Hey, over here!

So where have I been?

Yes, I know it’s been a while.  I suppose it is actually a good thing that I haven’t felt the need to haunt around here too much in the past months.  In all, my posting has been sporadic for more than a year, but the reasons for that are good ones.  Not good in the sense that they are well justified, but good in a way that my life is feeling complete and fulfilling enough to leave me feeling whole and supported.  Good in a way that I no longer break down in tears over the fact that my pants don’t fit or the number on the scale is much too high.  It’s still a relatively new feeling, but I certainly like it.

I don’t want to give all of the credit to my husband for this revolution in my thoughts, but it is obvious that he is the biggest positive influence.  Getting older and maybe a little wiser is surely helping too.  Of course I would still love to be much, much thinner.  Of course I still get insanely jealous when I see girls who are thinner and more beautiful than I.  Of course I have moments of sadness and frustration when I realize that just a few years ago I was fifteen pounds lighter, thinner, and in better shape.  But then I realize that my life can still be happy and full without those things; that my ability to contribute good things into the world is not contingent on my dress size.  It feels good to be appreciated and loved for who I am and what I have to offer.  Everyone deserves to feel that way and it’s the greatest crime in the world that so many people go through life without that.  And that’s not to say that I think this feeling needs to come from a husband or wife or girlfriend or boyfriend.  I think our blood relatives and friends (the family we choose!) can play the same supporting roles.  The feeling of unconditional love and support leaves you at the same time more vulnerable and open (in a good way) and well as stronger to give your best to others.  It’s honestly an amazing thing and incredibly protective against the horrible negative thoughts that plague so many of us around here. (Disclaimer: I am certainly not trying to claim that having good relationships will fix all ED struggles or related mental illnesses… but good relationships certainly help and maybe for me, a person not too deeply consumed, it is enough to keep me healthy)

So my wish for all of my community sisters (and brothers if you’re out there!) in this holiday season and upcoming New Year if for everyone to have a life filled with love and support.  While that love may often present itself in challenging and at times difficult ways, I hope you can be open to receiving the love you deserve.  When I think back to the years I have lost self-loathing and the sort of horrible self-hatred I often read on our blogs, it honestly makes me sad.  I know there is more to life than that. We all deserve love and some measure of happiness.  So to make it through the holidays, please try and love yourself; ultimately, you are the one who has to protect you and fight for you. And when your friends and family try to show you their love and care – be open to receiving it.  You deserve it!  And if you feel like you have no one, please know that this is not true.  This community proves that you are not alone and that you are loved.  

It’s incredible to me that I can feel like I truly know and love girls who are literally across the country (Lulu! Miranda!) and the world (Ruby! Bella! Piggy! Peri! Cursum Perficio! Avy!), or even around the corner (Mich!) who I’ve never met in person.  My heart breaks and swells when I read your posts or get your emails.  I feel genuinely invested in your lives over the years, even if our communication is sporadic and mostly electronic.  I hope you don’t find me phony or shallow.  I want the very, very best for all of you.

So I suppose that is what is new around here and a good way to wrap up the year for now. All the best for the rest of December and to a healthy, blessed, and love-filled 2016.