already failed miserably on my first day (came home from class yesterday, hopped on the scale for the, um, 5th or 6th time that day, and cried, my head swimming with thoughts of being so fat and how I shouldn't have eaten), which for a body-dysmorphic person is quite difficult. I also need to refrain from criticizing others. I do it out of concern and coming from a place of helpfulness, but sometimes people just need support, not help. In past years, I gave up gossip, and I have come to rarely do it anymore, as a matter of fact.
Is anyone else giving up something for Lent? If you are, I hope you consider the true reasons why the practice is in place... it's not about losing weight. Just a thought.
On Tuesday morning, Juan called me from the post office to let me know that he was finally mailing my things. When my phone rang, I froze and did not want to answer, but I did. He simply asked me my address and said he would call back. He indeed did call back, and I am not really sure why - just to make SUPER awkward small talk?
Naturally, this set off some bizarre emotional reactions on my end, just feeling pretty terrible and needy all day. I texted him a few times, but I chalked that up to him initially contacting me. I went to bed, had a hard time falling asleep, finally fell asleep, awoke an hour later from a totally creepy-weird nightmare, and texted him immediately.
Yesterday morning, I woke up sort of late and did schoolwork most of the morning. I was just in this total haze, where I felt completely unfocused and anxious about nothing specific. I went to my hardest class, took a quiz (which was my highest grade this semester - they are 10 questions, and we've all been averaging 6-7/10, I think I got an 8/10 on this one... which is not even good), had a lecture, and then received my first assignment back. Combine my low grade (an 83% - I cannot even remember the last time I received a grade that low, and I worked SO hard on it, sent it to my TA ahead of time to look it over) with my overall anxiety, and the second I was out of the building I just burst into tears. Hopefully, I will do a much better job on the assignment due next week, but it just turned out to be a lousy day.
I wanted to wake up early this morning, but getting out of my warm bed in my freezing apartment and just feeling sort of run down, left me lying there until 8:30. Therefore, I did not get my act together and do yoga or go for a run. Tomorrow, I think I have time for both yoga and a run, so I am trying not to be super stressed about it. I have managed to loose the majority of my fitness by taking two months off from running. My chest muscles are not entirely healed yet, but I have that 10 mile race in April, so I need to just get back into it.
Fortunately, the weird feeling I had all day yesterday left me without much of an appetite. I was 130.6 this morning - the lowest in a few days. I guess I should mention the feeling hasn't really dissipated much today, so maybe I'll have another lower-calorie day. At least it makes me feel a little better. For breakfast, I had a small orange, a handful of pomegranate seeds, about 1/2 cup of homemade granola, and a gigantic glass of water. Since I ate so late, I'll plan on two meals today - my second will be before my class meeting at 3:15 - I have lettuce I need to eat, so I'll make a good sized salad. I need to remember to drink more water, and try to have three mugs of green tea. Tea always manages to calm me, which on an anxiety-ridden day is a good thing. I have my two easier classes today - US/Global public health systems and public health management... the first will be a long lecture and the second, short 10-min project progress report presentations and lecture afterward. I know I am doing well in both of those classes, so that's a relief. I am pretty certain that the way I have been scoring in my Infectious Disease class (from yesterday) will leave me with no chance of an A by the end of the semester... meaning I can kiss my 4.0 goodbye.
Sorry for being so weird and negative today. Olivia-Lee wrote a very powerful post yesterday about trying to channel some positive thoughts and visions, so that we don't turn ourselves into what we don't want to be through negative self-talk (that was a terribly confusing way to summarize her point, just go read it, you'll understand). She is right, that each of us is beautiful in our own way, we all have talents and skills, and lovely parts of our personalities that other people will love and appreciate. It's really hard for us to see it from the inside, but its true.
Oh, and one last thing. As I've done for the past several years, I am making some Lenten sacrifices. I am not Catholic - I am some variety of Protestant that I'm not even totally sure of, mainly because I find organized religion and religious people to be very judgmental, and Christ's teaching are predominately about love and encouragement (i.e Remove the plank from your own eye before removing the speck from your neighbor's eye). Anyway, I had Catholic roommates in college and I thought the ritual of making sacrifices each year during Lent is a good way to cultivate discipline, self-reflection, selflessness and help put more of your everyday thoughts on God. (And, even if you don't believe in a god of any sort, those aren't bad things to work on, so please don't judge.) So, as I typically do, I like to relinquish something material and something immaterial. This year I am giving up snacking - kind of an odd thing to do, but I think I mindlessly eat sometimes to keep myself company. Instead of eating in between meals in a vapid attempt to fill an emotional void, I need to put more trust in God and cultivate good relationships with people. As for immaterial, I am giving up criticism. This includes self-criticism - I have already failed miserably on my first day (came home from class yesterday, hopped on the scale for the, um, 5th or 6th time that day, and cried, my head swimming with thoughts of being so fat and how I shouldn't have eaten), which for a body-dysmorphic person is quite difficult. I also need to refrain from criticizing others. I do it out of concern and coming from a place of helpfulness, but sometimes people just need support, not help. In past years, I gave up gossip, and I have come to rarely do it anymore, as a matter of fact.
Is anyone else giving up something for Lent? If you are, I hope you consider the true reasons why the practice is in place... it's not about losing weight. Just a thought.
Broken Record
The energy to write has been totally escaping me as of late - in fact, the energy to do much else but school work (of which I am obligated) and sleep and eat has been about all there is.
I spent the weekend with my brother in Seattle. I had a truly lovely time, ate without worrying about being judges or having immense thoughts of self-loathing. My brother is also a vegan, and he treated me all weekend - sushi, lots of yummy soy lattes, lunch in a Rastafari cafe, dinner a fancy vegan bistro in Downtown Seattle, strudel in a sweet Scandanavian settlement town, and other tasty things. We wandered through a zoo, rode the ferry, traipsed all over Seattle and several quaint bay-side island towns and laughed a lot. I am pretty close with my younger brother and I miss him a lot now that he is across the country. It was a good weekend, but rather than returning refreshed and relaxed, I just feel awful now.
I was hoping Juan would make it to the airport on Friday during my layover. We talked on Friday morning, and classic Juan, he waited until Friday to realize he truly wanted to come and by the time it was "too late" for him to get off work. I know in my heart that if her really, really wanted to see me, he could have called in sick. Or better yet, he could have flown to Virginia sometime in the past six weeks to see me. I am completely delusional when it comes to holding out with a glimmer of hope.
But, as I may have mentioned, he is still holding my belongings hostage. Again, these are not things to which I attach any sentimental value, but I mailed him his stuff the week we broke up, and these things belong to ME. So, in a moment of desperation the other night, I sent one of his younger sisters, who I have never met, a message on Facebook, purely with the hope that she could influence him enough to get him to send the package. He has been ignoring about 80% of my attempts to contact him, so I was at a loss of what to do. I figured mentioning to his sister would be less embarrassing than having my dad call him. I finally got Juan on the phone yesterday afternoon to tell him that I had messaged his sister and he totally lost it. He was so angry - and next to nothing raises emotion at him, so I know he was truly upset with me. I guess he just thought it was totally out of line and does not want his family involved. Its strange because we were together for so long and I always felt he might be embarrassed of me, and that why I had only met him mom and never any of his siblings or dad. He initially just kept saying, "Are you kidding me?" and then hung up. I called him back, tearful as always, and told him that I had no idea what else to do, since it has been so long and he always ignores me. He said I needed to be patient. I told him that I did not recognize this person who just does what he wants without any accountability and no regard to my feelings, especially after having claimed to love me for so long. He just said he can do what he wants. I told him he would be alone if he lived his life like that, and he said that was fine. Absolutely unbelievable. I cried for a few minutes and ended up a few minutes late to work. I cried at my desk for a bit when my boss was away from her office.
Last night, I wallowed depressed as ever, ate ice cream and cried and wasted my whole night, not doing any schoolwork whatsoever.
Today has been similar, I slept in really late and have been completely unproductive. I have eaten WAY too much than is necessary even for a normal person, and given my sedentary day, it is completely inexcusable. Finally, I am not in the least bit hungry, I just feel empty and sad, so I am not eating anything for dinner and I think I am going to just stay locked away instead of going to the party my roommates are throwing upstairs.
The most incredible thing is that when I started this blog, so many months ago - back in 2010 - it was several months after Juan and I had broken up initially and I basically felt like I do now. I felt directionless and sad - the only thing I was sure of was going to work each day (for now I have replaced that we school and schoolwork and another job/possibly two). I have no idea where my life is going. I am not one of those wildly independent, strong people, who can live life companionless. I need someone by my side, in my corner, not to necessarily help me with every little thing, but to know that I have a strong foundation that will never shake. Instead, the man who said I was his everything and who wanted to marry me, gets to move on with his perfect life and leave me gasping for air. My chest literally hurts just to think of it. Even worse when I get overwhelmed and cry.
I am sorry to write such horribly depressing things. And I am sorry that I come across as ungrateful for the wonderful things in my life - a roof over my head, plenty of food to each (even on a "broke" grad student budget), a loving family (despite its flaws), a research assistant position, somewhat affordable education, another job, a car, and a handful of truly wonderful friends (including blogging friends)... I know I am not completely deprived.
I just feel like my heart will never ever recover from this, that I can never trust anyone with my heart - it makes me not want to ever try to find love, to have children, to be around people who are in love... I have no idea how to reconcile the fact that I know, as a person, I need a companion, but the thought of ever going through this again is enough to turn me off to everything. How does someone whose very livelihood depend on companionship prepare themselves for a life of being alone? And I know that everyone will say, you have to learn from this, there is someone, somewhere who will love you unconditionally and so strongly that none of this will matter in the end. Well, the fact is that I do not believe that for a second. Sure there are people who break up, get divorced, and find love again - but no one admits to the fact that there are also a ton of people who never find anyone else! That chance at love was the one, there is not going to be another. Then what?
Sorry for rambling on and on. Hopefully this awful feeling that keeps my appetite at bay will stick around long enough for me to lost some serious pounds in the next month or so. I am consistently between 130.something and 131.something every morning. I plan to start running again tomorrow or Monday, mainly because I know the endorphins help and being lazy disgusts me. I should have been down to 118 ages ago, its embarrassing.
Thank you for checking in on me, those of you who have. And just for kicks, I have a few pictures from the weekend...
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| This was a 3300lb walrus named ET |
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| Sea otters are my absolute favorite |
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| It's only me at the zoo |
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| The full skyline of Seattle, space needle and all... it looks so small from far away! |
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| A view of Seattle from the ferry |
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| Pikes Market |
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| Yarn porn! |
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| The original Starbucks |
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| Pikes Market sign |
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| This was from a beautiful map shop |
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| I asked the barista to give me his best latte art, and he made a little devil on my soy latte |
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| The lovely town of Poulsbo |
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| More Poulsbo |
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| My brother put up with a lot of yarn shopping - this was The Churchmouse in Bainsbridge, WA |
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| Bainsbridge |
Feeling lost
I feel completely lost right now. I have not told anyone because I do not want people to be worried about me. At least I can write it here and know that at the very least one person might read it and send a positive thought or a prayer my way.
Weight wise, I'm sitting between 129-130.something for the past week. I am actually somewhat grateful, considering I have been under some stress and have sort of just been scrounging whatever I can find to eat and neglecting my food journal. I still have seven yoga classes left, which is good, because I have not been running much. I think my body needed a break after running almost daily for 11 months. I am having some odd intercostal chest muscle pain (the muscles in between your ribs) that will not seem to go away. On Sunday, I had a great run - 6.3 miles in 53 min, not too shabby for more than six weeks off. But since then I have not felt in the right place to run. I think I am just going to enjoy what is left of my yoga classes and pick back up with a serious running regimen when I return from my Seattle trip.
I am not sure if I mentioned that around here, but I had a ticket to visit Juan for next weekend, but my younger brother kindly paid for me to change it to come visit him in Seattle (he is in the Navy and stationed there). So, next Friday I leave for a long weekend.
And one more piece of news... Before I go away, I am starting a new job at a law firm in town. It's an office assistant position of 9+ hours per week in the afternoons before I have to be in class. The job is very well matched for my needs, and while I was the last candidate interviewed yesterday, the office manager offered me the position on the spot. I called her a few minutes ago to accept and start next week.
The local yarn store is also looking to hire me, hopefully for a day or two per week or on the weekends. I just need to piece together a few odd jobs and pick up some babysitting to be able to make it through the summer. I finished my first piece for my Etsy store - which once it is truly up and running, I will post the link here in case anyone wants to browse - but have a hat and a little cowl to finish for my brother and mother before I knit more things for the shop. I asked my grandmother to invest in my shop, and she lent me $100 to buy yarn. Hopefully, with my busy school schedule I can find time to do all of this. School is already busier than last semester and my research assistant position is more demanding too.
Sometimes I feel like a chicken running around with my head cut off. I miss feeling secure and like I had someone who I could depend on for absolutely anything.
Weight wise, I'm sitting between 129-130.something for the past week. I am actually somewhat grateful, considering I have been under some stress and have sort of just been scrounging whatever I can find to eat and neglecting my food journal. I still have seven yoga classes left, which is good, because I have not been running much. I think my body needed a break after running almost daily for 11 months. I am having some odd intercostal chest muscle pain (the muscles in between your ribs) that will not seem to go away. On Sunday, I had a great run - 6.3 miles in 53 min, not too shabby for more than six weeks off. But since then I have not felt in the right place to run. I think I am just going to enjoy what is left of my yoga classes and pick back up with a serious running regimen when I return from my Seattle trip.
I am not sure if I mentioned that around here, but I had a ticket to visit Juan for next weekend, but my younger brother kindly paid for me to change it to come visit him in Seattle (he is in the Navy and stationed there). So, next Friday I leave for a long weekend.
And one more piece of news... Before I go away, I am starting a new job at a law firm in town. It's an office assistant position of 9+ hours per week in the afternoons before I have to be in class. The job is very well matched for my needs, and while I was the last candidate interviewed yesterday, the office manager offered me the position on the spot. I called her a few minutes ago to accept and start next week.
The local yarn store is also looking to hire me, hopefully for a day or two per week or on the weekends. I just need to piece together a few odd jobs and pick up some babysitting to be able to make it through the summer. I finished my first piece for my Etsy store - which once it is truly up and running, I will post the link here in case anyone wants to browse - but have a hat and a little cowl to finish for my brother and mother before I knit more things for the shop. I asked my grandmother to invest in my shop, and she lent me $100 to buy yarn. Hopefully, with my busy school schedule I can find time to do all of this. School is already busier than last semester and my research assistant position is more demanding too.
Sometimes I feel like a chicken running around with my head cut off. I miss feeling secure and like I had someone who I could depend on for absolutely anything.
Finally a bit of an update
I really am terribly sorry for being away for so long. I have been reading and not commenting on a thing, because as you all know I'm suffering the drastic consequences of a breakup with the man I intended to marry in the not-so-distant future.
So where am I right now?
Well, I went home for about ten days after the break up. I spent some time wit my family, my brother came home on leave from the Navy, and I saw my friends often. I knit a sweater. I didn't exercise even the slightest bit while at home, but started Bikram yoga at a local studio before I left. I have 10 more classes to take and then I'll have to stop, I guess, or maybe go once a month. The studio is VERY expensive. I had a six-week hiatus from running, but I have a 10-mile race in April and soon I am going to register for my first marathon in September. I ran on Tuesday and a slow three miles today. School started on Monday and so far I think it will be a good semester. Fortunately, being a totally broke graduate student is doing wonders for my diet - as I am comfortably at 129 pounds. If I can lose between 10-14 more, I will finally be at my ultimate goal weight. For once, I think it is attainable.
As for Juan - it is really, truly over, unless there is some earth-shifting miracle. He finally confessed that he had been planning to break up with me and had been having doubts since Thanksgiving, but did not want to ruin my Christmas (which he did anyway). He thinks we are ultimately incompatible (amazing, since only a few months ago he was going on wax poetic about how I was the woman he wanted to have a family with). I mailed him the last of his belongings, and once I get my package with my things in it, I guess we never have to speak again. My heart absolutely aches. I miss him so much. I love him every day. I know he is being a royal asshat right now and I do not want to be with someone who chooses his job over me, but we had a wonderful relationship for the past year and a half. Despite all of the traveling and missing one another, we made it work so well, until he chose to be selfish and give his work the attention I deserve. It really just hurts so much and nothing will make it better. I am not completely in the depths of despair, only because I know I have obligations and have to keep living my life. One day at a time.
I am going to get caught up on some blog reading and finally send out some comments and thank-yous to the people who have been incredibly supportive of me through this.
I hope things are going well in this new year for all of you. Each of you deserves to be happy and at peace.
So where am I right now?
Well, I went home for about ten days after the break up. I spent some time wit my family, my brother came home on leave from the Navy, and I saw my friends often. I knit a sweater. I didn't exercise even the slightest bit while at home, but started Bikram yoga at a local studio before I left. I have 10 more classes to take and then I'll have to stop, I guess, or maybe go once a month. The studio is VERY expensive. I had a six-week hiatus from running, but I have a 10-mile race in April and soon I am going to register for my first marathon in September. I ran on Tuesday and a slow three miles today. School started on Monday and so far I think it will be a good semester. Fortunately, being a totally broke graduate student is doing wonders for my diet - as I am comfortably at 129 pounds. If I can lose between 10-14 more, I will finally be at my ultimate goal weight. For once, I think it is attainable.
As for Juan - it is really, truly over, unless there is some earth-shifting miracle. He finally confessed that he had been planning to break up with me and had been having doubts since Thanksgiving, but did not want to ruin my Christmas (which he did anyway). He thinks we are ultimately incompatible (amazing, since only a few months ago he was going on wax poetic about how I was the woman he wanted to have a family with). I mailed him the last of his belongings, and once I get my package with my things in it, I guess we never have to speak again. My heart absolutely aches. I miss him so much. I love him every day. I know he is being a royal asshat right now and I do not want to be with someone who chooses his job over me, but we had a wonderful relationship for the past year and a half. Despite all of the traveling and missing one another, we made it work so well, until he chose to be selfish and give his work the attention I deserve. It really just hurts so much and nothing will make it better. I am not completely in the depths of despair, only because I know I have obligations and have to keep living my life. One day at a time.
I am going to get caught up on some blog reading and finally send out some comments and thank-yous to the people who have been incredibly supportive of me through this.
I hope things are going well in this new year for all of you. Each of you deserves to be happy and at peace.
I feel like I have been working very hard lately to keep my eating under control. I was exactly 135.0 this morning and I really haven't been exercising at all lately because of this God-awful weather.I hereby swear that I will go for a run tomorrow morning. I can do it.
Is anyone else itching to travel? I studied abroad in Paris during college and my heart is just aching to go back. I think all of this up and down nonsense with Juan just makes me want to escape everything for a while. J'adore la France. I need to just buy a ticket and go. I don't know what I will find when I get there, but hopefully something worthwhile...
I had another "fight" with Juan on Tuesday night and I haven't spoken to him in more than twenty-four hours. It feels horrible, but he has been so awful to me lately that I just have to stick to my principles.
Work is keeping me busy enough that I don't have time to eat, which is fantastic. I go in either from 12-8 or 4-8 and do not take lunch breaks. I feel really powerful when I resist food.
Breakfast this morning was about six cherries, 4 mini baguette slices (probably one inch thick) with a bit of jam, and café au lait du soja.
Parisian inspired thinspo
Downward trend
I lost again - 135.2 after taking my dogs for a two mile walk. Such a relief to see that my efforts are paying off.
I essentially skipped breakfast, had a peach and coffee mid-morning. I am baking for two different occasions for today/tomorrow, so I did taste-test some frosting/batter, and eat 3/4 of a cupcake (made with beets! so at least it wasn't completely devoid of nutrition) I may eat one of the carrot cupcakes I made because I'm test-baking for a wedding, and need to see how they turned out. Or, I may split one with my mom and then get everyone else's opinions... that sounds like a better plan actually.
Juan was texting me all day yesterday and then we Skyped. I miss him so much - he won't admit it, but I know he misses me too. Why can't we just be together??
I essentially skipped breakfast, had a peach and coffee mid-morning. I am baking for two different occasions for today/tomorrow, so I did taste-test some frosting/batter, and eat 3/4 of a cupcake (made with beets! so at least it wasn't completely devoid of nutrition) I may eat one of the carrot cupcakes I made because I'm test-baking for a wedding, and need to see how they turned out. Or, I may split one with my mom and then get everyone else's opinions... that sounds like a better plan actually.
Juan was texting me all day yesterday and then we Skyped. I miss him so much - he won't admit it, but I know he misses me too. Why can't we just be together??
Falling
136.2 - FINALLY the numbers are really going down.
I love the high you get from losing weight. I feel so good this morning knowing that my clothes fit looser.
I'm only working a half-day today, so I need to be careful with my intake. It's easy for me not to eat at work, but when I'm at home, it's a little different.
For breakfast I had two rice cakes (80) with less than 2 T better'n peanut butter (<100 and="" blueberries="" p="">
It's such a relief to be having a good day, for once...
I love the high you get from losing weight. I feel so good this morning knowing that my clothes fit looser.
I'm only working a half-day today, so I need to be careful with my intake. It's easy for me not to eat at work, but when I'm at home, it's a little different.
For breakfast I had two rice cakes (80) with less than 2 T better'n peanut butter (<100 and="" blueberries="" p="">
It's such a relief to be having a good day, for once...
Fasting with a stomach ache
I am at about hour 14 for my fast.
I had two tablespoons of Better'n Peanut Butter since I nearly passed out after walking my dogs four miles in the eighty-five degree heat.
Still trying to keep my head afloat and gain some true perspective on life, but unfortunately neither is working.
Facebook is driving me crazy these days because I am constantly haunted by girls who are so much thinner and more beautiful than I am. My ex-boyfriend's fiancée and an old friend from high school are so gorgeous...
I had a cracker with some hummus on it, my head is pounding - not sure if it's stress, the heat, or my low blood sugar... I'm going to weigh myself right now to see if I am allowed to drink anything besides water...
Hmm, no, just water for the rest of the night... I think I might take my dogs for another walk or go for a short (2 mile) run since I'm so repulsive...
Finally cracked around hour 20 and had two rice cakes with hummus. I'm sure I'm going to gain weight by tomorrow. FML. I won't eat a thing until after I've weighed myself AFTER work, at 4:30 tomorrow.
I had two tablespoons of Better'n Peanut Butter since I nearly passed out after walking my dogs four miles in the eighty-five degree heat.
Still trying to keep my head afloat and gain some true perspective on life, but unfortunately neither is working.
Facebook is driving me crazy these days because I am constantly haunted by girls who are so much thinner and more beautiful than I am. My ex-boyfriend's fiancée and an old friend from high school are so gorgeous...
I had a cracker with some hummus on it, my head is pounding - not sure if it's stress, the heat, or my low blood sugar... I'm going to weigh myself right now to see if I am allowed to drink anything besides water...
Hmm, no, just water for the rest of the night... I think I might take my dogs for another walk or go for a short (2 mile) run since I'm so repulsive...
Finally cracked around hour 20 and had two rice cakes with hummus. I'm sure I'm going to gain weight by tomorrow. FML. I won't eat a thing until after I've weighed myself AFTER work, at 4:30 tomorrow.
Weary traveler
I am back from my adventure to Rhode Island and Boston. I actually had a really nice time seeing my friends and fortunately I was able to get plenty of exercise - walking all over Boston and a few runs.
I then drove to upstate NY to spend the weekend at my brother's with my parents. I was there for less than 24 hours and could just sense that the weekend was going to be full of conflict. Consequently, I decided to drive home - cried the entire way. I couldn't help but pray that something horrible happens to me because everyone's lives would be so much better if I wasn't in them. My parent's would be better off... my friends... Juan...
I generally just feel terrible and overwhelmed... I don't have much of an appetite, and I think that may be the only good thing coming out of this. Luckily, I was 138.2 this morning after being on vacation for a week and eating out on a regular basis...
Starting a fast now... 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24... let's see how it goes...
I then drove to upstate NY to spend the weekend at my brother's with my parents. I was there for less than 24 hours and could just sense that the weekend was going to be full of conflict. Consequently, I decided to drive home - cried the entire way. I couldn't help but pray that something horrible happens to me because everyone's lives would be so much better if I wasn't in them. My parent's would be better off... my friends... Juan...
I generally just feel terrible and overwhelmed... I don't have much of an appetite, and I think that may be the only good thing coming out of this. Luckily, I was 138.2 this morning after being on vacation for a week and eating out on a regular basis...
Starting a fast now... 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24... let's see how it goes...
Could be worse
I'm really surprised, but I weighed 138 this morning. I was expecting the worst, so while I'm not happy with that number overall, given the circumstances I'm ok with it for today.
I haven't had any food yet today, only a small glass of juice (100) and I did 4.4 miles with my dogs this morning. Granted, my post run, no-intake weight is low because I'm dehydrated.
Tomorrow, I'm leaving for RI/Boston, so I'll probably just live off of coffee and rice cakes. I need to be able to drive without feeling light headed, so I'll have to eat something.
I am baking for a wedding outside of Sacramento for July 31st, so I really need to be 130 or less by then. The bride just sent me the website of her photographer who did her and her fiancé's engagement shoot - she also did a "boudoir" shoot as a wedding gift for her future husband. I won't tell who which one is my friend, but she is absurdly tiny and gorgeous. There's a mix of body types on here - they're real women, un-retouched - but I looked through all of them, and there is certainly some thinspo.
I talked to my ex, Juan, for a little bit last night and I was being really emotional and probably annoying. I need to just put my life together so even if he is missing, I am basically happy. Being depressed and dissatisfied is not attractive at all and for some reason I am still holding on to the totally irrational notion that he might wake up and apologize...
Bad luck
My weight was unfortunately much higher this morning because I ate a falafel salad late last night and baked (read: taste-tested too much frosting and batter).
Tonight my godfather and his wife are coming for dinner, but I haven't eaten much today (2 baby soy yogurts, a few strawberries, rice crackers, and a few bites of salad), so as long as I keep my portions very small tonight and go for a run in the morning, I should be ok.
Saturday, I am leaving for approximately a week-long trip up to Rhode Island, Boston, and upstate NY. I'm visiting a friend in Rhode Island and then going to this conference, at which I am presenting, Monday-Wednesday. Then I am heading to New York to visit my brother for the weekend. Of course I am excited to do some traveling and see my friends and family, but being away always makes me gain weight because of eating out and not exercising enough.
I need to make sure I bring my running shoes and hiking gear so that I can try to keep my weight stable to lose a bit while I'm away.
In totally unrelated news, I received my check in the mail for (what was supposed to be) my deposit in my old place in San Diego, minus my utilities bill. My CRAZY roommate, however, charged me more than $200 to change the locks on the ENTIRE house because I mistakenly did not return my key (which she never even asked for!!!). I could absolutely scream, since with the other miscellaneous charges, I basically lost $350! Why do I have such bad luck???
I need to simply channel all of my current negative energy (re: crazy roommate and broken heart) into losing weight. At least I would have something to be happy about...
Definitely in the mood for a sugar-free, white chocolate soy latté...
Post dinner edit: I am going to be so disgustingly fat tomorrow :'( Time to fast...
Tonight my godfather and his wife are coming for dinner, but I haven't eaten much today (2 baby soy yogurts, a few strawberries, rice crackers, and a few bites of salad), so as long as I keep my portions very small tonight and go for a run in the morning, I should be ok.
Saturday, I am leaving for approximately a week-long trip up to Rhode Island, Boston, and upstate NY. I'm visiting a friend in Rhode Island and then going to this conference, at which I am presenting, Monday-Wednesday. Then I am heading to New York to visit my brother for the weekend. Of course I am excited to do some traveling and see my friends and family, but being away always makes me gain weight because of eating out and not exercising enough.
I need to make sure I bring my running shoes and hiking gear so that I can try to keep my weight stable to lose a bit while I'm away.
In totally unrelated news, I received my check in the mail for (what was supposed to be) my deposit in my old place in San Diego, minus my utilities bill. My CRAZY roommate, however, charged me more than $200 to change the locks on the ENTIRE house because I mistakenly did not return my key (which she never even asked for!!!). I could absolutely scream, since with the other miscellaneous charges, I basically lost $350! Why do I have such bad luck???
I need to simply channel all of my current negative energy (re: crazy roommate and broken heart) into losing weight. At least I would have something to be happy about...
Definitely in the mood for a sugar-free, white chocolate soy latté...
Post dinner edit: I am going to be so disgustingly fat tomorrow :'( Time to fast...
Moi
- désespérée de maigrir
- I hate: my weight. I love: being a vegetarian, France, tulips & poppies, anything by Paul Coehlo, baby animals, gin, knitting, dresses, kirs, cake decorating, Johnny Swim & Matt Nathanson, running, Casablanca, my best friends and family, and an amazing French man who makes everything in this world so much easier to take on