Blue

I had a rough day yesterday.

Friday was fine - basically uneventful, it rained in the morning, the sun finally came out, my roommate and I went to Trader Joe's and bonded a bit, she bought me a balloon, I decided to treat myself to veggie sushi for lunch, I baked cupcakes to take to my class and share with my roommates (only one for each roommate and me, and then I left the rest with me class - no leftovers to tempt me), I came home and my roommates surprised me with a bottle of chardonnay and crème de cassis for making kir, we had a few drinks and went out to a bar, I talked with a bunch of my roommate's friends (strangers) and then we came home.

Yesterday morning, I woke around 9:30 and went for a six-mile run.  Then, the loneliness just hit me.  Juan and I Skyped for a while and I tried to do homework in the sunshine that afternoon.  I ate the most random things, feeling disgusting and fat with each bite.  I watched some episodes of Mad Men and debated meeting up with my friends in DC.  I decided I just did not feel well enough for that.  Around 7, I ventured out to browse some shops, just so I was not spending my entire day in silence in my apartment.  I didn't buy anything, came home, and cried a bit more.  I love having the radio on in my apartment, but this week, all I keep hearing about is rain, flooding, earthquakes, power outages, fires, and of course the anniversary of 9.11.01.  Juan texted me to tell me he is excited to see me and kiss me - I respond that I feel fat and ugly and I can't have kisses.  Just not a good day.

I slept in again until 9:30.  I really do not feel like running, so, I will walk a bit today and run tomorrow when I get home from the Paul Farmer talk in DC (Has anyone ever read Mountains Beyond Mountains?  It is my favorite book, and the doctor in it is who I am going to hear speak tomorrow).  I am also going to begin a mini-detox à la Adeline.  I plan to have herbal tea and a small glass of juice for breakfast, green tea for lunch, and fruit and a salad with lemon juice for dinner.  That is the plan for this week (six-and-a-half days).  Juan is coming on Saturday and I made him promise last time that we would eat healthily the next time he visits.  Every time we get together we are eating out so much that I gain weight.

Thank you everyone for the lovely birthday wishes.  I wish I could have celebrated with you in person - I always end up celebrating with strangers, in accordance with out school calendar.  Every year in elementary school you have a new "homeroom," then middle school is a new batch, high school changes, you move to college, then abroad, then graduate school #1, and now #2.  Last year was the first in forever that I was able to celebrate my birthday with my truly good friends.  On Wednesday I am going to do a bit of birthday shopping, and I may try and find a pair of shoes today.  I have coupons for Anthropologie, Sur La Table, and DSW.  Obviously, on my graduate student budget, I have to be frugal, but at Anthro I want this lovely candle so much.  I was given a candle like this last August, it took me a year to burn it, and last September I bought a replacement with my discount.  I just started burning that one, but I want this bigger version in the pretty jar.

Sur La Table has wonderful kitchen things, so I may buy a new dish towel.  At DSW I will only buy something deeply discounted if I love it.  I was there last night, but I forgot my coupon.

Anyway, I am rambling.  My weight was up to 138 this morning, the highest I have recorded on this blog.  Last year, this time, I was 130-132.  I know I gained the weight by eating like a pig, but it still shocks me and makes me feel so unworthy of anything.  I am going to try and just get dressed and get my day started, take a walk, have some tea, and feel better.  We'll see how that goes.

Hopefully I can lose two or three pounds detoxing this week.  I would feel much better that way.  When Juan arrives, I need to stick to the plan I outlined in my last post and then I might finally be able to get under 130.

I'll get around to some commenting today.  I have been a bit better about it, but I still need to reply to a bunch of your lovely posts.

Please think about where you were ten years ago, today.  I do not personally know anyone who died as a result of the attacks, but I do know someone who escaped the towers and my father's crew went to man a firehouse in Manhattan.  Just the thought of it gives me chills, and I sincerely hope that these innocent and brave people did not die in vain.  While I believe in justice, I also believe in love.  More love and less hate is what this world truly needs.

7 comments:

Cierra said...

You're beautiful!! Don't think about the food, think about kissing your dude :)

Miranda, AKA Fed Up said...

It must be so hard being away from your love. My hubby and I did the long distance thing for a while and it's hard. Shopping is great therapy!

Adeline said...

Oh chook, I wish I could have spent the past couple of days with you. We would have gone for little walks, and drunk lots of tea, and made lots of lists and plans.

I love you so much, please keep that chin up and focus on contributing love to the world by firstly loving yourself xx

Kisses, hugs, understanding,
Adeline xx

Isobel said...

Good luck with your detox love

xxx

Mockingbird said...

Relish every drop of sweetness in his kiss while you are still youthful enough to be giddy about it! I agree with Cierra(although I'm all too prone to hypocrisy by calling myself fat and telling others not to do the same), don't think "fat", think beautiful -- because you are! Also, very impeccable selection on the candle. Anthropologie has drained my pockets on quite a few occasions from buying up candles and mugs! Feel better and more beautiful.

Does It Even Matter said...

Dont worry about the extra five pounds....I'm sure its just the result of the binge and with all the running you do you'll be back to your usual weight in days. :)

Peridot (G+P) said...

If I had the money I'd get you a voucher so you could get the pretty candle. Next year, when I'm working fulltime :D

Love you so much <3

 

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