Broken Record

The energy to write has been totally escaping me as of late - in fact, the energy to do much else but school work (of which I am obligated) and sleep and eat has been about all there is.

I spent the weekend with my brother in Seattle.  I had a truly lovely time, ate without worrying about being judges or having immense thoughts of self-loathing.  My brother is also a vegan, and he treated me all weekend - sushi, lots of yummy soy lattes, lunch in a Rastafari cafe, dinner a fancy vegan bistro in Downtown Seattle, strudel in a sweet Scandanavian settlement town, and other tasty things.  We wandered through a zoo, rode the ferry, traipsed all over Seattle and several quaint bay-side island towns and laughed a lot.  I am pretty close with my younger brother and I miss him a lot now that he is across the country.  It was a good weekend, but rather than returning refreshed and relaxed, I just feel awful now.

I was hoping Juan would make it to the airport on Friday during my layover.  We talked on Friday morning, and classic Juan, he waited until Friday to realize he truly wanted to come and by the time it was  "too late" for him to get off work.  I know in my heart that if her really, really wanted to see me, he could have called in sick.  Or better yet, he could have flown to Virginia sometime in the past six weeks to see me.  I am completely delusional when it comes to holding out with a glimmer of hope.

But, as I may have mentioned, he is still holding my belongings hostage.  Again, these are not things to which I attach any sentimental value, but I mailed him his stuff the week we broke up, and these things belong to ME.  So, in a moment of desperation the other night, I sent one of his younger sisters, who I have never met, a message on Facebook, purely with the hope that she could influence him enough to get him to send the package.  He has been ignoring about 80% of my attempts to contact him, so I was at a loss of what to do.  I figured mentioning to his sister would be less embarrassing than having my dad call him.  I finally got Juan on the phone yesterday afternoon to tell him that I had messaged his sister and he totally lost it.  He was so angry - and next to nothing raises emotion at him, so I know he was truly upset with me.  I guess he just thought it was totally out of line and does not want his family involved.  Its strange because we were together for so long and I always felt he might be embarrassed of me, and that why I had only met him mom and never any of his siblings or dad.  He initially just kept saying, "Are you kidding me?" and then hung up.  I called him back, tearful as always, and told him that I had no idea what else to do, since it has been so long and he always ignores me.  He said I needed to be patient.  I told him that I did not recognize this person who just does what he wants without any accountability and no regard to my feelings, especially after having claimed to love me for so long.  He just said he can do what he wants.  I told him he would be alone if he lived his life like that, and he said that was fine.  Absolutely unbelievable.  I cried for a few minutes and ended up a few minutes late to work.  I cried at my desk for a bit when my boss was away from her office.

Last night, I wallowed depressed as ever, ate ice cream and cried and wasted my whole night, not doing any schoolwork whatsoever.

Today has been similar, I slept in really late and have been completely unproductive.  I have eaten WAY too much than is necessary even for a normal person, and given my sedentary day, it is completely inexcusable.  Finally, I am not in the least bit hungry, I just feel empty and sad, so I am not eating anything for dinner and I think I am going to just stay locked away instead of going to the party my roommates are throwing upstairs.

The most incredible thing is that when I started this blog, so many months ago - back in 2010 - it was several months after Juan and I had broken up initially and I basically felt like I do now.  I felt directionless and sad - the only thing I was sure of was going to work each day (for now I have replaced that we school and schoolwork and another job/possibly two).  I have no idea where my life is going.  I am not one of those wildly independent, strong people, who can live life companionless.  I need someone by my side, in my corner, not to necessarily help me with every little thing, but to know that I have a strong foundation that will never shake.  Instead, the man who said I was his everything and who wanted to marry me, gets to move on with his perfect life and leave me gasping for air.  My chest literally hurts just to think of it.  Even worse when I get overwhelmed and cry.

I am sorry to write such horribly depressing things.  And I am sorry that I come across as ungrateful for the wonderful things in my life - a roof over my head, plenty of food to each (even on a "broke" grad student budget), a loving family (despite its flaws), a research assistant position, somewhat affordable education, another job, a car, and a handful of truly wonderful friends (including blogging friends)... I know I am not completely deprived.

I just feel like my heart will never ever recover from this, that I can never trust anyone with my heart - it makes me not want to ever try to find love, to have children, to be around people who are in love... I have no idea how to reconcile the fact that I know, as a person, I need a companion, but the thought of ever going through this again is enough to turn me off to everything.  How does someone whose very livelihood depend on companionship prepare themselves for a life of being alone?  And I know that everyone will say, you have to learn from this, there is someone, somewhere who will love you unconditionally and so strongly that none of this will matter in the end.  Well, the fact is that I do not believe that for a second.  Sure there are people who break up, get divorced, and find love again - but no one admits to the fact that there are also a ton of people who never find anyone else!  That chance at love was the one, there is not going to be another.  Then what?

Sorry for rambling on and on.  Hopefully this awful feeling that keeps my appetite at bay will stick around long enough for me to lost some serious pounds in the next month or so.  I am consistently between 130.something and 131.something every morning.  I plan to start running again tomorrow or Monday, mainly because I know the endorphins help and being lazy disgusts me.  I should have been down to 118 ages ago, its embarrassing.  

Thank you for checking in on me, those of you who have.  And just for kicks, I have a few pictures from the weekend...

This was a 3300lb walrus named ET

Sea otters are my absolute favorite

It's only me at the zoo

The full skyline of Seattle, space needle and all... it looks so small from far away!

A view of Seattle from the ferry

Pikes Market

Yarn porn!

The original Starbucks

Pikes Market sign

This was from a beautiful map shop

I asked the barista to give me his best latte art,
and he made a little devil on my soy latte

The lovely town of Poulsbo

More Poulsbo

My brother put up with a lot of yarn shopping - this was The Churchmouse in Bainsbridge, WA

Bainsbridge

Too heavy - as usual

There is a small chance that Juan might meet me at the airport on Friday during my layover.  I have an hour before my next plane leaves - so that means getting off the plane quickly, finding the exit, chatting/crying for 15 minutes, and making my way back through security.

I wish I was not eating so much.  I have been feeling under the weather and not exercising, but still eating.  I was 131 this morning.  I should already be 125...

And I feel like I am buried under a huge pile of schoolwork.  It's giving me a headache.

I wish I had something more positive to say, but so it goes for now.

Thank you, as always, for the encouragement.  It is such a relief to know I can depend on your ladies.

Finals are over, time for the last weight loss push of the year

So, as I am sure you gathered from my title, I am finished with finals.  I am currently sitting in "my" room at my parents' house with my kitty and my knitting.

My leg still is not 100% better, but I went for an hour-long walk yesterday and a 3 mile run today.  I partied on Friday night like none other, so I need to be extra disciplined this week.

Friday was an absolute blast.  I went to the faculty Christmas party at the school where I coached this past spring.  It was so much fun to see my friends, get quite drunk (which I rarely rarely do) and dance my little tushie off.  I was something like 129.8 the morning of the party and then obviously ate and imbibed that evening.  This morning I was 131.6.  I have eaten some toast, hummus, and coffee today - so with more coffee and some water, I should be able to get under 131 by tomorrow.  Then, I am going to try my absolute hardest to drink water, eat veggies, and stay away from chocolate so I can be somewhere closer to 125 by Christmas.  I will be please as long as I can be 125 by the 30th, when Juan arrives.  Since I am going home on the 28th, I know I will barely eat that day and likely the 29th out of nerves, which should help.  I will be really sad if I cannot make that goal.

2012 is finally going to be the year where I will be thin.  I will get to 118 this year.  I will be so busy/stressed this spring and trying to save money, thus I will get rid of extra stress with long runs and reduce my grocery bill by eating less.  I am finally going to do it, and maintain it.  I really do not want to have to diet for my wedding someday, and that means finally being thin and staying that way.  118 is my magic number.  I will do it.

How is everyone?  I am sort of enjoying home so far - things are relatively low-key at home and I simply have knitting, wrapping, and catching up with friends and family on my "to-do list."

I really hope I can do this girls. 125 by the 30th. I have 11 days. That does not seem like enough time, but I have to try.

One last thing, Juan helped me choose my outfit for the party via Skype, and when I was modeling, he asked me, "Have you lost weight?" Oh, those four beautiful, inquisitive words...

Almost the holidays

I feel like December is flying by, but not in a good way.  I need at least two more weeks to stay by myself, not go home, and keep losing.

I was down to 131.4 this morning before my run (I ran with a friend and I made us coffee and steel cut oatmeal afterward - 4T oats for her, 3T for me, 2/3 banana for her, 1/3 for me, and raisins in each, cooked with water).  My leg is still not really feeling better, but I just cannot keep sitting on my bum.  For lunch today I had a small apple, two tablespoons of hummus, and low-fat tortilla chips from Trader Joe's.  I am not sure of the calorie count, but I think I am ok so far.  Tonight, I am going to my roommate's parents' house for a bit, so I need to only taste what he is making (he specified that he was making tapenade so that I would be able to eat some).  Then, we are probably going to drink.  I would love to have two glasses of wine, but if I do that, that means I really should not dinner.  Maybe if I am truly hungry, I will have a salad of a head of romaine and broccoli slaw, dressed with lemon.  That sounds like a good plan and it will at least make me look like I am eating quite a bit.

Tomorrow, I have plans to meet another friend in DC for brunch.  We are going to meet at Le Pain Quotidien.  I know they have vegan options, so if I skip breakfast and avoid breakfast pastries, I am sure I can find something salad-y and low calorie that will be enjoyable and worth it.  Monday, I am meeting a study group at Panera, but I think I will feign waking up late, having a late breakfast, and stick with coffee or a soy latte.

I am nervous to go home and not really be able to control my food intake as easily.  I need to be under 130 by next Friday when I go home.  That should be simple, considering that means losing two pounds.  But, sometimes when the loss is going along swimmingly, you hit a plateau.  I would just love love love to be 125 when Juan arrives.  125 is just above my UGW of 118.  Maybe my UGW is too high?  I am over 5'7", but I doubt I will look thin enough at 118.  Maybe I should try not to think about it, since I am still gigantic and very far away (more than ten pounds).  Anyone have any advice?

Does anyone use Tumblr?  I have been using is fairly frequently, lately and would love for you to pay me a visit if you wish...

http://endorphinsandveggies.tumblr.com/

And in totally unrelated news, I think my cat just woke up from a nightmare.  She was sound asleep and all of a sudden bolted up and hissed.  There is no one else here and nothing to scare her.  :)  Oh my little Lou Lou.

Busy busy busy

Down to 131.8 without any exercise.  My latest strategy is simply that I do not want to go grocery shopping until after I come back from Christmas holidays and I would rather spend my very limited funds on Christmas gifts.

My leg is still bothering me - not sure if I mentioned that - so I did not run much last week, I ran on Sunday and woke up in pain on Monday, and am just going to wait it out.  Maybe I'll finally feel better on Saturday.  Not running is making me totally stir crazy.

My days have been filled with much studying, reviewing, writing papers and statistics reports.  Whenever I get a break, I sneak in a bit of knitting.  I finished one hat, I'm almost done with my roommate's little neck-warmer, I have one hat to finish by Sunday and two more by Thursday night.  Then I have three more knitting projects before Christmas.  Just another hat, neck warmer, and bed socks - nothing too crazy, like last year's sweater for Juan.

I hope everyone is enjoying the spirit of the holiday season.  I do not really enjoy the crowds involved with shopping, but I love gift-giving at any time of year.  I obsess over the perfect presents.  I ordered a great safety razor set with a brush, stand, and soap for Juan.  I have it shipped directly to him, so he can open it on Christmas and will not be forced to check his luggage when he comes to visit at the end of the month (24 days!!!).  I know he will really appreciate it.  I need to box up my friend Pauline's gift and get that mailed off to France.  I need to work on knitting some other little things for blogging friends too - I started a fun surprise for Peri, but it's been on hold with the Christmas things.  I'd love to send some hats and mitts to various corners of the globe.

How are you all doing?  I feel like I am in an okay spot now after all of the drama with my family and I'm just trying to stay focused on school, drink many cups of tea, and snuggle with my cat.  I sound so lame, huh?

Here's to reaching 130 before Christmas (looks easy at this point) and with any blessing, 125 before Juan arrives.  That's a little less than 7 pounds and I haven't even been running lately.  I am finally getting closer to my goals.  I can hardly believe it.

Ehh

I had a pretty great day yesterday - managed to be 131.4 after the gym (ran for 15 minutes and then took back-to-back classes).  I ate a small bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, brussel sprouts for lunch, and then I was foiled!  The coaches wanted to go out for dinner and I ordered a veggie burger.  I ended up eating the whole thing, including all of my sweet potato fries.  Serves me right, this morning I was back up to 133.6 after my 5 mile run.

Today I am eating nice and clean - oatmeal for breakfast (150 cals of oatmeal, 20 of soymilk, and 50 of dried cherries - 220), and a snack of Better'n Peanut butter (100)... sticking to fruit and vegetables for the rest of the day.

I have such a warped view of myself.  The other night I was horribly upset after just having a good-old-fashioned bad day.  I cried when I looked at myself in my underwear in the mirror.  I want my legs to be so much thinner.  I want my arms to be skinny and muscular.  My stomach looks ok about 25% of the time.  And yet, people tell me I am thin and beautiful.  I wear a anywhere from a size 2-4 (occasionally a 6 depending on how the sizes run).  35-25.5-37.  I don't see it at all.  I want to weigh at least 120 or less so that I can run fast and wear anything.  I do want to be healthy, but the weight just won't come off the way I keep eating.  I haven't posted progress photos because I am embarrassed and I don't have a camera.

This week, I have to look into buying a camera - I want an Olympus PEN but I'm not sure if I can afford one.  I also need to work on my knitting.  Annnnd kick my own ass at the gym several times and finally, finally, finally get back to 130 (which I have been talking about for weeks.

I made a tumblr but I'm not totally sure what to do with it yet.

I promise I am trying to be healthy.  It just doesn't seem to be working that well.  I want to be thin AND healthy but they always seem to be diametrically opposed in my life.

Fasting for myself

So I was doing really well yesterday - barely ate all day, honestly, and then I got home and my mother had baked cookies.  What do you know, I wake up this morning thinking that I could not have eaten enough to negatively impact my weight, I was so well behaved all day... WRONG.

I won't weight myself and post that weight until after I have gone to the gym, but my first morning weight was absolutely abominable and disgusting.  Today, I am legitimately fasting.  No juice or spoonfuls of peanut butter if I feel faint.  Water and tea for a little energy boost.  I can do it today - I feel determined.

My body is certainly building muscle with my new workout regimen, but is failing to shed the excess fat that could so easily drip off of my thighs, back, arms and stomach.  I want to be lithe and strong, not bulky and gross like I am now.  I want to easily slip into a pair of size 0 jeans, not question whether my thighs might fit into a 4 or 6 (though with all of the vanity sizing companies do now, I do own some 2s that fit just fine).  I want my waist to be teeny and defined and under 24 inches.  I want to be able to run a 5k in under 24 minutes.

You ladies are all so incredible.  It saddens me when I see your teeny tiny selves depressed about not being under 100 pounds or whatever makes you unhappy.  You are beautiful, I promise.

Thank you to everyone who was so encouraging about my acceptance into graduate school!

______________

I wrote the first bit of that before going to the gym this morning - I am feeling much better now.  I ran a 5k in 23.55 :)  My fastest ever, and then I worked really hard in my class.  More than 850 calories GONE.  I refuse to eat today.  I feel empowered to fast.  It's not punishment, it is to prove that I can do it and that my body needs to listen to me and stop holding on to weight it doesn't need.  I weighed 131 after the gym, which is ridiculous.  I am hoping that today's fast will really help me lose some water weight and fat.

Time to go Skype with Juan :)

Oh, and please check out Tai's vlog!  She made such a sweet Valentine's Day post!

Better day

I am feeling a bit better today.  I had predominantly liquids yesterday, but my weight is still too high.  Thus, I will shoot for the same plan today, in hopes that tomorrow it will be down further.

Breakfast was a 170 calorie smoothie of frozen strawberries, almond milk, and a few carob chips.  I'll have homemade tomato soup for lunch with spinach and a splash of almond milk.  Depending on how I feel, I may or may not skip dinner.  Regardless, I cannot exercise today, because the roads were icy this morning and my stupid foot is not at all better.  I think I will be making an appointment to see the doctor on Friday.

I spent the morning job searching, and tonight I am going to apply for several.  I need to finish up my last two applications for schools (UMDNJ/Rutgers and Tufts) and get my bum in gear.  I am not feeling very motivated right now, mainly because I feel stuck and frustrated at my current (low-paying, albeit temporary) job.  I think that once I get the ball rolling and actually apply for jobs and finish my school applications, I will feel better about life.  I really want to move out of my parents' home and into my own place, and re-start my own life.  I miss living away from home where everything is in my control and no one is going to harp on me for forgetting to clean the litterbox one day or leaving a dirty dish in the sink.

Anyway, enough of my rambling.

Much love to everyone who expressed kindness and support to me yesterday.  I really couldn't go on without you.

And one last thing, I casually mentioned to Juan, while we were Skyping, that 100 people were reading my blog now.  He knows that I started one over the summer to vent frustrations and whatnot.  Of course he asks, "Can I read it?"  and I sort of panicked!  I told him that it's basically a diary that is anonymous and I don't want anyone I know in real life to read it at all.  I then Googled various combinations of my full name/blog/blogspot/email address and luckily did not find it.  I would be really upset if he tried to find this and was successful.  He doesn't really know about my disordered brain and eating habits and he would never understand.  Particularly because I am still fat... people understand skinny people with eating problems, not people who look like me.  Ugh...

Recap

So yesterday went something like this...

Woke up, went to church with my family.  Came home, had two rice cakes with peanut butter and jam and set out on my run.  Ran 9.9 miles in the cold.  Grabbed a snack of a few almonds, dried mango slices, and a pear for the car trip to my godfather's house.  Guzzled a bottle of water.  Snacked on crudites, hummus, and a few multigrain chips and salsa, plus a glass of wine before dinner.  Ate salad, beets, carrots, tomatoes, four olives and rice pilaf for dinner.  Two glasses of wine.  One slice of my vegan bananas foster cake.  Water, tea, and water.  D

This morning...
Magically 131?!  WTF.  Additionally, I went out for another run - I was only planning on three miles, but my left foot is totally inflamed and painful, so I turned back and headed home.  UGH.  I hope that I just ate something salty enough to cause water retention gain.  I am very frustrated that even though I have upped my exercise by a lot, my weight is not good.  My 170 calorie breakfast was rice chex, unsweetened almond milk and frozen peaches.  I'm having a serving of almonds (high in calories, I know - I should shy away from those) for a snack and packing fruit salad and soup to take to work.  I need to get these numbers down.  Maybe tomorrow I'll stick to liquids only?  I don't know.  I need to do something.

And one last thing, I sort of laughed because I mentioned how amazed I was that I managed to gather 100 readers... no sooner did I speak then I lost one... oh well, c'est la vie.

Results

Finally, some results! 131.4 this morning and I did not run yesterday or today. Maybe it was just hormonal fluctuation causing my misery.

I also have a xanga, where I generally re-post my same blogs. The community of people there is a bit different, and another girl and I are racing to our next goal weights. I am trying to break 130 and she is shooting for 135. Competition is great motivation for me. I am less than two pounds away. I can do it.

I am going to see Johnny Flynn in Philadelphia. He is so scrumptiously lovely - my friend Erin thinks he's gorgeous but I simply find his voice mesmerizing.

We're going to see him tonight and beforehand I think we are stopping at a four-story Anthropologie... Not that I need to do a lot of shopping, but maybe I can get some Christmas presents a bit early.

I am trying to decide on Juan's Christmas present. I REALLY want to knit him a sweater. I know that sounds ultra cheesy, but here is the pattern I have picked out. I want to knit it in a dark charcoal or chocolate tweed. I am just trying to decide if he will like it/wear it. 

Down a bit

131.4 after my run today. I know it is lower because I went running (3.2 miles) but just seeing those numbers makes me fee so much better.

Still sipping on chai and eating toast. I think I will bring vegetable soup to work for dinner.

My mom went grocery shopping yesterday and brought home all kinds of food for me... beets (my favorite), broccoli raub, almond milk, some kind of cereal bars... is it horrible that the idea of having all of this food (and possibly letting it go to waste) overwhelms me?

Just focusing on 130. I can do it.

Rainy Day

Normally, the rain makes me a bit melancholy, but the scale read 131.6 this morning, which helps lift my mood.Juan has been acting very "boyfriendly" lately and I am not so sure what to make of it. He told me last night, "I want to take you on a date soon." I won't believe a thing until I am picking him up from the airport (if) when he comes to visit.

I still really haven't gotten back into my running regimen. Last week I ran four times, but then this week it has been really rainy. Tomorrow, I need to just lace up my kicks and go once I am finished with my pet-sitting appointment.

My friend Pauline, from France, will be here on the 3rd of September. I am planning a trip to Montreal for labor-day weekend, which should be lovely. I have to work on Saturday, but after work, Pauline and I will drive up to my brother's, just north of Albany. Then we'll all head to Montreal to sight-see Sunday/Monday. I booked us a night at Le Westin for Sunday night. I have a feeling it is going to be a great little adventure.

Rainy day thinspiration...