A little ramble about dysmorphia

I am at a really heavy weight right now.  Even with moderate amounts of running (finished another half marathon last Saturday in under two hours without really training!) and having my fridge empty, I cannot seem to make these pounds budge.

My boyfriend tells me that if this is my "chubby weight," that I am in good shape.  Well, unfortunately I do not agree with that in the slightest.  I want to snap my fingers and say goodbye to twenty pounds.  Obviously, that is impossible, but I just need to get serious about making changes.  I finally got some Vega One shake mix, and the nutrition profile is excellent for the amount of calories.  I think incorporating that will help me stay away from snacking during the day.  In addition, the warm weather we have had recently is taking away a bit of my appetite.  Not to mention, the stress of the end of the school year and the millions of awful things that keep happening to my boyfriend.  I would like to lose at least five pounds before graduation day, which honestly is not unhealthy or impossible.  I just need to be strict.

Since moving here, and especially since I started seeing Allan, I have been eating out much more frequently than ever in my life.  I vow that until graduation, if I eat at a restaurant, a salad it will be!  Certainly some salads can be far from healthy, but that is usually due to fatty toppings like creamy dressings, cheese, and bacon, none of which I ever eat.  Hooray for plants!

And on to more substantial stuff (rather than my ever-present dysmorphic complaining about my weight)...

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine, the only one who knows me in real life (other than Miranda, who I met out in CA!) brought up the post I did a while back where I quoted a pretty inflammatory Facebook remark made by a childhood friend.  The post said something about shaming size 0s and how other people should not be jealous, yadda yadda yadda.  When really, if you read between the lines, the writer is bragging about being super tiny.  While admittedly she is enviably small, she has not achieved that body in a healthy way, and seems to constantly be seeking attention for it.  Sadly, it is likely a cry for help, but at the moment, she seems to push her friends away.  Annnnnnnnyway, what my friend and I subsequently discussed was a bit about body dysmorphia.

I was saying that sometimes I feel like a total fraud, writing this blog, in that I do not have an eating disorder.  I have had periods of my life where I have definitely exhibited disordered patterns of eating, but never anything unshakable.  Furthermore, I have never dropped to a dangerously low weight (I know that is really a bunch of BS, DSM diagnostic crap, but...)  Honestly, the bulk of my problems are all in my head.  People tell me that I am thin on a fairly regular basis.  Objectively, from the outside, rationally, I know I am average.  I have a healthy BMI and I can run miles and miles.  My boyfriend is constantly touting how attractive he finds my body... and yet... I cannot shake the feelings I have had for years about how much better it would be to be a little trimmer here, thinner in the arms, slimmer in the thighs, tighter there.  I look in the mirror and am constantly disappointed by what I see and full well know that the losing weight (or not, for that matter) part is entirely my fault.  What we were discussing, however, is the fact that I think and feel this way really is not my fault.  I think I am just programmed as such.  I am so fortunate that it has only consumed my thoughts and not my actions, unlike so many people in this community.  Maybe it is part of my perfectionist, over-achieving personality.  Maybe the fact that I come off as confident and friendly and outgoing is to compensate for my intense body insecurities.  I wish I had the answers.

I wish I had some kind of solution for all of us.  To get us out of these mind traps that leave us in tears after seeing a number on the scale.  But unfortunately, at least for me, I fear it is never going to go away.  If I cannot toss these thoughts after feeling the accomplishment of running a marathon or feeling adored by another human, than what hope is there for me?  I don't know.

I just hope that in future periods of stress, I am able to keep on the relatively normal path, you know?

That was sort of a long-winded, unclear thought train, but thanks for riding.  My friend said that even if I feel weird about writing here sometimes, and even if I do not have an eating disorder, she thinks I have the capability of helping someone.  I hope that is true.