I must

I realized that it is almost one year since I have been at this horribly high (and I thought abnormal for me... but after a year, well, I don't know?) weight.

I can't take it anymore.

I'm getting married in May.  My dress looks sort of fine except that my arms are enormous - which no amount of weight lifting or push ups or Insanity is going to fix.

I must lose weight.

I must be back in the low 130s.

(Even that number is absurdly high... so what does that make my current weight?  Whale-size?)

I have no choice.

I must.

Another year has gone by

Happy new year!

I have a bit of news to share...

So there's that.  Now we are in the midst of planning a teeny tiny wedding and worrying about immigration.  My holidays in France and London were wonderful and I was able to relax and enjoy being with Benjamin for two whole weeks (which is an eternity for us).  It's amazing that 2014 whizzed by at such an amazing pace.

But where am I now?  Well, I started work again and am traveling to visit my parents/brothers/sister-in-law next week on the West Coast.  I need to begin training for my half marathon at the end of March and I am extremely (perhaps worse than ever?) unhappy with the state of my body.  I am still trying desperately to not spiral into a dark period of restriction and misery, but part of me feels like it is inevitable.  I can't imagine standing in front of my friends in my pretty white dress and being fat.  I don't want to have the most important photographs of my lifetime document this body.  I must be thinner.  I just must be thinner.

I hate how unhealthy my thoughts have already become.  Why can't I be one of those people who never gives their weight a second thought.  Who is healthy and happy and satisfied with their strength and abilities and flaws...  Maybe that will never be me.  Does anyone else ever feel this way? 

Furthermore, I was discussing my sedentary lifestyle with Benjamin this morning.  It is so discouraging that after seven years in university, where I ran between work and class and walked all over campus and the small town where I lived, that I have lost my normal daily activity.  Sure, I can exercise, and I do, but living in the countryside and working in an office is surely taking a toll on my health and have an immense negative influence on my weight.

All of this makes me stressed.  Add in the tiny wedding and immigration issue ($5k+ to hired a lawyer to sort out a green card!  Yikes!) and I am already starting to feel overwhelmed.  I downloaded the Lose It app (which I know will make me obsessive, but I did it despite my better judgement) to record how much I am taking in and finally get a handle on all of this.  

I don't know.  I just don't know.  On one hand I am so happy to be embarking on this wonderful, amazing life adventure.  On the other, I am so dissatisfied with me.

A new month, a clean slate?

Good morning everyone.  For once I am actually feeling like it could be a good morning.

I just returned from the first training run of my three month marathon training program.  Today, I just had to do four and a half miles with two, thirty second sprints after.  I woke up early-ish (6:30) and was out the door in twenty minutes.  The run felt pretty good, all around, except that it must have been seventy-five perfect humidity.  I hope that the humidity lessens as the week goes on.

This weekend was... interesting... Friday afternoon I worked at the yarn store and received an email while I was there from the bride.  The short story, since I would prefer not to publish her email here, is that she blames me for a bunch of things (the most troublesome being that I did not go to her bridal shower, and in fact she said that the girl who sabotaged me's father was in the hospital, deathly ill, and she came to the shower - which I think is warped, to say the least) and did not have a hint of apology.  She said that she vomited when she read the email exchange between me and the other bridesmaids.  Anyway, I am mailing my declined invitation today and this is the end of our friendship.

Then, Friday night, there was a HUGE storm, and 1,000,000 people in northern Virginia and Maryland were left without power, including myself.  Saturday was a long, very hot day, as we waited for the power to come back.  Luckily, our power was returned by Saturday night, though there is a lot of debris and people have much damage and still no power all around the area.

There is not much else going on in my life right now, just working a lot, trying to figure out when I am going to run, and knitting.  Juan has been out of touch, working sixty-five hours a week and his phone is broken.  Hopefully he can fix is soon and talk to me again.  We've been emailing, but it makes me miss him a lot.

My weight is hovering around 135 right now.  Not horrific, but I should have been 125 and continued downward so long ago.  Maybe this training program will help me slim down.  I think losing weight would be good for my joints, frankly.

I hope everyone had a good weekend.  I know Lou Lou got the package I sent her, Dani is back to posting, and Isobel is cleansing like crazy!

Finally, a decent explanation

Time for the full story...

So last Monday, it was clear that Juan was actually on a plane, and actually coming to see me.  I was on-edge all day, but I went for a run in the morning, put on a pretty dress, babysat, drank lots of coffee, put in a few hours at the law firm, and headed to the airport to get him around six in the evening.  When I was standing at the airport, I wavered between excitement, nervousness/nausea, and wanting to run away.  Honestly, I must have been an awful shade of pale green when he finally laid eyes on me, because I honestly felt like I would pass out.

The rest of the week was surprisingly easy, fun, and peaceful.  I had cooked all weekend in preparation, so we had tamales and other treats.  I tried my best to stay under control, but I also try to act normal around Juan - this results in a 3-4 pound gain every time we have a visit.

We did a lot of sight seeing, walking, restaurant dining, wine drinking, and making love over the next four days.  We celebrated his birthday with sushi.  We had a dance party in my apartment.

I told him he needed to talk about his feelings.  He said he came to see if things between us were truly different when we were in the same place, and confirmed that they definitely are.  I suppose he needs to decide if he can work at this long-distance love for another 11 months until I graduate.  I have already waited so long, that honestly, I am fine with waiting some more.  It seems like he is leaning toward trying to put us back together.  I know that being a couple is hard for him - he is fiercely independent, unlike me.  But I also know that regardless of what he says, he can never truly let me go and I am quite certain he has not stopped loving me (though he is unaware of this fact) just as I have not stopped loving him.

Hopefully, we will just continue to repair and rebuild things and continue on.  He is fully aware that I would never move to California without us being married, so he has to deal with some serious commitment issues.  And its not like I do not have any improvements to make.  I need to demand a bit less of the things that are not in his nature, and learn to just relax.

In other news, my weekend, after tearfully saying goodbye at the airport, was entirely too dramatic.  I have not dealt with nonsense of this variety since I was probably 14.

Last summer, a friend of mine who I have known for a few years, asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this July.  I excitedly accepted and have tried to fill my bridesmaid role to the best of my ability.  As most of you know, 2012 has literally been the worst year of my life - Juan broke up with me, school and work combined were becoming a bit much, my school funding was completely messed up, and then my dearest friend went missing at the end of April (she has still not returned, please keep praying).  As a result, I will fully admit that I have not been at my friend's side for all of the details of this wedding.  I was home a few weeks before the shower in May, and organized a lovely group gift with my two best girlfriends from home (one of whom is the maid of honor).  Pauline went missing, and I decided I honestly could not go to the shower.  I was an emotional wreck and wanted to be prepared to leave the country on short notice.  At this point, I was barely speaking to anyone, and I sent the bride a text message with my regrets (she full-well knew what was going on).  Fast-forward a few days, and she called me to confront me about not telling her that I was not attending via telephone.  She said she was very hurt and that everyone she mentioned it to agreed with her.  As you can imagine, I thought she was totally out of line and completely un-empathetic to my life, but I apologized and swallowed my pride.  I even sent her a note in the mail to smooth things over and everything seemed great.

A few weeks after that, I start hearing buzz about the bachelorette party.  Originally, we had talked about a spa day at her hour, with plans to hire a masseuse and someone to do pedicures, as well as cook lovely food and provide plenty of bubbly - a nice, low-key affair.  Well, one of the other four bridesmaids (a friend of the bride's from boarding school) suggested a weekend of wine tasting.  Essentially, this bachelorette weekend has turned into an expensive, couples thing.  She and her fiancé are attending, as are her parents, and in total, 15 people.  While I would love to go, in all, between driving up to NJ, then to NY, two nights in a hotel, wine tastings, food all weekend, and missing work, I estimate the weekend would cost me near $500-$600.  Clearly, for someone living on student loans, this is not possible.  Weeks ago, the last time I was home, I let the bride know I would not be able to attend.  She was disappointed, but said she understood.

About two weeks ago, I found out that the bride has mentioned to her boarding-school friend, who had told the maid of honor, that she was disappointed that she received no lingerie at her shower.  My first thought was that this was kind of petty and ungrateful, considering she had a very fancy shower and I am quite certain she received all sorts of lovely gifts.  Whatever, I thought, I'll try and organize something.  Meanwhile, I purchased two nice bottles of Sofia Coppola sparkling wine to send up to the bachelorette weekend as a surprise, in an attempt to make up for my absence.  Early the week before Juan arrived, I emailed the other bridesmaids saying that I had seen some really nice pieces on a website that I liked and there was a coupon available - would everyone like to pitch in so we could afford something quite nice?  Here are the emails that ensued between me and the boarding school girl...

"I heard we were thinking about getting some lingerie for K as a gift for the bachelorette party.  One of the blogs I read, has a coupon good through this weekend for Eberjey.  Their lingerie is really beautiful in person and VERY soft (I've seen it at Anthro).  I was thinking these might be good options, and with 20% and between the four of us, very reasonably priced:

http://www.eberjey.com/intimate/chemises/gisele-chemise.html

http://www.eberjey.com/intimate/bridal-suggestions/colette-chemise.html

http://www.eberjey.com/intimate/chemises/lady-godiva-chemise.html

http://www.eberjey.com/intimate/chemises/tux-luxe-chemise.html

Any thoughts?

Oh, and since I am unfortunately unable to come to the bachelorette weekend, I got a little something to send along - two bottles of the Sofia Coppola sparkling wine for you all to share with Miss K while you're away!  It's the least I could do, and I'll give them to Danielle this weekend.

-Sarah"

"Sounds good, but in the past, girls tend to each bring their own piece for the bride instead of just one. That way she has a good variety for the honeymoon."

"Maybe I'm mis-informed, but from the bachelorette parities I've been to, no serious gifts were ever given.  From what I've read and attended, gifts at bachelorette parities are typically of the "gag" variety and are more for novelty and giggles than serious, luxurious gifts.  Does anyone know if this is typically not the case?  Maybe I just don't know.

I obviously want this to be a special time for K, but it seems like we are giving a lot of gifts (engagement, shower, bachelorette party, wedding).  Which, when added to the expenses of actually being in the wedding (which as a bridesmaid, I was fully prepared for, and understand completely) it seems to be a lot.  If everyone doesn't want to get something as a group, then I guess we should leave it up to individuals to decide whether or not they want to purchase a piece of lingerie and not make this feel obligatory.  

I feel curmudgeonly bringing this up, but I think this concern needs to be voiced."

"Everything is personal preference. For me, K is an amazing friend who goes above and beyond to make every one of my wedding events special. She has mentioned to me more than once that she hasn't gotten any lingerie pieces, so I personally am going to make sure she gets more than one piece.

I personally don't see it as a hardship to do something for K that I know she'd do for me. Is it expensive? Sure. Does it make spending tight? Of course it does. But is seeing the joy on her face worth it? 100%. If you can't do it, then don't, but frankly you haven't been around much to hear what she's been looking for and would appreciate. So yeah, you're bringing up a point but missing the idea that it doesn't have to cost a million. Walmart, Target, Macys, etc... all have very affordable and beautiful items for lingerie. Doesn't have to be La Perla to be wonderful."

"Of course I want to do special things for K, she is a great friend to me and I want her to be very happy.  Yes, I am not home much, I am in school and working full time, as well as having some serious personal issues in my life that haven't allowed me to travel.  Beyond that I am living on student loans, which makes spending more than "tight" and I have a hard time gauging what exactly K is expecting from us, because she doesn't usually come off as a Target kind of girl.  Not that that is a bad thing, I just know that she likes nice things and I don't want her to be disappointed with something she thinks isn't nice or that we didn't try hard enough (that's not very articulate, but I hope you get the point).  So for me, sharing the cost of something is the most doable way to do it.  In understand if other people don't want to do that.  

Maybe I just find all of the ins-and-outs of weddings/etiquette/traditions very confusing and complicated?

So to wrap this up, I guess, its up to everyone to decide what they'd like to do, we don't have to go in on a group gift."

"I'm pretty sure at the bridal shower you were the one to tell me a group gift was not necessary. So I'm sorry for my confusion and lack of understanding now. There are plenty of cost effective places to buy lingerie and I'm sure K wouldn't be disappointed with anything that came with effort and heart.

Just an FYI, Macy's has some beautiful things that are in the $30-50 range. Not expensive at all but beautiful and they have weekly promotions for 20% off in addition to the sale. "   

Ok, so that seems relatively tame, no?  I was frank, but not rude, and I don't think I said anything bad about the bride, who is my friend.

On Friday night, I was supposed to get together with the bride, and two best girlfriends (one of whom is the maid of honor).  The bride canceled out plans, so the rest of us planned to get together on Saturday morning instead.  I meet my friends at the coffee shop, and give the maid of honor the sparkling wine and ask her if she has my dress.  She proceeds to tell me (very gently, seeing as she is one of the kindest people in the world) that I have been booted from the wedding party.  Initially, it is because K needs a bridesmaid who is more "present" (whatever that means).  I am obviously very hurt, especially that a. the bride did not bother to deliver this news herself, and b. she did not even try to discuss it with me, or frame it in a kind way.  

Needless to say, I come to find out through the maid of honor (God bless her wonderful heart), that K initially wanted her mother (a scary lady!) to deliver the news AND the real reason is because the boarding school friend showed her some kind of edited version of those emails!  I gather she wanted to keep the present a surprise, so she must have showed all of the worse parts out of context and completely sabotaged me.  I did not think that people in their mid-twenties had the capacity to act like this!  I do not even know this girl, and while I have not been the most serving bridesmaid, why would she want to do such a thing?  Furthermore, I STILL have not heard a thing from the bride, now five days later.

I am giving her until the RSVP date to try and contact me.  Otherwise, I will decline the invitation, write a letter to explain myself and defend my character, and end our friendship.  I know all of this terrible chatter about how awful I am is going on behind my back, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.  I just have to wait until she decides to talk to me.  And, I can just imagine that she is expecting me to grovel to her and apologize and beg to be in the wedding.  The whole thing just makes me crazy!  I was trying to organize a beautiful gift for her, how is that interpreted as being a bad person???

Anyway, bravo if you bothered to read all of that dramatic nonsense.  I hope some resolution develops soon, because I hate being stressed over this.

As for my weight, I was just under 137 this morning - horrific.  I am not more determined than ever, to get back down under 130, because if I end up attending this wedding, I need to be in top form.  Under 125 would be preferable, but it is only four weeks away.  I am going to begin my marathon training the first of July, however, and the heat makes my appetite disappear.  Plus, my mother has been harping about how she thinks I spend too much money on food (in my defense, I bought a ton of groceries for Juan, and food here is just more expensive than back home).  In all, I have a bunch of reasons not to eat.

I hope everyone else is having a much easier time, though I know the troubles in my life are pretty frivolous.

Training week two

I will be through with my second week of half-marathon training tomorrow.  I find it very strange that on this training plan, I am actually exercising quite a bit less than I was before hand.  This week was three easy miles on Monday, my bursting class on Tuesday, four easy miles on Wednesday, bursting Thursday, rest yesterday, three easy miles today and five tomorrow.  Unfortunately, this abominable heat makes me want to do nothing, but I got up early to get in my run this morning.  Yesterday, it was 106 degrees at my house... in the shade...  I spent the day with my friend Kathryn, the one who is engaged and in whose wedding I am set to be a bridesmaid next summer (maybe I haven't mentioned her on here before, but anyway).  She has a lovely pool, and even though I was of course feeling super self-conscious, I put on my bikini and swam in the pool and spread out in the sun.  Luckily, I did not get a bit of sunburn and actually tanned slightly.  My calories for the day totaled somewhere just around 1,000.  Obviously I feel like that is too much, but I know it is actually still too little.

My calorie tracker is really helpful.  I can input my exercise and intake so easily, and I know this is going to help me.  Today I made a smoothie and had a mid-morning snack of almonds and I am just under 300 calories so far.  I am going to eat something very small, under 200, for lunch in case I want to have a glass of wine tonight.  My college roommate is getting married on the 14th (hence the dress I am trying to fit into - which miraculously, although I may be delusional, I think fit slightly better this morning) and her bridesmaids took her to a cabin resort in the Poconos for the weekend.  I live just over the river in NJ, so my other roommate from college is meeting me here in a bit and we'll drive out there for the afternoon.  I am not sure what the food and drink situation will be for tonight, so I need to keep it minimal for lunch.  I also think I may have to be in my bathing suit again, so I want to try and look at least halfway decent.

As for my big news, still not quite ready to reveal yet.  Mich, since we are friends on FB, if you look on my wall just over the past week, I know I mentioned it there - if you happen to be that curious.  Otherwise, hopefully I can tell everyone next week.

I hope everyone is having a lovely weekend, and for those of you in the States, stay out of the heat and drink plenty of water!!!

Je suis rentrée

I am terribly sorry for the absence, but I am finally back from my trip to California for the wedding. I forget how much I mentioned it on here, but my friend from graduate school hired me to bake for her wedding outside of Sacramento. My goal was to be 130 pounds or less by the time I left, but I only got down to about 131.8-132.6.

I weighed 133.6 this morning, which all things considered, is not completely horrible. Now, I just need to work extra hard to get down to the 120s.

As for the wedding - it was amazing! My friend, the bride, looked absolutely ravishing. Exhibit a.

My friend is so beautiful and slender. She was the loveliest bride I have ever seen.

My part of the wedding - the cake - came out awesome too! I will have photos soon. I made 100 red velvet cupcakes with vanilla bean buttercream, 100 carrot cake cupcakes with rum-soaked raisins and orange blossom cream cheese frosting, a 6-inch, 3 layer lemon cake with lemon buttercream and chocolate ganache, and an apple pie... and all of it was vegan! Everyone loved the cakes and as a whole, the wedding was a total success.

During the reception, Juan texted me to say that he really wanted me to come visit and that he would buy me a plane ticket for Sunday. I wish he hadn't procrastinated, because the fares out of Sacramento (he lives in OC) were $600 for the next day and he needed me to fly from SFO (which was impossible). It's such a shame, considering a. I invited him as my +1 and he could have loved the wedding, and b. I was only about 500 miles way, as opposed to my usual 3,000. We stayed in touch constantly the whole time I was there, he was acting so boyfriend-ly. Then, last night, he was all cranky and touchy. This is the part I hate. Why can't we just cut out all of this bullshit and be together? And why don't I have enough self-respect to stop him from stringing me along?

Anyway, I need to get my day going - I slept until 10am because I am jet-lagged and I should try to do something productive. Definitely no running today - the humidity is horrific. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Time for a little thinspiration...