Feeling lost

I feel completely lost right now.  I have not told anyone because I do not want people to be worried about me.  At least I can write it here and know that at the very least one person might read it and send a positive thought or a prayer my way.

Weight wise, I'm sitting between 129-130.something for the past week.  I am actually somewhat grateful, considering I have been under some stress and have sort of just been scrounging whatever I can find to eat and neglecting my food journal.  I still have seven yoga classes left, which is good, because I have not been running much.  I think my body needed a break after running almost daily for 11 months.  I am having some odd intercostal chest muscle pain (the muscles in between your ribs) that will not seem to go away.  On Sunday, I had a great run - 6.3 miles in 53 min, not too shabby for more than six weeks off.  But since then I have not felt in the right place to run.  I think I am just going to enjoy what is left of my yoga classes and pick back up with a serious running regimen when I return from my Seattle trip.

I am not sure if I mentioned that around here, but I had a ticket to visit Juan for next weekend, but my younger brother kindly paid for me to change it to come visit him in Seattle (he is in the Navy and stationed there).  So, next Friday I leave for a long weekend.

And one more piece of news... Before I go away, I am starting a new job at a law firm in town.  It's an office assistant position of 9+ hours per week in the afternoons before I have to be in class.  The job is very well matched for my needs, and while I was the last candidate interviewed yesterday, the office manager offered me the position on the spot.  I called her a few minutes ago to accept and start next week.

The local yarn store is also looking to hire me, hopefully for a day or two per week or on the weekends.  I just need to piece together a few odd jobs and pick up some babysitting to be able to make it through the summer.  I finished my first piece for my Etsy store - which once it is truly up and running, I will post the link here in case anyone wants to browse - but have a hat and a little cowl to finish for my brother and mother before I knit more things for the shop.  I asked my grandmother to invest in my shop, and she lent me $100 to buy yarn.  Hopefully, with my busy school schedule I can find time to do all of this.  School is already busier than last semester and my research assistant position is more demanding too.

Sometimes I feel like a chicken running around with my head cut off.  I miss feeling secure and like I had someone who I could depend on for absolutely anything.

Finally a bit of an update

I really am terribly sorry for being away for so long.  I have been reading and not commenting on a thing, because as you all know I'm suffering the drastic consequences of a breakup with the man I intended to marry in the not-so-distant future.

So where am I right now?

Well, I went home for about ten days after the break up.  I spent some time wit my family, my brother came home on leave from the Navy, and I saw my friends often. I knit a sweater.  I didn't exercise even the slightest bit while at home, but started Bikram yoga at a local studio before I left.  I have 10 more classes to take and then I'll have to stop, I guess, or maybe go once a month.  The studio is VERY expensive.  I had a six-week hiatus from running, but I have a 10-mile race in April and soon I am going to register for my first marathon in September.  I ran on Tuesday and a slow three miles today.  School started on Monday and so far I think it will be a good semester.  Fortunately, being a totally broke graduate student is doing wonders for my diet - as I am comfortably at 129 pounds.  If I can lose between 10-14 more, I will finally be at my ultimate goal weight.  For once, I think it is attainable.

As for Juan - it is really, truly over, unless there is some earth-shifting miracle.  He finally confessed that he had been planning to break up with me and had been having doubts since Thanksgiving, but did not want to ruin my Christmas (which he did anyway).  He thinks we are ultimately incompatible (amazing, since only a few months ago he was going on wax poetic about how I was the woman he wanted to have a family with).  I mailed him the last of his belongings, and once I get my package with my things in it, I guess we never have to speak again.  My heart absolutely aches.  I miss him so much.  I love him every day.  I know he is being a royal asshat right now and I do not want to be with someone who chooses his job over me, but we had a wonderful relationship for the past year and a half.  Despite all of the traveling and missing one another, we made it work so well, until he chose to be selfish and give his work the attention I deserve.  It really just hurts so much and nothing will make it better.  I am not completely in the depths of despair, only because I know I have obligations and have to keep living my life.  One day at a time.

I am going to get caught up on some blog reading and finally send out some comments and thank-yous to the people who have been incredibly supportive of me through this.

I hope things are going well in this new year for all of you.  Each of you deserves to be happy and at peace.

Hello 2012

Sorry for the dramatic tone for my last posts.  The last days of 2011 we a complete disaster, to put it simply.

As I mentioned in my last post, I had been counting down the days since September to when I would see Juan again.  I wanted to visit him at Thanksgiving, but he thought it was not a good idea because he had to work and I would have to spend so much money on a plane ticket.  During the Black Friday sales, we found super-cheap tickets from Washington DC to Los Angeles and we both made our purchases.  He was set to arrive on the 30th and leave January 8th.  My ticket is for the weekend just before Valentine's Day.

On Wednesday, Juan explained that he had a meeting with his boss and human resources and was unsure of why they needed to meet with him.  I assumed he just needed to fill out some paperwork, but late at night I received a cryptic text that said something like "I have great news but I don't know what to do :-/"  As you can imagine, I was on edge all the next morning.  Finally, I heard from him around two in the afternoon, and he explained that his boss offered him a huge promotion, but in order to take it, he would have to be in Chicago today.  We discussed it, and obviously the promotion was the right choice, but that does not mean I was not devastated.  Our relationship has been under so much stress lately because of the distance and not seeing each other for so many months.  Even now, we still do not have a plan for seeing each other.  I am hoping that he calls me tonight and we arrange for me to go out there this weekend and stay for most of the week, even if he has to work.  I just miss him so much.

I am terribly afraid that this job is going to make him so busy - he is already consumed with it and barely has time for me - that he won't have time for our relationship at all.  And, he was planning to move here this summer, which obviously will not happen, thus not only delaying us being in the same place, but undeniably delaying our engagement.  I have this horrible feeling the whole thing will snowball, but I am trying to keep my head above water.

Needless to say, my New Year's Eve (my absolute favorite holiday) was terribly depressing.  I cried and watched movies with my cat.  I barely moved from the bed to my couch and back again.

Today, I am feeling much better - I went to my first of twenty Bikram yoga sessions with the Groupon Juan bought me for a studio just a few miles from my house.  It was insanely intense, hot, and sweaty.  Yoga for 90 minutes in a 105 degree room... phew!  I have done that kind of yoga, and some others, but never anything this difficult.  Even when its over (there is no way I can afford to keep going, as their drop in classes are $18 and the unlimited monthly passes are $125/mo - my 20-class pass was only $40) I hope to keep practicing yoga with youtube videos and such.  Tomorrow, I am going to go for my first run in two weeks.  Hopefully, it will not be too cold - if so, I need to just suck it up and get my ass in gear.  Taking a break was good for me, my leg finally feels normal.

And in relatively good news, I was 130.4 this morning (129.4 after breakfast/hydrating/sweaty yoga!) - my dreaded holiday weight gain already gone.  I'm hoping that after that class and eating super clean today (a persimmon and green tea for breakfast, homemade hummus with "low-guilt" tortilla chips for a snack, lunch of a huge salad of romaine, broccoli slaw, roasted peppers, jicama, cucumber, avocado, and snap pea crisps with homemade lemon-tahini dressing, a square of 85% dark chocolate, my new gingerbread coffee, and lots of water) I will be under 130 tomorrow.  I need to get into the 120s and stay there once and for all.  I feel like my goal is attainable this year - 118.  I think I can do it.

How was everyone's holiday?  I am so behind on reading and commenting.  Thank you so much for taking the time to leave me sweet messages of support and love when I was feeling so devastated.  You are all so kind and beautiful. Thank you for understanding.

I think I am going to make my list of resolutions tonight and post about that tomorrow.  Anyone else?