I must

I realized that it is almost one year since I have been at this horribly high (and I thought abnormal for me... but after a year, well, I don't know?) weight.

I can't take it anymore.

I'm getting married in May.  My dress looks sort of fine except that my arms are enormous - which no amount of weight lifting or push ups or Insanity is going to fix.

I must lose weight.

I must be back in the low 130s.

(Even that number is absurdly high... so what does that make my current weight?  Whale-size?)

I have no choice.

I must.

Another month has passed

So I have had two meetings with my nutritionist. I am not absolutely positive that seeing her is worth all of the money I am paying out of pocket, but she is helping me find coping strategies and approach weight loss in a healthy way.  When I talk to her it is like therapy, so perhaps it is worth it after all.

In the first two weeks after my initial appointment, things were going really well.  I have been eating a huge breakfast, which is a first for me.  I take a big scoop of oatmeal and cook it with water, add fruit and hemp seeds, or nuts.  I actually struggle to finish the bowl, but my nutritionist said I am not getting enough protein or fat in the morning, which is leaving me unbalanced and too hungry later.  So far, so good - it has prevented my midday snacking and I have lost a few pounds (though that has stagnated, so we'll talk about that in a bit)... Additionally, she told me I need to just eat bigger meals in general.  When she looked at my intake form, she said I was not eating enough, and that I should adjust to eat a bit more protein.  She said I'm not protein deficient, but that I will be more satisfied if I eat more.  I have been making an effort on this one, but I still have two big struggles - work lunches with colleagues and not planning ahead.

I saw her for another follow up appointment on Saturday and she suggested a few things.  She gave me a long list of good products to keep on hand in the event that I need to throw together a quick meal if I didn't plan ahead well.  She also thinks I should buy a rice cooker.  The theory here is that I can cook a bowl of grains, like brown rice, quinoa, or a variety of others, and have it to base meals around for most of the week.  Most of the advice she has given me so far is truly common sense, but for some reason I needed her to tell me.  I know that when I try to lose weight, I go kind of insane.  Additionally, seeing her has led me to open up a little bit about my weird eating patterns and stress to a couple of friends.  Benjamin is already privy to much of that information, but it is good to have other people understand as well.

This week, I am also trying to find my running groove.  After essentially two months of running infrequently and sporadically, I want to stay motivated through the winter and fall back in love with running.  I had a good run on Sunday, and I plan to go in a little while to run on my favorite trail.

As for the rest of my life... well, Benjamin is arrive on the 21st, which is wonderful.  My parents moved to the West coast, so it is a bit odd to be left behind.  I have been incredibly busy at work (Ebola has derailed everything!) and am trying to make sure I have down time and enough hours to a lot to knitting.  I am in total elf mode, preparing for the upcoming holidays.

That is the long and short of it.  My life is pretty stable, for the most part, since I have my little house and job and weekly activities.  I just need to put some attention into being kind to myself and taking care of my body.  Seems simple, right?








Oh, and I am not pregnant.

What should we talk about?

Over and over in my mind I have been mulling writing this post.

Should I talk about my recent trip to Bretagne?

Or about the fact that both of my grandmothers passed away within the past month?

Or should I talk about how strangely good I have been feeling with my body and how normally and generally healthfully I have been eating?

How I have managed to break my habit of stepping on the scale multiple times a day?

How I have stopped counting every last calorie and feeling guilty about it?

How I had a piece of cake at work for my second breakfast?  And how I didn't gain weight as a result?

Or that I have actually managed to lose two pounds without trying at all?

Or maybe that I am starting to believe my beloved boyfriend when he says he is attracted to me and finds me beautiful?

Or what about the fact that I am running faster and stronger?

Honestly, I have no idea what has come over me in the past few weeks.  I feel sort of at peace with my body for the first time in so many years.  I have no idea what this feeling has washed over me, but I am trying to enjoy it while it lasts, since I have no idea how long it may stay.

There's not much else to add, except that for once I feel centered.  So I am going to leave you all with some photos from my latest romantic adventures in Bretagne and comment on your blogs.

 

 

 

Stubborn

January is gone already.

My resolve for making changes has not waned, but the results have not appeared.

I finished one month of Insanity, started practicing yoga more regularly (1-2 times per week), and began marathon training.  And yet, despite the fact that I am getting strong, I am not getting thinner.  I have not lost a single pound.

I can't take it.

I am leaving on Tuesday night for France.  It's just for a long weekend.  Yes, it is extravagant, but people in love do such silly things.  I am dreading facing my boyfriend in such a state.  He is so beautiful and in such good shape.  He deserves an equally attractive partner.

The only way I will lose anything by then is skipping most meals and drowning myself in caffeine for a few days.  

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I think I can handle that for the rest of the week except for Saturday, when I must go on my long run (9 miles this week I think?)

I have been thinking about a lot of you lately.  Miranda of course, with her surgery.  Peri with her accident.  Lulu with her broken heart.  Ruby in treatment.  Bella who I just want to scoop up and hug. Isobel, who popped back onto the blog and then out again.  Piggy with her job troubles and upcoming trip to San Diego. Eloise, who left her blog ages ago but still keeps in contact via Facebook and tumblr.  Mich, well because she's Mich!  AnnaMaria with her difficult studies and plans for London.  Avy meandering the streets of my beloved Paris.  I think of you all, often.  Truly I do.

I need to get back to this blog more often.  It's the only way I will ever maintain some self control.

My weight is finally going down a little bit, slowly but surely.

I am feeling a bit stressed, as my current job (I am filling in as a receptionist at the veterinary practice where I always worked during college/before grad school) is kind of insane AND my job offer is kind of on the rocks.  Basically, I failed the civil service requirements for the position (it's the state-level HR who decides that, even though it is the county that is hiring me).  So, my future boss's solution was to propose to his personnel department that they change the job title and experience requirements (they counted me as being 8 months shy of having the required work experience) so that it will be a sure thing.  As long as the county government approves the change on November 13th, I will begin working under a provisional basis on December 5th.  Then, the position must be publicly posted.  The only thing that could lose me this position would be if a veteran applies for it during that provisional period.  The chances of that are slim, but essentially I could work in the position for three to four months and then lose it.  I am trying to stay hopeful without being excited.  On the upside, since I will not begin my new job before Benjamin arrives, I will have plenty of time to spend with him (the big downside being that my funds for entertaining him will be severely limited).

I stopped doing Insanity when I realized that I cannot waste all of the beautiful running weather we have been having.  I have been doing a fair bit of trail running and yoga with my friend who is training to be a yoga instructor.  Unfortunately, I have completely wiped out on the trail twice in the past few weeks - there are so many leaves!  It's hard to see where you are running, and on Thursday I went for a short, but intense run (a little over 4 miles total with the first and last miles at 5k race pace) and fell flat on my face somewhere at the end of the 4th mile. This weekend I was able to run some more and went hiking with my friend.  Today I ran another four miles, and I am feeling pretty good in that department.

Eating has been… ok?  I have been eating mostly three square meals.  I skip meals occasionally, mostly out of being busy rather than an actual effort to deprive myself of food.  With the exception of some very tempting Halloween candy at work for one or two days, I hardly eat there (kale salad, a piece of fruit, and LOTS of tea).  I know that going into the holiday season and in preparation for Benjamin's visit, I need to seriously cut back.  Today, after my run, I had a fairly large breakfast, but since I ate late, I may just skip lunch, stick to tea, and have dinner when I return from work.

Most of my clothes are fitting better again and I am feeling pretty positive in the body image department, which is a small miracle.  I still have some articles that I would like to fit better, and I would be MUCH happier if I was seeing ten pounds less on the scale each morning.  I need to remain level headed, since I know when I start this new job, I will be stressed and I want to try and avoid destructive behaviors.  Even though I am in a relatively good place at the moment, I know it does not take much to tip me to the negative side.  Even now, for example, I splurged on some fancy lingerie for when Benjamin is here, and while my friend came with me and I trusted her to give me her true and honest opinions, I felt horribly self conscious and thought to myself that I would look so much better if my thighs were that much smaller and I was X pounds lighter.  We all know that in most cases, if someone is attracted to you (of whichever gender) and you are wearing something provocative/nothing at all, they are rarely critical and are just excited at the prospect.  I know he won't judge me, so why can't I stop judging myself?

It's been a while

I know, I know, it has been a while...

Now I finally have time for some regular updates AND if the past is any indication for my future, writing on here has always helped me lose weight, and right now that is a major goal.  But we will get to that in a minute.

So lately... things with my boyfriend are going smashingly.  We Skype a lot and have exchanged a bit of mail.  We managed to talk about some tough things, especially concerning Pauline, and are just really solid (which is incredible, considering the distance).  Unlike with Juan, who I was constantly afraid would lose interest, Benjamin has already made travel arrangements to spend almost three weeks here with me in November, and invited me for Christmas.  He is constantly making me feel appreciated and it is obvious that he truly cares about me.  I am in a very good, safe, comforted place with this.

In other news, I restarted Insanity, so I begin week two tomorrow.  I will also be taking yoga classes at least once a week with a friend who is going through teacher training.  She is awesome and needs to practice being a yoga teacher, and I am an eager poor student, so we are a great match.  And if that was not challenging enough, I have been trying to keep some regular running dates (8 miles tomorrow after Insanity!!) and am organizing a 5k for Thanksgiving.

The biggest news of late, which is legitimately huge, is that I received a job offer today!  I have been hunting since May, and had a bunch of phone interviews, but this was my first offer.  I am definitely going to take it, as the job is interesting, I am qualified and prepared for it, I can live at home, and the salary is quite good.  I will be able to work on paying off my student loans ASAP and get a new car (mine is about to start having horrible things go wrong with it and will not be worth fixing).  Also, it is much easier to get to France from here than, say, San Francisco or Madagascar (both places I interviewed for).  I feel like it's a bit of a dream to begin my first adult job, after all of these years in school, but I am psyched.

And then, as always, there is my weight.  I came from France at an embarrassingly high weight.  Not that I gained that much (four pounds), but I was too heavy before I left, and have not seen the scale budge since I returned.  Since my boyfriend is arriving in 55 days and I am about to start a new chapter in my life, now is just as good of a time as any to get into gear.  The results from Insanity will be so much better if change my eating and I will fit back into some of the clothes I would like to wear to work.  I am somewhat satisfied with how my body looks, to be honest.  I wish I didn't have such a double chin when I smile and that my thighs/arms/waist were a bit slimmer, but overall I think I have battled a lot of those demons when I was away this summer.  That being said, I know that when I am stressed and busy (which is about to happen), those thoughts creep back and certain behaviors return.  I am trying very hard to be health, but at the same time, I would love to reach my dream of 125 (well, my ultimate dream is 118, but it's impossible and I would probably look ill).  In short, I do not have a very well laid-out plan for my meals yet, but I am going to work on planning the next two weeks tonight and tomorrow and it is obvious that I need to track my calories.  The exercise I am doing is great and healthy.  I just need to keep the other bits healthy too.

How the hell is everyone???  I am up to date (for the most part) on reading, but I feel so disconnected.

To Munich with love

One week from today, I will be sitting on a plane, heart broken and excited at the same time, on my way back to the United States.

Since my last entry a few weeks ago, you could say that a few things have changed.  I spent the remaining time with my family here soaking up the sun and enjoying their company as much as possible.  My summer with them was incredibly therapeutic and helped heal my soul in so many ways. Besides healing me, however, I think I was also able to make a positive impact on their lives as well - especially my Mamie.  She has struggled to process Pauline's death, and when I arrived would cry at the mention of her name.  After spending most of my free time with her, I believe I was able to help her in some way.  While no one will ever forget or "get over" this tragedy, it is possible for your daily life to move forward and to honor Pauline in a positive way.

For most of July and August I was privileged to have the opportunity to totally relax and spend countless hours laying in the sun one the sand next to the ocean.  This is the only time in my entire life where I have had more than one week of vacation at one time, and the first time in approximately six years that I have visited the beach!  I am typically pale as can be throughout the entirety of summer, as I spend all of my time working, but this summer I decided to just embrace my good fortune and get a tan.  Between eating relatively healthy, fresh food, and continuing my exercise, I was able to forget some of my hang ups and clear my mind enough to spend most of my time in a bathing suit.  It's amazing when you "fake it to make it" and eventually your mind itself shifts in a positive direction.

Which leads me to my next development... I know several of you were (justifiably) concerned about my nascent relationship with Pauline's former boyfriend, Benjamin.  During the first weeks of us bantering back and forth, I mulled over the same questions a million times in my mind.  As time went by, and the date for my return to Munich approached, I became even more nervous - thinking when I arrive he will be disappointed, or it will be weird, or it will feel wrong, or our friends will be angry, and a million other negative thoughts.  I am pleased to report, however, that the second we laid eyes on each other at the airport, every last little negative sentiment disappeared and we just melted into each other.  It could not have felt more right.

The past two years have been difficult for us both.  Between my up-and-down relationship and excruciatingly painful breakup with Juan and Pauline's disappearance and death, both of us were definitely in a position to feel like we would spend the rest of our lives alone.  Even after having a bit of fun with Allan, I still felt like I had a gaping hole in my heart in the shape of Juan.  Being with Benjamin has made me realize that it's not a matter of a hole in my heart - he has taken my heart and completely enveloped and wrapped it up with the utmost care.  My God, he is spectacular.  His kindness, generosity, and sensitivity astound me.  He is so level headed, but understands emotions like no man I have ever met.  We constantly make each other laugh and see eye-to-eye on important things. If forgot how it felt to know that someone was genuinely interested in your hope and dreams and fears. He is intelligent, clever, hardworking, and curious. And perhaps the best of all, he looks at me with the same kind of admiration I feel for him.

We spent Saturday in Salzburg and had such a lovely, easy, natural time together.  Sunday we spent the morning in bed, and it wasn't long before neither of us could hold it in any longer.  Like he was ready to burst, he trembled and told me that he loved me.  In the past, I have always accepted this sentiment graciously and waited with careful consideration to reply.  Before I even arrived in Munich, I knew I was already in love with him, so of course I said it back.

He is not afraid of my past and my heartbreak.  He is not afraid to discuss the serious things that are a part of our lives, mainly a huge ocean and the need for one of us (likely me) to relocate.  I was clear that I could never move my life so far away from everything without knowing I would be married, even though moving to France is something I have wanted to do for my whole life.  He said he would NEVER ask me to do that unless he was sure he would have me forever.  He is buying a plane ticket for Thanksgiving and wants to meet my family.  His parents have already invited me for Christmas.

We both just keep saying that it can't be true.  Life isn't this good.

And at the same time, I know it feels exactly how it should feel.

Sorry to be gushing uncontrollably about this.  I know there have been times in my life where this would be the last thing I would want to read.  But I suppose it is good to share so that we all realize there is good in the world and you are entitled and bound to be happy at some time.  We do not all need to remain broken - or at least if we are broken, we can put our attention on healing ourselves and helping to heal others through love.

I have also learned through a string of many relationships, that when my partner makes me feel inadequate (for whatever reason) my dysmorphic thoughts abound.  When I am treated with kindness and affection of the most true sort, I am somehow able to relax and treat my body with the respect it deserves. (Although my God, I really wish I had a scale right now... I'm actually quite sure I have not gained, and possibly even lost).  This is no way universal, but I'm sure someone else must feel this way.

So, I leave you with some photographs from our weekend and I will return in about ten days.

 

One month to go

Less than a month has passed since my last post, but much has changed...

I have one month to go before I return to the United States, and I am determined to make it worth while.  Since I last wrote, I spent a weekend visiting friends in Munich and have returned to the beach (rough, I know).  I started Insanity at the beginning of July, which was been going ok so far.  This week is the "recovery week" and I am truly trying to rest. A lot of the jumping has been irritating my hips/hip flexors.  Additionally, we have had some lovely, breezy weather the past few mornings, so I have been running. The combination is a bit much for my joints today, so I am taking some I unscheduled rest. Maybe if I feel good tonight, I will do the recovery video, as it really is less intense.  I do not have a scale, but I am fairly certain that I am the same size as when I arrived... Meaning too heavy, obviously, but that is better than gaining.  I think I am somewhere right around 140 lbs, which is my upper limit.  My ultimate dream is to be 118, which seems forever from now.  But, for the next three weeks I am trying to be extra disciplined in preparation to go back to Munich.

Which brings me to my next bit of news...

So Munich. Around the 18th of July, I ventured to Munich to visit Pauline's boyfriend (obviously he is not her boyfriend anymore, but they were dating/living together when she disappeared/died). We all had a lovely (and kind of crazy!) weekend together and because I arrived the night before everyone else, and left the afternoon after everyone else, I had the chance to spend some time with Benjamin, just the two of us.  Well, after all of that, I guess if come as a great surprise to us both that it was incredibly difficult to part ways at the airport.  The entire weekend I thought he was flirting with me, but then I just chalked it up to me being a little crazy and him being suuuuuuuuper nice.  Au contraire... Since then we have been chatting and Skyping with great regularity and it is clear that he he very interested in me.   I honestly cannot say enough good things about him.  While the situation is unconventional, to say the least, I hope our friends will be ok with it.  Pauline and I had a lot in common, so many is not so surprising that we like each other? And on top of that, Benjamin and I have shared this horrible, unspeakable experience together.... It's a very difficult thing to explain to someone, and frankly unless you have experienced it or something similar, I believe it is impossible to understand. S even in the face of great tragedy, I suppose we have been brought together.

So where does that leave me? And Allan? And Benjamin?

Well, last week, I called Allan and broke up with him.  It was not my intention to end things over the phone while I was in Europe, but I also felt it unethical to perhaps get involved with someone else before tying up the loose ends with Allan.  To say that he was angry and upset is a major understatement.  I know we weren't together for long, but he felt very strongly about me.  I have never broken up with anyone, so I hope I managed to do it in a kind way.  Today, in fact, I am going to the post office to send him a small package... I knitted a sweater for his new little baby that should arrive any day ow, I bought her sweet little booties in Paris and a beautiful wallet for him in Italy.  In addition, I wrote him a letter to explain some things and one fully alleviate some pain.  I am so sorry to have hurt him, but I hope with some time he understands that this was inevitable and necessary.  Maybe if we met five years in the future, it would be different.  But the facts remain hat he is still married and having another baby, this week.

And in the meantime, Benjamin very very kindly bought me a plane ticket to go back to Munich on the 23 or August.  I will be there ith him for a week, we will head to a party at our friends in Amboise (south of Paris) and then to Paris for a few days before I go home.  It feels a bit dreamy in fact, and at the moment three weeks feels like an eternity.  I must say, it feel so good to be all full of butterflies.  I am nervous as all get out that after spending some more time ith me he will realize that A. I am not all that exciting/fun/cool/loveable and B. long distance relationships are a little crazy.  Obviously, I will have to wait and see. But for now, I have stumbled on some good fortune and I am trying to enjoy it.  He's a total catch... Smart, gorgeous, French, has a job and an apartment, nice family, so polite and maybe the kindest person I know.  And we have a lot in common... We will see...

So what else?

I am just trying to not feel guilty about spending another month sans employment (I search every day and am constantly applying).  I have a lot of down time to visit the beach and knit, which even though logically it makes me feel super guilty, I know that it is good for healing my soul and I have she rest of my life to work.  I am also trying to let go of food and weight hangups, which is sort of-not really working.  My head is still a mess, and there have been days where I refused to go to the beach be ause I did ot want to be seen in my bathing suit.  But then yesterday I ran in my sports bra and spent the afternoon in my bikini... But then this morning I caught a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror and cannot help but compare myself to my impossibly tiny host mother/aunt/cousins girlfriend... It's a constant mental back-and-forth.  It hasn't really affected me eating, per se, which I guess is healthy.  I et three square meals but no snacks (the French don't reply do snacking), and mostly vegetables and fruit.  I am also eating bread and cheese, which I never do in the US, which is probably why I haven't lost anything.  In preparation for Munich, I am going to exercise as much as I can... Insanity, running, swimming, and stick to salad and tea.  I think I can do it.  And even if I don't really lose weight I know it will make me feel better.  Pauline was insanely petite, so I cannot help but compare myself to her too.

I have been reading everyone's blogs (though not watching vlogs because of my spotty Internet connection) but without Google reader I am finding it more difficult to comment... From my tablet, it irks, but from my phone (which is what I mostly use to read), I can't figure it out.  I have been keeping up, though! Please don't feel ignored, friends.

I hope everyone is enjoying their summers... August always goes by in a flash for me, whether I am on vacation or working or anticipating a new school year... So no matter what you re doing, I hope you can pause and enjoy life for a little.  As for those of you in wintertime down south, I'm not sur that all applies... Just have a cuppa, ok?

Much love.

Paris and Roma

Some of you might remember that I am taking a bit of an extended vacation this summer.

On the 5th of June I left for Paris. After a layover in Rekjavik, I arrived and settled in with my friend Pauline's family (she is my darling friend who went missing and was found dead last year). They put me up for the night and it was good to reconnect with them. I spent the next two days with friends from the States, showing them around and helping them navigate. They were nice enough to let me stay in their hotel too. I spent one more night with Pauline's family, and then went to my friend Benjamin's apartment until I left for Rome.

Benjamin and his girlfriend were so nice to put me up for ten days in their little flat. It was nice to just wander around all day and then reconnect in the evening to make dinner together and catch up. Benjamin was Pauline's best guy friend, and his girlfriend also knew her very well.  We had a little reunion dinner of all of the friends of hers who are in Paris, and had a nice time catching up and remembering her. If you are friends with me on Facebook or follow my Instagram, you'll know I've been taking quite a few photos of my trip so far... My Instagram is sashoemaker if you are interested.

Right now, I am in Rome, however. A friend of mine was teaching a workshop and living in an apartment here for to weeks and invited me to tag along. He is a sculptor, and he and his friend ran a two week class of sculpting and learning about sculpture in Rome. The location of the apartment and the studio are both great and central. I was afraid I would never learn my way around Rome, as it is much more confusing than Paris, but in fact I have a decent handle on things now.  Unlike Paris, where I just wandered without agenda, having done a lot of tourist things in the past, here I was on a mission for my first few days. I saw the Borghese Gallery, visited the Vatican, and the Colosseum/Palatine/Roman Forum all in three days.  In between, I went to see great sculptures in a handful of cathedrals throughout the city.  The students in the group were so much fun and it was great to hang out with them and not bother my friend all the time.  They ranged in age from 22-55 or so, and had a wide variety of professions, and were from all over the world.  Typical me, I had a few Mexican guys keeping me company until they left this morning.  It was of course, flattering, but I miss Allan.

So what about food and exercise? Well, I've been eating more than usual at mealtimes, for sure. But, I have or been snacking whatsoever since I left the US. I have, on the other hand, not been running much (I was better with it in Paris, but Rome has been scorching and my days have been packed...  I'll probably go tonight). I have no scale and brought mostly jersey dresses and things that don't show if I've gained, so I really have no idea.  Have the miles and miles of walking in e heat balanced out the food and wine? I guess I should take some measurements today. That will help.  My only trouble is that I have been eating wheat almost every day, which leaves me with a bit of a swollen belly.  Regardless, I need to gauge.  And, Allan and I are starting Insanity on July 5, when I am settled again in France.  I know that will help a lot too.

Even though I've been eating and letting myself go a bit, I haven't been feeling too down. Maybe I'm just distracted a lot, and have had a lot of flattery from the guys around here... I don't know.  I do know I am in no shape to be in a bathing suit on the 5th, but I'm trying to just keep myself generally relaxed.  That is the whole reason I am here, after all. To distress and heal.

I hope everyone is well... My Internet availability has been sporadic, so I am quite behind on blogs.  I managed to send out a few postcards to my lovely friends here, but Peri, I am missing your address and I sent you an email that you ignored! Over wise, LuLu, Mich, Ruby, and Cinnamon should have seen some mail by now.  If I didn't send you one, don't feel left out... Is mainly just whose current addresses I was sure I had... And they cost a lot in the end! I send about 20 total, which is €0.95 each for postage and then the post card too! Yikes!

I am going to try and catch up on a bit of blogs reading today and hopefully will post again when I'm in France.

Much love <3

Back in town

In general, I had a really nice time in California visiting my friends.  In all honesty, even though I had such a rough time when I lived there in 2009-2010, I did not want to leave.  I forgot that I truly enjoy the pace of life there.  My friend that was kind enough to host me went through a difficult breakup this fall.  She also invited her friend from college to stay with us who is going through some very heavy personal stuff right now.  Basically, we were a slumber-party-support-group.

The weather was on the chilly side, but so sunny.  I ran every day and enjoyed the change in scenery, hitting up my old running paths and trying to let me soul rest for a bit.

I met up with several of my friends from work and graduate school, which was so great, overall, but also sad in the sense that I ended up talking about Pauline and Juan A LOT.

Ah, and speaking of which, Juan and I were in contact a bit and I was thinking he might drive down to see me.  He told me he really wanted to come but that it was a bad idea.  I know he's right.  It has been more than a year since we really broke up.  I sort of freaked out and cried a lot when I realized he was not going to come - mainly because I am really struggling with the notion of NEVER EVER seeing him again.  And the fact that he either does not really think of it like that, or he does not care/is ok with it.  I don't know.

One of the major highlights of the trip, however, was a great afternoon coffee date with my friend who hosted me, our friend from work, and our lovely Miranda!  I told my friends I was going to meet a girl whose blog I read.  I explained that it was basically like a diary where you get public commentary, but that the entire idea is that no one you know in real life reads it.  They seemed perfectly satisfied with that.  I did not tell them that I have a blog too.  Anyway, Miranda was so, so, so lovely and friendly (and skinny!) and we had a lovely time drinking tea and getting to know one another a bit.  Miss Miranda, I hope you had as good of a time as I did, and its good to know we're both nice, non-pyscho internet people in real life, right?

The only souvenir I brought back from San Diego was a few pounds around my middle.  I did not have access to a scale while I was there, and we ate out for nearly every meal.  I was pretty well behaved, honestly, sticking to salads and light fare, but I think the combination of more sodium than usual and not controlling the calories myself left me in bad shape.  I will not give an exact number, but even after taking a laxative tea last night (traveling and changing time zones and eating wheat all messed with my tummy a bit, so it was for good reason) I was over 140.  I was looking at an old photo of me from the summer of 2010 last night and I know I was about 8 pounds less then, I looked so much better.  I am resolved to do what I have to do to lose weight right now.  I have done it before, I know I can do it now.  Especially since I start school and my internship this week - the stress and busy schedule will leave me not eating much.  My clothes are not fitting right and I cannot take a photograph without feeling disgusting.  Plus, I want to show people my tattoo, but my gross middle is prohibiting me from being more comfortable with that.

Oh, and I am on day 17 of my running streak - it happens to be snowing/raining today, but I am not going to stay in and waste the day.

I know I have been totally out of it as of late, so I have only been reading and not really leaving any comments.  How is everyone doing?

Ruby, I want your address so I can send you a little something...

My final sunset in San Diego

Marathon?!?

So, I am home at my parents' house right now and in a few hours we are driving to upstate NY.  In the morning, I am running a marathon.

I feel a bit insane.  I have been training for this all summer.  I even managed to avoid the scale for the past three days knowing that I had to eat more carbs and drink more water than usual (and the numbers would likely upset me).

When it is over, I am drinking champagne.

And next week, I can finally start losing again.

I will let you know how it goes.

Weight is up

My weight is up (deservedly, from such bad eating) by a few pounds.

It's going to rain today, so I am likely not getting to run (maybe tomorrow??) but aside from the ten almonds I had for breakfast, I am only allowing myself coffee and tea today.  I just need a clean day to put my mind at rest.  Everything feels so out of control, but I think I can handle this.

Have a good weekend, everyone.

Not my photo... just search "Paris rain" on Google

A-Z

A. Age: 24
B. Bed size: Twin, but it's on my resolution list to upgrade to a queen.  Probably this one, unless I can find something vintage and cheaper
C. Chore that you hate: Folding socks

D. Dogs: 2 at home with my parents - Petey (pit-bull mix) and Lucy (German shepherd/collie mix)... here it's just me and Louisette, my snowshoe Siamese

E. Essential start to your day: NPR and my favorite blogs

F. Favorite color: Green

G. Gold or Silver: Tough choice - silver and rose gold

H. Height: 5’7.5”

I. Instruments you play:  Violin (I can still do this, but I am rusty), mallet percussion (I can still do this too, but not well), and flute/piccolo (I think I have lost all of these skills)

J. Job title: Graduate Student of Public Health/Graduate Reserch Assistant - it's also on my resolution list to secure another part-time job. Hopefully at the local fair-trade boutique, running store, or yoga studio, or babysitting

K. Kids: Not yet, but I would like three or four

L. Live: Washington, DC metro area (Northern Virginia) for school

M. Mother’s name: Susan

N. Nicknames: Shoe, Shoey, Lovey, Sarita

O. Overnight hospital stays: When I was four, I had salmonella and was in the hospital for 11 days

P. Pet peeves: Not planning, not following through, dirty floors, sinks full of dirty dishes, unmade beds

Q. Quote from a movie: "We'll always have Paris" Casablanca

R. Right or left handed: Right

S. Siblings:  Two, one older brother and one younger brother (who just returned from his first tour on a Naval submarine!)

T. Typical day: Wake up between 7:30-8:30, turn on the lights, feed Lou Lou, turn on NPR, check email and blogs, go for a run, Skype, do school work, eat brekkie/lunch, go to class, eat dinner, feed Lou Lou, putz around online, go to sleep

U. Underwear: Anything fun, especially with some modal, which is incredibly soft

V. Vegetable you hate: Turnips - I swear, it's THE ONLY vegetable I hate

W. What makes you run late: Forgetting to look at the clock, making tea or coffee to go

X. X-Rays you’ve had: Fingers twice, foot twice, knee once, and I think that's about it

Y. Yummy food that you make:  French chocolate cake with ganache, tamales, carrot cake with rum-soaked raisins and orange-blossom cream cheese frosting

Z. Zoo animal: Otters! If I am ever a zoo animal, I want to be an otter - best. life. ever.

Out of Town

Just a quick note - I am in Tennessee right now for my kids' National Rowing Championships.

Anyway, we left on Wednesday morning, and between the 12 hour car ride, the skeevy hotel, the absolutely oppressive heat and humidity and eating out every meal at a restaurant, I am positive I have gained all of the weight I lost the past two weeks (I was down to 134).  I am disgusted - particularly with how I ate 1,000,000,000,000,000 chips and with salsa at dinner last night.  Tonight, I am going to try to find a treadmill in this hovel and kick my ass tonight.  I am so gross.  I want to be a lithe, slim, light and fast 118, not 135, or even worse, probably 137 or 138 right now.

Sorry for the sort of depressing rant.  I'm catching up on reading right now and I'll get to commenting on Monday when I return.

Still no word about the job, even though they insisted a decision would be made this week.

Another week has gone by

I don't really think I am that much closer to under 130 by the time Juan arrives.  I am still keeping up with my exercise - 6 days a week, running, weight and circuit training - but my restriction just isn't enough.

I had a little bit of a breakthrough today, though... I did not weigh myself before/after the gym/before eating for the first time in... years!  I hope that staying away from the scale today, hitting the gym for a good 500-calorie burning workout, drinking a ton of water and tea, and barely eating will reward me tomorrow.  The other day I was 131.4 after the gym, but I feel heavier than that now.  Hence why I must behave today.

For breakfast, I drank this super green smoothie (kale, o.j., soy milk, mango, banana, peaches, flax seeds, ice) and I ate a piece of the gluten free vegan biscotti I made last night - the whole recipe had barely any sugar in it, so I don't feel guilty.  I am going to the health food store, Starbucks, and to the camera shop to try and make a decision about the Olympus PEN E-PL1 I am considering.

Tomorrow is Easter, a great day!  I won't ruin it with chocolate (plus, what does chocolate have to do with Jesus rising from the dead anyway??) and I will go for my long run, 7-8 miles, weather permitting.

My mind feels stable and healthy today, which is wonderful.  That, combined with determination, is going to help me get to my goal of 118ish.  I know I can lose more than 15 pounds.

How is everyone?  I've been using Tumblr a bit over the past week, so I'm quite behind on reading and commenting.  I hope you're all enjoying your long weekends and making healthy choices.  Fruits, veggies, green tea, water and exercise lovelies...

And lastly, a little thinspo...

  

Fasting until Saturday?

There is no way I am going to be 3-4 pounds lighter tomorrow.  I definitely have to fast today and tomorrow, but seriously, I am sabotaging myself.  I was supposed to be 125 by the time I cut my hair, then I compromised with 129, well, there's no way.  Fasting is definitely in order.

For those of you who asked about my new hairstyle...

I am pretty nervous, I have hair down to the middle of my back now.  I would post a picture, but honestly, I am too embarrassed with the way I look right now.  I know I am doing a good thing by donating it, but it is still scary at the moment.  I know once it is all off I will feel fine and completely motivated to stop putting food in my gluttonous mouth.

I really hope there is some sort of miracle today and between the gym, hydrating, and staying away from food, that I can be more comfortable.  How did I let myself gain again?  I vowed never to be over 130.

I think I am going to go to the gym early for an hour of cardio (on the elliptical, since I still cannot run on account of my foot), my class, and an extra set or two of the weight circuit.  I know I have been lifting weights quite often now, so some of my gain might be on account of that, but honestly, my body is looking fatter, not leaner, so I know it's not a good enough excuse.

Update... I did half an hour on the elliptical before class, then the 45 minute bursting class, which totally kicked my ass this morning.  My arms and legs felt like jelly afterward, so I did not return to the elliptical or lift at all.  I wish I wasn't so weak and could pump out two hours at the gym.  Anyway, I have been drinking lots - water, tea, almond milk - and had homemade carrot/sweet potato soup for lunch.  I know that it is low in calories and filling, so I think it is a good choice for fasting.  I am going to make it through tonight on more soup (lentil maybe?) and tea.  I can totally handle this.

Embarassed

I know it has been almost a week since my last post, but honestly, I have been so embarrassed about my eating and my weight that I can hardly even write now.

Thank you for the well-wishes regarding my stress fracture.  All I can think about now is how much I want to run.  I had an MRI this morning and I have my doctor's appointment on Friday.  I have been still working out - lifting, using the elliptical, and taking my class - but I fee like running is the only thing that keeps me thinner.  My weight is disgustingly high.  I did a few days of liquids last week and was down to 129.5 on Sunday morning... now, I cannot even say.  Granted, I ate some salty things yesterday, so today I'm shying away from that and drinking lots of coffee and green tea in hopes that I'll have happier numbers tomorrow.

I had my class and then did an extra 15 hard minutes on the elliptical (total of 60 minutes) today.  I just had breakfast - 1 cup rice chex, 1 cup plain unsweetened almond milk, 6 pecans, 1/2 cup unsweetened frozen mango - about 300 calories, a lot for breakfast for me, but it's already 11:30 and I plan to not eat until dinner.

I also have an appointment to have my hair cut on Friday - if you remember, I am cutting it ALL off and donating it.  I desperately wanted to be 125 by the time I cut my hair, but alas, I have failed again.  Maybe seeing my chubby face without my hair to hide it will be the extra kick in the pants I need to stop shoving food in my mouth.

Thank you Ariana, Ana Marie, Athena, Sofia, Dani, A Quiet Battle, Lorna, Sophie, Amy, and of course Adeline, for the kind words of encouragement and gratitude you express through your comments and on your blogs.  I know that even when I am feeling downright terrible, you lovely ladies help pick me up.  I promise I will do better this week.  I am shooting for 129.0 or less by Friday.  My ultimate goal this year is to be under 120, like 118.  I think that at 5'7.5" that is a reasonable, but thin weight.  I just need to stop fooling around and indulging.

Lots of love, my dears...

FML

My weight is up again - too embarrassing to post.  I feel terribly about myself and I couldn't run yesterday because of my stupid foot.  My mom thinks it is a stress fracture.

Luckily, I am going to the gym this morning, even though it snowed last night and the roads are crappy.  I need to burn off some of this gross fat that is plaguing my body.

No solid food today.  No solid food until I am properly down to 128.

Sorry for the grumpy post, I just feel like crap today.

Thank you for the positive comments yesterday - I will get my lame bum to commenting when I return fro the gym.

Counting calories

I did not weigh myself for the first time in months, today.  I was having horrible stomach cramps last night (too much wheat probably) and did not have my normal bathroom routine this morning.  Thus, I was just too damn scared to step on the scale.

I took my cleanse pills and had a small bowl of rice chex with light soy milk and strawberries before going to the gym.  I've decided to start keeping a calorie log again here.  According to the counter, my breakfast was 118 and my lunch 203 and I had 5 raw cashews, I'm not sure how many ounces that is, so I'm guessing the amount a little and figure it is 57 calories.  The total so far: 378

I went to the wellness center for my class today, ran 1.2 miles on the treadmill at 8mph, did the 45 minute class, did 2 more miles on the treadmill at 7mph and then a few ab and back exercises.  My heart monitor says I burned 753 calories, which is great.

I need to get this silly body of mine leaner and faster.  That means more training, more weights, and less food.  I definitely need to work on reducing my fat intake.  Even when I have really low calorie days, I eat nuts and such, which are full of (albeit heart-health) fat.  Tonight, I am going to have a salad when I come home from work and only use vinegar, no oil.  Lettuce, a roasted red pepper, cucumber, sundried tomatoes (not in oil), and grated beet and carrot with vinegar and salt and pepper.  Low calorie and YUM!  I especially need to prepare because my mom told me we are having sushi tomorrow night for my brother's birthday.  I will have either seaweed salad or miso soup and a vegetable roll.  I hate that Japanese food is so full of sodium.  It is delicious and generally quite good for you, but the sodium!!!  I am going to my class at 6:15 and will probably run 1.5 miles before and after on the treadmill there.

Alright, it is time for a shower, to get my day in order, and to comment on some blogs.

Hmm

So yesterday was a great day. I was down to 129.2 and tested out my new sneakers (a gift from my amazing marathoner friend) on a lovely four mile run that took me about 37 minutes.

I ate like a bird all day, just some fruit and carrots and lots of low/no calorie drinks since I knew I would be going out to have sushi last night.

At dinner, I ordered seaweed salad (my favorite!), a pot of green tea, and three kinds of veggies rolls (only 6 pieces each, rather than fish ones that have 8) - avocado, veggie, and japanese pickle. Unfortunately, I ate it all and had some of those fried noodles that they put on your table while you are waiting for your food.

I was too scared to weight myself this morning because I know all of that salt will cause me to gain two or three pounds of water in an instant.

I also decided to take a photo of myself - since I've noticed a nice trend in the before-and-after department here around Blogger. This is more of a "middle" more than a "before," but my goodness is it a painful reminder of how much work I have left. Considering I wanted to be 125 by Thanksgiving, which is in 10 days...

So I know I have been in worse shape than this, but my thighs are definitely disgustingly huge and my arms will forever be chubby, it seems. I don't know how I am possibly fitting into a size 2/4 right now. Oh, and that tape measure reads 25.5"