Just breathe

I really have become such a sporadic writer around here in the last year or so.

So...

The last month was a mix of ups and downs.  On the 6th of September, Benjamin arrived.  On the 7th, I crashed and burned at my marathon (really, it was an utter disaster).  Then we spent two blissful weeks going to a wedding, seeing movies, hanging out with his parents, hanging out with my parents, having important conversations, and drinking wine.  On the 20th, I drove him back to the airport and off to France he went.  I spent the next several days crying off and on.  I went to another wedding without my date, but still managed to have a great time (despite a minor crisis the morning of the event where I had nothing to wear, since I have gained weight and nothing fits).  I finally set up an appointment with a nutritionist and am going to see her on Wednesday (more on that in a bit) and ran twice this week.  I have also been riding my bike to work on occasion.  Oh, and to top it off, yesterday I was in a complete panic when I realized that I had finished my pack of birth control one week ago and still has not started my period.  I usually get it two days after the pack is finished.  I took a pregnancy test and it is negative.  I am just going to wait another week, if it does not appear I will visit the doctor for a consultation and possible blood test.

So here we are.

I am insanely nervous about meeting this nutritionist on Wednesday.  She had an eating disorder when she was younger and currently specializes in nutritional counseling for plant-based diets and those who have emotional issues/disordered eating patterns.  Her intake/history form was approximately six pages and it was difficult to be honest.  But, I know I need to be honest, because my body is out of control at the moment.  I cannot have another breakdown in my room when I realize that all of my beautiful clothes no longer fit or I get on the scale and see a horrific number that I swore I would never see in my life.  I am also trying to be reasonable and rational and approach this with help.  I know that if I do not have someone's help, I will end up fasting and restricting and being more miserable than I am at the moment.  I am a bit proud that I am trying to address this in a healthy way, for once.

For the rest of the weekend, since yesterday was just a whole bundle of stress, I am trying to relax a bit.  I cleaned and did some laundry, ran a few errands, and treated myself to a soy latte and new yarn.  I have been knitting up a storm lately.  I wish I could socialize with someone, anyone tonight... it would be better than being alone for the second evening in a row.  For the most part, being sad and stressed makes me want to be in another human's presence, not isolate myself.  Or at least, the isolation makes me feel worse, not better... I don't know.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a horrible place, yesterday was just complicated.  Fortunately, Benjamin is amazing.  He was calm and reasonable, as always, and did not seem scared in the slightest.  He just said if I end up being pregnant, we will adapt and it will be great (not fine, but great).  Bless him.

Just trying to remind myself to breathe.