Time to wake up from the dream

So Benjamin left almost a week ago.  We had such an amazing time, it was like a dream, honestly.  It was so good just to spend time together, with my friends, with my family and continue to grow closer.

I don't like to compare my relationships and feelings because it is sort of unfair in that every relationship is incredibly different, but I think in the end it is inevitable.  When I think about the love I have for Benjamin, it is on such a different level from what I had with Juan.  It's so mutual and trusting and solid.  I know we are working equally as hard and are equally dedicated.  Not to mention, you can feel how genuine and honest he is - when he says he is in this, I know he means that.  I feel a calmness and strength when I am with him that is unique to any relationship I have had.  Even though being far apart is going to be hard, I am truthfully not worried.  We are just grown-up partners who want to work together to share dreams and make something better… what a concept right?  With Juan, even though I loved him so intensely, I was constantly working to keep him.  It should not be like that.  It feels so damn good to be able to trust Benjamin and know he is a worthy guy.  And lest you think I am rushing this, I have known him for a little more than eight years now.  He was always amazing to Pauline and he has lived up to his reputation with me as well.

At this point, I cannot complain too much about the way things are shaking out.  I started my job (FINALLY!) last week and get a real, adult paycheck on the 26th.  Things are a little slow at the moment since it is a government job and many people are taking vacation/comp time/personal days before the end of the year.  In January, I have a bunch of projects to get rolling and I am excited to put my skills to use in a field that I love.  Additionally, I was able to negotiate unpaid leave when I began, so I did not have to cancel my trip to France for next week.  Yes, I know we just saw each other, but his parents invited me for the holidays.  I arranged the trip in September and since I have not accrued vacation days, I will be missing a week of work without being paid.  Obviously the trip will be entirely worth it.  On the downside, after this trip, we will probably not see each other again until May or June… that is a looooooong time.

So other than that, clearly I have turned into a little knitting factory in preparation for Christmas (and no, Mich, I haven't forgotten about the half-finished tea cozy that I began for you ages ago… it's on the top of the "to knit" list for 2014) and am trying my best to minimize eating.  I still have not worked out how I will exercise with this new work schedule, since I leave at 8 and am home at 5… it is dark at 6:30 and dark when I return home.  It has also been bitterly cold (15F) and snowy as of late.  I know when I am in France I will go running nearly every day with Benjamin and in January I plan to re-start Insanity, which I can do before or after work.  While Benjamin was here, we ate in restaurants and drank wine with great frequency.  I was working very hard on Piggy's challenge and managed to finally get below 140 (3 lb loss!) just before he arrived.  I gained some of that back over the past two weeks but have been quite strict in the week since he left and have at least one more to lose again.  My fridge is stocked with salad and kale!  I am hoping to get to 138 by this coming Friday.  That will be a challenge, but I think I can do it.  Then, I will be in France and while we will celebrate a lot, we will also be very active and there may not be as many vegetarian options for me to choose from.  So, I am hoping that between adding exercise and daily walking, I should stay the same.  Then we all know it will be 2014 and everyone will be making resolutions.  I make the same ones every year, but I think finally since my life is stable for the first time in forever, I may be able to reach them.  I am going to run another marathon in the spring, so this winter is the perfect time for me to finally reach my goal weight, improve my fitness (I don't think I will ever, ever, reach my UGW of 118, but at this point I would be happy with 125-128), and finally be content.  I know I am not content now.  Everything on my body is too big and my clothes are too tight.  My Frenchman is used to lithe, wispy girls… and while he is insistent that he loves me just as I am (he regularly tells me that asses like mine don't exist in France, which is true, since French girls don't exercise!) I know I could be so much better (for him and for me).

How is everyone doing?  I am quite behind on reading and definitely behind on commenting, but I am trying to get caught up over this snowy weekend…

Please head over to give Ruby some love and support, she just came home from treatment and you can find the details in her latest post.

Oh, and one last thing.  When Benjamin and I were visit Washington DC, we were being silly one afternoon and I was sort of sprawled on top of him on the bed pretending to sleep… this led him to jokingly(?) call me a "beached whale"… Yeah, yeah, I know… I was playfully hurt and let it slide until we went to dinner the next night.  After a few glasses of wine I gently laid it out.  I explained to him that it's not something I really like to joke about.  Both of my parents are always overnight or obese, I beta my first diet at age 10, and there have been periods of time in my life where I was essentially very eating disordered (though never diagnosed).  I told him that he can joke about anything but that.  I told him that I have a blog where I write all of my feelings about this nonsense so that I can contain it somewhere.  And you know what?  He apologized AND he said I was so brave for telling him that.  That he would have had no idea and that he really appreciated me telling him.  So, I guess that's good?


Bella said...

I like the sounds of this Benjamin fellow more the more I read about him. He seems to give you a real sense of stability.
"We are just grown-up partners who want to work together to share dreams and make something better"
That is just beautiful. It's good you were able to talk to him about why jokes about weight can be hurtful. His response was absolutely perfect in my opinion, so definitely a good thing.

Good luck with your goals for the coming weeks and the New Year. And enjoy France next week! What a beautiful place to spend Christmas.


Peridot (G+P) said...

I like partners. Partners is good. Someone who makes you feel like you have to work for them all the fucking time is exhausting and it becomes very one sided.


Damn I wish I had remembered to start knitting earlier. It won't happen this year, sadly. GAH!

FUCK YES that was a brave thing to do. I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself Re:what makes you uncomfortable AND I'm delighted by his reaction.

Sending a ton of love to you gorgeous Dese *Billions of hugs*

Eve said...

You know, I would rather have an ass, not just a butt. It's what makes us womanly. :D
He sounds fantastic. Hold on to him. That kind of love that develops from that kind of respect and trust is beautiful and pure to be sure.

Miranda said...

Relationships are a partnership. I'm so glad you are finally feeling what it's like to be an equal partner where both sides are giving. You deserve that! I know whatcha mean. Joke about anything but weight. It's communication. It was on your mind and it mattered so you said it to him and he understood. We have the same UGW!! I'm feeling terrible about my bod but I'm probably not going to attempt weight loss until March.


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