I have not written in about ten days now because I honestly have nothing worthwhile to say.
My weight stable between 137-138 and not going down. I know that is my fault, so hopefully with the end of this week being incredibly busy, I will be able to lose even just a pound.
The hurricane did not have much effect here where I live - though my parents got slammed. Everything was closed for Monday and Tuesday, so it was nice to catch up on knitting and spend time with my roommates. I did manage to get in a good 4.5 mile run this evening. The first decent run I have been on since the marathon, and only now, a few hours later, is my foot aching.
Still incredibly sad about Juan. I wrote him a letter, but I am not sure if I will mail it. Perhaps sticking it in a drawer will be enough. If anyone wants to read it, I typed it up after writing, so I could post it here.
No one has purchased anything from my Etsy store yet, but I am confident it will happen soon. In fact, I am ordering some yarn for Claire, so I can list a vegan (non wool/alpaca/silk) cowl especially for her. And, I am going to knit up a pretty, warm black one for Lulu, since I know she's been freezing at work - which is a little funny to this northerner, since she lives in toasty Miami :)
I bought myself a few presents lately, mainly to try and fill the Juan void. The first was a great pair of gently used boots on eBay. While I maintain a vegan diet, one of my biggest motivations for maintaining a vegan lifestyle is for the environment. Thus, I am not morally opposed to buying used leather goods in some instances as the impact of leather on the earth is far less than petroleum products. If I can find a cruelty-free alternative, I am fine with that. Alas, non-leather boots (cloth or "pleather") just do not hold up to wintry wear and tear. These are a great pair and I even weather-proofed them, so they can get me through the winter. Then, I had a bit of a splurge and decided I need a vacation. I still have a few good friends in San Diego, so I decided to take a long weekend to SD in January. The tickets were under $400, which is pretty reasonable, especially just after the holidays. It was a bit out of my normal budget, but I will spread it over two or three months on my credit card and soak up all of the sunshine I can while I am there to make it worth while. Finally, I have been thinking I should replace the jewelry that Juan gave me. I have two rings from Etsy and a lovely Tiffany's necklace. Lest you think I am a) made of money or b) totally crazy with no sense of finances, I did not replace all at once. I bought a lovely handcrafted necklace that I can wear every day and never feel the need to replace. It will be just like the one in the photo, except with a tiny rough sapphire (my birth stone). It is a bit extravagant, purchasing all of that on top of my normal expenses, but maybe it will make me feel better.
Sometime in the near-ish future, I hope to replace my perfume too. I am thinking of selling my nearly-full bottle of D&G La Lune and replacing it with Hermes Eau Claire des Merveilles. Truthfully, I love the perfume I wear, but Juan gave me my last bottle as a gift, and I know its the perfume he loves. Maybe changing would be good, right? The Eau Claire is a bit sophisticated and luxurious smelling, but still youthful. Unfortunately, it is also more expensive, and I absolutely cannot justify it right now. Especially not with Christmas around the corner and my Etsy store having not sold a thing. So for now, I will just get a little sample of it each time I browse a Sephora.
Goodness, I hope that doesn't sound like I am trying to brag about what I purchased. That is not my intention, I simply do not have much else happening in my life except packages arriving in the mail every so often.
Anyway, things are sort of quiet here. My heart is very hurt and lonely and in the back of my mind I have this kernel of hope that is wishing for him to call. I do understand that he is finished. Really, I do. It is just very hard. I know that all that I am is not tied to him, but I feel kind of like nothing - not pretty or desirable or kind enough or smart enough or whatever...
Showing posts with label 137. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 137. Show all posts
Hanging in there
Thanks for the love, ladies.
Still just incredibly sad about Juan. Trying to stay distracted.
Losing a little at a time, but I still can't run. I ran yesterday morning and the tendonitis in my feet is back (left arch, right out-step). Down to 137.5ish but it should have been 127.5ish ages ago.
I just ate a cupcake for lunch. Do not even try to ask me how I rationalized that.
Coffee and a salad today, maybe yoga later to de-stress.
Sorry for being absent, I'm just moping.
Still just incredibly sad about Juan. Trying to stay distracted.
Losing a little at a time, but I still can't run. I ran yesterday morning and the tendonitis in my feet is back (left arch, right out-step). Down to 137.5ish but it should have been 127.5ish ages ago.
I just ate a cupcake for lunch. Do not even try to ask me how I rationalized that.
Coffee and a salad today, maybe yoga later to de-stress.
Sorry for being absent, I'm just moping.
A set back
Where to begin?
As anyone who has read this blog with any regularity knows, my life this summer has been a tad bit busy. I apologize for not updating more regularly, and more importantly, not commenting regularly. We are all in this together, encouraging those who need encouraging (particularly toward recovery) and giving love to those who need that too (no matter what sort of place they are in).
My weight right now is somewhat stable, but unfortunately it is not going down. I know this is my own fault, as I have been eating enough to maintain (i.e. eating like a normal person, even mores, since this marathon training makes me so hungry!). I hope that when I am done with this race, I will have the common sense and willpower, and decreased appetite to NOT continue eating like this, and with any luck, the weight will melt off more quickly thank usual.
Right now, in fact, I am laid up with an injury - tendinitis in my lower leg that began on Wednesday. I took two solid days off, rester, wrapped, and iced, but yesterday I only got about a mile before it hurt again. I am resting again today with hopes to run 3 miles tomorrow. I was supposed to run 13.1 this morning and am supposed to run 20 next Sunday. Hopefully, this is just a fluke and will go away quickly. I really want to be able to finish my training and run this race.
I worked extra hours this week and even with the rest days I have been quite tired. I woke up with a headache this morning and it has yet to go away, even with a brief nap. Fortunately, I did not waste my entire Sunday - I went to Trader Joe's and the asian grocery store (the BEST place for cheap produce) to stock up on my usual things (predominately produce - lots of stone fruits and melons in season right now- lettuce, cucumbers, kale, tofu, ya know, my standard low-cal vegan staples), managed to wash all of my bedding, and bake a birthday cake for my roommate who comes home tomorrow (I don't think I'll even have any, I don't want all of that sugar - if I do, a small slice, half-eaten will suffice). Tonight, I have to do some work for my research assistantship and do some knitting.
Oh, in knitting news, I finished that cute yellow sweater I mentioned at some point. I just need to get a decent photo of it. I knit a moebius cowl for Jéanne that made its journey all the way to South Africa. Then, I knit some surprises for Peri, and just mailed them off to New Zealand yesterday (I cannot tell what they are yet, she has not seen them! With any luck, she'll take some photos or feature them in a vlog). With the leftover yarn from Lulu's daughter's tank top, I am knitting another one of the same sweaters for another friend of mine who has a daughter who is one-and-a-half. I started a pair of socks for my grandmother for her 80th birthday at the beginning of September and I am also working on a wrap for my brother's fiancee for their wedding in November. I want to get that all finished up so I can purchase yarn for a sweater for myself around my birthday next month.
Not sure if I have anything else to report on - my life is busy but not very exciting. All of this training has left little time for worrying about the numbers on the scale and what I look like, fortunately. I doubt the attitude will stick, but we can hope. I am still hoping that even during the training this month I will lose some weight. I am going to work hard on drinking protein smoothies for breakfast, preparing salads with extra protein for my dinner every night this week, getting my carbs during lunch and NOT snacking - it actually should not be too difficult, since I start babysitting again in the mornings and will be running around from place to place. I am honestly so tired of being at this weight, after having spent the last year five pounds less, and the first two months of the year hovering around 130. I wanted to be 125 so long ago and have clearly not been dedicated enough to the cause. Losing weight while marathon training is difficult and not terribly safe if you're not overweight, so I doubt much will happen until after September 30th. After that, I think I will take a small break from running (and possibly eating) for a while. We'll see.
It is incredibly strange to me, that if you (reading) were here in my every day life to witness how I eat and act, you would almost never know that I am so hung up on how heavy I am each day, how I scrutinize myself in the mirror every morning, and how I think so critically about every bit of food I eat, even if I continue to eat like a normal person. How can all of this be in my head and not really show on the outside? Sometimes I wish it would just take over and show on the outside a bit (or a lot). I don't really know why. Maybe because then I would actually be letting that part of my psyche take over and get something accomplished? That does not sound very rational... who knows.
As anyone who has read this blog with any regularity knows, my life this summer has been a tad bit busy. I apologize for not updating more regularly, and more importantly, not commenting regularly. We are all in this together, encouraging those who need encouraging (particularly toward recovery) and giving love to those who need that too (no matter what sort of place they are in).
My weight right now is somewhat stable, but unfortunately it is not going down. I know this is my own fault, as I have been eating enough to maintain (i.e. eating like a normal person, even mores, since this marathon training makes me so hungry!). I hope that when I am done with this race, I will have the common sense and willpower, and decreased appetite to NOT continue eating like this, and with any luck, the weight will melt off more quickly thank usual.
Right now, in fact, I am laid up with an injury - tendinitis in my lower leg that began on Wednesday. I took two solid days off, rester, wrapped, and iced, but yesterday I only got about a mile before it hurt again. I am resting again today with hopes to run 3 miles tomorrow. I was supposed to run 13.1 this morning and am supposed to run 20 next Sunday. Hopefully, this is just a fluke and will go away quickly. I really want to be able to finish my training and run this race.
I worked extra hours this week and even with the rest days I have been quite tired. I woke up with a headache this morning and it has yet to go away, even with a brief nap. Fortunately, I did not waste my entire Sunday - I went to Trader Joe's and the asian grocery store (the BEST place for cheap produce) to stock up on my usual things (predominately produce - lots of stone fruits and melons in season right now- lettuce, cucumbers, kale, tofu, ya know, my standard low-cal vegan staples), managed to wash all of my bedding, and bake a birthday cake for my roommate who comes home tomorrow (I don't think I'll even have any, I don't want all of that sugar - if I do, a small slice, half-eaten will suffice). Tonight, I have to do some work for my research assistantship and do some knitting.
Oh, in knitting news, I finished that cute yellow sweater I mentioned at some point. I just need to get a decent photo of it. I knit a moebius cowl for Jéanne that made its journey all the way to South Africa. Then, I knit some surprises for Peri, and just mailed them off to New Zealand yesterday (I cannot tell what they are yet, she has not seen them! With any luck, she'll take some photos or feature them in a vlog). With the leftover yarn from Lulu's daughter's tank top, I am knitting another one of the same sweaters for another friend of mine who has a daughter who is one-and-a-half. I started a pair of socks for my grandmother for her 80th birthday at the beginning of September and I am also working on a wrap for my brother's fiancee for their wedding in November. I want to get that all finished up so I can purchase yarn for a sweater for myself around my birthday next month.
Not sure if I have anything else to report on - my life is busy but not very exciting. All of this training has left little time for worrying about the numbers on the scale and what I look like, fortunately. I doubt the attitude will stick, but we can hope. I am still hoping that even during the training this month I will lose some weight. I am going to work hard on drinking protein smoothies for breakfast, preparing salads with extra protein for my dinner every night this week, getting my carbs during lunch and NOT snacking - it actually should not be too difficult, since I start babysitting again in the mornings and will be running around from place to place. I am honestly so tired of being at this weight, after having spent the last year five pounds less, and the first two months of the year hovering around 130. I wanted to be 125 so long ago and have clearly not been dedicated enough to the cause. Losing weight while marathon training is difficult and not terribly safe if you're not overweight, so I doubt much will happen until after September 30th. After that, I think I will take a small break from running (and possibly eating) for a while. We'll see.
It is incredibly strange to me, that if you (reading) were here in my every day life to witness how I eat and act, you would almost never know that I am so hung up on how heavy I am each day, how I scrutinize myself in the mirror every morning, and how I think so critically about every bit of food I eat, even if I continue to eat like a normal person. How can all of this be in my head and not really show on the outside? Sometimes I wish it would just take over and show on the outside a bit (or a lot). I don't really know why. Maybe because then I would actually be letting that part of my psyche take over and get something accomplished? That does not sound very rational... who knows.
A little proud
Hot damn, I ran 18 miles yesterday. I did not die, and the scale is down a few pounds (enough to make me not so psychotic about it) AND I actually get to eat.
I think I am still high on endorphins.
This weekend I only have to do 13.1 as my long run, but next weekend I have 20 on the schedule.
Running like a crazy person is surprisingly empowering and kind of making me feel ok about my body sometimes.
I think I am still high on endorphins.
This weekend I only have to do 13.1 as my long run, but next weekend I have 20 on the schedule.
Running like a crazy person is surprisingly empowering and kind of making me feel ok about my body sometimes.
It's Monday and I am already looking forward to the weekend
Completed my third week of training. Apparently, I am eating like a ravenous wild animal, because I am stuck between 137-138 each day (before my run, 135ish after). I spent the past year around 134 or less, and the notion of carrying around even four or five extra pounds above an "ok" weight makes me batty. I wish I could snap my fingers and be 125 tomorrow morning. Even though the rational part of my brain knows that would not truly make me happy, the irrational bits think it would be a life-changing miracle.
At least I had two good runs in cooler weather this weekend - I flew through six miles on Saturday (49 minutes, much faster than I ever run and without someone to pace me, too - though much slower than competitive runners, obviously) and twelve miles at a nine-min/mile pace yesterday. This morning I had to run another six, but I ended up running five and walking the last mile or so. My left hamstring was so tight and my legs were just tired.
I also finished the sweater I mentioned last time. It is currently blocking, hoping to fix some funky fit issues. If it looks cute and I manage to get back down under 134, I will put up a photo.
I have a short week this week, as I am working today and tomorrow, attending the International AIDS conference in Washington for most of the day, Wednesday, and then working Thursday morning and heading home for a long weekend filled with visiting and errands.
Thank you for all of the well-wishes for my mom. She's been feeling ok, except for eye pain and headaches. Hopefully, the doctors will be able to get that under better control soon. My nana (she is turning 94 this weekend and lives with my parents) went to the emergency room last week with chest pain, and it turns out she has pneumonia. Luckily, she is responding well to the antibiotics and recovering well. I am looking forward to going home for a few days to see my parents, celebrate my nana's birthday, and hopefully see my best friends.
Oh, and the strangest thing happened this weekend. Just a quick little bit of background information - Juan and I have been in contact pretty frequently lately. Last weekend, he emailed me and said, "I feel like we haven't talked in forever, can we please Skype this week." So, we Skyped on Monday and Wednesday. Thursday night, (or Friday? I can't remember exactly) he called me from work (a pleasant surprise). Then, Sunday morning, I woke up to his friend-request on Facebook. Juan does not like nor does he use Facebook with any regularity and we haven't been friends on it in ages. I thought it was kind of cute, responded yes, quickly looked at his profile, and went for a run. I got back from my run, went to look at his profile again and it said the page could not be found. I assumed he deleted/deactivated his account, but when my friend went to look at it, she could see it. So, I guess he friended me and then blocked me?? It makes me laugh, since it's really ridiculous and I still have not received an explanation. Honestly, it makes no difference, but I am very curious. Maybe I will get to talk to him today and he can provide an explanation. Strange, right?
Hope everyone had a good weekend. My goal this week is to be 136 by Thursday, when I leave to go home for the weekend, and not gain anything while I am home. I need to get my diet under control and figure out a balance of having energy to run 6-8-10+ miles every morning and lose weight at the same time. You would think it would be easy, but the methods I typically use to lose weight leave me energy-less, and that is impossible for this training regimen. Why can't I just be normal and not care?? Or eat normally and not gain weight and just lose like a normal person??
At least I had two good runs in cooler weather this weekend - I flew through six miles on Saturday (49 minutes, much faster than I ever run and without someone to pace me, too - though much slower than competitive runners, obviously) and twelve miles at a nine-min/mile pace yesterday. This morning I had to run another six, but I ended up running five and walking the last mile or so. My left hamstring was so tight and my legs were just tired.
I also finished the sweater I mentioned last time. It is currently blocking, hoping to fix some funky fit issues. If it looks cute and I manage to get back down under 134, I will put up a photo.
I have a short week this week, as I am working today and tomorrow, attending the International AIDS conference in Washington for most of the day, Wednesday, and then working Thursday morning and heading home for a long weekend filled with visiting and errands.
Thank you for all of the well-wishes for my mom. She's been feeling ok, except for eye pain and headaches. Hopefully, the doctors will be able to get that under better control soon. My nana (she is turning 94 this weekend and lives with my parents) went to the emergency room last week with chest pain, and it turns out she has pneumonia. Luckily, she is responding well to the antibiotics and recovering well. I am looking forward to going home for a few days to see my parents, celebrate my nana's birthday, and hopefully see my best friends.
Oh, and the strangest thing happened this weekend. Just a quick little bit of background information - Juan and I have been in contact pretty frequently lately. Last weekend, he emailed me and said, "I feel like we haven't talked in forever, can we please Skype this week." So, we Skyped on Monday and Wednesday. Thursday night, (or Friday? I can't remember exactly) he called me from work (a pleasant surprise). Then, Sunday morning, I woke up to his friend-request on Facebook. Juan does not like nor does he use Facebook with any regularity and we haven't been friends on it in ages. I thought it was kind of cute, responded yes, quickly looked at his profile, and went for a run. I got back from my run, went to look at his profile again and it said the page could not be found. I assumed he deleted/deactivated his account, but when my friend went to look at it, she could see it. So, I guess he friended me and then blocked me?? It makes me laugh, since it's really ridiculous and I still have not received an explanation. Honestly, it makes no difference, but I am very curious. Maybe I will get to talk to him today and he can provide an explanation. Strange, right?
Hope everyone had a good weekend. My goal this week is to be 136 by Thursday, when I leave to go home for the weekend, and not gain anything while I am home. I need to get my diet under control and figure out a balance of having energy to run 6-8-10+ miles every morning and lose weight at the same time. You would think it would be easy, but the methods I typically use to lose weight leave me energy-less, and that is impossible for this training regimen. Why can't I just be normal and not care?? Or eat normally and not gain weight and just lose like a normal person??
Marathon Week 2
I apologize for only getting around to posting tonight. Honestly, I have been working a lot, between my four jobs, and have just been very tired since adding in this crazy running regimen.
Today, I woke up around four-thirty and was out the door by five in order to get in my fourteen miles. This is the furthest I have ever run in my life, seeing as prior to today, the longest run I had completed was my half-marathon last September (13.1 miles). I was very nervous about having enough water, my knees hurting, being alone for all that time, and a million other things, but honestly, it was great. I was a bit slow for the first five miles, and between five and seven, I had terrible stomach cramps. Then, I saw my turn-around point, and felt so relieved! I ate my gel, took a big drink of water, and actually picked up the pace for the second half of the run, managing to finish in 2:11:34, which is pretty respectable, I think. I went to bed after taking my shower, and slept another four hours. Amazingly, I have not felt guilty about eating in the slightest today (that run burned approximately 1300 calories), so hopefully tomorrow I will not have gained.
Other than running, I am making progress on a sweater I am knitting. I am excited to be finished and wear it. It's a little yellow blouse-type sweater. Maybe I'll get some photos when I finish it. I have some other projects I need to work on, including something I promised Peri ages ago, and something for Jeanne, since she sent my adorable slippers and mitts once-upon-a-time.
Unfortunately, even though the week was very busy, I did not manage to escape unscathed from some more bad news. This week, my mom was diagnosed with MS. Truly, my knowledge of MS is limited, and I think I am in denial about it. They originally thought she might have a tumor deep inside her brain, which would have been inoperable, so in comparison to that, it seems like a blessing. But, I know that while people with MS typically live quite healthily most of the time, when they get sick and sicker, it can be terrible. I am not entirely sure how to handle it, but I am going home to my parents' house on the 26th and am just looking forward to hugging my mom. I need to read up about dietary changes and alternative therapies so we can have all sorts of tools in our arsenal.
Even with all of this training, I am feeling much too heavy. I don't think I have gained "real" weight, but perhaps a combination of my muscles being sore and retaining water, gaining muscle mass, and trying to stay hydrated is leaving my around 137 each morning. I just wish, wish, wish I could wake up and see 127. I know it obvious involves a lot of hard work and dedication to lose weight, and I am capable of it, but it seems not to happen. I never thought, after this winter, that I would be this heavy again.
Thank you to everyone who left me such sweet comments on my last few posts. I really appreciate all of your kind words, encouragement, and support.
Oh, I meant to share this before I hit publish, I wish I felt this way and believed these things - a truly beautiful message:
Today, I woke up around four-thirty and was out the door by five in order to get in my fourteen miles. This is the furthest I have ever run in my life, seeing as prior to today, the longest run I had completed was my half-marathon last September (13.1 miles). I was very nervous about having enough water, my knees hurting, being alone for all that time, and a million other things, but honestly, it was great. I was a bit slow for the first five miles, and between five and seven, I had terrible stomach cramps. Then, I saw my turn-around point, and felt so relieved! I ate my gel, took a big drink of water, and actually picked up the pace for the second half of the run, managing to finish in 2:11:34, which is pretty respectable, I think. I went to bed after taking my shower, and slept another four hours. Amazingly, I have not felt guilty about eating in the slightest today (that run burned approximately 1300 calories), so hopefully tomorrow I will not have gained.
Other than running, I am making progress on a sweater I am knitting. I am excited to be finished and wear it. It's a little yellow blouse-type sweater. Maybe I'll get some photos when I finish it. I have some other projects I need to work on, including something I promised Peri ages ago, and something for Jeanne, since she sent my adorable slippers and mitts once-upon-a-time.
Unfortunately, even though the week was very busy, I did not manage to escape unscathed from some more bad news. This week, my mom was diagnosed with MS. Truly, my knowledge of MS is limited, and I think I am in denial about it. They originally thought she might have a tumor deep inside her brain, which would have been inoperable, so in comparison to that, it seems like a blessing. But, I know that while people with MS typically live quite healthily most of the time, when they get sick and sicker, it can be terrible. I am not entirely sure how to handle it, but I am going home to my parents' house on the 26th and am just looking forward to hugging my mom. I need to read up about dietary changes and alternative therapies so we can have all sorts of tools in our arsenal.
Even with all of this training, I am feeling much too heavy. I don't think I have gained "real" weight, but perhaps a combination of my muscles being sore and retaining water, gaining muscle mass, and trying to stay hydrated is leaving my around 137 each morning. I just wish, wish, wish I could wake up and see 127. I know it obvious involves a lot of hard work and dedication to lose weight, and I am capable of it, but it seems not to happen. I never thought, after this winter, that I would be this heavy again.
Thank you to everyone who left me such sweet comments on my last few posts. I really appreciate all of your kind words, encouragement, and support.
Oh, I meant to share this before I hit publish, I wish I felt this way and believed these things - a truly beautiful message:
Finally, a decent explanation
Time for the full story...
So last Monday, it was clear that Juan was actually on a plane, and actually coming to see me. I was on-edge all day, but I went for a run in the morning, put on a pretty dress, babysat, drank lots of coffee, put in a few hours at the law firm, and headed to the airport to get him around six in the evening. When I was standing at the airport, I wavered between excitement, nervousness/nausea, and wanting to run away. Honestly, I must have been an awful shade of pale green when he finally laid eyes on me, because I honestly felt like I would pass out.
The rest of the week was surprisingly easy, fun, and peaceful. I had cooked all weekend in preparation, so we had tamales and other treats. I tried my best to stay under control, but I also try to act normal around Juan - this results in a 3-4 pound gain every time we have a visit.
We did a lot of sight seeing, walking, restaurant dining, wine drinking, and making love over the next four days. We celebrated his birthday with sushi. We had a dance party in my apartment.
I told him he needed to talk about his feelings. He said he came to see if things between us were truly different when we were in the same place, and confirmed that they definitely are. I suppose he needs to decide if he can work at this long-distance love for another 11 months until I graduate. I have already waited so long, that honestly, I am fine with waiting some more. It seems like he is leaning toward trying to put us back together. I know that being a couple is hard for him - he is fiercely independent, unlike me. But I also know that regardless of what he says, he can never truly let me go and I am quite certain he has not stopped loving me (though he is unaware of this fact) just as I have not stopped loving him.
Hopefully, we will just continue to repair and rebuild things and continue on. He is fully aware that I would never move to California without us being married, so he has to deal with some serious commitment issues. And its not like I do not have any improvements to make. I need to demand a bit less of the things that are not in his nature, and learn to just relax.
In other news, my weekend, after tearfully saying goodbye at the airport, was entirely too dramatic. I have not dealt with nonsense of this variety since I was probably 14.
Last summer, a friend of mine who I have known for a few years, asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this July. I excitedly accepted and have tried to fill my bridesmaid role to the best of my ability. As most of you know, 2012 has literally been the worst year of my life - Juan broke up with me, school and work combined were becoming a bit much, my school funding was completely messed up, and then my dearest friend went missing at the end of April (she has still not returned, please keep praying). As a result, I will fully admit that I have not been at my friend's side for all of the details of this wedding. I was home a few weeks before the shower in May, and organized a lovely group gift with my two best girlfriends from home (one of whom is the maid of honor). Pauline went missing, and I decided I honestly could not go to the shower. I was an emotional wreck and wanted to be prepared to leave the country on short notice. At this point, I was barely speaking to anyone, and I sent the bride a text message with my regrets (she full-well knew what was going on). Fast-forward a few days, and she called me to confront me about not telling her that I was not attending via telephone. She said she was very hurt and that everyone she mentioned it to agreed with her. As you can imagine, I thought she was totally out of line and completely un-empathetic to my life, but I apologized and swallowed my pride. I even sent her a note in the mail to smooth things over and everything seemed great.
A few weeks after that, I start hearing buzz about the bachelorette party. Originally, we had talked about a spa day at her hour, with plans to hire a masseuse and someone to do pedicures, as well as cook lovely food and provide plenty of bubbly - a nice, low-key affair. Well, one of the other four bridesmaids (a friend of the bride's from boarding school) suggested a weekend of wine tasting. Essentially, this bachelorette weekend has turned into an expensive, couples thing. She and her fiancé are attending, as are her parents, and in total, 15 people. While I would love to go, in all, between driving up to NJ, then to NY, two nights in a hotel, wine tastings, food all weekend, and missing work, I estimate the weekend would cost me near $500-$600. Clearly, for someone living on student loans, this is not possible. Weeks ago, the last time I was home, I let the bride know I would not be able to attend. She was disappointed, but said she understood.
About two weeks ago, I found out that the bride has mentioned to her boarding-school friend, who had told the maid of honor, that she was disappointed that she received no lingerie at her shower. My first thought was that this was kind of petty and ungrateful, considering she had a very fancy shower and I am quite certain she received all sorts of lovely gifts. Whatever, I thought, I'll try and organize something. Meanwhile, I purchased two nice bottles of Sofia Coppola sparkling wine to send up to the bachelorette weekend as a surprise, in an attempt to make up for my absence. Early the week before Juan arrived, I emailed the other bridesmaids saying that I had seen some really nice pieces on a website that I liked and there was a coupon available - would everyone like to pitch in so we could afford something quite nice? Here are the emails that ensued between me and the boarding school girl...
"I heard we were thinking about getting some lingerie for K as a gift for the bachelorette party. One of the blogs I read, has a coupon good through this weekend for Eberjey. Their lingerie is really beautiful in person and VERY soft (I've seen it at Anthro). I was thinking these might be good options, and with 20% and between the four of us, very reasonably priced:
So last Monday, it was clear that Juan was actually on a plane, and actually coming to see me. I was on-edge all day, but I went for a run in the morning, put on a pretty dress, babysat, drank lots of coffee, put in a few hours at the law firm, and headed to the airport to get him around six in the evening. When I was standing at the airport, I wavered between excitement, nervousness/nausea, and wanting to run away. Honestly, I must have been an awful shade of pale green when he finally laid eyes on me, because I honestly felt like I would pass out.
The rest of the week was surprisingly easy, fun, and peaceful. I had cooked all weekend in preparation, so we had tamales and other treats. I tried my best to stay under control, but I also try to act normal around Juan - this results in a 3-4 pound gain every time we have a visit.
We did a lot of sight seeing, walking, restaurant dining, wine drinking, and making love over the next four days. We celebrated his birthday with sushi. We had a dance party in my apartment.
I told him he needed to talk about his feelings. He said he came to see if things between us were truly different when we were in the same place, and confirmed that they definitely are. I suppose he needs to decide if he can work at this long-distance love for another 11 months until I graduate. I have already waited so long, that honestly, I am fine with waiting some more. It seems like he is leaning toward trying to put us back together. I know that being a couple is hard for him - he is fiercely independent, unlike me. But I also know that regardless of what he says, he can never truly let me go and I am quite certain he has not stopped loving me (though he is unaware of this fact) just as I have not stopped loving him.
Hopefully, we will just continue to repair and rebuild things and continue on. He is fully aware that I would never move to California without us being married, so he has to deal with some serious commitment issues. And its not like I do not have any improvements to make. I need to demand a bit less of the things that are not in his nature, and learn to just relax.
In other news, my weekend, after tearfully saying goodbye at the airport, was entirely too dramatic. I have not dealt with nonsense of this variety since I was probably 14.
Last summer, a friend of mine who I have known for a few years, asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this July. I excitedly accepted and have tried to fill my bridesmaid role to the best of my ability. As most of you know, 2012 has literally been the worst year of my life - Juan broke up with me, school and work combined were becoming a bit much, my school funding was completely messed up, and then my dearest friend went missing at the end of April (she has still not returned, please keep praying). As a result, I will fully admit that I have not been at my friend's side for all of the details of this wedding. I was home a few weeks before the shower in May, and organized a lovely group gift with my two best girlfriends from home (one of whom is the maid of honor). Pauline went missing, and I decided I honestly could not go to the shower. I was an emotional wreck and wanted to be prepared to leave the country on short notice. At this point, I was barely speaking to anyone, and I sent the bride a text message with my regrets (she full-well knew what was going on). Fast-forward a few days, and she called me to confront me about not telling her that I was not attending via telephone. She said she was very hurt and that everyone she mentioned it to agreed with her. As you can imagine, I thought she was totally out of line and completely un-empathetic to my life, but I apologized and swallowed my pride. I even sent her a note in the mail to smooth things over and everything seemed great.
A few weeks after that, I start hearing buzz about the bachelorette party. Originally, we had talked about a spa day at her hour, with plans to hire a masseuse and someone to do pedicures, as well as cook lovely food and provide plenty of bubbly - a nice, low-key affair. Well, one of the other four bridesmaids (a friend of the bride's from boarding school) suggested a weekend of wine tasting. Essentially, this bachelorette weekend has turned into an expensive, couples thing. She and her fiancé are attending, as are her parents, and in total, 15 people. While I would love to go, in all, between driving up to NJ, then to NY, two nights in a hotel, wine tastings, food all weekend, and missing work, I estimate the weekend would cost me near $500-$600. Clearly, for someone living on student loans, this is not possible. Weeks ago, the last time I was home, I let the bride know I would not be able to attend. She was disappointed, but said she understood.
About two weeks ago, I found out that the bride has mentioned to her boarding-school friend, who had told the maid of honor, that she was disappointed that she received no lingerie at her shower. My first thought was that this was kind of petty and ungrateful, considering she had a very fancy shower and I am quite certain she received all sorts of lovely gifts. Whatever, I thought, I'll try and organize something. Meanwhile, I purchased two nice bottles of Sofia Coppola sparkling wine to send up to the bachelorette weekend as a surprise, in an attempt to make up for my absence. Early the week before Juan arrived, I emailed the other bridesmaids saying that I had seen some really nice pieces on a website that I liked and there was a coupon available - would everyone like to pitch in so we could afford something quite nice? Here are the emails that ensued between me and the boarding school girl...
"I heard we were thinking about getting some lingerie for K as a gift for the bachelorette party. One of the blogs I read, has a coupon good through this weekend for Eberjey. Their lingerie is really beautiful in person and VERY soft (I've seen it at Anthro). I was thinking these might be good options, and with 20% and between the four of us, very reasonably priced:
http://www.eberjey.com/intimate/chemises/gisele-chemise.html
Any thoughts?
Oh, and since I am unfortunately unable to come to the bachelorette weekend, I got a little something to send along - two bottles of the Sofia Coppola sparkling wine for you all to share with Miss K while you're away! It's the least I could do, and I'll give them to Danielle this weekend.
-Sarah"
"Sounds good, but in the past, girls tend to each bring their own piece for the bride instead of just one. That way she has a good variety for the honeymoon."
"Maybe I'm mis-informed, but from the bachelorette parities I've been to, no serious gifts were ever given. From what I've read and attended, gifts at bachelorette parities are typically of the "gag" variety and are more for novelty and giggles than serious, luxurious gifts. Does anyone know if this is typically not the case? Maybe I just don't know.
I obviously want this to be a special time for K, but it seems like we are giving a lot of gifts (engagement, shower, bachelorette party, wedding). Which, when added to the expenses of actually being in the wedding (which as a bridesmaid, I was fully prepared for, and understand completely) it seems to be a lot. If everyone doesn't want to get something as a group, then I guess we should leave it up to individuals to decide whether or not they want to purchase a piece of lingerie and not make this feel obligatory.
I feel curmudgeonly bringing this up, but I think this concern needs to be voiced."
"Everything is personal preference. For me, K is an amazing friend who goes above and beyond to make every one of my wedding events special. She has mentioned to me more than once that she hasn't gotten any lingerie pieces, so I personally am going to make sure she gets more than one piece.
I personally don't see it as a hardship to do something for K that I know she'd do for me. Is it expensive? Sure. Does it make spending tight? Of course it does. But is seeing the joy on her face worth it? 100%. If you can't do it, then don't, but frankly you haven't been around much to hear what she's been looking for and would appreciate. So yeah, you're bringing up a point but missing the idea that it doesn't have to cost a million. Walmart, Target, Macys, etc... all have very affordable and beautiful items for lingerie. Doesn't have to be La Perla to be wonderful."
"Of course I want to do special things for K, she is a great friend to me and I want her to be very happy. Yes, I am not home much, I am in school and working full time, as well as having some serious personal issues in my life that haven't allowed me to travel. Beyond that I am living on student loans, which makes spending more than "tight" and I have a hard time gauging what exactly K is expecting from us, because she doesn't usually come off as a Target kind of girl. Not that that is a bad thing, I just know that she likes nice things and I don't want her to be disappointed with something she thinks isn't nice or that we didn't try hard enough (that's not very articulate, but I hope you get the point). So for me, sharing the cost of something is the most doable way to do it. In understand if other people don't want to do that.
Maybe I just find all of the ins-and-outs of weddings/etiquette/traditions very confusing and complicated?
So to wrap this up, I guess, its up to everyone to decide what they'd like to do, we don't have to go in on a group gift."
"I'm pretty sure at the bridal shower you were the one to tell me a group gift was not necessary. So I'm sorry for my confusion and lack of understanding now. There are plenty of cost effective places to buy lingerie and I'm sure K wouldn't be disappointed with anything that came with effort and heart.
Just an FYI, Macy's has some beautiful things that are in the $30-50 range. Not expensive at all but beautiful and they have weekly promotions for 20% off in addition to the sale. "
Ok, so that seems relatively tame, no? I was frank, but not rude, and I don't think I said anything bad about the bride, who is my friend.
On Friday night, I was supposed to get together with the bride, and two best girlfriends (one of whom is the maid of honor). The bride canceled out plans, so the rest of us planned to get together on Saturday morning instead. I meet my friends at the coffee shop, and give the maid of honor the sparkling wine and ask her if she has my dress. She proceeds to tell me (very gently, seeing as she is one of the kindest people in the world) that I have been booted from the wedding party. Initially, it is because K needs a bridesmaid who is more "present" (whatever that means). I am obviously very hurt, especially that a. the bride did not bother to deliver this news herself, and b. she did not even try to discuss it with me, or frame it in a kind way.
Needless to say, I come to find out through the maid of honor (God bless her wonderful heart), that K initially wanted her mother (a scary lady!) to deliver the news AND the real reason is because the boarding school friend showed her some kind of edited version of those emails! I gather she wanted to keep the present a surprise, so she must have showed all of the worse parts out of context and completely sabotaged me. I did not think that people in their mid-twenties had the capacity to act like this! I do not even know this girl, and while I have not been the most serving bridesmaid, why would she want to do such a thing? Furthermore, I STILL have not heard a thing from the bride, now five days later.
I am giving her until the RSVP date to try and contact me. Otherwise, I will decline the invitation, write a letter to explain myself and defend my character, and end our friendship. I know all of this terrible chatter about how awful I am is going on behind my back, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I just have to wait until she decides to talk to me. And, I can just imagine that she is expecting me to grovel to her and apologize and beg to be in the wedding. The whole thing just makes me crazy! I was trying to organize a beautiful gift for her, how is that interpreted as being a bad person???
Anyway, bravo if you bothered to read all of that dramatic nonsense. I hope some resolution develops soon, because I hate being stressed over this.
As for my weight, I was just under 137 this morning - horrific. I am not more determined than ever, to get back down under 130, because if I end up attending this wedding, I need to be in top form. Under 125 would be preferable, but it is only four weeks away. I am going to begin my marathon training the first of July, however, and the heat makes my appetite disappear. Plus, my mother has been harping about how she thinks I spend too much money on food (in my defense, I bought a ton of groceries for Juan, and food here is just more expensive than back home). In all, I have a bunch of reasons not to eat.
I hope everyone else is having a much easier time, though I know the troubles in my life are pretty frivolous.
So much to say
Somehow managed to get kicked out of the wedding I was supposed to be in on July 27th.
Too much running around and driving and eating all weekend. I am totally fat and run-down.
I promise I will write something worthwhile with lot of details this week.
Thinking of you, Mich.
Much love to my faithful few... You know who you are.
And Dani, welcome back. You will beat this.
Busy
Still hovering around 137. Ridiculous.
Ran four miles Saturday, six on Sunday, and four more this morning. I need to budget my time a bit better, get my bum out of bed before 7:30 and up my mileage.
I think only have breakfast, a snack, and coffee sounds like a great idea for today. If I keep that up, I'll be 135 by the end of the week.
I have a ton of schoolwork to get done in the next few days (10-15 page SINGLE-SPACED report on health in Lebanon, biostatistics homework from three chapters, reading/study guides/quiz/case study for epidemiology) since I am going home on Saturday morning. That also means, I need to run tomorrow afternoon, Thursday/Friday mornings, Sunday morning, and possibly Monday afternoon if I can squeeze it in.
I am so tired of being fat.
I cried most of the day on Saturday because I am so large. I cried in the shower yesterday as I grabbed the excess flesh on my stomach and thighs. I need to be under 120 pounds. I keep saying it, but I'm not doing anything - which is extra pathetic, because this time last year, I was quickly creeping down to 128.
Ran four miles Saturday, six on Sunday, and four more this morning. I need to budget my time a bit better, get my bum out of bed before 7:30 and up my mileage.
I think only have breakfast, a snack, and coffee sounds like a great idea for today. If I keep that up, I'll be 135 by the end of the week.
I have a ton of schoolwork to get done in the next few days (10-15 page SINGLE-SPACED report on health in Lebanon, biostatistics homework from three chapters, reading/study guides/quiz/case study for epidemiology) since I am going home on Saturday morning. That also means, I need to run tomorrow afternoon, Thursday/Friday mornings, Sunday morning, and possibly Monday afternoon if I can squeeze it in.
I am so tired of being fat.
I cried most of the day on Saturday because I am so large. I cried in the shower yesterday as I grabbed the excess flesh on my stomach and thighs. I need to be under 120 pounds. I keep saying it, but I'm not doing anything - which is extra pathetic, because this time last year, I was quickly creeping down to 128.
I can hardly believe it is October already
As is customary after a bit of an absence, I offer my apologies for not writing when I should be. I am finally feeling settled in school and in my new neighborhood, so I think I will have more time for writing in the next few months before the semester ends.
I think I left off just a day after the half-marathon with a brief posting of my time. Well, the race went wonderfully. Apparently, people clocked the distance on their Garmins as being about a quarter-mile longer than 13.1 - in that case, I may have actually finished in just under two hours, which was my goal. In the days since, I have been running, but not training (meaning, I need to sign up for another race so I don't get lazy), burying myself in schoolwork, the fourth season of Mad Men, and too much eating.
Unsurprisingly, my weight is still hovering between 136-137. Too. Damn. Much. I think my newest plan - besides shunning carbs as a food-group - will be to skip one meal per day. I normally do not advocate such a thing, unless one is fasting, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I am also going to try and have a cup of tea before my two meals of the day in order to try and truly assess my appetite and hopefully fill me up beforehand.
Today I have already consumed far more than necessary - a smoothie with half a banana, mango chunks, and equal splashes (1/4 cup each) of vegetable/fruit juice, almond milk, and unsweetened soy yogurt, a slice of homemade vegan, gluten-free pumpkin ginger bread, six almonds, and with my mid-morning tea, a four tea-biscuits (130 calories for the four).
I know that we are often always setting and not reaching goals in this community, but I am feeling particularly determined right now, and with the beginning of a new season, I think I can truly do this. The pressure of school is going to make me stressed (in a good, appetite-suppressing way) and the weather will be absolutely perfect for logging many miles through the falling leaves. I will eat more elegantly and sparingly - enough to let my body rid itself of all of the excess fat while still having the energy to run and write papers. I am going to be faster, leaner, and more beautiful. I want my arms, back, abs, and legs to be nothing but lean muscle, I've had enough cushion.
How are you ladies feeling about fall? I think the cold weather we are experiencing right now will pass by the end of the week, but I love being able to hide in sweaters and tights and boots. Being bundled means people can imagine you thinner underneath - or at least that's what I hope.
I have been reading all of my subscriptions this week, but I am terribly behind on commenting. Thank you so much for the positive responses regarding my race. I hope at least one person is motivated to run. It is cheap, you can do it anywhere, it fills you with endorphins, allows you to escape, and there really is no wrong way. You might be fast, you might be slow, but if you run - you're a runner.
I found these lovely photos on The Sartorialist this week - totally in love...
Fat, as usual...
I am really not in the mood to write.
My weekend was awesome - took Thursday off after my 10 miler on Wednesday. Ran Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, skipped Tuesday and Wednesday, and did a baby 3 miles yesterday in the yucky humidity. My half marathon is this Sunday, so I am skipping today (boo it's raining) and will run 4 miles tomorrow late afternoon if it's not pouring.
My weight was bearable yesterday - 136.6 after my run, but it's up today and I feel insanely fat and round and gross. I skipped breakfast but had a mini-lunch-binge of two corn tortillas with vegan cheese, three mochi treats from the asian market, wasabi peas, a cookie, and a banana. If I keep drinking tea and coffee for the rest of the day, I'll be a little happier.
It is my goal to just subsists on green tea and coffee for the rest of the evening.
I have class (biostatistics) from 7-10pm tonight. Tomorrow, I am leaving bright and early to drive home to NJ.
Sorry this post is incredibly uninspired right now. I hope everyone remembered to wish Mich a happy birthday - seems like a popular month around here, because I know a few of us have been celebrating.
I hope the weather clears up and the conditions are better for traveling tomorrow. I may get to post tomorrow night, otherwise stop back on Sunday night or Monday for a race re-cap! I have a huge project due on Tuesday and am driving back Monday/have class, and am working before my class in DC on Tuesday, so I doubt I will have time for a lengthy post and/or comments.
Bon weekend!
My weekend was awesome - took Thursday off after my 10 miler on Wednesday. Ran Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, skipped Tuesday and Wednesday, and did a baby 3 miles yesterday in the yucky humidity. My half marathon is this Sunday, so I am skipping today (boo it's raining) and will run 4 miles tomorrow late afternoon if it's not pouring.
My weight was bearable yesterday - 136.6 after my run, but it's up today and I feel insanely fat and round and gross. I skipped breakfast but had a mini-lunch-binge of two corn tortillas with vegan cheese, three mochi treats from the asian market, wasabi peas, a cookie, and a banana. If I keep drinking tea and coffee for the rest of the day, I'll be a little happier.
It is my goal to just subsists on green tea and coffee for the rest of the evening.
I have class (biostatistics) from 7-10pm tonight. Tomorrow, I am leaving bright and early to drive home to NJ.
Sorry this post is incredibly uninspired right now. I hope everyone remembered to wish Mich a happy birthday - seems like a popular month around here, because I know a few of us have been celebrating.
I hope the weather clears up and the conditions are better for traveling tomorrow. I may get to post tomorrow night, otherwise stop back on Sunday night or Monday for a race re-cap! I have a huge project due on Tuesday and am driving back Monday/have class, and am working before my class in DC on Tuesday, so I doubt I will have time for a lengthy post and/or comments.
Bon weekend!
Blue
I had a rough day yesterday.
Friday was fine - basically uneventful, it rained in the morning, the sun finally came out, my roommate and I went to Trader Joe's and bonded a bit, she bought me a balloon, I decided to treat myself to veggie sushi for lunch, I baked cupcakes to take to my class and share with my roommates (only one for each roommate and me, and then I left the rest with me class - no leftovers to tempt me), I came home and my roommates surprised me with a bottle of chardonnay and crème de cassis for making kir, we had a few drinks and went out to a bar, I talked with a bunch of my roommate's friends (strangers) and then we came home.
Yesterday morning, I woke around 9:30 and went for a six-mile run. Then, the loneliness just hit me. Juan and I Skyped for a while and I tried to do homework in the sunshine that afternoon. I ate the most random things, feeling disgusting and fat with each bite. I watched some episodes of Mad Men and debated meeting up with my friends in DC. I decided I just did not feel well enough for that. Around 7, I ventured out to browse some shops, just so I was not spending my entire day in silence in my apartment. I didn't buy anything, came home, and cried a bit more. I love having the radio on in my apartment, but this week, all I keep hearing about is rain, flooding, earthquakes, power outages, fires, and of course the anniversary of 9.11.01. Juan texted me to tell me he is excited to see me and kiss me - I respond that I feel fat and ugly and I can't have kisses. Just not a good day.
I slept in again until 9:30. I really do not feel like running, so, I will walk a bit today and run tomorrow when I get home from the Paul Farmer talk in DC (Has anyone ever read Mountains Beyond Mountains? It is my favorite book, and the doctor in it is who I am going to hear speak tomorrow). I am also going to begin a mini-detox à la Adeline. I plan to have herbal tea and a small glass of juice for breakfast, green tea for lunch, and fruit and a salad with lemon juice for dinner. That is the plan for this week (six-and-a-half days). Juan is coming on Saturday and I made him promise last time that we would eat healthily the next time he visits. Every time we get together we are eating out so much that I gain weight.
Thank you everyone for the lovely birthday wishes. I wish I could have celebrated with you in person - I always end up celebrating with strangers, in accordance with out school calendar. Every year in elementary school you have a new "homeroom," then middle school is a new batch, high school changes, you move to college, then abroad, then graduate school #1, and now #2. Last year was the first in forever that I was able to celebrate my birthday with my truly good friends. On Wednesday I am going to do a bit of birthday shopping, and I may try and find a pair of shoes today. I have coupons for Anthropologie, Sur La Table, and DSW. Obviously, on my graduate student budget, I have to be frugal, but at Anthro I want this lovely candle so much. I was given a candle like this last August, it took me a year to burn it, and last September I bought a replacement with my discount. I just started burning that one, but I want this bigger version in the pretty jar.
Sur La Table has wonderful kitchen things, so I may buy a new dish towel. At DSW I will only buy something deeply discounted if I love it. I was there last night, but I forgot my coupon.
Anyway, I am rambling. My weight was up to 138 this morning, the highest I have recorded on this blog. Last year, this time, I was 130-132. I know I gained the weight by eating like a pig, but it still shocks me and makes me feel so unworthy of anything. I am going to try and just get dressed and get my day started, take a walk, have some tea, and feel better. We'll see how that goes.
Hopefully I can lose two or three pounds detoxing this week. I would feel much better that way. When Juan arrives, I need to stick to the plan I outlined in my last post and then I might finally be able to get under 130.
I'll get around to some commenting today. I have been a bit better about it, but I still need to reply to a bunch of your lovely posts.
Please think about where you were ten years ago, today. I do not personally know anyone who died as a result of the attacks, but I do know someone who escaped the towers and my father's crew went to man a firehouse in Manhattan. Just the thought of it gives me chills, and I sincerely hope that these innocent and brave people did not die in vain. While I believe in justice, I also believe in love. More love and less hate is what this world truly needs.
Friday was fine - basically uneventful, it rained in the morning, the sun finally came out, my roommate and I went to Trader Joe's and bonded a bit, she bought me a balloon, I decided to treat myself to veggie sushi for lunch, I baked cupcakes to take to my class and share with my roommates (only one for each roommate and me, and then I left the rest with me class - no leftovers to tempt me), I came home and my roommates surprised me with a bottle of chardonnay and crème de cassis for making kir, we had a few drinks and went out to a bar, I talked with a bunch of my roommate's friends (strangers) and then we came home.
Yesterday morning, I woke around 9:30 and went for a six-mile run. Then, the loneliness just hit me. Juan and I Skyped for a while and I tried to do homework in the sunshine that afternoon. I ate the most random things, feeling disgusting and fat with each bite. I watched some episodes of Mad Men and debated meeting up with my friends in DC. I decided I just did not feel well enough for that. Around 7, I ventured out to browse some shops, just so I was not spending my entire day in silence in my apartment. I didn't buy anything, came home, and cried a bit more. I love having the radio on in my apartment, but this week, all I keep hearing about is rain, flooding, earthquakes, power outages, fires, and of course the anniversary of 9.11.01. Juan texted me to tell me he is excited to see me and kiss me - I respond that I feel fat and ugly and I can't have kisses. Just not a good day.
I slept in again until 9:30. I really do not feel like running, so, I will walk a bit today and run tomorrow when I get home from the Paul Farmer talk in DC (Has anyone ever read Mountains Beyond Mountains? It is my favorite book, and the doctor in it is who I am going to hear speak tomorrow). I am also going to begin a mini-detox à la Adeline. I plan to have herbal tea and a small glass of juice for breakfast, green tea for lunch, and fruit and a salad with lemon juice for dinner. That is the plan for this week (six-and-a-half days). Juan is coming on Saturday and I made him promise last time that we would eat healthily the next time he visits. Every time we get together we are eating out so much that I gain weight.
Thank you everyone for the lovely birthday wishes. I wish I could have celebrated with you in person - I always end up celebrating with strangers, in accordance with out school calendar. Every year in elementary school you have a new "homeroom," then middle school is a new batch, high school changes, you move to college, then abroad, then graduate school #1, and now #2. Last year was the first in forever that I was able to celebrate my birthday with my truly good friends. On Wednesday I am going to do a bit of birthday shopping, and I may try and find a pair of shoes today. I have coupons for Anthropologie, Sur La Table, and DSW. Obviously, on my graduate student budget, I have to be frugal, but at Anthro I want this lovely candle so much. I was given a candle like this last August, it took me a year to burn it, and last September I bought a replacement with my discount. I just started burning that one, but I want this bigger version in the pretty jar.
Anyway, I am rambling. My weight was up to 138 this morning, the highest I have recorded on this blog. Last year, this time, I was 130-132. I know I gained the weight by eating like a pig, but it still shocks me and makes me feel so unworthy of anything. I am going to try and just get dressed and get my day started, take a walk, have some tea, and feel better. We'll see how that goes.
Hopefully I can lose two or three pounds detoxing this week. I would feel much better that way. When Juan arrives, I need to stick to the plan I outlined in my last post and then I might finally be able to get under 130.
I'll get around to some commenting today. I have been a bit better about it, but I still need to reply to a bunch of your lovely posts.
Please think about where you were ten years ago, today. I do not personally know anyone who died as a result of the attacks, but I do know someone who escaped the towers and my father's crew went to man a firehouse in Manhattan. Just the thought of it gives me chills, and I sincerely hope that these innocent and brave people did not die in vain. While I believe in justice, I also believe in love. More love and less hate is what this world truly needs.
Birthday
So, it's my birthday today... it's kind of weird, as it always is at the beginning of a school year. I nearly always end up celebrating my birthday with people I have just met.
And it has down-pour-rained for the past two days, there are floods, mudslide, power outages, tornadoes, fires in Texas - we've had hurricanes and earthquakes - power out in Southern California... and the 10th anniversary of September 11th is this weekend too.
And I am not really sure that I want to get older. Juan is still across the country and I feel like my life is going by without him being truly in it. I hope that changes really soon.
And last time, this year, I was around 130 pounds. This morning, 137.6. I didn't run yesterday because of the torrential school/road closing rains - and the condition is the same today. Maybe I will bake cupcakes today for my class/roommates. If I am feeling extra generous to myself, and I actually look only slightly fat in the mirror today, perhaps I will treat myself to veggie sushi for lunch. Otherwise I may try to subsist on caffeine today. Maybe a glass or two of wine tonight?
Here's to 24.
And it has down-pour-rained for the past two days, there are floods, mudslide, power outages, tornadoes, fires in Texas - we've had hurricanes and earthquakes - power out in Southern California... and the 10th anniversary of September 11th is this weekend too.
And I am not really sure that I want to get older. Juan is still across the country and I feel like my life is going by without him being truly in it. I hope that changes really soon.
And last time, this year, I was around 130 pounds. This morning, 137.6. I didn't run yesterday because of the torrential school/road closing rains - and the condition is the same today. Maybe I will bake cupcakes today for my class/roommates. If I am feeling extra generous to myself, and I actually look only slightly fat in the mirror today, perhaps I will treat myself to veggie sushi for lunch. Otherwise I may try to subsist on caffeine today. Maybe a glass or two of wine tonight?
Here's to 24.
Perspective and a plan
To begin, a short list of the things I am proud of right now:
- Last week I ran 4 miles Monday, 8.5 Wednesday, 3 (plus 2 walking) Saturday, 5 yesterday, and 4 (plus 2 walking) today. In addition, I have been doing a lot of walking - I park my car about a mile from campus and sometimes have to walk an additional quarter to half mile across campus.
- I painted my lamp and standing mirror. The lamp is now a leaf-green to match the lampshade I purchased at IKEA and the mirror is blue. I am not totally happy with the mirror, so I may rub a darker paint (either darker blue or black) over it to tone it down. (I may eventually get around to taking a few photos)
- My first week of classes went smoothly. Global health, health promotions, intro to epidemiology, intro to biostatistics - I arrived on time and the syllabi lead me to believe I'll be able to handle this semester without too much stress.
- My apartment looks quite cute and my housemates are really sweet. Basically, my living situation couldn't be better. What a relief, especially since my situation in San Diego was so awful.
And the bad news:
- My weight is horrific. Each day I range somewhere between 136 and 138. After eating a salty, wheat-filled pretzel last night, I was 139 before my run today.
- I have a terrible stomach ache, and if that isn't a sign to not eat, I don't know what is. I had a bit of unsweetened soy yogurt for breakfast, and I may have some toast later.
- Juan is not coming this weekend for my birthday (the 9th). I sort of knew this would happen, and the only upside is that he may come next weekend, and in that case I have a little more time to try and get my body to be less gross.
- I have been eating practically non-stop, since my loans came through and I was able to afford some groceries. That led to an exploratory trip to whole foods. This has led to polenta and vegan cheese and other fattening foods. I need to stick to salad and stop being so gluttonous.
- Cellulite, stretch marks, and no thigh gap. Still.
And then there is eating.
As some of you know, I love to cook and bake. I am always checking out cookbooks from the library and am fairly obsessed with the vegan blogging world. Additionally, I love trying new foods and in general, eating. Yet, I hate what food does to my body. I simply have the constitution that if I look at a cookie, I gain three pounds. I see food as not so much nourishing, but combative to my system (I don't tolerate wheat or dairy well, hence the generally gluten-free, vegan diet). I hope that someday my attitude toward food and my body will be much more normal, but right now I am just not there.
I think I need to start cutting out more foods - specifically nuts. Cutting down my fat intake from nut butters and nuts will certainly decrease my protein intake, but I am not strength training right now, so I think it will be okay. I also need to have more rigidly set menus for the day. I want to restrict my calories to under 1000, and the only wait to do that is to have a daily recipe - basically a combination of meals that I can eat that I know will get me under my goal. For example, breakfast can be either soy yogurt with frozen fruit, oatmeal, or a smoothie (200 calories max). Lunch should be my heartiest meal, so I will have to look into my choices for that one - basically veggies, a whole grain, maybe a protein and a serving of fruit (400 calories max). Dinner should be strictly salads - all vegetables with a splash of vinegar or lemon juice and herbs (300 calories max). Then I have 100 calories to be able to have another piece of fruit, a soy cappuccino, etc. Caffeine is essential for getting me through afternoon/evening classes, but green tea is preferred to coffee.
Alright, I think I am finally running out of words and I need to just ruminate on all of this.
Final thoughts - under 1000, running minimum of five days per week (I am still training for my half-marathon on the 25th) with a preference of six days, organizing my schoolwork and time in order to maximize my efficiency and minimize snacking...
Any thoughts and comments will be greatly appreciated. I am quite grateful for your comments on the last one. I will write some replies tonight.
Little update
I am finally moved in and settled into my new place in Virginia. Classes began on Monday and I just have some background reading to do for my research assistantship.
I am hovering around 137ish. I feel disgusting, naturally. I explained to my friend today that I think the stress of the semester combined with my extremely strict budget will certainly result in getting me down to my goal weight - I told her 125, but I know I want to be 118.
118. It seems so far now.
I bought a pair of shoes today. Forbidden, I know, because I am living on student loans and barely making it to my first paycheck. They were $25. I promised myself that I would not go grocery shopping for anything extraneous - only meal food, nothing remotely snack-like - and I will not shop until I have finished all of the food in my fridge/freezer (lettuce, carrots, hummus, applesauce, apples, soy milk, peas, corn, a bit of GF bread, rice cakes, etc - vegetables, mostly). That way, I will not be tempted by higher calorie treats. Oatmeal or soy yogurt for breakfast with a smidge of honey, salad for lunch, more veggies for dinner and nothing but coffee or tea in between. I am still training for the half marathon, so inevitably, between more walking, my daily runs, stress, and being poor, I must lose weight.
Juan might be coming next weekend for my birthday. I would like to be under 135 by then. He would potentially arrive on my birthday, Friday. That is 9 days right? I think I can handle that.
I am reading the book Going Hungry. Quite good. It actually makes me feel relieved that I am not the only person who has weird eating issues with anorexic tendencies who isn't truly a full-blown anorexic.
Hopefully, I will have more time to write this weekend. I promise I am reading, just not commenting at the moment.
Welcome back Isobel and Adeline.
I am hovering around 137ish. I feel disgusting, naturally. I explained to my friend today that I think the stress of the semester combined with my extremely strict budget will certainly result in getting me down to my goal weight - I told her 125, but I know I want to be 118.
118. It seems so far now.
I bought a pair of shoes today. Forbidden, I know, because I am living on student loans and barely making it to my first paycheck. They were $25. I promised myself that I would not go grocery shopping for anything extraneous - only meal food, nothing remotely snack-like - and I will not shop until I have finished all of the food in my fridge/freezer (lettuce, carrots, hummus, applesauce, apples, soy milk, peas, corn, a bit of GF bread, rice cakes, etc - vegetables, mostly). That way, I will not be tempted by higher calorie treats. Oatmeal or soy yogurt for breakfast with a smidge of honey, salad for lunch, more veggies for dinner and nothing but coffee or tea in between. I am still training for the half marathon, so inevitably, between more walking, my daily runs, stress, and being poor, I must lose weight.
Juan might be coming next weekend for my birthday. I would like to be under 135 by then. He would potentially arrive on my birthday, Friday. That is 9 days right? I think I can handle that.
I am reading the book Going Hungry. Quite good. It actually makes me feel relieved that I am not the only person who has weird eating issues with anorexic tendencies who isn't truly a full-blown anorexic.
Hopefully, I will have more time to write this weekend. I promise I am reading, just not commenting at the moment.
Welcome back Isobel and Adeline.
Doing a bit better
I am still horrified that I managed to gain five-or-so pounds in six days. Thank you for all of your extremely kind and encouraging comments.
I did not really do a proper fast, but Wednesday I definitely will. Saturday morning, I ran a 5k mud run at a ski slope that was really hard (although I was hardly tired at the end because my teammates were forcing me to go so slowly). I ate fairly well the rest of the day - granola bar, veggie burger, fruit, a normal serving of gluten-free, vegan pizza. Yesterday was fine, I skipped breakfast, had coffee and gluten-free toast for lunch, a rice cake, fresh corn, tomatoes, sweet potato, and popcorn and lots of water. I just returned from a three mile run and weighed in at 137.8.
So you all know that I am going to graduate school this fall. Well, my mom and I drove down to Virginia on Friday to find an apartment. Last night, I found out that I got the one I really wanted and I am moving TOMORROW! I will probably go for a run in the morning, skip breakfast in lieu of coffee, have lunch, and likely skip dinner out of tiredness. Then, Wednesday, I plan to fast. I need to stay hydrated and I want to no focus on eating for a little while, especially while I get started with school. Once I truly start classes and such, I'll practically be living off of coffee and surely the weight will come off.
Today, I am eating 1/4 cup oatmeal mixed with a small banana, and 1T chopped pecans and 4oz grapefruit juice for breakfast. I was really hungry after my run and can easily work on packing through lunch.
I hope everyone had a great weekend.
I did not really do a proper fast, but Wednesday I definitely will. Saturday morning, I ran a 5k mud run at a ski slope that was really hard (although I was hardly tired at the end because my teammates were forcing me to go so slowly). I ate fairly well the rest of the day - granola bar, veggie burger, fruit, a normal serving of gluten-free, vegan pizza. Yesterday was fine, I skipped breakfast, had coffee and gluten-free toast for lunch, a rice cake, fresh corn, tomatoes, sweet potato, and popcorn and lots of water. I just returned from a three mile run and weighed in at 137.8.
 |
| I'm second from the left, #918 |
Today, I am eating 1/4 cup oatmeal mixed with a small banana, and 1T chopped pecans and 4oz grapefruit juice for breakfast. I was really hungry after my run and can easily work on packing through lunch.
I hope everyone had a great weekend.
Fasting with a stomach ache
I am at about hour 14 for my fast.
I had two tablespoons of Better'n Peanut Butter since I nearly passed out after walking my dogs four miles in the eighty-five degree heat.
Still trying to keep my head afloat and gain some true perspective on life, but unfortunately neither is working.
Facebook is driving me crazy these days because I am constantly haunted by girls who are so much thinner and more beautiful than I am. My ex-boyfriend's fiancée and an old friend from high school are so gorgeous...
I had a cracker with some hummus on it, my head is pounding - not sure if it's stress, the heat, or my low blood sugar... I'm going to weigh myself right now to see if I am allowed to drink anything besides water...
Hmm, no, just water for the rest of the night... I think I might take my dogs for another walk or go for a short (2 mile) run since I'm so repulsive...
Finally cracked around hour 20 and had two rice cakes with hummus. I'm sure I'm going to gain weight by tomorrow. FML. I won't eat a thing until after I've weighed myself AFTER work, at 4:30 tomorrow.
I had two tablespoons of Better'n Peanut Butter since I nearly passed out after walking my dogs four miles in the eighty-five degree heat.
Still trying to keep my head afloat and gain some true perspective on life, but unfortunately neither is working.
Facebook is driving me crazy these days because I am constantly haunted by girls who are so much thinner and more beautiful than I am. My ex-boyfriend's fiancée and an old friend from high school are so gorgeous...
I had a cracker with some hummus on it, my head is pounding - not sure if it's stress, the heat, or my low blood sugar... I'm going to weigh myself right now to see if I am allowed to drink anything besides water...
Hmm, no, just water for the rest of the night... I think I might take my dogs for another walk or go for a short (2 mile) run since I'm so repulsive...
Finally cracked around hour 20 and had two rice cakes with hummus. I'm sure I'm going to gain weight by tomorrow. FML. I won't eat a thing until after I've weighed myself AFTER work, at 4:30 tomorrow.
Second day of summer
A little background:I have been reading blogs about girls struggling with weight issues for more than four years. I started on xanga, which I still love and continue to update, and found a bunch of blogger hosted blogs over the past year that I constantly read and re-read.
I recently finished my first year of graduate school - I am 22. My fascination with all of this began my sophomore year in college, when under a lot of pressure from different areas of my life, I began restricting and exercising and getting high off of the feeling of losing weight. I am 5'7.5" and my body generally tries to maintain somewhere around 140 lbs. That year, I dropped from about 145 to 128 in just a two months. I felt great and have struggled with ups and downs since, never quite reaching that low weight ever again.
This February, my boyfriend broke my heart and I easily dropped to 132 in a matter of two weeks, since I could do nothing but cry and sleep.
My current weight, due to recent restricting, is 137.8 lbs.
I will be 125 by the end of this summer, no matter what it takes.
Moi
- désespérée de maigrir
- I hate: my weight. I love: being a vegetarian, France, tulips & poppies, anything by Paul Coehlo, baby animals, gin, knitting, dresses, kirs, cake decorating, Johnny Swim & Matt Nathanson, running, Casablanca, my best friends and family, and an amazing French man who makes everything in this world so much easier to take on