A first

An unfortunate thing happened today.  Perhaps I have been naïve to the ways of the internet, but I finally came across my first nasty interaction via this blog.

Several of the blogs I read, I have been following for quite a few years.  While most people sort of come and go, there have been a few who have persevered.  One of these blogs I have enjoyed reading has chronicled years of adventures from university to foreign cities, personal philosophies to heartbreak.  Most of the time I read in silence, but every once in a while a post strikes me and I feel the need to say something out of concern and an odd sort of friendship.  The things I have mostly decided to respond to have referenced a man.  A man who even years after being apart, continues to have a hold on this young woman and manipulate her feelings.  Having read a lot of the tale, I have always felt sort of protective, I guess.  The most recent entry detailed yet another saga of his manipulation, and I thought I was making a blunt, but well-intentioned and certainly not cruel comment.  I thought I was clear that I basically wish her to be free from his torture.

Apparently what I wrote really upset this writer, and I am at a loss of what to do.  What was written in response is lengthy and says a lot of things about me that are pure speculation.  The instructions were never to comment again.  References were made to my life that is apparently problem-less, thus leaving me unable to understand or empathize.  She even mentioned a post aI wrote ages ago, mentioning her and her blog, saying that I wished for people to send love and good thoughts while she was going through a hard time - those wishes were apparently not genuine and blasé.

Honestly, I am wounded.  I have kept this blog as a place to share experiences and vent frustrations, and tried to leave kind, helpful, albeit sometimes brutally honest, comments - the kind I know I need to hear - on other blogs.  In this instance, I really, truly did not feel I was crossing any kind of line.  And I am deeply apologetic that what I said was interpreted as such, since that obviously means I was wrong.

I don't think this person is a reader of mine, so I guess she will never see this.  It just makes me sick to think someone has written horrible things about me in a public space, even if my identity has not been revealed.  I know it is about me, and that is enough.  I know that in truth, I am a loving, forgiving person, who often gets her feelings trampled on by others but is full of opinions and concern.  I know that I have experienced things in my life that may seem small to some, but that I would never wish on anyone else.  I know that I have worked very hard my entire life and combined with a bit of blessing and good luck, that has led me to where I am today - able to pursue my passion and enter a career of public service.  I know that I love my family, friends, and animals fiercely, and even when I think my heart is broken with no more love to give, I manage to find some more.  I hope that I have never given anyone else the wrong impression or hurt any of you.  I'm truly sorry if I have.

Does anyone have any advice?  I don't think I can make this right.  And I'm not even entirely sure it's my fault.


ruby-tuesday said...

I'm sorry that this happened sweetheart
To me it sounds like you may have hit a nerve with this girl and probably got closer to the truth than she is willing to admit
She got defensive which means she was in a bit of denial about her situation
I know that I appreciate honesty on my blog
Even if it is hard to here
I think a real friend will tell you the truth because they care
It's easy to agree with someone but it takes courage to be honest

I would say give her some time to cool off
She probably knows that you are right but just can't admit it to herself yet
Try not to take it personally
She is probably more angry with herself for putting up with her situation
You came from a place of care and concern and she will recognise that in time

I know you did the right thing so just keep reminding yourself of that
I definitely appreciate your honesty and candour

I hope this hasn't upset you too much

Take care of you x

PrettyLies said...

For as long as I've been reading your blog, the only impressions I get about you as a person are good ones. You work harder than most, you go to school, you maintain a good social life and seem like a very endearing friend (what happened with your late friend-even in a different country, I haven't seen a lot of people be so passionate). Yes, weight is always an issue, but you fucking run marathons!! Anyone that does that is inspiring in my book, especially as I'm becoming a "runner" with training for this 10k. I don't think this person has real, deeply thought out anger towards you, it was probably just a bad comment in the heat of the moment. I agree with Ruby, maybe let her calm down, give it a week or so, maybe comment again only saying nice things, not showing how upset you are. I hope this passes, but just know that you sound like a really awesome person to me :)

Miranda said...

The only thing I can say is that sometimes people get very defensive and being that they are "in" the situation they cannot see the comment objectively and see it only as a stab at them. I'm sure that sucks because obviously that was not your intention. If I were in your shoes I would want to let this person know that I did not intend any ill will with the comment and apologize that it was taken that way. Then, do as she asks and never comment. I probably would have to stop following the blog because it would just make me upset about the situation. If she read your blog she might now that you would never be cruel.

Emily Carter said...

Without knowing what the situation is, what you said, or what she said back it is hard for me to give any specific advice. What I will say is that when it comes to love and relationships people don't always act rationally. It may be that what you said hit too close to home and means something different to her than what you meant. Whatever the reason, I do think it is important for you to apologize privaley if possible and leave it at that. If she wants anything else she will come to you, just let her know the door's open. If the door isn't open and you want to move on then just leave it at an apology. In the end I don't think it matters if you think you did something wrong, it is just important that you apologize for the misunderstanding and her hurt feelings. Good Luck!

P.S. And I also would suggest that in your apology you do not justify anything you said; just keep it simple.

Seeking Something Else said...

I was going to say what some of the other comments have also mentioned. The person is probably unable to hear the truth and lashed out at you. I would write a very sincere apology along the lines of this post (or link to this post if you don't mind her coming to your blog - could be good or bad if she's still mad). And then, yeah, don't comment any more if she's still unaccepting.

And remember that yes, you are a good person, had the best of intentions, and you can not control the reactions of other people.

Peridot (G+P) said...

What I think is that this person didn't want to hear what you said, because they're looking for sympathy and not constructive advice. They reacted in an immature and hostile manner because they're probably thinking the same thing deep down and don't want to hear it from others.

They THEN proceed to go flying off the handle with raging ad-hominem attacks and baseless assumptions, it is really fucking pathetic behaviour. Utterly self-centred and juvenile.

This kind of human behaviour is such a pile of immature bullshit that it makes me spitting mad. Reacting emotionally without stopping to think causes so much needless pain. They are NOT the only person in the world who is hurting!

What they did and said says more about THEM than it does about YOU. They have to evidence to support their attacks on you, which makes them "baseless accusation" in the words of politicians. If they had read your blog and some of the shit you've had to deal with in the last year then they would KNOW they haven't a leg to stand on.

I don't think there is any way to make this 'right', as it is all on them. I would suggest pointing out how immature they were and how their claims are all invalid and then unfollow them so you don't have to deal with the bullshit any more. Of course, I haven't invested years of emotional energy in the person so that is just me :/

I love you and your honesty and I think you're fantastic. If you can't rely on your mates to tell you when your behaviour is getting you in the shit, then who CAN you trust?

Love you so so so much Dese *Hug attacks*

Jéanne said...

We've been Blogger buddies since 2009 and in all that time I can honestly say that I have never found you to be rude or offensive in any way. You have always been nothing but kind and caring and very compassionate as far as others are concerned.

I must agree with Peri, she didn't want to hear the truth. I believe she is desperately dependent on her destructive relationship and your wishes for her freedom from it clearly frightened her and filled her with anxiety and that's why she lashed out so. You did nothing wrong.

I would chalk it up to experience, cut your losses and move on. Don't give it a second thought. You were just being kind and got a slap in the face for it. You deserve much better. :)

Claire Virgona said...

Ditto to the above. You did it with good intentions so beating yourself up about it seems futile- you had her best interests at heart. In time she will see this.

Don't question yourself or take on this negativity. You're bundles of gorgeous- we all know that. Don't let some comments made in anger take that away.

I would just let her calm down and see how it goes, perhaps when it's had time to settle you can comment again, but if she really doesn't want you to then it may just be best to stay quiet.
Good Luck xx

Jenn said...

This makes me sad. I haven't been keeping up with my reading, or commenting, or being a supportive person to the friends on here. But I logged on and specifically looked up your blog because I consider you to be SUCH a GENUINE and sweet person. I wanted to see what you're up to. Some people just don't (can't, won't) understand when you comment, or thru electronic correspondence. Its just the nature of it. Im so sorry this happened.

Lot's of Love to you from Oregon


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