Exhausted

My head is spinning.

This semester has been so incredibly busy.  Between my four part time jobs, internship, classes, trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship with Allan, and sneaking in a few minutes here and there for running and knitting, I am spent.

Looking on the bright side, I handed in (and passed!) my final paper (essentially a mini-thesis on a health disparity, only 15 pages 1.5x spaced, size 11 font.  Which is honestly not enough room to write about all of the things I needed to write about, but I digress...).  My poster for my practicum presentation is off at the printer and my final quantitative paper is handed in.  I said my goodbyes at my internship and finished the revisions on a paper I co-authored and sent to a journal.  Even though I am still busy, at least the end is in sight.  I will be so grateful, even by next week, when things really slow down.  Once I pass my quantitative methods exam I will be set to graduate.  While my program overall was not as challenging as I may have preferred, I know that I made the best of my coursework and experiences during my internship.  I began applying for jobs in the past week and the contacts for a position I applied for in Zambia (for a research assistant on an HIV/AIDS project) already reached out to my references.

As for Allan, well, it is infinitely complicated.  His life is just so. damn. complicated.  Just when I think things really cannot get any more messed up, something else happens.  Between us, everything is lovely.  He treats me so well and I feel very comfortable around him.  It is just sad that we are probably not going to work long term.  Among other things, he is still officially married (separated and working toward divorce) and his wife is pregnant with his child, due in August.  Yeah.  With two older kids already.  I know.  I know.  But, for the time being, I think he has helped me realize that I deserve to be in a relationship that is fulfilling with someone who is kind.  Juan treated me so poorly in the end and I thought that I could sacrifice something to make him change that.  And for Allan, I see myself as a bit of light in his life.  He is always caring for others and responsible for the wellbeing of so many people that I know no one ever stops to take care of him.  Even if it is only for a little while that I can be his confidant and cheerleader, I am more than happy to do that.  I will be very sad to leave him when I go away.  It is surprisingly difficult to prepare for our separation.

People keep asking me if I am excited to go to France for the summer.  The truth is, this too is complicated.  Of course I am looking forward to it, and there is no doubt I will have fun.  It is a once in a lifetime opportunity before I begin my career, to take three months to disappear.  Yet, at the same time, I am visiting this country I so dearly love without the person in it who I most dearly love.  I miss my Popi so so so so much.  I think about her every day and this summer in her home, with her family, is going to be healing but challenging for me.  Having such a close friend die is unimaginable.  The only thing worse would be a spouse or a child.  And to die in such a tragic capacity, there is no rulebook for processing this.  I try to talk about her often (usually referring to her morbidly as "my friend who died") because it makes me feel like she is still here.  I don't know.  Some days I wake up and forget she is dead.  I guess what I am trying to say is that I still have been unable to deal with this well and I need to go be with her sister and brother and parents and grandmother and friends.  It is selfish, but I need to do it to be able to find some peace.

On the weight front, things are in shambles.  I have made a million excuses (and have been legitimately physically exhausted and sleep deprived) for not running as regularly as I must.  I continue to eat in restaurants with my boyfriend and fail to pack modest, healthy meals when I am running around in a million directions.  The result?  I am still ten pounds above my comfortable weight and way more than that above my UGW.  I guess it is good that I have not resorted to restricting, but looking at my fat face and pudgy thighs in the mirror makes me cry.  It is such a strange thing to juxtapose my internal attitudes with the ones that Allan voices.  He constantly praises my for the way my body looks and clearly has an appreciation for a curvier woman (I am not really curvy, just pudgy in the wrong places) in line with predictable Latino stereotypes.  I am feeling less and less confident about the way I look (which was not so confident to begin with), regardless of what he says.  My friend's wedding is just two weeks away and it will be a miracle if I can even lose a pound or two given my current state of affairs.  This summer I know I will be less stressed and experiencing my life in a different way.  I am positive that will help me slim down a bit.  The constant stress cannot be helping this situation, right?

And last, but not least, a thank you to those who weighed in on the drama from last week.  I stopped reading the blog that no longer wants my presence and I wish her well.  I find it odd to put all of your private business and feelings on the internet, leave the opportunity to comment open to the public, and then become irate when someone comments at all.  If I understand what happened even somewhat correctly, it was not only what I said but the fact that I said anything at all that was a problem.  In the end, I do not know this young woman in "real life" and I know she could care less about who I am.  I value the friendships I have made through this blog, especially with a small core group of young ladies (you know who you are).  I value to the perspective of this group of people who come from such diverse life experiences.  I need you to ground me and steer me when I am too timid to talk to even the people who know me best (maybe that is the problem?  They know me so well that I am afraid to admit certain things?).  Merci beaucoup.  Grazie mille.  Muchas gracias.

Hopefully, I will survive the next 17 days before I move my things temporarily back to my parents' house.  Graduation.  Celebrations. Leaving the colleagues and friends I made.  Packing and moving.  Tearful goodbyes with Allan.  Oh, and of course I am running a 5k on the day I move.  Because I didn't have enough to do, right?

5 comments:

ruby-tuesday said...

You've had a tough year sweetheart
A lot has happened and it is probably just hitting you now
Im sure the summer will be difficult without your best friend
Maybe you could find some way to honour her memory
Whether it's getting together with her family or doing something yourself

Despite being upset I hope you relax this summer and get some peace of mind

Thinking of you today

All my love x

Miranda said...

Wow. Your life has been very busy indeed. I would simply not be able to handle it. Sometimes people come into your life for a certain reason or just for a certain time period and sometimes it's sad but maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. You probably helped each other through hard times and even if it's not long term you learned something from it. Can't wait to see where life takes you next.

TK said...

Yay for finishing school!

working in Zambia! that's an amazing opportunity! Good luck!

I came across something a while back and I think it might interest you. It's an article about why women shouldn't run. Now it's an article title to grab your attention but basically it goes on to say that steady state cardio (like for marathon training) can actually become counter productive for women. My friend (she's a personal trainer) posted this article on FB and it sparked a huge debate amongst her peers in the industry. Ultimately after all things were said and done, the consensus was that women need to change up what activity they are doing to stay fit. Perhaps HIIT and adding in strength training might help you shock your body into a change.

I would suggest changing things up AFTER your race though.

You can find the article here:
http://www.dangerouslyhardcore.com/5343/why-women-should-not-run/

Peridot (G+P) said...

OMFG YOU'RE GOING TO BE PUBLISHED IN A JOURNAL?!? 'Scuse me while I nerd our and fangirl all over you :p

I hope things become slightly less complicated, but I'm glad you FINALLY learned that you deserve to have healthy, happy-making relationships :p I'm grateful to him for that alone!

Switch up your exercise program every few months to stop you getting bored and your body from getting too used to it, ok?

Got no more brainpower. Love you to bits Dese <3

Jéanne said...

Gees, it never rains, it pours, eh?! Sounds so familiar! I wish you all the best for your graduation, your relationship with Allan, the wedding, the move, the marathon and your trip to France. I hope your visit with Popi's family gives you the closure you need. Thinking of you. Much love. :)

 

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