The saddest journey

So, I have returned from my short trip to France.

There really isn't very much to say, other than the trip was so incredibly sad in a way that I cannot describe with the words I know.

My heart is permanently broken.  I have lost the two great loves of my life this year.

Hopefully with a little time, I'll feel more of a desire to write and let my feelings out here, but for now, I just... I can't...

Thank you all for your kind comments, emails, messages on Facebook, thoughts, and prayers.  I know that some of you have had the unfortunate experience of losing someone very close to you and can relate to my intense sadness.

I forgot about the blog I tried to keep about all of the things I love about France.  There are only a few posts, and most are totally irrelevant, but I wrote a lovely account of the summer I met her, here.

For those of you who might want to read what I wrote to my darling Popi, here is the letter I read and buried with her...

My Honey,
Do you remember that bright summer day seven years ago when we first met? I was incredibly nervous as we drove to the airport, and I cannot even imagine how you must have felt sitting on that plane about to embark on such a grand adventure with complete strangers. My mother always says that we sat in the back seat of our car and did not stop talking for a second the entire ride home. The funny thing is, that day is the perfect illustration for how quickly our unbreakable bond formed and why I will never have another friend like you.
Even though I have only had the privilege of seeing you every few years, whenever we are together, our sisterly bond reignites immediately, and I wonder how I was getting on, all that time, without you by my side. I have never known someone with whom I felt so instantly comfortable and secure. You are the only one I trust with my innermost dreams, knowing you will guard them and keep them safe. Pauline, you have brought so much joy into my life with your humor, kindness, and generosity. What will I do without you?
As your friend, I promise to hold on desperately to the many memories we have together, both significant and silly. The parties, Christmases, and birthdays, young love, so many shared delicious meals and glasses of wine, road trips, inside jokes, singing songs at the top of our lungs, trying to learn Spanish in the car, writing letters and sending packages, Skyping from every corner of the United States and Europe, and lots of laughter, tears, hugs, and kisses. Through all of it, I know that our hearts and souls are forever tied together – something that will not cease even though you have left us.
As your friend, I promise to continue to love and support your amazing family and friends, who have so graciously accepted me into their fold. I will make your parents and grandparents proud. I will treat Guillaume and Mathilde as my own brother and sister, and try my best to guide them and support them as they grow as young adults. I will reminisce with Benjamin about the wonderful times we shared with you. I will support Marmotte, Kevin, Nem, Anne-So, Ceclie and the rest of our friends as they grieve, and make sure we all honor your life by exemplifying your love of life and adventurous spirit.
I hope you know how truly loved you are, Pauline. You will be indescribably missed by every person whose life you managed to touch in your 24 years. While we will be filled with a deep sorrow for the rest of our days, I know that even now you would want us to look back on your life and smile.
I love you more than you can even comprehend, my sister from across the ocean, juste en face de New York,
Je t’aime toujours,

Paris was as grey as I was, the other day


Belle Svelte said...

i hope you are finding things that make you smile and laugh. that I think is the only true medicine at times likes this.

slowly, but surely, things will move and it'll be different. You'll be happier, and that is something to look forward too.

Here is to happiness. That what it's all about.

Claire said...

*massive hugs* I'm glad to hear of your safe return.
Your words were perfect my dear.
When you want to blog know we're here but don't feel the pressure to.
I hope you feel yourself again soon. You will smile again- try to remember all the things that make you smile.

Peridot (G+P) said...

I want to hug you so badly right now.

The hurt never really goes, but in time we learn to hold it in such a way that we can continue. Keep the memory of her alive in your heart, and that way the best of her will live on.

Love you so much. Please look after yourself ok?

Arohanui <3

ruby-tuesday said...

I wish I could wrap you in a hug right now, you have been through an incredibly difficult time

The letter you wrote is so beautiful, you two were so obviously best friends

I'll light a candle for Pauline today
May she rest in peace x

Miranda said...

I can't even imagine the pain you are going through right now. A friendship like that never truly ends. She'll be with you always. Stay strong as you can but cry if you have to. It will take time. Hugs!!

sofia said...

so much love and so many hugs. youre letter was beautiful. i would be proud to have a friend like you.

stay strong, my dear. <3

AVY said...

I don't know what to say, this is life. It hurts the most when you think you've found happiness and then loose it. Hugs.


Stick Thin said...

I wish I could hug you! I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope you find peace and comfort soon.

I am also sorry I find the need to come back to this ED. I wish i was braver than this. Its hard to deal with loss, and I have never dealt with the loss of anyone super close until this year.



Design in CSS by TemplateWorld and sponsored by SmashingMagazine
Blogger Template created by Deluxe Templates