A little ramble about dysmorphia

I am at a really heavy weight right now.  Even with moderate amounts of running (finished another half marathon last Saturday in under two hours without really training!) and having my fridge empty, I cannot seem to make these pounds budge.

My boyfriend tells me that if this is my "chubby weight," that I am in good shape.  Well, unfortunately I do not agree with that in the slightest.  I want to snap my fingers and say goodbye to twenty pounds.  Obviously, that is impossible, but I just need to get serious about making changes.  I finally got some Vega One shake mix, and the nutrition profile is excellent for the amount of calories.  I think incorporating that will help me stay away from snacking during the day.  In addition, the warm weather we have had recently is taking away a bit of my appetite.  Not to mention, the stress of the end of the school year and the millions of awful things that keep happening to my boyfriend.  I would like to lose at least five pounds before graduation day, which honestly is not unhealthy or impossible.  I just need to be strict.

Since moving here, and especially since I started seeing Allan, I have been eating out much more frequently than ever in my life.  I vow that until graduation, if I eat at a restaurant, a salad it will be!  Certainly some salads can be far from healthy, but that is usually due to fatty toppings like creamy dressings, cheese, and bacon, none of which I ever eat.  Hooray for plants!

And on to more substantial stuff (rather than my ever-present dysmorphic complaining about my weight)...

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine, the only one who knows me in real life (other than Miranda, who I met out in CA!) brought up the post I did a while back where I quoted a pretty inflammatory Facebook remark made by a childhood friend.  The post said something about shaming size 0s and how other people should not be jealous, yadda yadda yadda.  When really, if you read between the lines, the writer is bragging about being super tiny.  While admittedly she is enviably small, she has not achieved that body in a healthy way, and seems to constantly be seeking attention for it.  Sadly, it is likely a cry for help, but at the moment, she seems to push her friends away.  Annnnnnnnyway, what my friend and I subsequently discussed was a bit about body dysmorphia.

I was saying that sometimes I feel like a total fraud, writing this blog, in that I do not have an eating disorder.  I have had periods of my life where I have definitely exhibited disordered patterns of eating, but never anything unshakable.  Furthermore, I have never dropped to a dangerously low weight (I know that is really a bunch of BS, DSM diagnostic crap, but...)  Honestly, the bulk of my problems are all in my head.  People tell me that I am thin on a fairly regular basis.  Objectively, from the outside, rationally, I know I am average.  I have a healthy BMI and I can run miles and miles.  My boyfriend is constantly touting how attractive he finds my body... and yet... I cannot shake the feelings I have had for years about how much better it would be to be a little trimmer here, thinner in the arms, slimmer in the thighs, tighter there.  I look in the mirror and am constantly disappointed by what I see and full well know that the losing weight (or not, for that matter) part is entirely my fault.  What we were discussing, however, is the fact that I think and feel this way really is not my fault.  I think I am just programmed as such.  I am so fortunate that it has only consumed my thoughts and not my actions, unlike so many people in this community.  Maybe it is part of my perfectionist, over-achieving personality.  Maybe the fact that I come off as confident and friendly and outgoing is to compensate for my intense body insecurities.  I wish I had the answers.

I wish I had some kind of solution for all of us.  To get us out of these mind traps that leave us in tears after seeing a number on the scale.  But unfortunately, at least for me, I fear it is never going to go away.  If I cannot toss these thoughts after feeling the accomplishment of running a marathon or feeling adored by another human, than what hope is there for me?  I don't know.

I just hope that in future periods of stress, I am able to keep on the relatively normal path, you know?

That was sort of a long-winded, unclear thought train, but thanks for riding.  My friend said that even if I feel weird about writing here sometimes, and even if I do not have an eating disorder, she thinks I have the capability of helping someone.  I hope that is true.

6 comments:

Tempest said...

We all have different experiences, and yours is just as valid as another person's. I have definite symptoms of body dysmorphia, but have never met the full diagnostic criteria. I have, on the other hand, slipped in & out of diagnostic criteria for multiple eating disorders over the course of many years. It has often been more obsession than action (the whole reason my blog title is "the storm is within").

Your friend is right on all counts.

ruby-tuesday said...

I think this community is about helping each other more than who does or doesn't have an ED
You struggle with your thoughts about your body and you are perfectly entitled to be here, you are a breath of fresh air

And I think anorexia or bulimia is not a weight or a number, it's a state of mind
So many of us feel we don't 'deserve' the title of anorexia because we are not thin enough
But it's out thoughts and behaviours that matter not a number on a scale

You do help people, you have helped me massively. I still have your card up on my mantelpiece .
You are thoughtful, kind and you genuinely want to help others
You are an essential part of this community, don't ever feel otherwise

Sending you love x

Brit said...

I really like your point where you said having negative thoughts about our bodies isn't completely our fault, that we were programmed that way. I've never really thought about body dysmorphia like that. People tell you (and others) that they're thin/look fine/don't need to lose weight, etc. But when we look in the mirror, we see something completely different and are never ever satisfied with out appearance; there's something there that could always use improvement.

Sometimes we feel like having these sorts of thought are our own fault or others think we can control having those sorts of feelings, but maybe we were just programmed to feel that way? I wish there was a way to rewire our brain's programming to make us see the good/positive in our appearance without solely focusing on the negative, you know? I like your thoughts on body dysmorphia. Maybe one day we'll all be able to figure out a way to overcome those thoughts. Rven those who's feelings have only consumed their thoughts and not their actions- we all have something to give, something that could help others.

ꜛⱴאּ Sⱥm ŁupiƝ ҂ said...

weight is an ass
congrats on the half marathon though! your ruunning and ability to run really astounds me :)
yes im sure that we'd agree with him
Vega One soundsyummy i don't know why. why do people's appetites go away when its warm i don't even get it when its warm i can eat ice cream again and i do not crave soup as much
:( okay. if losing five pounds makes you happy, love!
yes that is true about the salad industry
i don't know people who brag shamelessly about being a size anything. i just...don't see the need to do that. whether it be a 0 or a 20, its just depressing and it just adds on more pressure on people to accept this or accept that.
i'd rather you have the actions without the thoughts to be honest. there is just nothing worse than the thoughts, and you just becoming completely displeased with what you see. there is nothing at all for it then, love.
i hope that you don't have to feel any of this again. i know that it seems impossible but there's always light. and everyone has their demons. yours just seem to be clearer than others, and more obvious, but at the same time, more dangerous than most realise.
yeah, i think...that someone will read this, and will try to understand your thought process. for me, i've always done by actions and tried to ignore thoughts right now. which is something so to say. it's something that i'm not quite well used to, you know?
-Sam Lupin

Peridot (G+P) said...

I feel exactly the same. While I have had periods of being actively disordered, I don't feel like I have an ED at all.

I think it's part of the nature of the beast. Even if you're a stair-climb away from a heart attack you still don't think you're sick.

You do have that capability.

You have helped me.

Love you so much Dese <3

Miranda said...

I find it very helpful to read a blog from someone like you who may not have a diagnosable ED but identifies with a lot of ED thoughts. I feel the same way. You are not a fraud. Sounds like things are going okay with the BF. : ) New relationships can be deadly for your diet!

 

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