All over the place

My life is all over the place right now.  Combine that with the fact that I have not written a thing in more than a month, and I think we may have a long post to come...

Let's go back to the half-marathon in June.  To be honest, it was a complete disaster!  I am not really sure exactly what happened, because I felt mostly prepared and very good the day of the race, but before I even reached the second mile the whole thing went the pieces.  My legs were on fire from before the second mile marker, and not in the sense that I felt unstoppable.  No, I just had pain everywhere.  Everywhere.  By the time I reached mile six, I was sure I could never finish, so I just needed to make it to the midway, turn-around point and I could exit the trail.  Unfortunately, when I reached the mid-point, there was no way to exit the trail and drop out of the race.  So I turned around and thought that I could go back to the last aid station and drop out there.  Well, somewhere around mile eight, my legs finally loosened up.  By that time it was hot and humid and I was sort of shuffling along and walking a bit, as opposed to running.  I started to pick up the pace and then take a few walk breaks (I was starting to think I might seriously injure myself and derail my entire marathon training program) and finished in just under 2:20.  My personal best for a half marathon is 1:52, so obviously I was incredibly discouraged.

Since the race my training has been going ok.  Not great, but I am making my way through the program.  I had been suffering from anterior shin splints and some serious tightness/tendonitis in the backs of my lower legs/achilles tendon area.  I have been incorporating a bit of swimming and recently changed shoes.  Hopefully, the small changes I made will help get me through the last 5 weeks of my training and I will be ready on September 7.  I am quite certain, however, that I will run this race slower than my last in 2012.  I have lost speed on my regular easy runs.  I used to feel comfortable at anywhere between 8:30 and 8:50-minute mile paces and now even running under 9:00 miles feels like it takes work.  I guess time will tell.

At the end of June I spent a week in France, which was incredible.  We toured the Bordeaux region and stayed in Sauternes.  Our B&B was in the middle of a prestigious vineyard and we had an amazing time biking around and drinking wine.  The night before I left, we watched the Germany-France World Cup with some friends and then it was time for me to sadly return to the United States. Fortunately, Benjamin will be here in September and we will finally have the opportunity to spend two weeks as a normal, real couple.  We are not traveling, I only took a few days off of work, we are running the marathon and going to a wedding, and generally just having a bit of normalcy.

Work has been going well.  My promotion is being delayed because of bureaucracy, but at least I am busy and employed.  I am working on some important projects and I feel like an asset to the agency.  It is nice to feel like the director of my office finds my ideas useful and important, and that I can actually try and make changes to better our service to our citizens.  (Wow, that sounds a little hokey, but it really is the way I feel.  While a lot of people become jaded working for local government, I think it is nice to see the direct impact of your work in the community.  When you work for the federal government, everything is so intangible.  When I work on a program, I get to know the people that the program serves on a daily basis.  I find that encouraging!)

And then we have the ever-present elephant in the room... my weight, my eating, my lack of discipline.  I have been perpetually upset for the past, well, six months at least, that my weight is so damn high.  After spending three months in Europe last summer, eating with abandon, drinking wine, and somehow gaining only two pounds, it is insanely frustrating to be where I am now.  Before my trip to France, I contacted a vegan nutritional counselor who has an awesome blog that I love.  She is based in New York and has a history of an eating disorder.  I must wait a bit to contract her services, as they are a bit expensive and I need some repairs done to my car.  I am hoping that in September, however, we can work together and she will be able to help me lose weight in a way that will not make me insane and keep disordered behaviors to a minimum.  I know I need to do something drastic... the other night I had a bit of a breakdown when I sort of got stuck in a small dress that I like to try on to gauge how muchI have gained.  It was humid and I was sticky, so the fabric just would not slide up over my shoulders (it is a strapless dress and I have to put it on head-first, I cannot step into it).  I started to cry and was thankfully eventually able to get out of the dress without damaging it.  But honestly, besides seeing how fat I am in the mirror and in photos and getting stuck in a dress, what other signs must I see to know how ridiculous I am?  I may be relatively fit, but I simply weigh too much.  I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.  I feel unworthy of Benjamin's affection.

Then, the past few weekends, I spent time with my dear group of friends, and there is one among us who is absurdly thin and beautiful.  Seeing her does not really make me jealous, because I obviously respect and adore her, but I cannot help but feel inadequate and ugly next to her.  And, on Saturday, I went to a gathering and saw my former friend who kicked me out of her wedding.  She was there with her new baby and husband.  And while she may not have shed her baby weight yet, she has an excuse.  I, on the other hand, am massively fatter than I was the last time she saw me.  I cried before I went to the party.  I am so embarrassed.

On top of that, I had an incredibly stressful Sunday night.  I do not want to publicly detail the event, but there was a great deal of conflict with a friend that was entirely not my fault.  While everything has since been resolved, I felt horrible yesterday, so what was my solution?  Drown my feelings in food!  This vegan made a real cheese pizza and ate a good portion while watching television.  Why is it so impossible to have a healthy relationship with food?  With my body?  Why???



So there is all of that... I know have said this a million times, something must change, now.