The only exciting thing happening as of late is that I have begun my marathon training.
Last week I ran six out of seven days, including ten miles in the dark yesterday morning. It has been SO hot here that I woke up at five in the morning to run, and then took a shower and went back to sleep afterward. I have even more intense workouts planned this week and in fact, I am kind of excited about it.
The weird thing about all of this running is that for the first time in years, with the exception of a few times when I have stayed at someone else's house (although even then, I occasionally pack my scale like a crazy person), I have not been weighing myself every day. Normally, I like to wake up, check my email, go to the bathroom, sit around, go to the bathroom again, weigh myself, drink coffee or water, and go for a run. Because I have been having to complete my workouts in time to get to work by nine in the morning, I have not been weighing myself first thing each day. Maybe this is too much information, but I like to be "empty" when I get on the scale, and that does not happen first thing. It is really strange to not know my weight every day and it is making me a little nuts. Sometimes I weight myself afterward, but its hard to tell how accurate it is.
This morning I was 136.8 - higher than I would like, but I think I increased my caloric intake last week and felt a bit stressed. Hopefully, this week I will find a better balance and the numbers will start going down. I feel so heavy sometimes when I run, and I want to be light and spritely.
I suppose things around here are shaking up a little - Isobel has decided it is finally the right time for her to leave blogger, which I think it ultimately a healthy decision for her. Lottie is taking a break for the summer and also trying to get healthier. Dani is back and could use lots of love and encouragement. Mich has had a bit of a rough go lately too, she could use a lot of warm wishes. And let us not, of course, forget LuLu, Peri, Eloise, and Lissy - if you have a few spare moments to send good thoughts and sentiments their way, please do. I care very much for all of these beautiful women and want each of them to be healthy and peaceful, inside and out. And if I did not mention you here, please, please do not be hurt. I have many friends here and just felt the need to send a few special thoughts to the people who came to mind quickly. We are all fighting our own battles and all need support and encouragement. On that note, I also want to thank my newest readers - welcome!
So, hopefully this week will be better than last - I plan to get a lot of work done and run my little tush off (literally). I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend and enjoyed the 4th of July if you are in the USA. I, as a matter of fact, spent the afternoon in the heat and the sun and then took a nap that turned into me going to bed at 7:30pm, missing the fireworks and everything!
Lots of love, as always.
And for those of you who remember/are curious, no word on my dear friend Pauline.
Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
A new month, a clean slate?
Good morning everyone. For once I am actually feeling like it could be a good morning.
I just returned from the first training run of my three month marathon training program. Today, I just had to do four and a half miles with two, thirty second sprints after. I woke up early-ish (6:30) and was out the door in twenty minutes. The run felt pretty good, all around, except that it must have been seventy-five perfect humidity. I hope that the humidity lessens as the week goes on.
This weekend was... interesting... Friday afternoon I worked at the yarn store and received an email while I was there from the bride. The short story, since I would prefer not to publish her email here, is that she blames me for a bunch of things (the most troublesome being that I did not go to her bridal shower, and in fact she said that the girl who sabotaged me's father was in the hospital, deathly ill, and she came to the shower - which I think is warped, to say the least) and did not have a hint of apology. She said that she vomited when she read the email exchange between me and the other bridesmaids. Anyway, I am mailing my declined invitation today and this is the end of our friendship.
Then, Friday night, there was a HUGE storm, and 1,000,000 people in northern Virginia and Maryland were left without power, including myself. Saturday was a long, very hot day, as we waited for the power to come back. Luckily, our power was returned by Saturday night, though there is a lot of debris and people have much damage and still no power all around the area.
There is not much else going on in my life right now, just working a lot, trying to figure out when I am going to run, and knitting. Juan has been out of touch, working sixty-five hours a week and his phone is broken. Hopefully he can fix is soon and talk to me again. We've been emailing, but it makes me miss him a lot.
My weight is hovering around 135 right now. Not horrific, but I should have been 125 and continued downward so long ago. Maybe this training program will help me slim down. I think losing weight would be good for my joints, frankly.
I hope everyone had a good weekend. I know Lou Lou got the package I sent her, Dani is back to posting, and Isobel is cleansing like crazy!
I just returned from the first training run of my three month marathon training program. Today, I just had to do four and a half miles with two, thirty second sprints after. I woke up early-ish (6:30) and was out the door in twenty minutes. The run felt pretty good, all around, except that it must have been seventy-five perfect humidity. I hope that the humidity lessens as the week goes on.
This weekend was... interesting... Friday afternoon I worked at the yarn store and received an email while I was there from the bride. The short story, since I would prefer not to publish her email here, is that she blames me for a bunch of things (the most troublesome being that I did not go to her bridal shower, and in fact she said that the girl who sabotaged me's father was in the hospital, deathly ill, and she came to the shower - which I think is warped, to say the least) and did not have a hint of apology. She said that she vomited when she read the email exchange between me and the other bridesmaids. Anyway, I am mailing my declined invitation today and this is the end of our friendship.
Then, Friday night, there was a HUGE storm, and 1,000,000 people in northern Virginia and Maryland were left without power, including myself. Saturday was a long, very hot day, as we waited for the power to come back. Luckily, our power was returned by Saturday night, though there is a lot of debris and people have much damage and still no power all around the area.
There is not much else going on in my life right now, just working a lot, trying to figure out when I am going to run, and knitting. Juan has been out of touch, working sixty-five hours a week and his phone is broken. Hopefully he can fix is soon and talk to me again. We've been emailing, but it makes me miss him a lot.
My weight is hovering around 135 right now. Not horrific, but I should have been 125 and continued downward so long ago. Maybe this training program will help me slim down. I think losing weight would be good for my joints, frankly.
I hope everyone had a good weekend. I know Lou Lou got the package I sent her, Dani is back to posting, and Isobel is cleansing like crazy!
Finally, a decent explanation
Time for the full story...
So last Monday, it was clear that Juan was actually on a plane, and actually coming to see me. I was on-edge all day, but I went for a run in the morning, put on a pretty dress, babysat, drank lots of coffee, put in a few hours at the law firm, and headed to the airport to get him around six in the evening. When I was standing at the airport, I wavered between excitement, nervousness/nausea, and wanting to run away. Honestly, I must have been an awful shade of pale green when he finally laid eyes on me, because I honestly felt like I would pass out.
The rest of the week was surprisingly easy, fun, and peaceful. I had cooked all weekend in preparation, so we had tamales and other treats. I tried my best to stay under control, but I also try to act normal around Juan - this results in a 3-4 pound gain every time we have a visit.
We did a lot of sight seeing, walking, restaurant dining, wine drinking, and making love over the next four days. We celebrated his birthday with sushi. We had a dance party in my apartment.
I told him he needed to talk about his feelings. He said he came to see if things between us were truly different when we were in the same place, and confirmed that they definitely are. I suppose he needs to decide if he can work at this long-distance love for another 11 months until I graduate. I have already waited so long, that honestly, I am fine with waiting some more. It seems like he is leaning toward trying to put us back together. I know that being a couple is hard for him - he is fiercely independent, unlike me. But I also know that regardless of what he says, he can never truly let me go and I am quite certain he has not stopped loving me (though he is unaware of this fact) just as I have not stopped loving him.
Hopefully, we will just continue to repair and rebuild things and continue on. He is fully aware that I would never move to California without us being married, so he has to deal with some serious commitment issues. And its not like I do not have any improvements to make. I need to demand a bit less of the things that are not in his nature, and learn to just relax.
In other news, my weekend, after tearfully saying goodbye at the airport, was entirely too dramatic. I have not dealt with nonsense of this variety since I was probably 14.
Last summer, a friend of mine who I have known for a few years, asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this July. I excitedly accepted and have tried to fill my bridesmaid role to the best of my ability. As most of you know, 2012 has literally been the worst year of my life - Juan broke up with me, school and work combined were becoming a bit much, my school funding was completely messed up, and then my dearest friend went missing at the end of April (she has still not returned, please keep praying). As a result, I will fully admit that I have not been at my friend's side for all of the details of this wedding. I was home a few weeks before the shower in May, and organized a lovely group gift with my two best girlfriends from home (one of whom is the maid of honor). Pauline went missing, and I decided I honestly could not go to the shower. I was an emotional wreck and wanted to be prepared to leave the country on short notice. At this point, I was barely speaking to anyone, and I sent the bride a text message with my regrets (she full-well knew what was going on). Fast-forward a few days, and she called me to confront me about not telling her that I was not attending via telephone. She said she was very hurt and that everyone she mentioned it to agreed with her. As you can imagine, I thought she was totally out of line and completely un-empathetic to my life, but I apologized and swallowed my pride. I even sent her a note in the mail to smooth things over and everything seemed great.
A few weeks after that, I start hearing buzz about the bachelorette party. Originally, we had talked about a spa day at her hour, with plans to hire a masseuse and someone to do pedicures, as well as cook lovely food and provide plenty of bubbly - a nice, low-key affair. Well, one of the other four bridesmaids (a friend of the bride's from boarding school) suggested a weekend of wine tasting. Essentially, this bachelorette weekend has turned into an expensive, couples thing. She and her fiancé are attending, as are her parents, and in total, 15 people. While I would love to go, in all, between driving up to NJ, then to NY, two nights in a hotel, wine tastings, food all weekend, and missing work, I estimate the weekend would cost me near $500-$600. Clearly, for someone living on student loans, this is not possible. Weeks ago, the last time I was home, I let the bride know I would not be able to attend. She was disappointed, but said she understood.
About two weeks ago, I found out that the bride has mentioned to her boarding-school friend, who had told the maid of honor, that she was disappointed that she received no lingerie at her shower. My first thought was that this was kind of petty and ungrateful, considering she had a very fancy shower and I am quite certain she received all sorts of lovely gifts. Whatever, I thought, I'll try and organize something. Meanwhile, I purchased two nice bottles of Sofia Coppola sparkling wine to send up to the bachelorette weekend as a surprise, in an attempt to make up for my absence. Early the week before Juan arrived, I emailed the other bridesmaids saying that I had seen some really nice pieces on a website that I liked and there was a coupon available - would everyone like to pitch in so we could afford something quite nice? Here are the emails that ensued between me and the boarding school girl...
"I heard we were thinking about getting some lingerie for K as a gift for the bachelorette party. One of the blogs I read, has a coupon good through this weekend for Eberjey. Their lingerie is really beautiful in person and VERY soft (I've seen it at Anthro). I was thinking these might be good options, and with 20% and between the four of us, very reasonably priced:
So last Monday, it was clear that Juan was actually on a plane, and actually coming to see me. I was on-edge all day, but I went for a run in the morning, put on a pretty dress, babysat, drank lots of coffee, put in a few hours at the law firm, and headed to the airport to get him around six in the evening. When I was standing at the airport, I wavered between excitement, nervousness/nausea, and wanting to run away. Honestly, I must have been an awful shade of pale green when he finally laid eyes on me, because I honestly felt like I would pass out.
The rest of the week was surprisingly easy, fun, and peaceful. I had cooked all weekend in preparation, so we had tamales and other treats. I tried my best to stay under control, but I also try to act normal around Juan - this results in a 3-4 pound gain every time we have a visit.
We did a lot of sight seeing, walking, restaurant dining, wine drinking, and making love over the next four days. We celebrated his birthday with sushi. We had a dance party in my apartment.
I told him he needed to talk about his feelings. He said he came to see if things between us were truly different when we were in the same place, and confirmed that they definitely are. I suppose he needs to decide if he can work at this long-distance love for another 11 months until I graduate. I have already waited so long, that honestly, I am fine with waiting some more. It seems like he is leaning toward trying to put us back together. I know that being a couple is hard for him - he is fiercely independent, unlike me. But I also know that regardless of what he says, he can never truly let me go and I am quite certain he has not stopped loving me (though he is unaware of this fact) just as I have not stopped loving him.
Hopefully, we will just continue to repair and rebuild things and continue on. He is fully aware that I would never move to California without us being married, so he has to deal with some serious commitment issues. And its not like I do not have any improvements to make. I need to demand a bit less of the things that are not in his nature, and learn to just relax.
In other news, my weekend, after tearfully saying goodbye at the airport, was entirely too dramatic. I have not dealt with nonsense of this variety since I was probably 14.
Last summer, a friend of mine who I have known for a few years, asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this July. I excitedly accepted and have tried to fill my bridesmaid role to the best of my ability. As most of you know, 2012 has literally been the worst year of my life - Juan broke up with me, school and work combined were becoming a bit much, my school funding was completely messed up, and then my dearest friend went missing at the end of April (she has still not returned, please keep praying). As a result, I will fully admit that I have not been at my friend's side for all of the details of this wedding. I was home a few weeks before the shower in May, and organized a lovely group gift with my two best girlfriends from home (one of whom is the maid of honor). Pauline went missing, and I decided I honestly could not go to the shower. I was an emotional wreck and wanted to be prepared to leave the country on short notice. At this point, I was barely speaking to anyone, and I sent the bride a text message with my regrets (she full-well knew what was going on). Fast-forward a few days, and she called me to confront me about not telling her that I was not attending via telephone. She said she was very hurt and that everyone she mentioned it to agreed with her. As you can imagine, I thought she was totally out of line and completely un-empathetic to my life, but I apologized and swallowed my pride. I even sent her a note in the mail to smooth things over and everything seemed great.
A few weeks after that, I start hearing buzz about the bachelorette party. Originally, we had talked about a spa day at her hour, with plans to hire a masseuse and someone to do pedicures, as well as cook lovely food and provide plenty of bubbly - a nice, low-key affair. Well, one of the other four bridesmaids (a friend of the bride's from boarding school) suggested a weekend of wine tasting. Essentially, this bachelorette weekend has turned into an expensive, couples thing. She and her fiancé are attending, as are her parents, and in total, 15 people. While I would love to go, in all, between driving up to NJ, then to NY, two nights in a hotel, wine tastings, food all weekend, and missing work, I estimate the weekend would cost me near $500-$600. Clearly, for someone living on student loans, this is not possible. Weeks ago, the last time I was home, I let the bride know I would not be able to attend. She was disappointed, but said she understood.
About two weeks ago, I found out that the bride has mentioned to her boarding-school friend, who had told the maid of honor, that she was disappointed that she received no lingerie at her shower. My first thought was that this was kind of petty and ungrateful, considering she had a very fancy shower and I am quite certain she received all sorts of lovely gifts. Whatever, I thought, I'll try and organize something. Meanwhile, I purchased two nice bottles of Sofia Coppola sparkling wine to send up to the bachelorette weekend as a surprise, in an attempt to make up for my absence. Early the week before Juan arrived, I emailed the other bridesmaids saying that I had seen some really nice pieces on a website that I liked and there was a coupon available - would everyone like to pitch in so we could afford something quite nice? Here are the emails that ensued between me and the boarding school girl...
"I heard we were thinking about getting some lingerie for K as a gift for the bachelorette party. One of the blogs I read, has a coupon good through this weekend for Eberjey. Their lingerie is really beautiful in person and VERY soft (I've seen it at Anthro). I was thinking these might be good options, and with 20% and between the four of us, very reasonably priced:
http://www.eberjey.com/intimate/chemises/gisele-chemise.html
Any thoughts?
Oh, and since I am unfortunately unable to come to the bachelorette weekend, I got a little something to send along - two bottles of the Sofia Coppola sparkling wine for you all to share with Miss K while you're away! It's the least I could do, and I'll give them to Danielle this weekend.
-Sarah"
"Sounds good, but in the past, girls tend to each bring their own piece for the bride instead of just one. That way she has a good variety for the honeymoon."
"Maybe I'm mis-informed, but from the bachelorette parities I've been to, no serious gifts were ever given. From what I've read and attended, gifts at bachelorette parities are typically of the "gag" variety and are more for novelty and giggles than serious, luxurious gifts. Does anyone know if this is typically not the case? Maybe I just don't know.
I obviously want this to be a special time for K, but it seems like we are giving a lot of gifts (engagement, shower, bachelorette party, wedding). Which, when added to the expenses of actually being in the wedding (which as a bridesmaid, I was fully prepared for, and understand completely) it seems to be a lot. If everyone doesn't want to get something as a group, then I guess we should leave it up to individuals to decide whether or not they want to purchase a piece of lingerie and not make this feel obligatory.
I feel curmudgeonly bringing this up, but I think this concern needs to be voiced."
"Everything is personal preference. For me, K is an amazing friend who goes above and beyond to make every one of my wedding events special. She has mentioned to me more than once that she hasn't gotten any lingerie pieces, so I personally am going to make sure she gets more than one piece.
I personally don't see it as a hardship to do something for K that I know she'd do for me. Is it expensive? Sure. Does it make spending tight? Of course it does. But is seeing the joy on her face worth it? 100%. If you can't do it, then don't, but frankly you haven't been around much to hear what she's been looking for and would appreciate. So yeah, you're bringing up a point but missing the idea that it doesn't have to cost a million. Walmart, Target, Macys, etc... all have very affordable and beautiful items for lingerie. Doesn't have to be La Perla to be wonderful."
"Of course I want to do special things for K, she is a great friend to me and I want her to be very happy. Yes, I am not home much, I am in school and working full time, as well as having some serious personal issues in my life that haven't allowed me to travel. Beyond that I am living on student loans, which makes spending more than "tight" and I have a hard time gauging what exactly K is expecting from us, because she doesn't usually come off as a Target kind of girl. Not that that is a bad thing, I just know that she likes nice things and I don't want her to be disappointed with something she thinks isn't nice or that we didn't try hard enough (that's not very articulate, but I hope you get the point). So for me, sharing the cost of something is the most doable way to do it. In understand if other people don't want to do that.
Maybe I just find all of the ins-and-outs of weddings/etiquette/traditions very confusing and complicated?
So to wrap this up, I guess, its up to everyone to decide what they'd like to do, we don't have to go in on a group gift."
"I'm pretty sure at the bridal shower you were the one to tell me a group gift was not necessary. So I'm sorry for my confusion and lack of understanding now. There are plenty of cost effective places to buy lingerie and I'm sure K wouldn't be disappointed with anything that came with effort and heart.
Just an FYI, Macy's has some beautiful things that are in the $30-50 range. Not expensive at all but beautiful and they have weekly promotions for 20% off in addition to the sale. "
Ok, so that seems relatively tame, no? I was frank, but not rude, and I don't think I said anything bad about the bride, who is my friend.
On Friday night, I was supposed to get together with the bride, and two best girlfriends (one of whom is the maid of honor). The bride canceled out plans, so the rest of us planned to get together on Saturday morning instead. I meet my friends at the coffee shop, and give the maid of honor the sparkling wine and ask her if she has my dress. She proceeds to tell me (very gently, seeing as she is one of the kindest people in the world) that I have been booted from the wedding party. Initially, it is because K needs a bridesmaid who is more "present" (whatever that means). I am obviously very hurt, especially that a. the bride did not bother to deliver this news herself, and b. she did not even try to discuss it with me, or frame it in a kind way.
Needless to say, I come to find out through the maid of honor (God bless her wonderful heart), that K initially wanted her mother (a scary lady!) to deliver the news AND the real reason is because the boarding school friend showed her some kind of edited version of those emails! I gather she wanted to keep the present a surprise, so she must have showed all of the worse parts out of context and completely sabotaged me. I did not think that people in their mid-twenties had the capacity to act like this! I do not even know this girl, and while I have not been the most serving bridesmaid, why would she want to do such a thing? Furthermore, I STILL have not heard a thing from the bride, now five days later.
I am giving her until the RSVP date to try and contact me. Otherwise, I will decline the invitation, write a letter to explain myself and defend my character, and end our friendship. I know all of this terrible chatter about how awful I am is going on behind my back, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I just have to wait until she decides to talk to me. And, I can just imagine that she is expecting me to grovel to her and apologize and beg to be in the wedding. The whole thing just makes me crazy! I was trying to organize a beautiful gift for her, how is that interpreted as being a bad person???
Anyway, bravo if you bothered to read all of that dramatic nonsense. I hope some resolution develops soon, because I hate being stressed over this.
As for my weight, I was just under 137 this morning - horrific. I am not more determined than ever, to get back down under 130, because if I end up attending this wedding, I need to be in top form. Under 125 would be preferable, but it is only four weeks away. I am going to begin my marathon training the first of July, however, and the heat makes my appetite disappear. Plus, my mother has been harping about how she thinks I spend too much money on food (in my defense, I bought a ton of groceries for Juan, and food here is just more expensive than back home). In all, I have a bunch of reasons not to eat.
I hope everyone else is having a much easier time, though I know the troubles in my life are pretty frivolous.
Hello 2012
Sorry for the dramatic tone for my last posts. The last days of 2011 we a complete disaster, to put it simply.
As I mentioned in my last post, I had been counting down the days since September to when I would see Juan again. I wanted to visit him at Thanksgiving, but he thought it was not a good idea because he had to work and I would have to spend so much money on a plane ticket. During the Black Friday sales, we found super-cheap tickets from Washington DC to Los Angeles and we both made our purchases. He was set to arrive on the 30th and leave January 8th. My ticket is for the weekend just before Valentine's Day.
On Wednesday, Juan explained that he had a meeting with his boss and human resources and was unsure of why they needed to meet with him. I assumed he just needed to fill out some paperwork, but late at night I received a cryptic text that said something like "I have great news but I don't know what to do :-/" As you can imagine, I was on edge all the next morning. Finally, I heard from him around two in the afternoon, and he explained that his boss offered him a huge promotion, but in order to take it, he would have to be in Chicago today. We discussed it, and obviously the promotion was the right choice, but that does not mean I was not devastated. Our relationship has been under so much stress lately because of the distance and not seeing each other for so many months. Even now, we still do not have a plan for seeing each other. I am hoping that he calls me tonight and we arrange for me to go out there this weekend and stay for most of the week, even if he has to work. I just miss him so much.
I am terribly afraid that this job is going to make him so busy - he is already consumed with it and barely has time for me - that he won't have time for our relationship at all. And, he was planning to move here this summer, which obviously will not happen, thus not only delaying us being in the same place, but undeniably delaying our engagement. I have this horrible feeling the whole thing will snowball, but I am trying to keep my head above water.
Needless to say, my New Year's Eve (my absolute favorite holiday) was terribly depressing. I cried and watched movies with my cat. I barely moved from the bed to my couch and back again.
Today, I am feeling much better - I went to my first of twenty Bikram yoga sessions with the Groupon Juan bought me for a studio just a few miles from my house. It was insanely intense, hot, and sweaty. Yoga for 90 minutes in a 105 degree room... phew! I have done that kind of yoga, and some others, but never anything this difficult. Even when its over (there is no way I can afford to keep going, as their drop in classes are $18 and the unlimited monthly passes are $125/mo - my 20-class pass was only $40) I hope to keep practicing yoga with youtube videos and such. Tomorrow, I am going to go for my first run in two weeks. Hopefully, it will not be too cold - if so, I need to just suck it up and get my ass in gear. Taking a break was good for me, my leg finally feels normal.
And in relatively good news, I was 130.4 this morning (129.4 after breakfast/hydrating/sweaty yoga!) - my dreaded holiday weight gain already gone. I'm hoping that after that class and eating super clean today (a persimmon and green tea for breakfast, homemade hummus with "low-guilt" tortilla chips for a snack, lunch of a huge salad of romaine, broccoli slaw, roasted peppers, jicama, cucumber, avocado, and snap pea crisps with homemade lemon-tahini dressing, a square of 85% dark chocolate, my new gingerbread coffee, and lots of water) I will be under 130 tomorrow. I need to get into the 120s and stay there once and for all. I feel like my goal is attainable this year - 118. I think I can do it.
How was everyone's holiday? I am so behind on reading and commenting. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave me sweet messages of support and love when I was feeling so devastated. You are all so kind and beautiful. Thank you for understanding.
I think I am going to make my list of resolutions tonight and post about that tomorrow. Anyone else?
As I mentioned in my last post, I had been counting down the days since September to when I would see Juan again. I wanted to visit him at Thanksgiving, but he thought it was not a good idea because he had to work and I would have to spend so much money on a plane ticket. During the Black Friday sales, we found super-cheap tickets from Washington DC to Los Angeles and we both made our purchases. He was set to arrive on the 30th and leave January 8th. My ticket is for the weekend just before Valentine's Day.
On Wednesday, Juan explained that he had a meeting with his boss and human resources and was unsure of why they needed to meet with him. I assumed he just needed to fill out some paperwork, but late at night I received a cryptic text that said something like "I have great news but I don't know what to do :-/" As you can imagine, I was on edge all the next morning. Finally, I heard from him around two in the afternoon, and he explained that his boss offered him a huge promotion, but in order to take it, he would have to be in Chicago today. We discussed it, and obviously the promotion was the right choice, but that does not mean I was not devastated. Our relationship has been under so much stress lately because of the distance and not seeing each other for so many months. Even now, we still do not have a plan for seeing each other. I am hoping that he calls me tonight and we arrange for me to go out there this weekend and stay for most of the week, even if he has to work. I just miss him so much.
I am terribly afraid that this job is going to make him so busy - he is already consumed with it and barely has time for me - that he won't have time for our relationship at all. And, he was planning to move here this summer, which obviously will not happen, thus not only delaying us being in the same place, but undeniably delaying our engagement. I have this horrible feeling the whole thing will snowball, but I am trying to keep my head above water.
Needless to say, my New Year's Eve (my absolute favorite holiday) was terribly depressing. I cried and watched movies with my cat. I barely moved from the bed to my couch and back again.
Today, I am feeling much better - I went to my first of twenty Bikram yoga sessions with the Groupon Juan bought me for a studio just a few miles from my house. It was insanely intense, hot, and sweaty. Yoga for 90 minutes in a 105 degree room... phew! I have done that kind of yoga, and some others, but never anything this difficult. Even when its over (there is no way I can afford to keep going, as their drop in classes are $18 and the unlimited monthly passes are $125/mo - my 20-class pass was only $40) I hope to keep practicing yoga with youtube videos and such. Tomorrow, I am going to go for my first run in two weeks. Hopefully, it will not be too cold - if so, I need to just suck it up and get my ass in gear. Taking a break was good for me, my leg finally feels normal.
And in relatively good news, I was 130.4 this morning (129.4 after breakfast/hydrating/sweaty yoga!) - my dreaded holiday weight gain already gone. I'm hoping that after that class and eating super clean today (a persimmon and green tea for breakfast, homemade hummus with "low-guilt" tortilla chips for a snack, lunch of a huge salad of romaine, broccoli slaw, roasted peppers, jicama, cucumber, avocado, and snap pea crisps with homemade lemon-tahini dressing, a square of 85% dark chocolate, my new gingerbread coffee, and lots of water) I will be under 130 tomorrow. I need to get into the 120s and stay there once and for all. I feel like my goal is attainable this year - 118. I think I can do it.
How was everyone's holiday? I am so behind on reading and commenting. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave me sweet messages of support and love when I was feeling so devastated. You are all so kind and beautiful. Thank you for understanding.
I think I am going to make my list of resolutions tonight and post about that tomorrow. Anyone else?
Finals are over, time for the last weight loss push of the year
So, as I am sure you gathered from my title, I am finished with finals. I am currently sitting in "my" room at my parents' house with my kitty and my knitting.
My leg still is not 100% better, but I went for an hour-long walk yesterday and a 3 mile run today. I partied on Friday night like none other, so I need to be extra disciplined this week.
Friday was an absolute blast. I went to the faculty Christmas party at the school where I coached this past spring. It was so much fun to see my friends, get quite drunk (which I rarely rarely do) and dance my little tushie off. I was something like 129.8 the morning of the party and then obviously ate and imbibed that evening. This morning I was 131.6. I have eaten some toast, hummus, and coffee today - so with more coffee and some water, I should be able to get under 131 by tomorrow. Then, I am going to try my absolute hardest to drink water, eat veggies, and stay away from chocolate so I can be somewhere closer to 125 by Christmas. I will be please as long as I can be 125 by the 30th, when Juan arrives. Since I am going home on the 28th, I know I will barely eat that day and likely the 29th out of nerves, which should help. I will be really sad if I cannot make that goal.
2012 is finally going to be the year where I will be thin. I will get to 118 this year. I will be so busy/stressed this spring and trying to save money, thus I will get rid of extra stress with long runs and reduce my grocery bill by eating less. I am finally going to do it, and maintain it. I really do not want to have to diet for my wedding someday, and that means finally being thin and staying that way. 118 is my magic number. I will do it.
How is everyone? I am sort of enjoying home so far - things are relatively low-key at home and I simply have knitting, wrapping, and catching up with friends and family on my "to-do list."
I really hope I can do this girls. 125 by the 30th. I have 11 days. That does not seem like enough time, but I have to try.
One last thing, Juan helped me choose my outfit for the party via Skype, and when I was modeling, he asked me, "Have you lost weight?" Oh, those four beautiful, inquisitive words...
My leg still is not 100% better, but I went for an hour-long walk yesterday and a 3 mile run today. I partied on Friday night like none other, so I need to be extra disciplined this week.
Friday was an absolute blast. I went to the faculty Christmas party at the school where I coached this past spring. It was so much fun to see my friends, get quite drunk (which I rarely rarely do) and dance my little tushie off. I was something like 129.8 the morning of the party and then obviously ate and imbibed that evening. This morning I was 131.6. I have eaten some toast, hummus, and coffee today - so with more coffee and some water, I should be able to get under 131 by tomorrow. Then, I am going to try my absolute hardest to drink water, eat veggies, and stay away from chocolate so I can be somewhere closer to 125 by Christmas. I will be please as long as I can be 125 by the 30th, when Juan arrives. Since I am going home on the 28th, I know I will barely eat that day and likely the 29th out of nerves, which should help. I will be really sad if I cannot make that goal.
2012 is finally going to be the year where I will be thin. I will get to 118 this year. I will be so busy/stressed this spring and trying to save money, thus I will get rid of extra stress with long runs and reduce my grocery bill by eating less. I am finally going to do it, and maintain it. I really do not want to have to diet for my wedding someday, and that means finally being thin and staying that way. 118 is my magic number. I will do it.
How is everyone? I am sort of enjoying home so far - things are relatively low-key at home and I simply have knitting, wrapping, and catching up with friends and family on my "to-do list."
I really hope I can do this girls. 125 by the 30th. I have 11 days. That does not seem like enough time, but I have to try.
One last thing, Juan helped me choose my outfit for the party via Skype, and when I was modeling, he asked me, "Have you lost weight?" Oh, those four beautiful, inquisitive words...
A little food philosophy
I had a weird day yesterday. Woke up with a headache and just felt yucky, so I decided to take a rest day and bake instead. Even though I had class in the afternoon, I was practically a zombie all day and just could not get in the groove to do any schoolwork.
I was something like 134.2 when I woke up. This morning, I was a bit heavier, since I had wheat yesterday (bad decision, of course). I was 134.6 after my run, meaning probably 135.6. I obviously do not want to gain, but I'm happy to not be above 136. I am shooting for 129 by Thanksgiving. Not only have I kept up with my running regimen (8 miles Saturday, 4.5 Sunday, 6.5 today) but I am basically broke (oh the life of a graduate student!) and I just cannot afford to go to the grocery store until pay day. Luckily, Trader Joe's has relatively cheap produce - as does the Asian market near my house. I have to restock my fridge with produce and that is really about it. Practically all I eat is fresh or frozen vegetables and fruit. I have been working very hard on limiting how often I have nuts, they are just simply too high in calories.
For example, last night, I had chickpeas with tomato sauce over spinach and kale. I also had a piece of the brownies I made yesterday morning, which is not worth it. I used to tell the kids that I coached that think of food as fuel, and as your body as a Porsche. "Premium fuel in the tank" was my tagline. Basically, while I know I have to eat at least something to sustain my athletic activity (which I love - and I will not give up running for anything) and basic brain function, even while trying to lose every last bit of fat on my body, when I eat, it should only be food that serves a nourishing purpose. Chocolate, beer, sweets, bread, etc. is not nourishing me. Vegetables, legumes, fruit, nuts, tofu, rice, quinoa, seaweed, etc. are nourishing, low calories, highly nutrient-dense foods. The worst thing I put in my body on a regular basis is coffee - which I have about every other day, with soy milk. Otherwise, I drink water, tea, and the occasional coconut water or juice. I do enjoy having these foods, even sometimes having large quantities, because I know my body is using every last bit in a good way. My greatest, yet rare, indulgence is a glass of wine or a cocktail. I think the last time I even had a glass was when Juan visited, in September.
I am really starting to ramble on now. Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that my struggles with food/exercise/my body are different from those of an anorexic or bulimic, though I admit thinking about what goes into my body and my physical activity takes up a good 50-60% of my thoughts. I try to limit my intake in terms of calories and to only the healthiest foods so I do not have to feel guilty and make up for it with extra exercise. I would rather just run several miles every morning to get fresh air and the rush of endorphins. Yet, I look in the mirror every day and cannot believe how I look bigger every day, never smaller. I must hover somewhere between BDD/Orthorexia/EDNOS. Who knows. I am certainly not too thin (135 pounds at 5'7.5" is no where near too thin. I want to be 120, the lowest healthy BMI for my height), though I would love to be just on the edge and have people telling me that I am. I want to be lean so that I can run faster - so even if I am small, I have to retain my muscles. You can be delicate looking and strong.
Again, enough with my rambling.
Have a lovely day everyone and welcome to my newest subscribers!
I was something like 134.2 when I woke up. This morning, I was a bit heavier, since I had wheat yesterday (bad decision, of course). I was 134.6 after my run, meaning probably 135.6. I obviously do not want to gain, but I'm happy to not be above 136. I am shooting for 129 by Thanksgiving. Not only have I kept up with my running regimen (8 miles Saturday, 4.5 Sunday, 6.5 today) but I am basically broke (oh the life of a graduate student!) and I just cannot afford to go to the grocery store until pay day. Luckily, Trader Joe's has relatively cheap produce - as does the Asian market near my house. I have to restock my fridge with produce and that is really about it. Practically all I eat is fresh or frozen vegetables and fruit. I have been working very hard on limiting how often I have nuts, they are just simply too high in calories.
For example, last night, I had chickpeas with tomato sauce over spinach and kale. I also had a piece of the brownies I made yesterday morning, which is not worth it. I used to tell the kids that I coached that think of food as fuel, and as your body as a Porsche. "Premium fuel in the tank" was my tagline. Basically, while I know I have to eat at least something to sustain my athletic activity (which I love - and I will not give up running for anything) and basic brain function, even while trying to lose every last bit of fat on my body, when I eat, it should only be food that serves a nourishing purpose. Chocolate, beer, sweets, bread, etc. is not nourishing me. Vegetables, legumes, fruit, nuts, tofu, rice, quinoa, seaweed, etc. are nourishing, low calories, highly nutrient-dense foods. The worst thing I put in my body on a regular basis is coffee - which I have about every other day, with soy milk. Otherwise, I drink water, tea, and the occasional coconut water or juice. I do enjoy having these foods, even sometimes having large quantities, because I know my body is using every last bit in a good way. My greatest, yet rare, indulgence is a glass of wine or a cocktail. I think the last time I even had a glass was when Juan visited, in September.
I am really starting to ramble on now. Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that my struggles with food/exercise/my body are different from those of an anorexic or bulimic, though I admit thinking about what goes into my body and my physical activity takes up a good 50-60% of my thoughts. I try to limit my intake in terms of calories and to only the healthiest foods so I do not have to feel guilty and make up for it with extra exercise. I would rather just run several miles every morning to get fresh air and the rush of endorphins. Yet, I look in the mirror every day and cannot believe how I look bigger every day, never smaller. I must hover somewhere between BDD/Orthorexia/EDNOS. Who knows. I am certainly not too thin (135 pounds at 5'7.5" is no where near too thin. I want to be 120, the lowest healthy BMI for my height), though I would love to be just on the edge and have people telling me that I am. I want to be lean so that I can run faster - so even if I am small, I have to retain my muscles. You can be delicate looking and strong.
Again, enough with my rambling.
Have a lovely day everyone and welcome to my newest subscribers!
Another good morning
Woke up this morning around 7:30, took an online quiz for my epidemiology course, put on my new Lululemon shorts (via ebay at a decent discount) and hit the pavement for a nice six miles. The wind was really strong but the sun was shining, the sky blue, and the temperature perfect. I hopped on the scale after my run to see 133.6. Granted, that's my dehydrated weight, so I probably am really sitting at about 134.6-8. Regardless, I am thrilled. Even though it's still too high, I'm ready to see that number keep falling.
For breakfast, 3T steel cut oats, 1T cranberries, 2T hazelnuts, and a splash of soy creamer. Not sure of the calories, but I know I burned about 650-700 on my run this morning according to my heart monitor, and I know my breakfast was not even close to that much. Afterward I rehydrated with 1/2 glass of coconut water ~45 calories and water. I'm feeling good about today. Maybe the weather change is making me want to just drinking more tea and coffee and just not eat so much? I always have trouble losing weight in the summer, but find myself more focused in the fall/winter/spring. I have no idea why that makes any sense.
Thank you so much for all of the compliments on my hair! It is just a fun change. I will rock it for a bit and then I will be happy to be back to my sunny blonde locks.
I made Juan some "mounds" bars last night. I had one - they are delicious... a mixture of coconut, brown rice syrup, powdered sugar, vanilla, organic coconut-oil-based shortening all coated in chocolate. I got the recipe from Babycakes Covers the Classics. I checked out a bunch of gluten-free, vegan cookbooks from the county library a while back because I am trying very hard to avoid wheat, since it makes me feel really sluggish and gives me a tummy ache. I have been doing very well lately - no wheat, dairy, eggs, meat, and generally animal derivatives, like gelatin - with the exception of honey - in my diet makes me feel so much better, is better for the environment, and prevents me from loading up on bad-for-you foods. While it may not be easy at first and my not work for everyone, it works wonderfully for me.
I hope everyone is having a good week. Today is a low-key day for me... no class until 4:30, then Grey's Anatomy (yes I still watch it! It is the only show I watch) is on tonight. Tomorrow, I am meeting my friend in the city and we will run an easy four or five miles around the national mall (for those of you know know nothing about Washington, DC, the national mall is basically this biiiiiig lawn that stretches from the Capitol building - where the congress meets - to the Lincoln memorial). Then, I have a biostatistics test tomorrow night at 7pm. I really think it will not be too hard. I had a study group yesterday and I seem to understand the material. I just hope my teacher based the test mostly off of the lecture and homework material and not the other parts of the chapters that we did not discuss in class.
Oh, I am fairly certain my brother is shipping off tonight. He is in the Navy and will be on a submarine. He cannot say exactly when he is leaving and I have no idea where he will go, but I will not hear from him until January. Say a little prayer for him, if you believe in it.
Alright, I am rambling. I think I need to make some goals for the rest of the year. I need to start thinking about Christmas presents too. Running, studying, and knitting need to be my top three priorities.
Have a lovely day. Thanks for reading my crazy rambles!
For breakfast, 3T steel cut oats, 1T cranberries, 2T hazelnuts, and a splash of soy creamer. Not sure of the calories, but I know I burned about 650-700 on my run this morning according to my heart monitor, and I know my breakfast was not even close to that much. Afterward I rehydrated with 1/2 glass of coconut water ~45 calories and water. I'm feeling good about today. Maybe the weather change is making me want to just drinking more tea and coffee and just not eat so much? I always have trouble losing weight in the summer, but find myself more focused in the fall/winter/spring. I have no idea why that makes any sense.
Thank you so much for all of the compliments on my hair! It is just a fun change. I will rock it for a bit and then I will be happy to be back to my sunny blonde locks.
I made Juan some "mounds" bars last night. I had one - they are delicious... a mixture of coconut, brown rice syrup, powdered sugar, vanilla, organic coconut-oil-based shortening all coated in chocolate. I got the recipe from Babycakes Covers the Classics. I checked out a bunch of gluten-free, vegan cookbooks from the county library a while back because I am trying very hard to avoid wheat, since it makes me feel really sluggish and gives me a tummy ache. I have been doing very well lately - no wheat, dairy, eggs, meat, and generally animal derivatives, like gelatin - with the exception of honey - in my diet makes me feel so much better, is better for the environment, and prevents me from loading up on bad-for-you foods. While it may not be easy at first and my not work for everyone, it works wonderfully for me.
I hope everyone is having a good week. Today is a low-key day for me... no class until 4:30, then Grey's Anatomy (yes I still watch it! It is the only show I watch) is on tonight. Tomorrow, I am meeting my friend in the city and we will run an easy four or five miles around the national mall (for those of you know know nothing about Washington, DC, the national mall is basically this biiiiiig lawn that stretches from the Capitol building - where the congress meets - to the Lincoln memorial). Then, I have a biostatistics test tomorrow night at 7pm. I really think it will not be too hard. I had a study group yesterday and I seem to understand the material. I just hope my teacher based the test mostly off of the lecture and homework material and not the other parts of the chapters that we did not discuss in class.
Oh, I am fairly certain my brother is shipping off tonight. He is in the Navy and will be on a submarine. He cannot say exactly when he is leaving and I have no idea where he will go, but I will not hear from him until January. Say a little prayer for him, if you believe in it.
Alright, I am rambling. I think I need to make some goals for the rest of the year. I need to start thinking about Christmas presents too. Running, studying, and knitting need to be my top three priorities.
Have a lovely day. Thanks for reading my crazy rambles!
I can hardly believe it is October already
As is customary after a bit of an absence, I offer my apologies for not writing when I should be. I am finally feeling settled in school and in my new neighborhood, so I think I will have more time for writing in the next few months before the semester ends.
I think I left off just a day after the half-marathon with a brief posting of my time. Well, the race went wonderfully. Apparently, people clocked the distance on their Garmins as being about a quarter-mile longer than 13.1 - in that case, I may have actually finished in just under two hours, which was my goal. In the days since, I have been running, but not training (meaning, I need to sign up for another race so I don't get lazy), burying myself in schoolwork, the fourth season of Mad Men, and too much eating.
Unsurprisingly, my weight is still hovering between 136-137. Too. Damn. Much. I think my newest plan - besides shunning carbs as a food-group - will be to skip one meal per day. I normally do not advocate such a thing, unless one is fasting, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I am also going to try and have a cup of tea before my two meals of the day in order to try and truly assess my appetite and hopefully fill me up beforehand.
Today I have already consumed far more than necessary - a smoothie with half a banana, mango chunks, and equal splashes (1/4 cup each) of vegetable/fruit juice, almond milk, and unsweetened soy yogurt, a slice of homemade vegan, gluten-free pumpkin ginger bread, six almonds, and with my mid-morning tea, a four tea-biscuits (130 calories for the four).
I know that we are often always setting and not reaching goals in this community, but I am feeling particularly determined right now, and with the beginning of a new season, I think I can truly do this. The pressure of school is going to make me stressed (in a good, appetite-suppressing way) and the weather will be absolutely perfect for logging many miles through the falling leaves. I will eat more elegantly and sparingly - enough to let my body rid itself of all of the excess fat while still having the energy to run and write papers. I am going to be faster, leaner, and more beautiful. I want my arms, back, abs, and legs to be nothing but lean muscle, I've had enough cushion.
How are you ladies feeling about fall? I think the cold weather we are experiencing right now will pass by the end of the week, but I love being able to hide in sweaters and tights and boots. Being bundled means people can imagine you thinner underneath - or at least that's what I hope.
I have been reading all of my subscriptions this week, but I am terribly behind on commenting. Thank you so much for the positive responses regarding my race. I hope at least one person is motivated to run. It is cheap, you can do it anywhere, it fills you with endorphins, allows you to escape, and there really is no wrong way. You might be fast, you might be slow, but if you run - you're a runner.
I found these lovely photos on The Sartorialist this week - totally in love...
10.2 miles before 10am
134.6 after my run this morning. Mind you, my run was 10.2ish miles so I sweat a lot. I wore my new compression sleeves.
I definitely noticed that my legs felt less fatigued, but my ankles were still really painful by the end from pounding on the sidewalk. According to my heart monitor, I burned around 1300 calories, which is awesome. Due to my detox, I will certainly have a calorie deficit today. During my run, I had coconut water (100cal), then had soy yogurt, six almonds, and a drizzle of honey for breakfast. It is lunchtime now, and I had some snap peas and veggie/fruit juice, but I am not very hungry.
For the rest of the day, I need to drink a lot of water and rest - which is fine, since I do not have class and only have a meeting with the professor for whom i am doing my research assistantship. I will walk to campus, but that should help with active recovery.
If I do really well today, I know I'll be about 135-136 tomorrow. I want that so badly. On my way home, I will stop at the grocery store for some lettuce and lemons so I can make another awesome salad like the past two nights. Lemon juice is such good salad dressing, honestly. It is so flavorful that I really do not miss the oil. And, I find that if I stack my calories in the beginning of the day - small but nutritious breakfast, something hot and filling for lunch (like vegetable soup, or something with a whole grain - though not now, since I am trying to eat extra low calories), and a salad - even if it is quite large - for dinner makes me feel great, and most importantly, not guilty!
Anyway, the next few days I have to do a ton of schoolwork and research and clean my apartment (including laundry), and the first floor of our house from top-to-bottom. I'm going to leave some comments now and I hope you all have a great Wednesday!
I definitely noticed that my legs felt less fatigued, but my ankles were still really painful by the end from pounding on the sidewalk. According to my heart monitor, I burned around 1300 calories, which is awesome. Due to my detox, I will certainly have a calorie deficit today. During my run, I had coconut water (100cal), then had soy yogurt, six almonds, and a drizzle of honey for breakfast. It is lunchtime now, and I had some snap peas and veggie/fruit juice, but I am not very hungry.
For the rest of the day, I need to drink a lot of water and rest - which is fine, since I do not have class and only have a meeting with the professor for whom i am doing my research assistantship. I will walk to campus, but that should help with active recovery.
If I do really well today, I know I'll be about 135-136 tomorrow. I want that so badly. On my way home, I will stop at the grocery store for some lettuce and lemons so I can make another awesome salad like the past two nights. Lemon juice is such good salad dressing, honestly. It is so flavorful that I really do not miss the oil. And, I find that if I stack my calories in the beginning of the day - small but nutritious breakfast, something hot and filling for lunch (like vegetable soup, or something with a whole grain - though not now, since I am trying to eat extra low calories), and a salad - even if it is quite large - for dinner makes me feel great, and most importantly, not guilty!
Anyway, the next few days I have to do a ton of schoolwork and research and clean my apartment (including laundry), and the first floor of our house from top-to-bottom. I'm going to leave some comments now and I hope you all have a great Wednesday!
Don't forget to drink green tea and eat your veggies
Blue
I had a rough day yesterday.
Friday was fine - basically uneventful, it rained in the morning, the sun finally came out, my roommate and I went to Trader Joe's and bonded a bit, she bought me a balloon, I decided to treat myself to veggie sushi for lunch, I baked cupcakes to take to my class and share with my roommates (only one for each roommate and me, and then I left the rest with me class - no leftovers to tempt me), I came home and my roommates surprised me with a bottle of chardonnay and crème de cassis for making kir, we had a few drinks and went out to a bar, I talked with a bunch of my roommate's friends (strangers) and then we came home.
Yesterday morning, I woke around 9:30 and went for a six-mile run. Then, the loneliness just hit me. Juan and I Skyped for a while and I tried to do homework in the sunshine that afternoon. I ate the most random things, feeling disgusting and fat with each bite. I watched some episodes of Mad Men and debated meeting up with my friends in DC. I decided I just did not feel well enough for that. Around 7, I ventured out to browse some shops, just so I was not spending my entire day in silence in my apartment. I didn't buy anything, came home, and cried a bit more. I love having the radio on in my apartment, but this week, all I keep hearing about is rain, flooding, earthquakes, power outages, fires, and of course the anniversary of 9.11.01. Juan texted me to tell me he is excited to see me and kiss me - I respond that I feel fat and ugly and I can't have kisses. Just not a good day.
I slept in again until 9:30. I really do not feel like running, so, I will walk a bit today and run tomorrow when I get home from the Paul Farmer talk in DC (Has anyone ever read Mountains Beyond Mountains? It is my favorite book, and the doctor in it is who I am going to hear speak tomorrow). I am also going to begin a mini-detox à la Adeline. I plan to have herbal tea and a small glass of juice for breakfast, green tea for lunch, and fruit and a salad with lemon juice for dinner. That is the plan for this week (six-and-a-half days). Juan is coming on Saturday and I made him promise last time that we would eat healthily the next time he visits. Every time we get together we are eating out so much that I gain weight.
Thank you everyone for the lovely birthday wishes. I wish I could have celebrated with you in person - I always end up celebrating with strangers, in accordance with out school calendar. Every year in elementary school you have a new "homeroom," then middle school is a new batch, high school changes, you move to college, then abroad, then graduate school #1, and now #2. Last year was the first in forever that I was able to celebrate my birthday with my truly good friends. On Wednesday I am going to do a bit of birthday shopping, and I may try and find a pair of shoes today. I have coupons for Anthropologie, Sur La Table, and DSW. Obviously, on my graduate student budget, I have to be frugal, but at Anthro I want this lovely candle so much. I was given a candle like this last August, it took me a year to burn it, and last September I bought a replacement with my discount. I just started burning that one, but I want this bigger version in the pretty jar.
Sur La Table has wonderful kitchen things, so I may buy a new dish towel. At DSW I will only buy something deeply discounted if I love it. I was there last night, but I forgot my coupon.
Anyway, I am rambling. My weight was up to 138 this morning, the highest I have recorded on this blog. Last year, this time, I was 130-132. I know I gained the weight by eating like a pig, but it still shocks me and makes me feel so unworthy of anything. I am going to try and just get dressed and get my day started, take a walk, have some tea, and feel better. We'll see how that goes.
Hopefully I can lose two or three pounds detoxing this week. I would feel much better that way. When Juan arrives, I need to stick to the plan I outlined in my last post and then I might finally be able to get under 130.
I'll get around to some commenting today. I have been a bit better about it, but I still need to reply to a bunch of your lovely posts.
Please think about where you were ten years ago, today. I do not personally know anyone who died as a result of the attacks, but I do know someone who escaped the towers and my father's crew went to man a firehouse in Manhattan. Just the thought of it gives me chills, and I sincerely hope that these innocent and brave people did not die in vain. While I believe in justice, I also believe in love. More love and less hate is what this world truly needs.
Friday was fine - basically uneventful, it rained in the morning, the sun finally came out, my roommate and I went to Trader Joe's and bonded a bit, she bought me a balloon, I decided to treat myself to veggie sushi for lunch, I baked cupcakes to take to my class and share with my roommates (only one for each roommate and me, and then I left the rest with me class - no leftovers to tempt me), I came home and my roommates surprised me with a bottle of chardonnay and crème de cassis for making kir, we had a few drinks and went out to a bar, I talked with a bunch of my roommate's friends (strangers) and then we came home.
Yesterday morning, I woke around 9:30 and went for a six-mile run. Then, the loneliness just hit me. Juan and I Skyped for a while and I tried to do homework in the sunshine that afternoon. I ate the most random things, feeling disgusting and fat with each bite. I watched some episodes of Mad Men and debated meeting up with my friends in DC. I decided I just did not feel well enough for that. Around 7, I ventured out to browse some shops, just so I was not spending my entire day in silence in my apartment. I didn't buy anything, came home, and cried a bit more. I love having the radio on in my apartment, but this week, all I keep hearing about is rain, flooding, earthquakes, power outages, fires, and of course the anniversary of 9.11.01. Juan texted me to tell me he is excited to see me and kiss me - I respond that I feel fat and ugly and I can't have kisses. Just not a good day.
I slept in again until 9:30. I really do not feel like running, so, I will walk a bit today and run tomorrow when I get home from the Paul Farmer talk in DC (Has anyone ever read Mountains Beyond Mountains? It is my favorite book, and the doctor in it is who I am going to hear speak tomorrow). I am also going to begin a mini-detox à la Adeline. I plan to have herbal tea and a small glass of juice for breakfast, green tea for lunch, and fruit and a salad with lemon juice for dinner. That is the plan for this week (six-and-a-half days). Juan is coming on Saturday and I made him promise last time that we would eat healthily the next time he visits. Every time we get together we are eating out so much that I gain weight.
Thank you everyone for the lovely birthday wishes. I wish I could have celebrated with you in person - I always end up celebrating with strangers, in accordance with out school calendar. Every year in elementary school you have a new "homeroom," then middle school is a new batch, high school changes, you move to college, then abroad, then graduate school #1, and now #2. Last year was the first in forever that I was able to celebrate my birthday with my truly good friends. On Wednesday I am going to do a bit of birthday shopping, and I may try and find a pair of shoes today. I have coupons for Anthropologie, Sur La Table, and DSW. Obviously, on my graduate student budget, I have to be frugal, but at Anthro I want this lovely candle so much. I was given a candle like this last August, it took me a year to burn it, and last September I bought a replacement with my discount. I just started burning that one, but I want this bigger version in the pretty jar.
Anyway, I am rambling. My weight was up to 138 this morning, the highest I have recorded on this blog. Last year, this time, I was 130-132. I know I gained the weight by eating like a pig, but it still shocks me and makes me feel so unworthy of anything. I am going to try and just get dressed and get my day started, take a walk, have some tea, and feel better. We'll see how that goes.
Hopefully I can lose two or three pounds detoxing this week. I would feel much better that way. When Juan arrives, I need to stick to the plan I outlined in my last post and then I might finally be able to get under 130.
I'll get around to some commenting today. I have been a bit better about it, but I still need to reply to a bunch of your lovely posts.
Please think about where you were ten years ago, today. I do not personally know anyone who died as a result of the attacks, but I do know someone who escaped the towers and my father's crew went to man a firehouse in Manhattan. Just the thought of it gives me chills, and I sincerely hope that these innocent and brave people did not die in vain. While I believe in justice, I also believe in love. More love and less hate is what this world truly needs.
Perspective and a plan
To begin, a short list of the things I am proud of right now:
- Last week I ran 4 miles Monday, 8.5 Wednesday, 3 (plus 2 walking) Saturday, 5 yesterday, and 4 (plus 2 walking) today. In addition, I have been doing a lot of walking - I park my car about a mile from campus and sometimes have to walk an additional quarter to half mile across campus.
- I painted my lamp and standing mirror. The lamp is now a leaf-green to match the lampshade I purchased at IKEA and the mirror is blue. I am not totally happy with the mirror, so I may rub a darker paint (either darker blue or black) over it to tone it down. (I may eventually get around to taking a few photos)
- My first week of classes went smoothly. Global health, health promotions, intro to epidemiology, intro to biostatistics - I arrived on time and the syllabi lead me to believe I'll be able to handle this semester without too much stress.
- My apartment looks quite cute and my housemates are really sweet. Basically, my living situation couldn't be better. What a relief, especially since my situation in San Diego was so awful.
And the bad news:
- My weight is horrific. Each day I range somewhere between 136 and 138. After eating a salty, wheat-filled pretzel last night, I was 139 before my run today.
- I have a terrible stomach ache, and if that isn't a sign to not eat, I don't know what is. I had a bit of unsweetened soy yogurt for breakfast, and I may have some toast later.
- Juan is not coming this weekend for my birthday (the 9th). I sort of knew this would happen, and the only upside is that he may come next weekend, and in that case I have a little more time to try and get my body to be less gross.
- I have been eating practically non-stop, since my loans came through and I was able to afford some groceries. That led to an exploratory trip to whole foods. This has led to polenta and vegan cheese and other fattening foods. I need to stick to salad and stop being so gluttonous.
- Cellulite, stretch marks, and no thigh gap. Still.
And then there is eating.
As some of you know, I love to cook and bake. I am always checking out cookbooks from the library and am fairly obsessed with the vegan blogging world. Additionally, I love trying new foods and in general, eating. Yet, I hate what food does to my body. I simply have the constitution that if I look at a cookie, I gain three pounds. I see food as not so much nourishing, but combative to my system (I don't tolerate wheat or dairy well, hence the generally gluten-free, vegan diet). I hope that someday my attitude toward food and my body will be much more normal, but right now I am just not there.
I think I need to start cutting out more foods - specifically nuts. Cutting down my fat intake from nut butters and nuts will certainly decrease my protein intake, but I am not strength training right now, so I think it will be okay. I also need to have more rigidly set menus for the day. I want to restrict my calories to under 1000, and the only wait to do that is to have a daily recipe - basically a combination of meals that I can eat that I know will get me under my goal. For example, breakfast can be either soy yogurt with frozen fruit, oatmeal, or a smoothie (200 calories max). Lunch should be my heartiest meal, so I will have to look into my choices for that one - basically veggies, a whole grain, maybe a protein and a serving of fruit (400 calories max). Dinner should be strictly salads - all vegetables with a splash of vinegar or lemon juice and herbs (300 calories max). Then I have 100 calories to be able to have another piece of fruit, a soy cappuccino, etc. Caffeine is essential for getting me through afternoon/evening classes, but green tea is preferred to coffee.
Alright, I think I am finally running out of words and I need to just ruminate on all of this.
Final thoughts - under 1000, running minimum of five days per week (I am still training for my half-marathon on the 25th) with a preference of six days, organizing my schoolwork and time in order to maximize my efficiency and minimize snacking...
Any thoughts and comments will be greatly appreciated. I am quite grateful for your comments on the last one. I will write some replies tonight.
Big news!
Sorry for the delay. It does seem like I have been apologizing an awful lot for not keeping this blog more up-to-date. I need to get back into a good blogging groove. This community and recording what is going on in my life is the only way I ever lose weight.
As for my big announcement... I am going to graduate school! For those of you who have been reading since I started, you already know that I moved home to New Jersey after starting graduate school in San Diego and only completing one year. Last winter, I applied to Columbia, Tufts, and George Mason. I was accepted to all three, but quickly realized that there was no way I could afford any of these great private universities. So, for the past month or so, I have been applying for job after job, just hoping to get an interview. Then, two weeks ago, I received an email from the chair of the Community and Global Health Department in the School of Public Health and George Mason University, offering me a paid research assistant position. I was thrilled, but still felt very uneasy about the necessity to more than double my debt in order to attend. I asked if there was any possibility of obtaining an out-of-state tuition waiver - basically the school would treat me like a Virginia resident and I would pay that tuition, which is significantly less expensive than out-of-state. (For those of you not familiar with the US higher education system, basically it's expensive and screwy) After two nervous weeks, I found out that they were able to obtain the funding for that! Orientation for my program is on August 24th, so I am moving to the Washington, DC metro area in less than a month - crazy right?? I am incredibly excited to have such a good opportunity and be able to finally get my adult life on the right track. I will be studying for my masters in public health and hope to work for a government or non-profit humanitarian aid group.
As for eating and my weight. I was doing very well and managed to get down to a pre-gym/run 135 last week. Then, I had a few bad days and I'm back to 136-137. I ran this evening, and hope that will help my morning weigh-in be better. Hopefully, I will not eat too much since it is supposed to be another really hot day tomorrow. I have been keeping up with my training plan for my half-marathon in September, so I have been running quite a bit in addition to my classes at the gym. I know I eat way too much, hence why the weight is not coming off. Maybe living on my own soon will help. I am desperate to lose at least 18 pounds. I want to be 120. Heck, I would be happy with 125, most likely. I am simply not working hard enough.
Finally, I promise that I will comment tomorrow. You have all been writing so faithfully, and the least I can do is leave an encouraging comment to go along.
Tomorrow is a gym day, but I might add on a short warm-up run of 1.5-2 miles or take back-to-back classes. I still need to try and wiggle into this dress by the time Juan arrives for my friend's wedding in two weeks. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be thinner. The least I can do is skip breakfast.
As for my big announcement... I am going to graduate school! For those of you who have been reading since I started, you already know that I moved home to New Jersey after starting graduate school in San Diego and only completing one year. Last winter, I applied to Columbia, Tufts, and George Mason. I was accepted to all three, but quickly realized that there was no way I could afford any of these great private universities. So, for the past month or so, I have been applying for job after job, just hoping to get an interview. Then, two weeks ago, I received an email from the chair of the Community and Global Health Department in the School of Public Health and George Mason University, offering me a paid research assistant position. I was thrilled, but still felt very uneasy about the necessity to more than double my debt in order to attend. I asked if there was any possibility of obtaining an out-of-state tuition waiver - basically the school would treat me like a Virginia resident and I would pay that tuition, which is significantly less expensive than out-of-state. (For those of you not familiar with the US higher education system, basically it's expensive and screwy) After two nervous weeks, I found out that they were able to obtain the funding for that! Orientation for my program is on August 24th, so I am moving to the Washington, DC metro area in less than a month - crazy right?? I am incredibly excited to have such a good opportunity and be able to finally get my adult life on the right track. I will be studying for my masters in public health and hope to work for a government or non-profit humanitarian aid group.
As for eating and my weight. I was doing very well and managed to get down to a pre-gym/run 135 last week. Then, I had a few bad days and I'm back to 136-137. I ran this evening, and hope that will help my morning weigh-in be better. Hopefully, I will not eat too much since it is supposed to be another really hot day tomorrow. I have been keeping up with my training plan for my half-marathon in September, so I have been running quite a bit in addition to my classes at the gym. I know I eat way too much, hence why the weight is not coming off. Maybe living on my own soon will help. I am desperate to lose at least 18 pounds. I want to be 120. Heck, I would be happy with 125, most likely. I am simply not working hard enough.
Finally, I promise that I will comment tomorrow. You have all been writing so faithfully, and the least I can do is leave an encouraging comment to go along.
Tomorrow is a gym day, but I might add on a short warm-up run of 1.5-2 miles or take back-to-back classes. I still need to try and wiggle into this dress by the time Juan arrives for my friend's wedding in two weeks. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be thinner. The least I can do is skip breakfast.
Training week two
I will be through with my second week of half-marathon training tomorrow. I find it very strange that on this training plan, I am actually exercising quite a bit less than I was before hand. This week was three easy miles on Monday, my bursting class on Tuesday, four easy miles on Wednesday, bursting Thursday, rest yesterday, three easy miles today and five tomorrow. Unfortunately, this abominable heat makes me want to do nothing, but I got up early to get in my run this morning. Yesterday, it was 106 degrees at my house... in the shade... I spent the day with my friend Kathryn, the one who is engaged and in whose wedding I am set to be a bridesmaid next summer (maybe I haven't mentioned her on here before, but anyway). She has a lovely pool, and even though I was of course feeling super self-conscious, I put on my bikini and swam in the pool and spread out in the sun. Luckily, I did not get a bit of sunburn and actually tanned slightly. My calories for the day totaled somewhere just around 1,000. Obviously I feel like that is too much, but I know it is actually still too little.
My calorie tracker is really helpful. I can input my exercise and intake so easily, and I know this is going to help me. Today I made a smoothie and had a mid-morning snack of almonds and I am just under 300 calories so far. I am going to eat something very small, under 200, for lunch in case I want to have a glass of wine tonight. My college roommate is getting married on the 14th (hence the dress I am trying to fit into - which miraculously, although I may be delusional, I think fit slightly better this morning) and her bridesmaids took her to a cabin resort in the Poconos for the weekend. I live just over the river in NJ, so my other roommate from college is meeting me here in a bit and we'll drive out there for the afternoon. I am not sure what the food and drink situation will be for tonight, so I need to keep it minimal for lunch. I also think I may have to be in my bathing suit again, so I want to try and look at least halfway decent.
As for my big news, still not quite ready to reveal yet. Mich, since we are friends on FB, if you look on my wall just over the past week, I know I mentioned it there - if you happen to be that curious. Otherwise, hopefully I can tell everyone next week.
I hope everyone is having a lovely weekend, and for those of you in the States, stay out of the heat and drink plenty of water!!!
My calorie tracker is really helpful. I can input my exercise and intake so easily, and I know this is going to help me. Today I made a smoothie and had a mid-morning snack of almonds and I am just under 300 calories so far. I am going to eat something very small, under 200, for lunch in case I want to have a glass of wine tonight. My college roommate is getting married on the 14th (hence the dress I am trying to fit into - which miraculously, although I may be delusional, I think fit slightly better this morning) and her bridesmaids took her to a cabin resort in the Poconos for the weekend. I live just over the river in NJ, so my other roommate from college is meeting me here in a bit and we'll drive out there for the afternoon. I am not sure what the food and drink situation will be for tonight, so I need to keep it minimal for lunch. I also think I may have to be in my bathing suit again, so I want to try and look at least halfway decent.
As for my big news, still not quite ready to reveal yet. Mich, since we are friends on FB, if you look on my wall just over the past week, I know I mentioned it there - if you happen to be that curious. Otherwise, hopefully I can tell everyone next week.
I hope everyone is having a lovely weekend, and for those of you in the States, stay out of the heat and drink plenty of water!!!
Too heavy but feeling ok
I woke up a 5:45 this morning to see the sunshine pouring in my window and hear the birds singing. I quickly decided I should just put on my clothes and go for a run before my salon appointment and simply get my day started right. 5.2 miles and 45ish minutes later, I returned home, took a quick shower, guzzled a glass of water and had a handful of grapes. The scale miraculously reported 134.8 (which would probably be a bit lower, since I usually weigh around 9-10am before having breakfast and after a bathroom trip or two). Of course, I am not under 130 as I wished to be before Thursday. There is no hope for that now, but I am feeling ok about it. Mostly, I think the incredibly kind and encouraging words that you all have left for me in the past two weeks or so has put my anxieties at ease, at least temporarily.
Breakfast was three (two normal and the tiny heel of the loaf) slices of gluten free toast with a scraping of peanut butter and some strawberry jam that I made last week which is all being washed down with copious amounts of iced black coffee. I can already feel the caffeine kicking in, and combined with the endorphins from running, I feel pretty damn good this morning.
Today, I must continue to job hunt and send out resumes and cover letters as well as pack for my California voyage that begins Thursday afternoon. I am so insanely excited to see Juan - the last time we were together was April. And I must say a big thank you for all of the well wishes and excitement that you have expressed! What lovely, sweet ladies (and gents??) frequent my blog and leave comments. I do not know what I do without you all - especially the most loyal Dani, Adeline, Cinnamon, Peri, Mich, Tai, Isobel, and Eloise (not that I don't appreciate everyone else too!!!). I promise I will take a few photos of some sort on Wednesday before I leave, and plenty while I am gone!
Have a lovely Monday!
Breakfast was three (two normal and the tiny heel of the loaf) slices of gluten free toast with a scraping of peanut butter and some strawberry jam that I made last week which is all being washed down with copious amounts of iced black coffee. I can already feel the caffeine kicking in, and combined with the endorphins from running, I feel pretty damn good this morning.
Today, I must continue to job hunt and send out resumes and cover letters as well as pack for my California voyage that begins Thursday afternoon. I am so insanely excited to see Juan - the last time we were together was April. And I must say a big thank you for all of the well wishes and excitement that you have expressed! What lovely, sweet ladies (and gents??) frequent my blog and leave comments. I do not know what I do without you all - especially the most loyal Dani, Adeline, Cinnamon, Peri, Mich, Tai, Isobel, and Eloise (not that I don't appreciate everyone else too!!!). I promise I will take a few photos of some sort on Wednesday before I leave, and plenty while I am gone!
Have a lovely Monday!
Feeling (faking?) better
Sorry for my completely emo-Sarah post the other day. I was feeling huge and depressed, since I am not going to reach my sub-130 goal by next Thursday.
I have been eating generally clean, healthy food, and upping my exercise as of late. Monday was a killer workout - 9.69 miles in 1:25.something. Yesterday, I went to my class at the gym, and today is a rest day because I started work at eight this morning and am puppy-sitting until midnight or so. Additionally, I signed up for a half marathon on the 25th of September, so I am beginning my training now. I am just so tired of my legs not being thin enough to not rub together. I want to wear cute little booty spandex shorts with no shame. I know I have plenty of muscle, but it's hiding, hardcore, under the chub. (I posted a few recent photos - can't call them progress, since I have not lost anything - here) Someday, I swear I will be satisfied with my body. I know it will never be until I am hovering around or below 120 though.
Thanks so my for the encouraging comments, Tai, Dani, Adeline, Sophie, Amber, and Sea. I love that every time I am feeling down and struggling with what is going on in my head and with my body, you are here for love and support. What would we do without each other? It's even nice to know that people are reading, even if they are not commenting.
So, next week I am leaving for California to see Juan. I am nervous that I look and feel heavier than when he saw me last and that I will be disappointing to him and his family. The next week is going to be a bit of a crash diet involving lots of appetite-suppressing coffee and salads. I might need help with packing, so I may post some photos around here after all. I just want to look pretty and slim and elegant when I am with him. He deserves a beautiful woman by his side. 5'7", 136+ish pounds, with a flat chest is not that beautiful. I just need to lose fat. Did I mention we're probably going to the beach??? Bikini in public??? UGH.
Tomorrow, I plan on a 5+ mile run and my class at the gym. 6ish miles on the trail on Friday, and a run plus my class at the gym again on Saturday. I just need to pump coffee through my veins so I will not need to eat.
This post was totally rambling. Thanks again for bothering to read and support me. You ladies (younger and older alike!) are the best. Hands down.
I have been eating generally clean, healthy food, and upping my exercise as of late. Monday was a killer workout - 9.69 miles in 1:25.something. Yesterday, I went to my class at the gym, and today is a rest day because I started work at eight this morning and am puppy-sitting until midnight or so. Additionally, I signed up for a half marathon on the 25th of September, so I am beginning my training now. I am just so tired of my legs not being thin enough to not rub together. I want to wear cute little booty spandex shorts with no shame. I know I have plenty of muscle, but it's hiding, hardcore, under the chub. (I posted a few recent photos - can't call them progress, since I have not lost anything - here) Someday, I swear I will be satisfied with my body. I know it will never be until I am hovering around or below 120 though.
Thanks so my for the encouraging comments, Tai, Dani, Adeline, Sophie, Amber, and Sea. I love that every time I am feeling down and struggling with what is going on in my head and with my body, you are here for love and support. What would we do without each other? It's even nice to know that people are reading, even if they are not commenting.
So, next week I am leaving for California to see Juan. I am nervous that I look and feel heavier than when he saw me last and that I will be disappointing to him and his family. The next week is going to be a bit of a crash diet involving lots of appetite-suppressing coffee and salads. I might need help with packing, so I may post some photos around here after all. I just want to look pretty and slim and elegant when I am with him. He deserves a beautiful woman by his side. 5'7", 136+ish pounds, with a flat chest is not that beautiful. I just need to lose fat. Did I mention we're probably going to the beach??? Bikini in public??? UGH.
Tomorrow, I plan on a 5+ mile run and my class at the gym. 6ish miles on the trail on Friday, and a run plus my class at the gym again on Saturday. I just need to pump coffee through my veins so I will not need to eat.
This post was totally rambling. Thanks again for bothering to read and support me. You ladies (younger and older alike!) are the best. Hands down.
Apologies, again, for erratic posting
Luckily, as fate would have it, my weight has started to go back down after being stubbornly stuck and an obnoxiously high number. I was 134 after my workout - obviously, as all of you know, my goal is under 130 (pre-workout) by the 30th. That really means losing between 5-7 pounds. I think I can do it.
I have been exercising quite a bit - this morning 2.65 miles and my bursting class (735 calories gone) - and trying to suck down iced coffee like its my job to suppress my appetite. (Sidenote: I ran to the end of my road - 1.1 miles - in 8:48 yesterday - hell yes!) I did not do a great job eating so far today (lasted on nothing until 12pm, then soy yogurt with cherries and pecans, mini rice cakes, a spoonful of peanut butter, fresh pineapple, popcorn made with oil - my mom said she wanted some, and my air-popper does not make enough for two, so I decided to make it in the big pot. Long story short, she did not want any, so I made it with oil for no reason and shared with the dogs, but still waaaaaaaay too much - and then two spoonfuls left-over frosting. Green tea and iced coffee for the rest of the night, most definitely. I am so glad I worked out this morning.
Random act of awesomeness today - I went to Dunkin Donuts to order my medium coconut iced coffee, black, light on the ice (my summer pleasure) after driving one of my students to the bus station. Anyway, I get inside and there is a hand-written sign that says the credit card machine is broken. As usual, I did not have any cash on me. I just said, "Oh that's too bad, I really wanted coffee and I drove all the way down here." The guys just looked at me and I went to leave. The woman behind me pipes up and says, "What did you want? I'll buy your coffee for you, just a random act of kindness." I insisted no, but she offered again and so some super nice stranger paid for me $2.39 coffee :) I need to do something random and good and put some great vibes into the world. Being a Christian, I do not really believe in karma, but I certainly believe that putting kindness and love into the world is the best way to go about things.
I am trying very hard to get ready for my visit to see Juan's family. I really need to crack down on my diet. June is a new month and the perfect time to reduce my intake. The easiest way for me is to skip breakfast, which is not good for your metabolism. Honestly, I'm not sure if it makes a difference because I work out when I wake up. My metabolism must be boosted by a 5 mile run or my bursting class, so maybe it does not matter anyway??? Who knows? I think I am going to stick with skipping breakfast and just waiting until I get home, around noon, to eat or drink anything.
Please keep bugging me and help me resist food and exercise more. I have to be smaller soon. I just have to be.
Also, if you do not follow Dani, please give her a few sentiments of support. She's going through a rough patch and needs all the love we can muster.
Lots of love, as always...
endorphinsandveggies.tumblr.com
Deep Breath
So the other day I was freaking out a bit.
I have been really good this week. Over the past month of so, I had put on several pounds. But this week, I have been exercising fervently (ran 5 miles on Sunday/Monday/Wednesday, took classes/ran 1-2 miles today and Tuesday) and eating less. My weight, after the gym this morning was 133.4. I know that if I keep myself on this roll, I will be under 130, possibly 125 by July 1, when I leave to meet Juan's family.
Oh, did I mention that?? I bought a plane ticket to California!
In other news, I have an interview tomorrow at the school where I have been coaching this season. They have an opening in their admissions office, and had interviewed a bunch of candidates and nearly offered the job to someone. Long story short, the headmaster was telling the other coaches that he wished I would be around next year to coach and one of them mentioned my plans to move to California ASAP. I emailed the headmaster to let him know that even though I do plan to move eventually, if I am gainfully employed here for the next year before getting married, I would love to coach next spring. In the end, they held off on offering that job to one of the candidates and I had a preliminary interview on Monday. Tomorrow, I am going in for a day-long session of interviews I am incredibly nervous, but also really hopeful about getting the position. I don't know the salary, but it may allow me to move on campus and live with the students and save all of my money for moving/wedding/school in the future. Juan keeps mentioning how excited he is to get married... I think the ring is really coming soon :)
I went shopping yesterday and bought two pairs of pants (skinny jeans and skinny cropped stretch pants) from the GAP both in a size 4. I know the Gap, J Crew, Banana, etc. are all major vanity sizers and that I don't belong in a size 4, but it did make me feel good. I want to get under 120 so I will wear a size 2.
Thank you to everyone who left me words of encouragement, it's exactly what I needed... Cinnamon, Dani, Ariana, Adeline, Cierra... and also thanks to those of you who are still reading and still following. I'm in a much better position to get caught up on reading and commenting these days.
And I know I've been saying this for a while, but I am going to post progress pictures. When I hit 129, I promise.
I have been really good this week. Over the past month of so, I had put on several pounds. But this week, I have been exercising fervently (ran 5 miles on Sunday/Monday/Wednesday, took classes/ran 1-2 miles today and Tuesday) and eating less. My weight, after the gym this morning was 133.4. I know that if I keep myself on this roll, I will be under 130, possibly 125 by July 1, when I leave to meet Juan's family.
Oh, did I mention that?? I bought a plane ticket to California!
In other news, I have an interview tomorrow at the school where I have been coaching this season. They have an opening in their admissions office, and had interviewed a bunch of candidates and nearly offered the job to someone. Long story short, the headmaster was telling the other coaches that he wished I would be around next year to coach and one of them mentioned my plans to move to California ASAP. I emailed the headmaster to let him know that even though I do plan to move eventually, if I am gainfully employed here for the next year before getting married, I would love to coach next spring. In the end, they held off on offering that job to one of the candidates and I had a preliminary interview on Monday. Tomorrow, I am going in for a day-long session of interviews I am incredibly nervous, but also really hopeful about getting the position. I don't know the salary, but it may allow me to move on campus and live with the students and save all of my money for moving/wedding/school in the future. Juan keeps mentioning how excited he is to get married... I think the ring is really coming soon :)
I went shopping yesterday and bought two pairs of pants (skinny jeans and skinny cropped stretch pants) from the GAP both in a size 4. I know the Gap, J Crew, Banana, etc. are all major vanity sizers and that I don't belong in a size 4, but it did make me feel good. I want to get under 120 so I will wear a size 2.
Thank you to everyone who left me words of encouragement, it's exactly what I needed... Cinnamon, Dani, Ariana, Adeline, Cierra... and also thanks to those of you who are still reading and still following. I'm in a much better position to get caught up on reading and commenting these days.
And I know I've been saying this for a while, but I am going to post progress pictures. When I hit 129, I promise.
So where have I been?
Honestly, I don't know. I have been running and taking my class at the gym. Bouncing between liquid fasting and just eating too much. Feeling uninspired to write a long entry here. Busy with work and searching for a new job.
My weight this morning, post work-out, 134.8. What am I doing??? I should be 124.8 by now for goodness sake.
Anyway, this morning I did 2.25 miles on the treadmill and one class. It was too humid and sticky to survive another, but I burned 650ish calories in the process. I came home and made an awesome smoothie (banana, strawberry, soy milk, almond butter, flax, kale, super-green food powder, and sf chocolate syrup) - I am not sure of the calorie content, but I know it will keep me full for most of the day (eliminating the need for a real lunch). I'll snack on rice cakes and Crystal Light later and stick to tea and a salad for dinner.
All in all, I really need to up my game. I need to eat less and train harder or I am never going to be comfortably under 120, which is my ultimate goal. I want to wear light, pretty clothes this summer and look as good as I can when I go to meet Juan's family next month. This week I must remain incredibly and intensely focused on keeping my calories lower. Below 1,000 every day. I took a rest day Sunday and yesterday (Sunday I was at my kids' race all day walking around and helping with boats and such, but it was a super long day and I was exhausted even on Monday). I need to run tomorrow and Thursday, as well as take my class at the gym. On Friday and Saturday I will be in Philadelphia for my kids' last race, the Stotesbury Cup, and I probably won't get much exercise in besides walking. Therefore, I need to pack fruit, veggies, nuts, and rice cakes to keep me on the healthy track for those two days. If we go out to eat, salads only. Hopefully I will be able to update and read Tumblr from my phone and at least keep my focus. By the way, this is the bathing suit I bought. I love it, but it looks horrific on me...
http://endorphinsandveggies.tumblr.com/
My weight this morning, post work-out, 134.8. What am I doing??? I should be 124.8 by now for goodness sake.
Anyway, this morning I did 2.25 miles on the treadmill and one class. It was too humid and sticky to survive another, but I burned 650ish calories in the process. I came home and made an awesome smoothie (banana, strawberry, soy milk, almond butter, flax, kale, super-green food powder, and sf chocolate syrup) - I am not sure of the calorie content, but I know it will keep me full for most of the day (eliminating the need for a real lunch). I'll snack on rice cakes and Crystal Light later and stick to tea and a salad for dinner.
All in all, I really need to up my game. I need to eat less and train harder or I am never going to be comfortably under 120, which is my ultimate goal. I want to wear light, pretty clothes this summer and look as good as I can when I go to meet Juan's family next month. This week I must remain incredibly and intensely focused on keeping my calories lower. Below 1,000 every day. I took a rest day Sunday and yesterday (Sunday I was at my kids' race all day walking around and helping with boats and such, but it was a super long day and I was exhausted even on Monday). I need to run tomorrow and Thursday, as well as take my class at the gym. On Friday and Saturday I will be in Philadelphia for my kids' last race, the Stotesbury Cup, and I probably won't get much exercise in besides walking. Therefore, I need to pack fruit, veggies, nuts, and rice cakes to keep me on the healthy track for those two days. If we go out to eat, salads only. Hopefully I will be able to update and read Tumblr from my phone and at least keep my focus. By the way, this is the bathing suit I bought. I love it, but it looks horrific on me...
http://endorphinsandveggies.tumblr.com/
My humblest appologies
I am sincerely sorry for the extended absence.
Why I neglected to begin posting right after he left is embarrassing. Between the weekend with Juan eating out for almost every meal, and this past week/weekend with being at work and simply not exercising enough and not logging enough miles, my weight is horrific. My goal was to be under 130 by Juan's arrival. I was 133ish, which is too high in itself. Then, I proceeded to gain over the past week and a half, and I am ashamed of what my weight is now.
I know that is a pathetic reason, but I can't help it. I'm embarrassed for breaking goals and promises.
I bought a new bathing suit (eeek!) this week, and I am likely going to visit Juan's family in sunny Southern California in the beginning of June. Knowing how poorly I have performed lately and knowing that I look disgusting in said bathing suit, I feel more determined than ever to restrict and amp up my exercise. Starting today, I am on a 48hr fast. Green tea, water, coffee, and a variety of no-calorie beverages plus half a banana or apple before I run/take my exercise class so I don't pass out. I need to be better. This is the summer when I am going to get down to my goal 115-118. I want to run fast in my races this year, and yes I am signed up for a 5k, finally. I'm likely signing up for a half-marathon at the end of August too.
I desperately need to catch up on reading and commenting - thank you Mich for dropping me a line, I'm sorry I've been missing. I loved your last cartoons on your post! Adeline, you are so freaking brave. Let me know what I can do to help you, and I promise this week I will send you some mail :) Dani, we need to find you somewhere where you can get help for free. I am going to do some research and see what counseling services are available in NJ - you can't live like this. Everyone needs to follow Lita - she is kicking ass, she's gorgeous, and there's no doubt she will actually achieve her dreams of being a model. Sofia, you look so pretty in your picture, don't be so hard on yourself (I know, the pot calling the kettle 'black'). Peri, I've got to get caught up on your entries, they always make me love you a little bit more! And how could I almost forget Zette!!! You're fabulous... enough said!
Anyway, I don't mean to leave anyone out, but those are a few shout-outs that popped into mind. I love you all, every comment really helps me. Thank you for your support.
Why I neglected to begin posting right after he left is embarrassing. Between the weekend with Juan eating out for almost every meal, and this past week/weekend with being at work and simply not exercising enough and not logging enough miles, my weight is horrific. My goal was to be under 130 by Juan's arrival. I was 133ish, which is too high in itself. Then, I proceeded to gain over the past week and a half, and I am ashamed of what my weight is now.
I know that is a pathetic reason, but I can't help it. I'm embarrassed for breaking goals and promises.
I bought a new bathing suit (eeek!) this week, and I am likely going to visit Juan's family in sunny Southern California in the beginning of June. Knowing how poorly I have performed lately and knowing that I look disgusting in said bathing suit, I feel more determined than ever to restrict and amp up my exercise. Starting today, I am on a 48hr fast. Green tea, water, coffee, and a variety of no-calorie beverages plus half a banana or apple before I run/take my exercise class so I don't pass out. I need to be better. This is the summer when I am going to get down to my goal 115-118. I want to run fast in my races this year, and yes I am signed up for a 5k, finally. I'm likely signing up for a half-marathon at the end of August too.
I desperately need to catch up on reading and commenting - thank you Mich for dropping me a line, I'm sorry I've been missing. I loved your last cartoons on your post! Adeline, you are so freaking brave. Let me know what I can do to help you, and I promise this week I will send you some mail :) Dani, we need to find you somewhere where you can get help for free. I am going to do some research and see what counseling services are available in NJ - you can't live like this. Everyone needs to follow Lita - she is kicking ass, she's gorgeous, and there's no doubt she will actually achieve her dreams of being a model. Sofia, you look so pretty in your picture, don't be so hard on yourself (I know, the pot calling the kettle 'black'). Peri, I've got to get caught up on your entries, they always make me love you a little bit more! And how could I almost forget Zette!!! You're fabulous... enough said!
Anyway, I don't mean to leave anyone out, but those are a few shout-outs that popped into mind. I love you all, every comment really helps me. Thank you for your support.
Crunch time
So the weekend went completely to pot, with the rain and the holiday and not having enough to keep me busy.
Yesterday, the rain prevented me from my long run, so I ran 3.6 and this morning did 8.48. I am only eating fruits and veggies today (green smoothie - kale, various fruits, almond milk, ice, - fruit salad, jicama/broccoli slaw doused in lime and cayenne, dried mango and apple) and I feel really clean and refreshed. If I keep this up, I might just get to 130 by Friday.
Nothing really exciting is happening around her... just bought my camera this morning, so maybe I'll be posting more photos soon.
Thank you for continuing to comment around here. I've just been in a blogging funk and really haven't been as active...
Yesterday, the rain prevented me from my long run, so I ran 3.6 and this morning did 8.48. I am only eating fruits and veggies today (green smoothie - kale, various fruits, almond milk, ice, - fruit salad, jicama/broccoli slaw doused in lime and cayenne, dried mango and apple) and I feel really clean and refreshed. If I keep this up, I might just get to 130 by Friday.
Nothing really exciting is happening around her... just bought my camera this morning, so maybe I'll be posting more photos soon.
Thank you for continuing to comment around here. I've just been in a blogging funk and really haven't been as active...
Moi
- désespérée de maigrir
- I hate: my weight. I love: being a vegetarian, France, tulips & poppies, anything by Paul Coehlo, baby animals, gin, knitting, dresses, kirs, cake decorating, Johnny Swim & Matt Nathanson, running, Casablanca, my best friends and family, and an amazing French man who makes everything in this world so much easier to take on