Another year has gone by

Happy new year!

I have a bit of news to share...

So there's that.  Now we are in the midst of planning a teeny tiny wedding and worrying about immigration.  My holidays in France and London were wonderful and I was able to relax and enjoy being with Benjamin for two whole weeks (which is an eternity for us).  It's amazing that 2014 whizzed by at such an amazing pace.

But where am I now?  Well, I started work again and am traveling to visit my parents/brothers/sister-in-law next week on the West Coast.  I need to begin training for my half marathon at the end of March and I am extremely (perhaps worse than ever?) unhappy with the state of my body.  I am still trying desperately to not spiral into a dark period of restriction and misery, but part of me feels like it is inevitable.  I can't imagine standing in front of my friends in my pretty white dress and being fat.  I don't want to have the most important photographs of my lifetime document this body.  I must be thinner.  I just must be thinner.

I hate how unhealthy my thoughts have already become.  Why can't I be one of those people who never gives their weight a second thought.  Who is healthy and happy and satisfied with their strength and abilities and flaws...  Maybe that will never be me.  Does anyone else ever feel this way? 

Furthermore, I was discussing my sedentary lifestyle with Benjamin this morning.  It is so discouraging that after seven years in university, where I ran between work and class and walked all over campus and the small town where I lived, that I have lost my normal daily activity.  Sure, I can exercise, and I do, but living in the countryside and working in an office is surely taking a toll on my health and have an immense negative influence on my weight.

All of this makes me stressed.  Add in the tiny wedding and immigration issue ($5k+ to hired a lawyer to sort out a green card!  Yikes!) and I am already starting to feel overwhelmed.  I downloaded the Lose It app (which I know will make me obsessive, but I did it despite my better judgement) to record how much I am taking in and finally get a handle on all of this.  

I don't know.  I just don't know.  On one hand I am so happy to be embarking on this wonderful, amazing life adventure.  On the other, I am so dissatisfied with me.


Ruby Tuesday said...

Oh sweetie
As I said in my text
I am over the moon for you and B
Truly truly delighted for you both
Please don't let your weight ruin what should be the happiest time of your life
I can only dream about being engaged
And I am only just starting to realise how the people who love us don't give a flying f&@k what we weigh
I have seen your photo
And you look like a tiny delicate thing to me
Please don't let your focus be weight
As there is only misery to be found there
I would glad swap my lowest weight to be in your shoes right now
I hope this doesn't come across as dismissive of your feelings
I just want you to enjoy this the most exciting time of your life
You know I love you and care for you
And only want the best for you
I am so looking forward to reading all about your plans
So do keep us updated

All my love x

cursum perficio said...

Wonderful news! I am pretty certain that you will make a beautiful bride no matter what.

AVY said...

No one can tell you it's all in your head, but it is. No one can tell you that you should focus on the happiness, but I'll do it anyway, hoping you'll feel better soon.


Bella said...

Aww, congratulations. What a beautiful photo of you two, not to mention that rock ;)

I'm sure you'll look stunning in your dress regardless of your weight. I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way, but spiraling into a dark period of restriction and misery won't make your happy day any happier. I know it's not that easy, hell, even brides without EDs feel the pressure to lose weight. I just want you to be happy, truly happy.

Lots of love <3


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