New year. New me?

A new year. A time to start over and make changes.

We do it every year, don't we? We decide to eat this, not eat that, adopt this new exercise regime, fit into these clothes, practice yoga, relax, save money...

I cannot say that I am immune. I made a list of resolutions with the usual suspects making the rounds. I think I am finally in a good, stable place in my young adult life that I can dedicate the time and energy it takes to losing the weight I want for good. I re-started Insanity, and my goal is to make it through to the end (I stopped just a bit short last summer). I am signing up for a marathon in May, so I will start training for that in February. Additionally, I have made a ton of travel plans, including another trip to France in February. Things with Benjamin as just so. damn good. He and his family allowed me to have an amazing holiday and I am constantly surprised by how smoothly this all operates. (And as a side note, I was able to see Pauline's grandmother and get everyone their presents after all. It was clearly painful for her but it was so good to see her.) He is not afraid of the future at all, he just makes plans. He already bought his plane ticket and took his vacation for May. We planned out our entire year of travel (you can all remember how it was like pulling teeth with Juan, and he could never commit to anything and barely wanted to communicate with me at all). I just cannot wait until May to see Benjamin. Four months is too long, and since I can barely afford the ticket, I feel like it is money well spent. I made a budget for the year so I can really make a good dent in my student loans. In fact, considering it is just the beginning of January, I feel like I am off to a great start and have plenty of momentum to carry me through.

But then, again, I am still dissatisfied with the same old, same old.

I came home from France about one pound higher than when I left.

Unfortunately, that one pound is at the utmost highest limit of my weight range. I literally want to crawl out of my skin and take on another body. Perhaps this constant discomfort will finally, finally lead me to reach my goal...

I found a food/weight diary from around the time when Juan broke up with me, January 2012, and I was so disciplined. I was comfortably under 130 pounds and eating in an extremely controlled manner. I have started my food diary again, but I know I am still eating too much to lose weight quickly. Reading my intake at the end of the day, however, is a wake up call... as is having to get on the scale and write that number down in black-and-white. I have to make a change. I am tired of being so unhappy and uncomfortable with this aspect of my life. Enough is enough.

Maybe I need to start recording it here too? I know that recording intakes/weights can be very triggering for some people, and that isn't my goal. Perhaps my little notebook is enough of a conscience for now. I do not want my blog or actions to impact anyone else.

This post is becoming such a rambling mess.

I promise that for the most part, I am feeling good. I am happy. I am settling in well with my job and things are amazing with Benjamin. I wish I had more social opportunities, since I live in a really rural area and only have a few friends here, but I can handle it. I am excited about Insanity and training for another marathon. I ran a 10k in France that went extremely well considering I had barely been running, so I'm excited to see how I can improve my marathon time with some dedicated effort.  My travel plans are coming together - France in February/July/Christmas, and Benjamin is coming in May (we are going out to northern California and up to visit my brother in Seattle), August/September and November. It's just this one, final thing that is always nagging.

Why can't I just have the genetics/discipline/good fortune to not be fat?


Bella said...

It sounds like you've made some great plans for the year, especially the travel ones! I'm really glad that you were able to see Pauline's grandmother, even if it was difficult, I'm sure she appreciates the thought.

It's awful how just one pound can trip us into another mindset and make us feel so uncomfortable, even though we logically know it's just a number. I used to post my intake, but ultimately it was too stressful. I constantly worried about what people thought of me, especially after getting several hurtful anonymous comments. I know it can provide accountability, but I find having a notebook works nearly as well because it gives a physical reminder.

Take care dear, and do keep us updated. Wishing you all the best for the year ahead <3 xxxx

K said...

Have you heard from Juan at all or does he know how happy you are? I hope he does and feels some regret over how he treated you.
Losing weight fast isn't all it's cracked up to be...always ends up coming back! But. Writing it down is definitely a good thing

Peridot (G+P) said...

I've been considering setting some sorts of goals for the year, but I dunno. I feel weird doing it and I don't know why.

Accountability is good, so long as you don't let it drive you into behaviours so bad they kill you.

Where the fuck has my discipline gone, too? I think it ran off with your somewhere. If you see it, send it back to me? I need to get my cardio back and stabilise my shoulders again. FUCKING HELL.

Love you Dese <3

Lilly said...

i have been reading your blog forever. just wanted leave a trace, some love. I love how you write about your life.

Miranda said...

Travel plans are awesome! Long distance relationships are really hard so you do basically have to live trip to trip. When someone wants to see you they will! It's that simple. Glad the relationship is going well. As for weight-I hope this is your year to take control of it.

Mich said...

Sweetie seriously you're not fat. I've been facebook buds with you for quite some time and you have never been fat.

But there's still nothing wrong with trying to eat healthier and exercise, so I hope that's going well. ;) I am always in awe of you and the marathons.

YES, we must make hangout plans! I have no life, so I am available pretty much all the time....


Peridot (G+P) said...



Lol, yes Nana I'm taking it easy. (Nana b/c Mum doesn't say nice things much) :p

OMFG YOU HAD GODOT INFLICTED YOU YOU TOO?!? I swear we need to have a 'Godot Survivors Support Group' or something XD

Love you and miss you <3


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