So much for that

So Avy was kind enough to remind me that I have been quite absent around here as of late.

Well, it started off great after my last post.  I was in this good, strong, determined mindset.  Really, I was feeling confident and pretty carefree.  And then…

I guess that feeling lasted a little while, but the past week has been incredibly stressful at work and I know I have gained.  Add to that some triggering comments and realizations from a friend and my short-lived confidence is waning fast.

All of the tiny moments where I look in the mirror or feel the extra flesh on my side.  I just cannot take it anymore.  I want to be thin again.  I know realistically, statistically, clinically, I am fine.  I am normal.  I am "healthy."  But each time I see a photograph of myself or catch a glimpse in the mirror, those sublet, sneaky feelings of ugliness and fatness (which given my feminism should not be equated in my mind, since being fat is not ugly and does not determine one's worth) have returned.  Maybe there really is no escaping them after all?

So what am I to do?

For the moment I am trying to focus on the bare minimum.  Work, which has been insane the past week and will not let up until next weekend.  Benjamin, because he is the purest, most shining light in my life.  And finally, controlling this ridiculous appetite I seemed to have re-acquired.  I am no debutante here, I know how my body needs to be retrained to work on less and finally see the scale ticking downward.  While the results will not fix all of my problems, I know they will quiet those loud thoughts of self-doubt that have crept in.  Even though it is a vicious cycle, for now I can handle it.  I deserve to be a look at feel better.  And at this size, I never will.

My first goal is a deliciously gorgeous silk dress that I would like to wear for Easter.  Besides the fact that my arms are massive and lack any definition (an issue all in itself), the dress is simply too tight across the hips to be worn in public.  By the end of April, it will fit comfortably.

Mark my words.


4 comments:

Miranda said...

Sorry that top of the world feeling okay about yourself feeling was short lived. You can get back there! You did it once right?

Bella said...

I feel you on that one... that feminism collides with a lot of ED thoughts, but wholeheartedly believing both. Like, "weight does not determine ones' worth... but it does determine my worth".
I'm sorry to hear the past week's been such a struggle... You can escape those thoughts, you did for a while, and you can get there again. Please don't forget that it is possible to achieve that positive, strong mindset, even if you're not there right now.
Take care of yourself love. Come back and update us again soon?
xxxx

Peridot (G+P) said...

Something like this is with us forever. We get better at ignoring the bullshit thoughts but when we're already on shaky ground they can be louder than we like.

Please look after yourself as much as you can Dese. I love you to bits and pieces and want you around for the long haul.

*Huggles*

Calla Lily said...

I am confident in your ability to climb back up. Remember that in order to fall, you have to have climbed first!!! i like that you have a goal and a reward in mind, that helps me focus too. XO

 

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