A bit of a break

What a week.

I know that in reality I have very little to complain about.  I have a roof over my head, a family who loves me, friends, I'm pursuing a masters degree in the field of my choice, and am honestly quite blessed.  My problems come from a serious lack of personal strength and independence.

Not that I am a totally weak person - it's just that I draw all of my strength from co-dependency, if that makes any sense.  I am strongest when I am in a committed romantic relationship and my friends and family are near.  When I feel supported, even when I am facing hardships, I face them head on.  When I feel lonely and isolated, I feel and act completely incapable.  I just know that if Juan was in my corner, I would be able to handle everything that life throws at me without a hitch - without him, I cannot be the best version of myself.

So this was midterms week, hence why I was quite absent from commenting and posting, for that matter.  I had exams Monday and Wednesday, assignments, presentations, and a bunch of meetings and work to do for my research assistantship.  On top of being stressed about schoolwork, finances constantly hang over my head.  I found out this week that the professor I work for, who is the chair of my department, is no longer going to be the chair.  He is being "demoted" to a normal faculty member, and thus there is a possibility that he will not be able to hire me as his research assistant next year.  On top of that, he really wanted to find funding for me for the summer to work on a gigantic project - which I was thrilled about and relieved to have found a secure summer job.  Now, everything is up in the air and it makes me so anxious.  Couple those two things with being completely heartsick and I am a bit of a mess.

Juan and I had a "good week" - if you can call it such a thing.  I know that everyone thinks I should just do my best to kick him out of my life and forget him, but for me that would never be the right thing to do.  I need to be 1,000,000,000% sure that there is nothing there - and to me it is obvious that there are feelings left.  I was able to say some things to him this week that I needed to say... about how I felt that I put too much pressure on him and I scared him away.  I wanted to plan together so we would both be comfortable.  I would no longer be scared of losing him and he would not feel so pressured to be serious.  In classic Juan fashion, he listened to everything I had to say but did not give me a good feeling of how he felt back.  Maybe this weekend I can get a better response from him.  He keeps talking about how he has been thinking of visiting.  He says he misses me.  There is nothing more that I want than to see him.  Even if it did not ultimately mean our reconciliation, we have not seen each other in nearly six months.

So weight/eating wise, I am also a bit of a mess.  I had some happy/stressful days this week that led to me throwing caution to the wind and eating way too much.  This morning I was a horrifically embarrassing weight.  I did, however, run 9.3ish miles and felt pretty nauseous all day, so I have not eaten much.  I am really hoping that tomorrow I will be back to 130 at least and then I can work harder at getting down from there.

After spending the rest of my day (after my run) in bed with a stomach ache, I decided to get dressed and go see The Artist.  It was so delightful and the lead actress was so elegant and lithe and makes me want my hair to grow!  I think I only need two more haircuts before all of the brown, dyed hair is gone (it grows in dark ash blonde, so I luckily don't have horrible roots) and my blonde hair will be back and I can grow a cute, fashionable bob.  I want my legs to finally be thin a lovely looking in short hemlines.  I will get there eventually, I know it.  I could be this chic...