Broken Record

The energy to write has been totally escaping me as of late - in fact, the energy to do much else but school work (of which I am obligated) and sleep and eat has been about all there is.

I spent the weekend with my brother in Seattle.  I had a truly lovely time, ate without worrying about being judges or having immense thoughts of self-loathing.  My brother is also a vegan, and he treated me all weekend - sushi, lots of yummy soy lattes, lunch in a Rastafari cafe, dinner a fancy vegan bistro in Downtown Seattle, strudel in a sweet Scandanavian settlement town, and other tasty things.  We wandered through a zoo, rode the ferry, traipsed all over Seattle and several quaint bay-side island towns and laughed a lot.  I am pretty close with my younger brother and I miss him a lot now that he is across the country.  It was a good weekend, but rather than returning refreshed and relaxed, I just feel awful now.

I was hoping Juan would make it to the airport on Friday during my layover.  We talked on Friday morning, and classic Juan, he waited until Friday to realize he truly wanted to come and by the time it was  "too late" for him to get off work.  I know in my heart that if her really, really wanted to see me, he could have called in sick.  Or better yet, he could have flown to Virginia sometime in the past six weeks to see me.  I am completely delusional when it comes to holding out with a glimmer of hope.

But, as I may have mentioned, he is still holding my belongings hostage.  Again, these are not things to which I attach any sentimental value, but I mailed him his stuff the week we broke up, and these things belong to ME.  So, in a moment of desperation the other night, I sent one of his younger sisters, who I have never met, a message on Facebook, purely with the hope that she could influence him enough to get him to send the package.  He has been ignoring about 80% of my attempts to contact him, so I was at a loss of what to do.  I figured mentioning to his sister would be less embarrassing than having my dad call him.  I finally got Juan on the phone yesterday afternoon to tell him that I had messaged his sister and he totally lost it.  He was so angry - and next to nothing raises emotion at him, so I know he was truly upset with me.  I guess he just thought it was totally out of line and does not want his family involved.  Its strange because we were together for so long and I always felt he might be embarrassed of me, and that why I had only met him mom and never any of his siblings or dad.  He initially just kept saying, "Are you kidding me?" and then hung up.  I called him back, tearful as always, and told him that I had no idea what else to do, since it has been so long and he always ignores me.  He said I needed to be patient.  I told him that I did not recognize this person who just does what he wants without any accountability and no regard to my feelings, especially after having claimed to love me for so long.  He just said he can do what he wants.  I told him he would be alone if he lived his life like that, and he said that was fine.  Absolutely unbelievable.  I cried for a few minutes and ended up a few minutes late to work.  I cried at my desk for a bit when my boss was away from her office.

Last night, I wallowed depressed as ever, ate ice cream and cried and wasted my whole night, not doing any schoolwork whatsoever.

Today has been similar, I slept in really late and have been completely unproductive.  I have eaten WAY too much than is necessary even for a normal person, and given my sedentary day, it is completely inexcusable.  Finally, I am not in the least bit hungry, I just feel empty and sad, so I am not eating anything for dinner and I think I am going to just stay locked away instead of going to the party my roommates are throwing upstairs.

The most incredible thing is that when I started this blog, so many months ago - back in 2010 - it was several months after Juan and I had broken up initially and I basically felt like I do now.  I felt directionless and sad - the only thing I was sure of was going to work each day (for now I have replaced that we school and schoolwork and another job/possibly two).  I have no idea where my life is going.  I am not one of those wildly independent, strong people, who can live life companionless.  I need someone by my side, in my corner, not to necessarily help me with every little thing, but to know that I have a strong foundation that will never shake.  Instead, the man who said I was his everything and who wanted to marry me, gets to move on with his perfect life and leave me gasping for air.  My chest literally hurts just to think of it.  Even worse when I get overwhelmed and cry.

I am sorry to write such horribly depressing things.  And I am sorry that I come across as ungrateful for the wonderful things in my life - a roof over my head, plenty of food to each (even on a "broke" grad student budget), a loving family (despite its flaws), a research assistant position, somewhat affordable education, another job, a car, and a handful of truly wonderful friends (including blogging friends)... I know I am not completely deprived.

I just feel like my heart will never ever recover from this, that I can never trust anyone with my heart - it makes me not want to ever try to find love, to have children, to be around people who are in love... I have no idea how to reconcile the fact that I know, as a person, I need a companion, but the thought of ever going through this again is enough to turn me off to everything.  How does someone whose very livelihood depend on companionship prepare themselves for a life of being alone?  And I know that everyone will say, you have to learn from this, there is someone, somewhere who will love you unconditionally and so strongly that none of this will matter in the end.  Well, the fact is that I do not believe that for a second.  Sure there are people who break up, get divorced, and find love again - but no one admits to the fact that there are also a ton of people who never find anyone else!  That chance at love was the one, there is not going to be another.  Then what?

Sorry for rambling on and on.  Hopefully this awful feeling that keeps my appetite at bay will stick around long enough for me to lost some serious pounds in the next month or so.  I am consistently between 130.something and 131.something every morning.  I plan to start running again tomorrow or Monday, mainly because I know the endorphins help and being lazy disgusts me.  I should have been down to 118 ages ago, its embarrassing.  

Thank you for checking in on me, those of you who have.  And just for kicks, I have a few pictures from the weekend...
This was a 3300lb walrus named ET
Sea otters are my absolute favorite

It's only me at the zoo
The full skyline of Seattle, space needle and all... it looks so small from far away!

A view of Seattle from the ferry
Pikes Market
Yarn porn!
The original Starbucks
Pikes Market sign

This was from a beautiful map shop
I asked the barista to give me his best latte art,
and he made a little devil on my soy latte

The lovely town of Poulsbo

More Poulsbo

My brother put up with a lot of yarn shopping - this was The Churchmouse in Bainsbridge, WA



Jéanne said...

My dearest Sarah,

I am so sorry to hear of your sadness. You were always such a loving and supportive partner, you did not deserve to be treated as you have been. Who knows what truly lies in the hearts and minds of men? Not you or I, that's for sure! I can only recommend that, for now, you distract yourself with your work and exercise and spend time taking care of yourself. You're worthy of anybody's love, but first, take time to love yourself, so you can set the bar for others. You dictate how they should treat you by how you value yourself. You're a strong, powerful woman, Sarah, you can do anything! I believe in you! For now, if you need to be sad for you, do, but don't waste another tear on someone who doesn't deserve them, no matter how much you still love him. You can't start a new chapter in your life if you keep rereading the old one. Unfortunately these things do take time, but happiness tends to sneak up on us when we least expect it and before we know it everything's coming up roses again! Just give those roses some time to bloom!

Your Seattle photos are AMAZING!!! I recognised all the outdoor ones without looking at the captions! Deep envy! I love the photo of you as 'the queen of the lemurs!' So cute! Love that yarn! Love you more. :)

Anonymous said...

I cannot believe how he is treating you - you are such a lovely wonderful person and you do not deserve this at all. The fact that he is behaving like this shows that he does not deserve you. I know that you don't believe you will find someone else, but honestly, time heals and things get better :) until then, if you need support and someone to provide solidity for you - isnt that what family is for? I'm sure they would keep in close contact with you and support you through this so you can get back on your feet again :) and you have us, and although we are just writing on a screen we are all here for you, so you are never really alone :)

Your pictures are amazing btw - I've never been to America, but I want to so badly! Omg origional Starbucks! And I love your hair colour btw :)
Lottie x

Peridot (G+P) said...

Juan is being a COLOSSAL DICKHEAD.

The lemurs were cute, but not as cute as the chick in the picture.

That yarn porn had me hypnotised for about 3 straight minutes. *Drools*

We're going yarn shopping one day, okies?

Endorphins are good, just don't lose you in the process. I'd miss you.

You're NEVER alone. NEVER.

Sorry, its late and work killed my eloquence.

Love you so very very much.


Anonymous said...

Be Patient? WTF. What is there to be patient about. He is being a jerk and he just needs to send you your stuff and stop jerking you around!! Don't even feel bad about contacting his sister. If he'd just do the right thing there would be no problem. I'm glad you had a nice getaway with your little bro. I'm so sorry your heart is hurting right now. I know how you feel! I went through a divorce and now I am with the person I was meant to be with happier then ever. The key is just working on yourself. Don't worry about if and when you will find someone. I know you don't want to be alone but I also know that you won't be "ready" or attract the right person until you are okay being on your own and work on yourself first. You are strong. You'll get through this. Try to find the comfort in the good and the demons will eventually work their way out.

K said...

This is slightly perverse, but I've always come to feel that true love is not what I had after I've given a relationship some time to cool off and I'm dating someone new. I mean, you learn so much about what you want and what love is during each relationship. The next person you choose will be so muh better suited for you. Maybe you will realize you were never in love, just in need of companionship, which hasoften happened to me. Hopefully your next love will live in the same city and will respect you.


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