Finally, a decent explanation

Time for the full story...

So last Monday, it was clear that Juan was actually on a plane, and actually coming to see me.  I was on-edge all day, but I went for a run in the morning, put on a pretty dress, babysat, drank lots of coffee, put in a few hours at the law firm, and headed to the airport to get him around six in the evening.  When I was standing at the airport, I wavered between excitement, nervousness/nausea, and wanting to run away.  Honestly, I must have been an awful shade of pale green when he finally laid eyes on me, because I honestly felt like I would pass out.

The rest of the week was surprisingly easy, fun, and peaceful.  I had cooked all weekend in preparation, so we had tamales and other treats.  I tried my best to stay under control, but I also try to act normal around Juan - this results in a 3-4 pound gain every time we have a visit.

We did a lot of sight seeing, walking, restaurant dining, wine drinking, and making love over the next four days.  We celebrated his birthday with sushi.  We had a dance party in my apartment.

I told him he needed to talk about his feelings.  He said he came to see if things between us were truly different when we were in the same place, and confirmed that they definitely are.  I suppose he needs to decide if he can work at this long-distance love for another 11 months until I graduate.  I have already waited so long, that honestly, I am fine with waiting some more.  It seems like he is leaning toward trying to put us back together.  I know that being a couple is hard for him - he is fiercely independent, unlike me.  But I also know that regardless of what he says, he can never truly let me go and I am quite certain he has not stopped loving me (though he is unaware of this fact) just as I have not stopped loving him.

Hopefully, we will just continue to repair and rebuild things and continue on.  He is fully aware that I would never move to California without us being married, so he has to deal with some serious commitment issues.  And its not like I do not have any improvements to make.  I need to demand a bit less of the things that are not in his nature, and learn to just relax.

In other news, my weekend, after tearfully saying goodbye at the airport, was entirely too dramatic.  I have not dealt with nonsense of this variety since I was probably 14.

Last summer, a friend of mine who I have known for a few years, asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this July.  I excitedly accepted and have tried to fill my bridesmaid role to the best of my ability.  As most of you know, 2012 has literally been the worst year of my life - Juan broke up with me, school and work combined were becoming a bit much, my school funding was completely messed up, and then my dearest friend went missing at the end of April (she has still not returned, please keep praying).  As a result, I will fully admit that I have not been at my friend's side for all of the details of this wedding.  I was home a few weeks before the shower in May, and organized a lovely group gift with my two best girlfriends from home (one of whom is the maid of honor).  Pauline went missing, and I decided I honestly could not go to the shower.  I was an emotional wreck and wanted to be prepared to leave the country on short notice.  At this point, I was barely speaking to anyone, and I sent the bride a text message with my regrets (she full-well knew what was going on).  Fast-forward a few days, and she called me to confront me about not telling her that I was not attending via telephone.  She said she was very hurt and that everyone she mentioned it to agreed with her.  As you can imagine, I thought she was totally out of line and completely un-empathetic to my life, but I apologized and swallowed my pride.  I even sent her a note in the mail to smooth things over and everything seemed great.

A few weeks after that, I start hearing buzz about the bachelorette party.  Originally, we had talked about a spa day at her hour, with plans to hire a masseuse and someone to do pedicures, as well as cook lovely food and provide plenty of bubbly - a nice, low-key affair.  Well, one of the other four bridesmaids (a friend of the bride's from boarding school) suggested a weekend of wine tasting.  Essentially, this bachelorette weekend has turned into an expensive, couples thing.  She and her fiancé are attending, as are her parents, and in total, 15 people.  While I would love to go, in all, between driving up to NJ, then to NY, two nights in a hotel, wine tastings, food all weekend, and missing work, I estimate the weekend would cost me near $500-$600.  Clearly, for someone living on student loans, this is not possible.  Weeks ago, the last time I was home, I let the bride know I would not be able to attend.  She was disappointed, but said she understood.

About two weeks ago, I found out that the bride has mentioned to her boarding-school friend, who had told the maid of honor, that she was disappointed that she received no lingerie at her shower.  My first thought was that this was kind of petty and ungrateful, considering she had a very fancy shower and I am quite certain she received all sorts of lovely gifts.  Whatever, I thought, I'll try and organize something.  Meanwhile, I purchased two nice bottles of Sofia Coppola sparkling wine to send up to the bachelorette weekend as a surprise, in an attempt to make up for my absence.  Early the week before Juan arrived, I emailed the other bridesmaids saying that I had seen some really nice pieces on a website that I liked and there was a coupon available - would everyone like to pitch in so we could afford something quite nice?  Here are the emails that ensued between me and the boarding school girl...

"I heard we were thinking about getting some lingerie for K as a gift for the bachelorette party.  One of the blogs I read, has a coupon good through this weekend for Eberjey.  Their lingerie is really beautiful in person and VERY soft (I've seen it at Anthro).  I was thinking these might be good options, and with 20% and between the four of us, very reasonably priced:

Any thoughts?

Oh, and since I am unfortunately unable to come to the bachelorette weekend, I got a little something to send along - two bottles of the Sofia Coppola sparkling wine for you all to share with Miss K while you're away!  It's the least I could do, and I'll give them to Danielle this weekend.


"Sounds good, but in the past, girls tend to each bring their own piece for the bride instead of just one. That way she has a good variety for the honeymoon."

"Maybe I'm mis-informed, but from the bachelorette parities I've been to, no serious gifts were ever given.  From what I've read and attended, gifts at bachelorette parities are typically of the "gag" variety and are more for novelty and giggles than serious, luxurious gifts.  Does anyone know if this is typically not the case?  Maybe I just don't know.

I obviously want this to be a special time for K, but it seems like we are giving a lot of gifts (engagement, shower, bachelorette party, wedding).  Which, when added to the expenses of actually being in the wedding (which as a bridesmaid, I was fully prepared for, and understand completely) it seems to be a lot.  If everyone doesn't want to get something as a group, then I guess we should leave it up to individuals to decide whether or not they want to purchase a piece of lingerie and not make this feel obligatory.  

I feel curmudgeonly bringing this up, but I think this concern needs to be voiced."

"Everything is personal preference. For me, K is an amazing friend who goes above and beyond to make every one of my wedding events special. She has mentioned to me more than once that she hasn't gotten any lingerie pieces, so I personally am going to make sure she gets more than one piece.

I personally don't see it as a hardship to do something for K that I know she'd do for me. Is it expensive? Sure. Does it make spending tight? Of course it does. But is seeing the joy on her face worth it? 100%. If you can't do it, then don't, but frankly you haven't been around much to hear what she's been looking for and would appreciate. So yeah, you're bringing up a point but missing the idea that it doesn't have to cost a million. Walmart, Target, Macys, etc... all have very affordable and beautiful items for lingerie. Doesn't have to be La Perla to be wonderful."

"Of course I want to do special things for K, she is a great friend to me and I want her to be very happy.  Yes, I am not home much, I am in school and working full time, as well as having some serious personal issues in my life that haven't allowed me to travel.  Beyond that I am living on student loans, which makes spending more than "tight" and I have a hard time gauging what exactly K is expecting from us, because she doesn't usually come off as a Target kind of girl.  Not that that is a bad thing, I just know that she likes nice things and I don't want her to be disappointed with something she thinks isn't nice or that we didn't try hard enough (that's not very articulate, but I hope you get the point).  So for me, sharing the cost of something is the most doable way to do it.  In understand if other people don't want to do that.  

Maybe I just find all of the ins-and-outs of weddings/etiquette/traditions very confusing and complicated?

So to wrap this up, I guess, its up to everyone to decide what they'd like to do, we don't have to go in on a group gift."

"I'm pretty sure at the bridal shower you were the one to tell me a group gift was not necessary. So I'm sorry for my confusion and lack of understanding now. There are plenty of cost effective places to buy lingerie and I'm sure K wouldn't be disappointed with anything that came with effort and heart.

Just an FYI, Macy's has some beautiful things that are in the $30-50 range. Not expensive at all but beautiful and they have weekly promotions for 20% off in addition to the sale. "   

Ok, so that seems relatively tame, no?  I was frank, but not rude, and I don't think I said anything bad about the bride, who is my friend.

On Friday night, I was supposed to get together with the bride, and two best girlfriends (one of whom is the maid of honor).  The bride canceled out plans, so the rest of us planned to get together on Saturday morning instead.  I meet my friends at the coffee shop, and give the maid of honor the sparkling wine and ask her if she has my dress.  She proceeds to tell me (very gently, seeing as she is one of the kindest people in the world) that I have been booted from the wedding party.  Initially, it is because K needs a bridesmaid who is more "present" (whatever that means).  I am obviously very hurt, especially that a. the bride did not bother to deliver this news herself, and b. she did not even try to discuss it with me, or frame it in a kind way.  

Needless to say, I come to find out through the maid of honor (God bless her wonderful heart), that K initially wanted her mother (a scary lady!) to deliver the news AND the real reason is because the boarding school friend showed her some kind of edited version of those emails!  I gather she wanted to keep the present a surprise, so she must have showed all of the worse parts out of context and completely sabotaged me.  I did not think that people in their mid-twenties had the capacity to act like this!  I do not even know this girl, and while I have not been the most serving bridesmaid, why would she want to do such a thing?  Furthermore, I STILL have not heard a thing from the bride, now five days later.

I am giving her until the RSVP date to try and contact me.  Otherwise, I will decline the invitation, write a letter to explain myself and defend my character, and end our friendship.  I know all of this terrible chatter about how awful I am is going on behind my back, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.  I just have to wait until she decides to talk to me.  And, I can just imagine that she is expecting me to grovel to her and apologize and beg to be in the wedding.  The whole thing just makes me crazy!  I was trying to organize a beautiful gift for her, how is that interpreted as being a bad person???

Anyway, bravo if you bothered to read all of that dramatic nonsense.  I hope some resolution develops soon, because I hate being stressed over this.

As for my weight, I was just under 137 this morning - horrific.  I am not more determined than ever, to get back down under 130, because if I end up attending this wedding, I need to be in top form.  Under 125 would be preferable, but it is only four weeks away.  I am going to begin my marathon training the first of July, however, and the heat makes my appetite disappear.  Plus, my mother has been harping about how she thinks I spend too much money on food (in my defense, I bought a ton of groceries for Juan, and food here is just more expensive than back home).  In all, I have a bunch of reasons not to eat.

I hope everyone else is having a much easier time, though I know the troubles in my life are pretty frivolous.


Eloise18 said...

Goodness. That is a lot of stuff going on. I'm glad things went well with Juan and that things are being seriously considered.
I don't think you have a commitment issue to want to be married before you move 3000 miles across the country.
I cannot believe how bitchy boarding school girl is.
Also I did NOT realise having a bridesmaid that was your assistant wedding organiser was normal?!

Take care xxx

Anonymous said...

Brides go absolutely nuts planning party after party and expecting everyone to pay up. It gets ridiculous after a while. It's like they just want to be center of attention and milk getting married for all it's worth. I had a very simple bridal shower at my house. Just 1. No bachelorette party. I didn't want anyone having to spend loads of money on my account. Don't feel bad. It's very sad that a friendship has to end over this though. As for Juan...if you are happy then I am happy for you. I just don't like it that he seems to toy with your emotions. He needs to decide and stick with it. Glad you had a nice time together.

Jéanne said...

I'm so pleased things with Juan are looking up! Men are such strange creatures, aren't they?! Still, what else can we do but love the big bananas?!

I don't mean to be rude, but it sounds like the bride-to-be is a bit of a spoiled brat and 'boarding school girl' as just a big selfish, insecure mess! Talk about childish! I feel really sorry for them. Personally, I think you're better off out of that wedding. Even if she does beg you to be in it, don't go. Save your money for an emergency trip overseas or to go and see Juan. I totally agree with you, I wouldn't give a gift just for the sake of giving one, I'd also go with something tasteful that will last. Call me old fashioned but, I always thought a wedding shower was for gifts and a bachelorette was for drinking, dancing and harmless flirting! I also think it's very bad manners to complain about gifts not given. If she wanted undergarments, she should given you a list! A lady would thank her friends graciously for their generosity and then go out and buy her own damn undies! I guess it's true what they say, money can't buy class, hey?! Such a shame!

Hang in there, keep running and get in top form, but don't do it for the wedding, do it for you! Stuff those all of girls!

I still pray for Pauline. I hope she finds her way back home soon. Much love. :) ♥♥♥

Claire said...

Eek! I'm sorry life's so crazy for you right now.
Firstly I'm so happy for you that Juan's visit went well. Sometimes boys can be silly like that, fingers crossed it all works out now.
Secondly wedding's are nuts. Mine was crazy and people seem to do things or are influenced by others more than usual. I think something about the stress makes people go a bit funny. I'm sorry this is going on, especially now.
My thoughts & prayers are still with your friend xxx

Peridot (G+P) said...

All I can say is BITCH.


She know's you're having a really rough time of it and then goes all selfsih mcbrideypants on you?

Well SHE obviously doesn't deserve YOU!

She should just cry a river, build a bridge and get the fuck over herself.

You're too awesome to waste your time on people who act like fucking teenaged brats.

(yes, I'm flying off the handle coz I think you're awesome and she could have been a bit more fucking empathetic)


AVY said...

Terrible. Take care of yourself.

/ Avy

Mich said...

Ugh so much BS!! This is exactly why I cut two of my friends out of my life completely; I just couldn't take it anymore.


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