I had a pretty great day yesterday - managed to be 131.4 after the gym (ran for 15 minutes and then took back-to-back classes).  I ate a small bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, brussel sprouts for lunch, and then I was foiled!  The coaches wanted to go out for dinner and I ordered a veggie burger.  I ended up eating the whole thing, including all of my sweet potato fries.  Serves me right, this morning I was back up to 133.6 after my 5 mile run.

Today I am eating nice and clean - oatmeal for breakfast (150 cals of oatmeal, 20 of soymilk, and 50 of dried cherries - 220), and a snack of Better'n Peanut butter (100)... sticking to fruit and vegetables for the rest of the day.

I have such a warped view of myself.  The other night I was horribly upset after just having a good-old-fashioned bad day.  I cried when I looked at myself in my underwear in the mirror.  I want my legs to be so much thinner.  I want my arms to be skinny and muscular.  My stomach looks ok about 25% of the time.  And yet, people tell me I am thin and beautiful.  I wear a anywhere from a size 2-4 (occasionally a 6 depending on how the sizes run).  35-25.5-37.  I don't see it at all.  I want to weigh at least 120 or less so that I can run fast and wear anything.  I do want to be healthy, but the weight just won't come off the way I keep eating.  I haven't posted progress photos because I am embarrassed and I don't have a camera.

This week, I have to look into buying a camera - I want an Olympus PEN but I'm not sure if I can afford one.  I also need to work on my knitting.  Annnnd kick my own ass at the gym several times and finally, finally, finally get back to 130 (which I have been talking about for weeks.

I made a tumblr but I'm not totally sure what to do with it yet.

I promise I am trying to be healthy.  It just doesn't seem to be working that well.  I want to be thin AND healthy but they always seem to be diametrically opposed in my life.


sofia said...

i bet even with after that run, a lot of the gained weight is water weight. i hope you reach your goal soon.
thank you for your comment. <3

Tai said...

"I was foiled!" hehe... so cute!

Being thin and healthy are not oppossed, they just work on different time scales. Your measurements are lovely and I'm sure it's the whole ED head-trip that makes you feel you are not those two things but just keep working hard and eating healthy and someday you will arrive. Just make sure you give yourself a break!


Dani said...

i know how hard it is to try and b heatly trust me on that
just hang in there and stay strong hun

Isobel said...

darling it's like you reached into my brain. I know it exactly. Let's promise to be thin and healthy together. I need it! xx

Anonymous said...

Who says you can have both: thin and healthy? You CAN have them both, even though they seem to oppose each other much of the time. I think we all have a warped view of ourselves. I see your measurements and I think to myself, "I would love to have a waist that tiny!" But I know you don't see yourself as skinny. Some people look at the really skinny girls and wish they could be skinny like that as well, when all a long the skinny girls may not feel skinny at all. It's weird how we always see things differently than everyone else sees them. The mirror lies. Our eyes lie. It's hard to know what to believe anymore! I want to be thin & healthy as well- and strong. We can do this together :). I'm following you on Tumblr! Even though I also have no idea what to put on mine either. I created it a few months ago so I can follow other people :)

efflorescentwings said...

being thin and healthy is completely possible. all my friends are like that and they just eat vegetables, but they don't work out. they are all really thin and it pisses me off.
i have a tumblr, but it's mainly for fashion and pictures (aka thinspiration) i shall follow you :]

Mich said...

The foilage doesn't sound like it was too bad--a veggie burger and sweet potato fries is way better than a greasy cheeseburger and regular fries!

Your measurements indicate a perfect figure. :D Mirrors are douchebags.


Peridot (G+P) said...

Hooooboy, Tumblr. That thing calls to me like sweet, sweet colour crack.

Yup, I like to keep them compartmentalized too. Essentially my Blogger and Other (Real?) lives are separate apart from a few cases.

I like the idea of swapping knitted goods! It'll be the next best thing to being able to give you a hug when the mirror and brain are talkin' shit to you.

Have a great weekend. Don't beat yourself up ok?



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