Better day

I am feeling a bit better today.  I had predominantly liquids yesterday, but my weight is still too high.  Thus, I will shoot for the same plan today, in hopes that tomorrow it will be down further.

Breakfast was a 170 calorie smoothie of frozen strawberries, almond milk, and a few carob chips.  I'll have homemade tomato soup for lunch with spinach and a splash of almond milk.  Depending on how I feel, I may or may not skip dinner.  Regardless, I cannot exercise today, because the roads were icy this morning and my stupid foot is not at all better.  I think I will be making an appointment to see the doctor on Friday.

I spent the morning job searching, and tonight I am going to apply for several.  I need to finish up my last two applications for schools (UMDNJ/Rutgers and Tufts) and get my bum in gear.  I am not feeling very motivated right now, mainly because I feel stuck and frustrated at my current (low-paying, albeit temporary) job.  I think that once I get the ball rolling and actually apply for jobs and finish my school applications, I will feel better about life.  I really want to move out of my parents' home and into my own place, and re-start my own life.  I miss living away from home where everything is in my control and no one is going to harp on me for forgetting to clean the litterbox one day or leaving a dirty dish in the sink.

Anyway, enough of my rambling.

Much love to everyone who expressed kindness and support to me yesterday.  I really couldn't go on without you.

And one last thing, I casually mentioned to Juan, while we were Skyping, that 100 people were reading my blog now.  He knows that I started one over the summer to vent frustrations and whatnot.  Of course he asks, "Can I read it?"  and I sort of panicked!  I told him that it's basically a diary that is anonymous and I don't want anyone I know in real life to read it at all.  I then Googled various combinations of my full name/blog/blogspot/email address and luckily did not find it.  I would be really upset if he tried to find this and was successful.  He doesn't really know about my disordered brain and eating habits and he would never understand.  Particularly because I am still fat... people understand skinny people with eating problems, not people who look like me.  Ugh...

11 comments:

Ariäna said...

Strawberry smoothies with almond milk is <3. I hope your foot gets better and there's nothing to wrong with it- any time something becomes inflamed it tends to make the rest of you feel bad. I totally feel you about wanting to move out! I hate living at home because I'm too stuck at a low-paying, yet temporary job. When you move out, everything is how YOU want it to be, including the food.

I hate it how people assume that just because a person is "normal sized" that they don't have any problems. Eating disorders comes in all shapes and sizes and you don't have to weigh 70 lbs to have one either. You already know this, I'm just stating the obvious :)

Ana Marie said...

I usually have a soy protein shake/ slush thing. Will you give me the recipe to your smoothie?

Just me. said...

I found that I could find my blog really easily on google and I'm worried my ex has been reading. I know he looked at it once while we were together and I completely snapped. Once my blog was for those people close enough that I could let in, now it's for those that guard my secrets. You maybe need to try and let Juan in though? Slowly.

I hope you're foot gets better love, not being able to exercise sucks :(
xx

Athena said...

Wow, your diet sounds really great! I hope your foot gets better so you can run again.

I always get really stressed too that someone will somehow find my blog and realise it's me. But you can change the settings so it can't be found on google, so that puts me at ease a little :)

Hope the job search goes well!

Love,

x

sofia said...

yeah, when i told someone i had an ed 20 pounds ago. they didnt believe me. oh well.
im sure juan is a lovely man, that respects you and want to be there for you. and you know that too. (: (im jusy reminding, even if you dont need it. haha.)

stay lovely. <3

bonesarepure said...

yes pelase get ur foot checked hun it will b a good idea
and im sure once u start applying u will feel much better

A Quiet Battle said...

I had a strawberry smoothie with almond milk today, too! (I add frozen spinach to it and whey protein to it, too.)

We had an icy mess here, too. I'm sure your foot could use the rest anyway. Hope it starts to feel better soon.

Lorna said...

Really glad to hear that you are feeling better...even if it is only a little. A happy mindset will hopefully make it easier for you to achieve bringing your weight down. I hope the second day of liquids worked out for you anyway.

I totally feel your pain on the lack of motivation- I had a few days where I was really pro-active and taking control but now I feel it dwindling, and I was supposed to go to college for my first week back this week but I just couldn't find it within me to go. I keep getting up early and getting ready but then I get really panicky and I just chicken out! Besides, I also have a bit of a dose of the flu and am so weak! I would love to move out too, but I actually think that living with my boyf might me worse for my intake- he plays a lot of sport and so eats a lot! If I am not eating he always asks questions! Also I tend to favour sweet things over real food so he tends to tease me about that!

Juan sounds like a really great man- you are both very lucky to have each other. I'm sure he would be understanding- he sounds like he would be, but if he knows nothing or very little of your eating habits etc your blog might be a bit of a shock for him to read and find out that way- I actually found it very easy to find mine from Google so I will have to get on to hiding it immediately!

Love x x x

Sophie said...

I totally get what you mean about people not 'believing' that you have an eating problem because you don't feel like you're skinny enough. There've been times where I've wanted to get help, or talk to someone about it, but I'm afraid they'll take one look at me and go "You? An eating disorder?! Whatever! Take a look at yourself, you're HUGE!!"
It almost feels like you have to be just a little smaller before you can tell anyone, before you're earned the right to talk about it.
Juan sounds like a keeper - congrats! :)

Sophie said...

Oh, and if you're curious as to what google search words DO lead to your blog, you can find some of them under the 'Stats' tab, if you click on the 'Traffic Sources' link. If anyone's found your blog by searching for something in google, it'll show up in there. You might find some unexpected results..!

amy said...

i hope your foot gets better soon!!
i've done the google search of my blog as well - i'm so so nervous about anybody finding it, most of all my sister who i suspect has EDNOS or some disorder coz she's lost a lot of weight recently. who knows? she could have a blog and be following me right this second! ah the paranoia.
x

 

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