A long overdo update

So my last post was a little alarming, I know.  I am sorry.  I mean, I know I am allowed to write whatever I please around here, but my last post was written in a moment of frustration and haste after seeing some friends last weekend.

I just could not believe how good some of my friends looked - and by good, I mean thin... I have amazing, lovely, beautiful (inside and out!) girlfriends from college, and I have always viewed them all that way, no matter what size they happen to be.  But after not seeing them for months and months, I just felt so large and inadequate.

I am going to see a gastroenterologist on Monday afternoon.  I have been having some sort of minor but persistent digestive distress since the end of March and I am finally going to see a specialist. I saw my normal doctor and his tests revealed nothing in particular, so he said if I still was not better, I should see a specialist.  Well, more than a month later I am finally getting around to it, since the symptoms are interfering with my marathon training.  I am hoping he is able to give me some answers and maybe even explain my unexplained weight gain.  I have not gained that much, but I find it odd that I spent three months in Europe eating whatever I wanted and gained about 2 pounds.  I come home and eat healthier and vegan and I am now was the tippy tippy top of my weight range.  I have gained 5-6 pounds more.  I am 20 pounds over my ideal weight (writing that makes me SO sad) and about 12 over my easy-to-maintain-I-feel-much-better-about-myself weight.  I just hope I get some answers.  My clothes are tight and I just don't feel good.  And I am no where close to underweight, so from a health perspective there is no reason that I should not lose weight.

Anyway, I am running a half marathon in the morning.  I am not sure how it is going to go - I have been marathon training for about a month, but this is a little early in my plan to run a half.  It just seemed like a fun race and would only be slightly longer than what I had planned for this weekend.  I know I will be able to finish the course, but I would be shocked if I run it in under 2 hours.

I am leaving for France in two weeks, which is exciting.  I have almost six whole days to spend with Benjamin and it will be lovely as usual, I suspect.  We are  on a little adventure to a surprise location when I arrive, and all I know is I need to bring my bathing suit... ughhhhh... I am excited to be in the sunshine and perhaps be laying on a beach (I don't really know, after all) but I am NOT excited about having to display that much of myself in public.  But, I need to just gather my wits about it - it's not worth ruining a perfectly good vacation over stupid body negativity.

I am hoping that the doctor ends up putting me on some kind of special regimen that a) my symptoms will stop/improve and b) I will lose some weight before my trip.  Regardless, I have two weeks to try and just lose even a few pounds to mentally make myself feel better, even if the physical change is imperceptible to most.

And what else is new?  I have been happily busy at work (I really do enjoy my job) and am trying to squeeze in marathon training (even 5:20am wake-up calls to run 9 miles before work!) and knitting.  I am making a lovely t shirt right now.  I hope to make some serious progress on it tonight/tomorrow so that maybe it will be finished before I leave.  Then I need to finish the sleeves on a striped cardigan that has been lingering in my knitting pile - the sweater is lovely but I just have not been able to find the motivation to finish the sleeves!  After that, I have two big projects to start, which I might to simultaneously - one is a sweater for Pauline's grandmother.  I knit myself a blue pullover last summer for wearing at the beach on cool days.  She really loved it and wanted something similar.  The yarn I had in my stash is not quite appropriate for the same pattern, but I am going to make this.  Then I need to start a lovely linen summer scarf for Benjamin's grandmother.  I was hoping to have it finished before my trip, but there is no way that will happen.

How is everyone?  I am horribly behind on my favorite blogs... especially Peri!  I'm sorry my dear!  And I think a few people haven't written in a while... Lulu and Miranda?  I hope everyone is well... Bella, I've been thinking of you and I sent off a little card the other day.  Ruby, you're just the best, thanks for never forgetting about me.  I will try to get caught up and maybe even make some comments tomorrow night.  Have a lovely weekend, all...

A little ramble about dysmorphia

I am at a really heavy weight right now.  Even with moderate amounts of running (finished another half marathon last Saturday in under two hours without really training!) and having my fridge empty, I cannot seem to make these pounds budge.

My boyfriend tells me that if this is my "chubby weight," that I am in good shape.  Well, unfortunately I do not agree with that in the slightest.  I want to snap my fingers and say goodbye to twenty pounds.  Obviously, that is impossible, but I just need to get serious about making changes.  I finally got some Vega One shake mix, and the nutrition profile is excellent for the amount of calories.  I think incorporating that will help me stay away from snacking during the day.  In addition, the warm weather we have had recently is taking away a bit of my appetite.  Not to mention, the stress of the end of the school year and the millions of awful things that keep happening to my boyfriend.  I would like to lose at least five pounds before graduation day, which honestly is not unhealthy or impossible.  I just need to be strict.

Since moving here, and especially since I started seeing Allan, I have been eating out much more frequently than ever in my life.  I vow that until graduation, if I eat at a restaurant, a salad it will be!  Certainly some salads can be far from healthy, but that is usually due to fatty toppings like creamy dressings, cheese, and bacon, none of which I ever eat.  Hooray for plants!

And on to more substantial stuff (rather than my ever-present dysmorphic complaining about my weight)...

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine, the only one who knows me in real life (other than Miranda, who I met out in CA!) brought up the post I did a while back where I quoted a pretty inflammatory Facebook remark made by a childhood friend.  The post said something about shaming size 0s and how other people should not be jealous, yadda yadda yadda.  When really, if you read between the lines, the writer is bragging about being super tiny.  While admittedly she is enviably small, she has not achieved that body in a healthy way, and seems to constantly be seeking attention for it.  Sadly, it is likely a cry for help, but at the moment, she seems to push her friends away.  Annnnnnnnyway, what my friend and I subsequently discussed was a bit about body dysmorphia.

I was saying that sometimes I feel like a total fraud, writing this blog, in that I do not have an eating disorder.  I have had periods of my life where I have definitely exhibited disordered patterns of eating, but never anything unshakable.  Furthermore, I have never dropped to a dangerously low weight (I know that is really a bunch of BS, DSM diagnostic crap, but...)  Honestly, the bulk of my problems are all in my head.  People tell me that I am thin on a fairly regular basis.  Objectively, from the outside, rationally, I know I am average.  I have a healthy BMI and I can run miles and miles.  My boyfriend is constantly touting how attractive he finds my body... and yet... I cannot shake the feelings I have had for years about how much better it would be to be a little trimmer here, thinner in the arms, slimmer in the thighs, tighter there.  I look in the mirror and am constantly disappointed by what I see and full well know that the losing weight (or not, for that matter) part is entirely my fault.  What we were discussing, however, is the fact that I think and feel this way really is not my fault.  I think I am just programmed as such.  I am so fortunate that it has only consumed my thoughts and not my actions, unlike so many people in this community.  Maybe it is part of my perfectionist, over-achieving personality.  Maybe the fact that I come off as confident and friendly and outgoing is to compensate for my intense body insecurities.  I wish I had the answers.

I wish I had some kind of solution for all of us.  To get us out of these mind traps that leave us in tears after seeing a number on the scale.  But unfortunately, at least for me, I fear it is never going to go away.  If I cannot toss these thoughts after feeling the accomplishment of running a marathon or feeling adored by another human, than what hope is there for me?  I don't know.

I just hope that in future periods of stress, I am able to keep on the relatively normal path, you know?

That was sort of a long-winded, unclear thought train, but thanks for riding.  My friend said that even if I feel weird about writing here sometimes, and even if I do not have an eating disorder, she thinks I have the capability of helping someone.  I hope that is true.

Back in town

In general, I had a really nice time in California visiting my friends.  In all honesty, even though I had such a rough time when I lived there in 2009-2010, I did not want to leave.  I forgot that I truly enjoy the pace of life there.  My friend that was kind enough to host me went through a difficult breakup this fall.  She also invited her friend from college to stay with us who is going through some very heavy personal stuff right now.  Basically, we were a slumber-party-support-group.

The weather was on the chilly side, but so sunny.  I ran every day and enjoyed the change in scenery, hitting up my old running paths and trying to let me soul rest for a bit.

I met up with several of my friends from work and graduate school, which was so great, overall, but also sad in the sense that I ended up talking about Pauline and Juan A LOT.

Ah, and speaking of which, Juan and I were in contact a bit and I was thinking he might drive down to see me.  He told me he really wanted to come but that it was a bad idea.  I know he's right.  It has been more than a year since we really broke up.  I sort of freaked out and cried a lot when I realized he was not going to come - mainly because I am really struggling with the notion of NEVER EVER seeing him again.  And the fact that he either does not really think of it like that, or he does not care/is ok with it.  I don't know.

One of the major highlights of the trip, however, was a great afternoon coffee date with my friend who hosted me, our friend from work, and our lovely Miranda!  I told my friends I was going to meet a girl whose blog I read.  I explained that it was basically like a diary where you get public commentary, but that the entire idea is that no one you know in real life reads it.  They seemed perfectly satisfied with that.  I did not tell them that I have a blog too.  Anyway, Miranda was so, so, so lovely and friendly (and skinny!) and we had a lovely time drinking tea and getting to know one another a bit.  Miss Miranda, I hope you had as good of a time as I did, and its good to know we're both nice, non-pyscho internet people in real life, right?

The only souvenir I brought back from San Diego was a few pounds around my middle.  I did not have access to a scale while I was there, and we ate out for nearly every meal.  I was pretty well behaved, honestly, sticking to salads and light fare, but I think the combination of more sodium than usual and not controlling the calories myself left me in bad shape.  I will not give an exact number, but even after taking a laxative tea last night (traveling and changing time zones and eating wheat all messed with my tummy a bit, so it was for good reason) I was over 140.  I was looking at an old photo of me from the summer of 2010 last night and I know I was about 8 pounds less then, I looked so much better.  I am resolved to do what I have to do to lose weight right now.  I have done it before, I know I can do it now.  Especially since I start school and my internship this week - the stress and busy schedule will leave me not eating much.  My clothes are not fitting right and I cannot take a photograph without feeling disgusting.  Plus, I want to show people my tattoo, but my gross middle is prohibiting me from being more comfortable with that.

Oh, and I am on day 17 of my running streak - it happens to be snowing/raining today, but I am not going to stay in and waste the day.

I know I have been totally out of it as of late, so I have only been reading and not really leaving any comments.  How is everyone doing?

Ruby, I want your address so I can send you a little something...

My final sunset in San Diego

Down a little bit more

132.6 after my run today - the lowest number I have seen in ages.  That puts my real weight somewhere between 133.8-134.8 or so.  Getting under 130 by Christmas seems totally doable now.  If I can hit 125 by the time I go to California for New Year's Eve, I will be thrilled.

Thank you for all the well-wishes for my night out on Tuesday.  I met my friends at a tapas place, and my friend and I ordered a small sauteed mushroom tapas and a pitcher of sangria to share.  I ate very lightly during the day, so it worked out really well.  The sangria was enough to get me buzzed and I did not gain any weight in the morning.

We were supposed to go running, but it rained all day.  Instead, we went to Trader Joe's and the Asian market, where I stocked up on produce ($.99/lb persimmons and 20 for $1.00 clementines!).  We went to DSW, where I found my Saucony Kinvara2 shoes on sale for $50!

 

The last time I bought them, I paid somewhere right around $90, so I was thrilled.  My current pair have another 75-100 miles left in them still but I know I won't be able to find them cheaper anywhere else.  They are a minimalist shoe but more substantial than the Nike Free Run+ shoes I loved before this.  I went through two pairs of Nike Frees and found they were not holding up for my half-marathon training.  These have been great - I recommend them to anyone without major pronation problems who is looking for less cushy than a traditional shoe but on the more substantial end of the minimalist scale.

After shoe shopping, we went to a Lebanese place for lunch (for breakfast, I made us oatmeal, and made her double the amount I made for me) and I had unsweetened tea, a small salad and a cauliflower pita.  For dinner I made lentil and vegetable stew.  The only naughty things I ate on Wednesday were a few pieces of baklava (my weakness) and a few pieces of chocolate.  Yesterday was a good day eating-wise, again except for a few pieces of chocolate, but I managed to still lose a little and the chocolate is gone now.

Today will be a light eating day again, yogurt and fruit for breakfast, rice cakes for a snack, a small bowl of lentil soup, and steamed veggies of salad for dinner.  The only thing that would be better is if I could have run on both Wednesday and Thursday, but the rain ruined that.

This weekend I have to edit a group paper and catch up on some reading and other schoolwork, and then I guess I am going home for Thanksgiving.  I really don't want to, to tell you the truth, but my parents want me to come home.

I hope everyone is doing well and can breathe a big sigh of relief that is is Friday!  I hope you all have a lovely, low-calorie, exercise-induced endorphin-rushed weekend...

Finally losing

I've kicked up my mileage over the past few weeks and I am trying to eat less.  I know it is not rocket science, but sometimes the equation of burning more calories that you consume becomes incredibly difficult to execute.

I was 133.2 after my run this morning and hovered between 134.8 and 135.0 beforehand.

I took a rest day on Sunday, instead of a 4.5 mile recovery run - I still ended the week at 31.5 miles.  I just had too much work to do and had an argument with Juan on Saturday that turned my whole day upside down with a raging headache.

I'm planning similar mileage this week, 4.5 yesterday, 6.2 this morning, etc.  The good thing about long runs is that I'm typically not ravenous when I come back.  On Saturday, after 10 miles I wasn't even hungry at all.  Obviously, I had something to eat because a run like that burns more than 1,000 calories and I should not completely punish my body.

I was planning on fasting today in preparation to meet my friend for drinks tonight, but I cracked when I came home and had three cookies that I baked last night (I have another friend coming over to stay the night, so I baked cookies for her yesterday) and a normal, light breakfast of soy yogurt and mango.  I already had 20 oz of water and a cup of tea but I still feel guilty.  I should have just had a little yogurt.  I want to look thin and have room to treat myself to a cocktail tonight.  I hardly ever waste calories on alcohol, but I am happy to meet my friend after class.  He is one of my first friends from college, is doing his PhD in neuroscience and is at a conference in DC for a few days.  There's no way I would commit to dinner with him, I cannot handle the calories, but a drink, I should not feel too guilty about that.

So, for the rest of the day I think I will stick to tea and coffee, especially since I am going to have alcohol tonight and my friend will be here all day tomorrow, which means eating a normal breakfast and lunch.

Thank you so much for commenting on my last few posts, I promise to share some love today.

I am getting closer to 130.  By the new year, I will be under, and I will be halfway to my ultimate goal.

Oh, and everyone needs to go give Adeline some big warm "welcome back" wishes!!!

Apologies, again, for erratic posting

Luckily, as fate would have it, my weight has started to go back down after being stubbornly stuck and an obnoxiously high number.  I was 134 after my workout - obviously, as all of you know, my goal is under 130 (pre-workout) by the 30th.  That really means losing between 5-7 pounds.  I think I can do it.

I have been exercising quite a bit - this morning 2.65 miles and my bursting class (735 calories gone) - and trying to suck down iced coffee like its my job to suppress my appetite.  (Sidenote: I ran to the end of my road - 1.1 miles - in 8:48 yesterday - hell yes!)  I did not do a great job eating so far today (lasted on nothing until 12pm, then soy yogurt with cherries and pecans, mini rice cakes, a spoonful of peanut butter, fresh pineapple, popcorn made with oil - my mom said she wanted some, and my air-popper does not make enough for two, so I decided to make it in the big pot.  Long story short, she did not want any, so I made it with oil for no reason and shared with the dogs, but still waaaaaaaay too much - and then two spoonfuls left-over frosting.  Green tea and iced coffee for the rest of the night, most definitely.  I am so glad I worked out this morning.

Random act of awesomeness today - I went to Dunkin Donuts to order my medium coconut iced coffee, black, light on the ice (my summer pleasure) after driving one of my students to the bus station.  Anyway, I get inside and there is a hand-written sign that says the credit card machine is broken.  As usual, I did not have any cash on me.  I just said, "Oh that's too bad, I really wanted coffee and I drove all the way down here."  The guys just looked at me and I went to leave.  The woman behind me pipes up and says, "What did you want?  I'll buy your coffee for you, just a random act of kindness." I insisted no, but she offered again and so some super nice stranger paid for me $2.39 coffee :)  I need to do something random and good and put some great vibes into the world.  Being a Christian, I do not really believe in karma, but I certainly believe that putting kindness and love into the world is the best way to go about things.

I am trying very hard to get ready for my visit to see Juan's family.  I really need to crack down on my diet.  June is a new month and the perfect time to reduce my intake.  The easiest way for me is to skip breakfast, which is not good for your metabolism.  Honestly, I'm not sure if it makes a difference because I work out when I wake up.  My metabolism must be boosted by a 5 mile run or my bursting class, so maybe it does not matter anyway???  Who knows?  I think I am going to stick with skipping breakfast and just waiting until I get home, around noon, to eat or drink anything.

Please keep bugging me and help me resist food and exercise more.  I have to be smaller soon.  I just have to be.

Also, if you do not follow Dani, please give her a few sentiments of support.  She's going through a rough patch and needs all the love we can muster.

Lots of love, as always...

endorphinsandveggies.tumblr.com

All over the place

So my head is completely all over the place.  I'm not even sure where to begin and how to organize this, but I promise to try.

School  So, as you know, I was accepted to Columbia.  I was also accepted to Tufts and am waiting to hear form George Mason.  Columbia is certainly the best school of the three, but as of yesterday, I found out the only aid I was given to attend was federal loans.  Unfortunately, I cannot justify borrowing 60-some-odd-thousand dollars to finance this education.  I was on the phone with admissions and financial aid and they have offered me nothing - no scholarship, no research or teaching assistantship.  As you can imagine, I felt pretty crushed yesterday.  I was all weepy with Juan on the phone, naturally, and felt really bummed the rest of the day.  I cannot make a final decision about whether or not I go to school at all until I have heard from Tufts and GMU, but at this point it is looking unlikely.  Oh, and for Eeshie, an MPH is a Masters in Public Health.  I want to study epidemiology, which is the study of how diseases move across populations (i.e. studying epidemic outbreaks like cholera in Haiti or the swine flu or whatever as well as trends in diseases, like HIV/AIDS, obesity, etc.) Ultimately, I want to work for an international government agency or non-profit  on HIV/AIDS and other disease prevention measures with mothers and babies in developing nations.  We'll see...

Work  I quit my job at the animal hospital!  My last day is officially the 19th because on the 20th I am leaving with the team for their training trip in South Carolina (hello sunshine and getting paid!)  I am really excited about this position and I hope it transitions into something bigger and perhaps more permanent.  The school hired me just for their season, which is until the middle of May, but they found out that I was a public speaking teacher in graduate school and they are looking for someone to help with their public speaking curriculum.  The great thing about a private school is that you honestly do not need a masters degree to teach there.  I really hope they decide to use me in other ways than just with the crew team.

Gym  On Tuesday I absolutely crushed it.  I ran two miles and then killed myself at back-to-back bursting classes.  According to my heart monitor, I burned 1238 calories, which is kind of crazy.  Yesterday, I could barely move because I was so sore, so I took a rest day.  Today, I ran a 5k before my class and managed to burn over 800 calories according to my monitor.  Tomorrow, I will just do my class in the morning.

Friends  So the lovely Cinnamon sent me a care package!  A while back I mailed her some tea and lucky me, I received the cutest package in the mail yesterday!

First of all, the envelope was covered in totally fun stamps - brightly colored fish and birds.  Inside, everything was wrapped so nicely - a postcard, some tea, a bracelet and charm, and some lovely hand knitted slippers and mitts!  Thank you my dear :)  

Weight  Thank you all so much for your encouraging comments on my photos (that I was insanely nervous to post).  I am trying to work extra hard on cutting back my calorie intake - yesterday I tried to fast but failed since I was crazy stressed out.  I am going to stick to a bit of oatmeal (with almond milk, a few raisins, and a spoonful of Better'n Peanut Butter - it's 1/2 the calories) and vegetables for dinner.  After the gym I was 132.0.  I am working hard for 129.  I can do it again, right?

Anyway, thank you to anyone who took the time to read all of that.  I left a few comments this morning and I'm off to give some more while I eat my oatmeal.  Have a lovely day my darlings...