A bit of a break

What a week.

I know that in reality I have very little to complain about.  I have a roof over my head, a family who loves me, friends, I'm pursuing a masters degree in the field of my choice, and am honestly quite blessed.  My problems come from a serious lack of personal strength and independence.

Not that I am a totally weak person - it's just that I draw all of my strength from co-dependency, if that makes any sense.  I am strongest when I am in a committed romantic relationship and my friends and family are near.  When I feel supported, even when I am facing hardships, I face them head on.  When I feel lonely and isolated, I feel and act completely incapable.  I just know that if Juan was in my corner, I would be able to handle everything that life throws at me without a hitch - without him, I cannot be the best version of myself.

So this was midterms week, hence why I was quite absent from commenting and posting, for that matter.  I had exams Monday and Wednesday, assignments, presentations, and a bunch of meetings and work to do for my research assistantship.  On top of being stressed about schoolwork, finances constantly hang over my head.  I found out this week that the professor I work for, who is the chair of my department, is no longer going to be the chair.  He is being "demoted" to a normal faculty member, and thus there is a possibility that he will not be able to hire me as his research assistant next year.  On top of that, he really wanted to find funding for me for the summer to work on a gigantic project - which I was thrilled about and relieved to have found a secure summer job.  Now, everything is up in the air and it makes me so anxious.  Couple those two things with being completely heartsick and I am a bit of a mess.

Juan and I had a "good week" - if you can call it such a thing.  I know that everyone thinks I should just do my best to kick him out of my life and forget him, but for me that would never be the right thing to do.  I need to be 1,000,000,000% sure that there is nothing there - and to me it is obvious that there are feelings left.  I was able to say some things to him this week that I needed to say... about how I felt that I put too much pressure on him and I scared him away.  I wanted to plan together so we would both be comfortable.  I would no longer be scared of losing him and he would not feel so pressured to be serious.  In classic Juan fashion, he listened to everything I had to say but did not give me a good feeling of how he felt back.  Maybe this weekend I can get a better response from him.  He keeps talking about how he has been thinking of visiting.  He says he misses me.  There is nothing more that I want than to see him.  Even if it did not ultimately mean our reconciliation, we have not seen each other in nearly six months.

So weight/eating wise, I am also a bit of a mess.  I had some happy/stressful days this week that led to me throwing caution to the wind and eating way too much.  This morning I was a horrifically embarrassing weight.  I did, however, run 9.3ish miles and felt pretty nauseous all day, so I have not eaten much.  I am really hoping that tomorrow I will be back to 130 at least and then I can work harder at getting down from there.

After spending the rest of my day (after my run) in bed with a stomach ache, I decided to get dressed and go see The Artist.  It was so delightful and the lead actress was so elegant and lithe and makes me want my hair to grow!  I think I only need two more haircuts before all of the brown, dyed hair is gone (it grows in dark ash blonde, so I luckily don't have horrible roots) and my blonde hair will be back and I can grow a cute, fashionable bob.  I want my legs to finally be thin a lovely looking in short hemlines.  I will get there eventually, I know it.  I could be this chic...


Peridot (G+P) said...

Omg, I was so fucked up with flu to say that YOUR PACKAGE GOT HERE! :D I waited until after the doctors to open it. It's wonderful! Thank you! I'm waiting for my nose&throat to sort their shit out before I make the tea. Thank you so much!! *Glomps*

Some people function best solo, and some function best with a partner. I know both kinds of people, and I can't say that one is better than the other. So long as things don't become unhealthy for the person/people involved, pretty much anything is good. If you are aware of your strengths and weaknesses you are able to function more efficiently than someone who flails around, unable to pinpoint the source of their problems. (Denial is a big river that drowns many unwary flailers)

With all that stress, it is perfectly natural to be in a bit of a state! *Hugs* Just remember to do what is best for YOU, stay true you yourself and look after yourself. You can and will make it through, because you are AWESOME.

I'm glad Juan wasn't a dick :) Fuck, I do wish people could just SAY how they feel about issues sometimes, without any of that being-polite-and-pussyfooting bullshit. (Pot calling kettle! I'm the biggest emotional mute on the planet :x )

Omg I want to see that movie now! I swear the days of Audrey and Ginger were the BEST of Hollywood. Give me classic chic classiness any day! If only I had the face shape for a bob and finger-waves. I'd never have any other haircut.

Lots of love to you. Thank you once again for the wonderful yarn and tea and the Truly Amazing Timing of it's arrival!


Elena said...

I too am glad Juan is being kind to you, but please be careful. Your relationship sounds like it's been so unstable and if you do want to stay in a romantic relationship with him you both really need to work on it. If he isn't putting in as much effort as you, you need to think about saying "goodbye" to him for good.

I hope your exams and presentations went well. This time of the year is so stressful!

I also really want to see that movie! I actually like silent films. I grew up with acstresses like Clara Bow and Pola Negri and I adore the looks from those time periods :)

I hope you have a nice day,


Anonymous said...

Sorry your financial situation and jobs are up in the air. I know how stressful that can be. I totally get what you mean about being the best version of yourself in a committed relationship. I'd be a mess without my husband but with him I manage okay and can cope with things. Just be careful with Juan. He has the power to take you all over the place emotionally and I'm sure he knows it. I just don't want to see the hurt dragged on and on. I understand that you want to make sure there is no chance though.

Peridot (G+P) said...

I took the yarn to Knitting Squad because I was totally stumped at to what to make out of it's Pure Awesomness, and it nearly didn't come back with me. Boadicea was pulling puppy-dog-eyes and cradling it's Earl-Grey-Scented deliciousness with more care than she takes with her own children XD

It is wonderful and I ADORE the colour! We don't have much in the way of Angora and Mohair types here, coz Goats, Rabbitrs and Deer totally rape the native forests when they get loose, so people tend to err on the side of caution with their fluff-bearing livestock. (It's why we have so much possum fluff! Those little bastards are really doing a number on our fragile ecology.)

Wow, it came from THAT close to you? That makes it EXTRA AWESOME. I'm going to learn how to do lace just to make something really nice from it. I'm going to make a special trip to the yarn store for a thank-you present :)

Lol, yup that is EXACTLY the kind of recorder I have. A $2 plastic piece of crap from the Warehouse (New Zealand's Wal-Mart). It's cheaper to replace than a violin if I get into a traffic accident with it on my bike ^.^;

I hope your week is going well. Stay warm up there are remember to be nice to yourself!

*Massive hugs*


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