One month to go

Less than a month has passed since my last post, but much has changed...

I have one month to go before I return to the United States, and I am determined to make it worth while.  Since I last wrote, I spent a weekend visiting friends in Munich and have returned to the beach (rough, I know).  I started Insanity at the beginning of July, which was been going ok so far.  This week is the "recovery week" and I am truly trying to rest. A lot of the jumping has been irritating my hips/hip flexors.  Additionally, we have had some lovely, breezy weather the past few mornings, so I have been running. The combination is a bit much for my joints today, so I am taking some I unscheduled rest. Maybe if I feel good tonight, I will do the recovery video, as it really is less intense.  I do not have a scale, but I am fairly certain that I am the same size as when I arrived... Meaning too heavy, obviously, but that is better than gaining.  I think I am somewhere right around 140 lbs, which is my upper limit.  My ultimate dream is to be 118, which seems forever from now.  But, for the next three weeks I am trying to be extra disciplined in preparation to go back to Munich.

Which brings me to my next bit of news...

So Munich. Around the 18th of July, I ventured to Munich to visit Pauline's boyfriend (obviously he is not her boyfriend anymore, but they were dating/living together when she disappeared/died). We all had a lovely (and kind of crazy!) weekend together and because I arrived the night before everyone else, and left the afternoon after everyone else, I had the chance to spend some time with Benjamin, just the two of us.  Well, after all of that, I guess if come as a great surprise to us both that it was incredibly difficult to part ways at the airport.  The entire weekend I thought he was flirting with me, but then I just chalked it up to me being a little crazy and him being suuuuuuuuper nice.  Au contraire... Since then we have been chatting and Skyping with great regularity and it is clear that he he very interested in me.   I honestly cannot say enough good things about him.  While the situation is unconventional, to say the least, I hope our friends will be ok with it.  Pauline and I had a lot in common, so many is not so surprising that we like each other? And on top of that, Benjamin and I have shared this horrible, unspeakable experience together.... It's a very difficult thing to explain to someone, and frankly unless you have experienced it or something similar, I believe it is impossible to understand. S even in the face of great tragedy, I suppose we have been brought together.

So where does that leave me? And Allan? And Benjamin?

Well, last week, I called Allan and broke up with him.  It was not my intention to end things over the phone while I was in Europe, but I also felt it unethical to perhaps get involved with someone else before tying up the loose ends with Allan.  To say that he was angry and upset is a major understatement.  I know we weren't together for long, but he felt very strongly about me.  I have never broken up with anyone, so I hope I managed to do it in a kind way.  Today, in fact, I am going to the post office to send him a small package... I knitted a sweater for his new little baby that should arrive any day ow, I bought her sweet little booties in Paris and a beautiful wallet for him in Italy.  In addition, I wrote him a letter to explain some things and one fully alleviate some pain.  I am so sorry to have hurt him, but I hope with some time he understands that this was inevitable and necessary.  Maybe if we met five years in the future, it would be different.  But the facts remain hat he is still married and having another baby, this week.

And in the meantime, Benjamin very very kindly bought me a plane ticket to go back to Munich on the 23 or August.  I will be there ith him for a week, we will head to a party at our friends in Amboise (south of Paris) and then to Paris for a few days before I go home.  It feels a bit dreamy in fact, and at the moment three weeks feels like an eternity.  I must say, it feel so good to be all full of butterflies.  I am nervous as all get out that after spending some more time ith me he will realize that A. I am not all that exciting/fun/cool/loveable and B. long distance relationships are a little crazy.  Obviously, I will have to wait and see. But for now, I have stumbled on some good fortune and I am trying to enjoy it.  He's a total catch... Smart, gorgeous, French, has a job and an apartment, nice family, so polite and maybe the kindest person I know.  And we have a lot in common... We will see...

So what else?

I am just trying to not feel guilty about spending another month sans employment (I search every day and am constantly applying).  I have a lot of down time to visit the beach and knit, which even though logically it makes me feel super guilty, I know that it is good for healing my soul and I have she rest of my life to work.  I am also trying to let go of food and weight hangups, which is sort of-not really working.  My head is still a mess, and there have been days where I refused to go to the beach be ause I did ot want to be seen in my bathing suit.  But then yesterday I ran in my sports bra and spent the afternoon in my bikini... But then this morning I caught a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror and cannot help but compare myself to my impossibly tiny host mother/aunt/cousins girlfriend... It's a constant mental back-and-forth.  It hasn't really affected me eating, per se, which I guess is healthy.  I et three square meals but no snacks (the French don't reply do snacking), and mostly vegetables and fruit.  I am also eating bread and cheese, which I never do in the US, which is probably why I haven't lost anything.  In preparation for Munich, I am going to exercise as much as I can... Insanity, running, swimming, and stick to salad and tea.  I think I can do it.  And even if I don't really lose weight I know it will make me feel better.  Pauline was insanely petite, so I cannot help but compare myself to her too.


I have been reading everyone's blogs (though not watching vlogs because of my spotty Internet connection) but without Google reader I am finding it more difficult to comment... From my tablet, it irks, but from my phone (which is what I mostly use to read), I can't figure it out.  I have been keeping up, though! Please don't feel ignored, friends.


I hope everyone is enjoying their summers... August always goes by in a flash for me, whether I am on vacation or working or anticipating a new school year... So no matter what you re doing, I hope you can pause and enjoy life for a little.  As for those of you in wintertime down south, I'm not sur that all applies... Just have a cuppa, ok?

Much love.


3 comments:

ruby-tuesday said...

Hey my lovely, great to get an update
It seems a lot of change is happening for you and a lot is going on
I got your second postcard, thank you
It's so nice to get post

I'm glad you have met someone that you truly click with
I just worry that you feel this connection with him because of what you've both been through
I don't want to be a party pooper
I guess what I'm trying to say is just be careful
Your heart is precious

Yay, for not letting food and weight get in the way of you enjoying yourself
I often think we are better off not knowing what our weight is
Ignorance is bliss and all that

Enjoy the rest of your summer
You are right, all too soon it is over

Take good care of you

Much much love x

Nasimiyu said...

Just keep having a good time, luv! xo

Peridot (G+P) said...

OMG I GOT BOTH YOUR POSTCARDS AND THEY ARE AMAZING AND I LOVE THEM AND I LOVE YOU!

Ugh, I hate achy hip flexors. Keep your hips tucked under so your glutes and quads pull their weight too, ok?

Ugh, you didn't miss ANYTHING on my last Vlog. I was an incoherent hysterical mess. Not cool.

Wooo knitting on the beach! GO YOU GOOD THING!

Love you so so so so so much. Take care of yourself and have as much fun as you can ok?

*Huggles*

 

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