Time to wake up from the dream

So Benjamin left almost a week ago.  We had such an amazing time, it was like a dream, honestly.  It was so good just to spend time together, with my friends, with my family and continue to grow closer.

I don't like to compare my relationships and feelings because it is sort of unfair in that every relationship is incredibly different, but I think in the end it is inevitable.  When I think about the love I have for Benjamin, it is on such a different level from what I had with Juan.  It's so mutual and trusting and solid.  I know we are working equally as hard and are equally dedicated.  Not to mention, you can feel how genuine and honest he is - when he says he is in this, I know he means that.  I feel a calmness and strength when I am with him that is unique to any relationship I have had.  Even though being far apart is going to be hard, I am truthfully not worried.  We are just grown-up partners who want to work together to share dreams and make something better… what a concept right?  With Juan, even though I loved him so intensely, I was constantly working to keep him.  It should not be like that.  It feels so damn good to be able to trust Benjamin and know he is a worthy guy.  And lest you think I am rushing this, I have known him for a little more than eight years now.  He was always amazing to Pauline and he has lived up to his reputation with me as well.

At this point, I cannot complain too much about the way things are shaking out.  I started my job (FINALLY!) last week and get a real, adult paycheck on the 26th.  Things are a little slow at the moment since it is a government job and many people are taking vacation/comp time/personal days before the end of the year.  In January, I have a bunch of projects to get rolling and I am excited to put my skills to use in a field that I love.  Additionally, I was able to negotiate unpaid leave when I began, so I did not have to cancel my trip to France for next week.  Yes, I know we just saw each other, but his parents invited me for the holidays.  I arranged the trip in September and since I have not accrued vacation days, I will be missing a week of work without being paid.  Obviously the trip will be entirely worth it.  On the downside, after this trip, we will probably not see each other again until May or June… that is a looooooong time.

So other than that, clearly I have turned into a little knitting factory in preparation for Christmas (and no, Mich, I haven't forgotten about the half-finished tea cozy that I began for you ages ago… it's on the top of the "to knit" list for 2014) and am trying my best to minimize eating.  I still have not worked out how I will exercise with this new work schedule, since I leave at 8 and am home at 5… it is dark at 6:30 and dark when I return home.  It has also been bitterly cold (15F) and snowy as of late.  I know when I am in France I will go running nearly every day with Benjamin and in January I plan to re-start Insanity, which I can do before or after work.  While Benjamin was here, we ate in restaurants and drank wine with great frequency.  I was working very hard on Piggy's challenge and managed to finally get below 140 (3 lb loss!) just before he arrived.  I gained some of that back over the past two weeks but have been quite strict in the week since he left and have at least one more to lose again.  My fridge is stocked with salad and kale!  I am hoping to get to 138 by this coming Friday.  That will be a challenge, but I think I can do it.  Then, I will be in France and while we will celebrate a lot, we will also be very active and there may not be as many vegetarian options for me to choose from.  So, I am hoping that between adding exercise and daily walking, I should stay the same.  Then we all know it will be 2014 and everyone will be making resolutions.  I make the same ones every year, but I think finally since my life is stable for the first time in forever, I may be able to reach them.  I am going to run another marathon in the spring, so this winter is the perfect time for me to finally reach my goal weight, improve my fitness (I don't think I will ever, ever, reach my UGW of 118, but at this point I would be happy with 125-128), and finally be content.  I know I am not content now.  Everything on my body is too big and my clothes are too tight.  My Frenchman is used to lithe, wispy girls… and while he is insistent that he loves me just as I am (he regularly tells me that asses like mine don't exist in France, which is true, since French girls don't exercise!) I know I could be so much better (for him and for me).

How is everyone doing?  I am quite behind on reading and definitely behind on commenting, but I am trying to get caught up over this snowy weekend…

Please head over to give Ruby some love and support, she just came home from treatment and you can find the details in her latest post.




Oh, and one last thing.  When Benjamin and I were visit Washington DC, we were being silly one afternoon and I was sort of sprawled on top of him on the bed pretending to sleep… this led him to jokingly(?) call me a "beached whale"… Yeah, yeah, I know… I was playfully hurt and let it slide until we went to dinner the next night.  After a few glasses of wine I gently laid it out.  I explained to him that it's not something I really like to joke about.  Both of my parents are always overnight or obese, I beta my first diet at age 10, and there have been periods of time in my life where I was essentially very eating disordered (though never diagnosed).  I told him that he can joke about anything but that.  I told him that I have a blog where I write all of my feelings about this nonsense so that I can contain it somewhere.  And you know what?  He apologized AND he said I was so brave for telling him that.  That he would have had no idea and that he really appreciated me telling him.  So, I guess that's good?

Almost the holidays

I feel like December is flying by, but not in a good way.  I need at least two more weeks to stay by myself, not go home, and keep losing.

I was down to 131.4 this morning before my run (I ran with a friend and I made us coffee and steel cut oatmeal afterward - 4T oats for her, 3T for me, 2/3 banana for her, 1/3 for me, and raisins in each, cooked with water).  My leg is still not really feeling better, but I just cannot keep sitting on my bum.  For lunch today I had a small apple, two tablespoons of hummus, and low-fat tortilla chips from Trader Joe's.  I am not sure of the calorie count, but I think I am ok so far.  Tonight, I am going to my roommate's parents' house for a bit, so I need to only taste what he is making (he specified that he was making tapenade so that I would be able to eat some).  Then, we are probably going to drink.  I would love to have two glasses of wine, but if I do that, that means I really should not dinner.  Maybe if I am truly hungry, I will have a salad of a head of romaine and broccoli slaw, dressed with lemon.  That sounds like a good plan and it will at least make me look like I am eating quite a bit.

Tomorrow, I have plans to meet another friend in DC for brunch.  We are going to meet at Le Pain Quotidien.  I know they have vegan options, so if I skip breakfast and avoid breakfast pastries, I am sure I can find something salad-y and low calorie that will be enjoyable and worth it.  Monday, I am meeting a study group at Panera, but I think I will feign waking up late, having a late breakfast, and stick with coffee or a soy latte.

I am nervous to go home and not really be able to control my food intake as easily.  I need to be under 130 by next Friday when I go home.  That should be simple, considering that means losing two pounds.  But, sometimes when the loss is going along swimmingly, you hit a plateau.  I would just love love love to be 125 when Juan arrives.  125 is just above my UGW of 118.  Maybe my UGW is too high?  I am over 5'7", but I doubt I will look thin enough at 118.  Maybe I should try not to think about it, since I am still gigantic and very far away (more than ten pounds).  Anyone have any advice?

Does anyone use Tumblr?  I have been using is fairly frequently, lately and would love for you to pay me a visit if you wish...

http://endorphinsandveggies.tumblr.com/

And in totally unrelated news, I think my cat just woke up from a nightmare.  She was sound asleep and all of a sudden bolted up and hissed.  There is no one else here and nothing to scare her.  :)  Oh my little Lou Lou.

Still too heavy

UGH 129.6 this morning.  I was doing so well before all of these Christmas festivities!  Yesterday, I was supposed to fast with some of the great people around this community.  I was great until I got in to work at noon and immediately became inundated with Christmas sweets.  Luckily, I do not go into work until four in the afternoon today, so I can make up for my failure yesterday.

As usual, I fit in a run - and it was a total blizzard outside!  The plows had come through but it was gusting up to 40mph winds so my normal 36 minute/4.4 mile route took me 43 minutes!  You should have seen me all bundled up, it was quite a sight.  In  little more than an hour I am going to that new class at the wellness center I joined.  I need to shed these disgusting pounds of fat hanging off of me and reveal lean, slim muscles.  Enough is enough already.

In other news, I dropped my phone in the bathtub, like a total idiot!  I was taking a bath, Juan texted me, and next thing you know - PLOP!  It is ruined but luckily I had my old phone to reactivate temporarily until I can figure out possibly buying a new one.  I just have too many expenses right now - another graduate school application ($65), new front tires ($130 since my dad was nice enough to give me $60), contact lenses ($100+), a small credit cared bill, possibly a plane ticket to California, etc.

Over the next few days I need to think about my new resolutions for the coming year.  I know my immediate goal for January/February is to get down to <120.

I hope everyone is doing a better job than I at losing and shunning all of the fat-inducing sweets that seem to surround us right now.  I know I can do this, but I need to refocus.  Today is a new day, and I am going to rock a liquid fast (tea for breakfast after my 10am class, water, instant low-sodium miso soup, vegetable juice, and more tea).  Maybe, if it goes well today, I can continue tomorrow and either stay with liquids or are fruit.

Thank you all so much for the kind words - I can hardly believe that all of these people I do not really know can be so supportive and sweet.

And Cinnamon, I mailed your package yesterday! :)

Joyeux Noël à Tous!

Hello my little chickadees... I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday weekend, even if you are not celebrating Christmas, I am sure you have a few days off from work or school.  It is nice to slow down and take a breath every once in a while, right?

Where shall I start?  Well, first of all, my weight was 129.6 this morning.  Not absolutely horrific, but I did take a laxative tea last night and I still think I gained between 1.5-2.5 pounds over the past two weeks.  Fortunately, I have no let everything go to shambles - on Friday, I went to a class at my local wellness center that I think I described a few weeks ago.  I signed my contract and joined, so I will be going Tuesday/Thursday/Friday mornings and running on Sunday/Monday/Wednesday at least.  I really need to supplement my running regimen with some weight and and core training.  I think this class is perfect, and if I manage to get down under 120, with this class I will look slim and toned and will probably have some abs to boot!  On Christmas eve I went to church with my family and then to my best friend's for their annual Christmas party.  I actually looked pretty cute in my new (via ebay) J Crew dress and sort of 60-ish styling.  I paired this dress with black tights, black patent leather ballet flats, and a black skinny belt to give it a waist.  I had cute gold ball earrings, winged eyeliner and a high ponytail after flat-ironing my hair.

On Christmas, I woke up early, bundled up and took my dog Lucy for a three mile run.  She was really well behaved and we had a great start of our Christmas morning.  When I arrive home my family was waiting for me to open our gifts.  We had such a lovely morning and everyone was pleased with the gifts I chose for them - an iPod shuffle for my computer illiterate father (so he does not have to sit and watch pseudo-music videos on YouTube any longer).  Sidenote on the iPod shuffle - if you do not have an iPod and have always been leery of/were unable to shell out the money for a big one, the shuffle is fantastic.  I have the first generation of color iPods - a 30G, which I do love, but Juan gave me his old shuffle because he did not use it anymore.  I use it everyday!  I love just putting a bunch of songs to get my psyched up for running and clipping it in my pocket.  It is light and practically unbreakable and I would absolutely recommend it to anyone, especially for fifty dollars!  For my mom, I was able to snag a signed copy of Ina Garten's latest book How Easy is That? that she absolutely LOVED.  I knitted a new hat for my brother because the one I made for him four years ago is practically worn to shreds.  For my older brother I bought him this groovy skin for his Kindle, since my parents bough both of my brothers Kindle 3s for Christmas.  I also filled my mom's stocking with some fun things - NARS lipgloss and a mortar and pestle from Sur La Table - and my dad's with great books and C.O. Bigelow shaving cream.

I was also the very lucky recipient of a few great gifts.  My parents were incredibly generous this year and bought my a Kitchen Aid stand mixer.  Additionally, I received some wonderful books, Mad Men seasons two and three on DVD, tea, and a great photo calendar from my younger brother.  It's poster sized and has a photo montage of my friend from France and me.  My aunt bought me a new air popper to pop popcorn, since our original one is from the 70s and smells like it might explode every time I turn it on.  Air-popped popcorn is one of my all time favorite low-calorie snacks/meals.  Basically, I was incredibly fortunate this Christmas!

Today, it is snowing like none other.  Luckily, I went out this morning for 4.5 miles with Lucy.  I do not think we'll get much accumulation, but it makes me want to snuggle up with some cocoa (check!) and write and knit and make up packages - I'm looking at you Cinnamon and Alice D!  If you have yet to see Alice's adorable Christmas video, please go now!  Behold my packages of tea ready to go to far corners of the world!

I hope you are all enjoying your weekends.  Warmest wishes for the next week as we get ready to welcome a new year.  I LOVE celebrating the new year.  I love making plans and resolutions and trying to improve myself.  Obviously, I do not reserve this only for January, but I feel like it is a clean slate to start afresh.