So anxious

Yesterday turned out to be just a really weird day.

On Tuesday morning, Juan called me from the post office to let me know that he was finally mailing my things.  When my phone rang, I froze and did not want to answer, but I did.  He simply asked me my address and said he would call back.  He indeed did call back, and I am not really sure why - just to make SUPER awkward small talk?

Naturally, this set off some bizarre emotional reactions on my end, just feeling pretty terrible and needy all day.  I texted him a few times, but I chalked that up to him initially contacting me.  I went to bed, had a hard time falling asleep, finally fell asleep, awoke an hour later from a totally creepy-weird nightmare, and texted him immediately.

Yesterday morning, I woke up sort of late and did schoolwork most of the morning.  I was just in this total haze, where I felt completely unfocused and anxious about nothing specific.  I went to my hardest class, took a quiz (which was my highest grade this semester - they are 10 questions, and we've all been averaging 6-7/10, I think I got an 8/10 on this one... which is not even good), had a lecture, and then received my first assignment back.  Combine my low grade (an 83% - I cannot even remember the last time I received a grade that low, and I worked SO hard on it, sent it to my TA ahead of time to look it over) with my overall anxiety, and the second I was out of the building I just burst into tears.  Hopefully, I will do a much better job on the assignment due next week, but it just turned out to be a lousy day.

I wanted to wake up early this morning, but getting out of my warm bed in my freezing apartment and just feeling sort of run down, left me lying there until 8:30.  Therefore, I did not get my act together and do yoga or go for a run.  Tomorrow, I think I have time for both yoga and a run, so I am trying not to be super stressed about it.  I have managed to loose the majority of my fitness by taking two months off from running.  My chest muscles are not entirely healed yet, but I have that 10 mile race in April, so I need to just get back into it.

Fortunately, the weird feeling I had all day yesterday left me without much of an appetite.  I was 130.6 this morning - the lowest in a few days.  I guess I should mention the feeling hasn't really dissipated much today, so maybe I'll have another lower-calorie day.  At least it makes me feel a little better.  For breakfast, I had a small orange, a handful of pomegranate seeds, about 1/2 cup of homemade granola, and a gigantic glass of water.  Since I ate so late, I'll plan on two meals today - my second will be before my class meeting at 3:15 - I have lettuce I need to eat, so I'll make a good sized salad.  I need to remember to drink more water, and try to have three mugs of green tea.  Tea always manages to calm me, which on an anxiety-ridden day is a good thing.  I have my two easier classes today - US/Global public health systems and public health management... the first will be a long lecture and the second, short 10-min project progress report presentations and lecture afterward.  I know I am doing well in both of those classes, so that's a relief.  I am pretty certain that the way I have been scoring in my Infectious Disease class (from yesterday) will leave me with no chance of an A by the end of the semester... meaning I can kiss my 4.0 goodbye.

Sorry for being so weird and negative today.  Olivia-Lee wrote a very powerful post yesterday about trying to channel some positive thoughts and visions, so that we don't turn ourselves into what we don't want to be through negative self-talk (that was a terribly confusing way to summarize her point, just go read it, you'll understand).  She is right, that each of us is beautiful in our own way, we all have talents and skills, and lovely parts of our personalities that other people will love and appreciate.  It's really hard for us to see it from the inside, but its true.

Oh, and one last thing.  As I've done for the past several years, I am making some Lenten sacrifices.  I am not Catholic - I am some variety of Protestant that I'm not even totally sure of, mainly because I find organized religion and religious people to be very judgmental, and Christ's teaching are predominately about love and encouragement (i.e Remove the plank from your own eye before removing the speck from your neighbor's eye).  Anyway, I had Catholic roommates in college and I thought the ritual of making sacrifices each year during Lent is a good way to cultivate discipline, self-reflection, selflessness and help put more of your everyday thoughts on God.  (And, even if you don't believe in a god of any sort, those aren't bad things to work on, so please don't judge.)  So, as I typically do, I like to relinquish something material and something immaterial.  This year I am giving up snacking - kind of an odd thing to do, but I think I mindlessly eat sometimes to keep myself company.  Instead of eating in between meals in a vapid attempt to fill an emotional void, I need to put more trust in God and cultivate good relationships with people.  As for immaterial, I am giving up criticism.  This includes self-criticism - I have already failed miserably on my first day (came home from class yesterday, hopped on the scale for the, um, 5th or 6th time that day, and cried, my head swimming with thoughts of being so fat and how I shouldn't have eaten), which for a body-dysmorphic person is quite difficult.  I also need to refrain from criticizing others.  I do it out of concern and coming from a place of helpfulness, but sometimes people just need support, not help.  In past years, I gave up gossip, and I have come to rarely do it anymore, as a matter of fact.

Is anyone else giving up something for Lent?  If you are, I hope you consider the true reasons why the practice is in place... it's not about losing weight.  Just a thought.


Jéanne said...

You're one of the few people who actually gets the message of Christ's teachings. The world needs more people like you! A spiritual practice is good for body, mind and soul and I heartily commend you on your decision to develop one! May your practices bring you much peace, joy and enlightenment, Sarah! All the best for the coming week. Light and love. :)


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