In my head

So the dress definitely fit a little better than the beginning of the month, but not nearly well enough to wear in public.

I'm not sure what to do.

My brain is so dissatisfied with my weight.  But I have been writing and griping about this for years. YEARS.  I have lost years of my life to these stupid body dysmorphic thoughts.  And for what?  Literally nothing.  My weight has fluctuated in the same ten pound range since 2009.

And now, for the most part I am content with my life and cannot be bothered to focus the energy I need on restricting and losing weight.  It used to come naturally, especially when I was feeling frazzled and distressed and lost.  But now (thankfully??) I am gainfully employed, in a blissful relationship, and have a much less stressful life, I have lost the need for this stupid coping mechanism and cannot manage to control my weight in a healthy manner.

I assume that I will encounter periods in my life when I will lean on my eating issues to cope with stress and difficult times.  I will not be surprised in the slightest.  But for now, I guess I should be grateful that I am generally feeling ok, even if I do think I am too fat.

In other news, I have been a bit ill in the tummy department.  I have had digestive distress for about a month so I finally went to the doctor and they are running tests.  I think everything will be fine, but it will be good to have it sorted out.  And would you believe that even after a month of that, I have yet to lose a pound?  It's a cruel world, I tell you.

Hmm, I also ran a 5k this morning in just over 25 minutes, so I was pleased with that.  And I am definitely running a marathon in September.

And Benjamin arrives this week - we are going to California/Oregon/Washington and I anticipate we will have a splendid time together.  I am so excited to just see his smile and breathe him in on Thursday.

Maybe I should think about closing this blog... I don't know... I love reading everyone else's blogs, but I feel as if I have nothing worthwhile to contribute at this point...

Maybe I'm just feeling particularly weird today since it's the anniversary of Pauline's disappearance (and presumably her death)...


ruby-tuesday said...

It must be so tough today to know that it is the anniversary of Pauline's disappearance, I am thinking of you and Pauline today.

But I am glad to read that you are worrying less about food and weight.
It's such a pointless exercise and we waste so much precious time worrying about what we look like.
Maybe someday we will all realise that we are perfect just the way we are. Wishful thinking eh?

So lovely to get an update and I for one would really miss your blog if you closed it. You contribute so much with your beautiful writing, you truly do.

Take care sweetie, much love x

K said...

I feel the same way about my weight. We just fight the same fight over and over.
However, the 5k time is amazing. And I can't wait to get to that point!!

cursum perficio said...

I don't think I've ever commented before, but I read your blog every time there's an update. Don't stop, I want to know that things move forward for you, as they actually seem to do.

Bella said...

I'm glad to hear that, for now at least, the ED thoughts are a little less loud. You're right; it takes a lot of energy and gives little back, and you have so much more important things on your plate right now.

Please don't close this blog. I love reading your posts and hearing how you're doing, no matter how few or far between. If you feel you have nothing to contribute at the moment, maybe step outside for a while, but please don't lock the door behind you.
Also, everything you say is worthwhile. Never doubt that.

I actually did have an etsy store about five years ago! I sold a couple of vintage repro aprons and a bombshell dress, heh. At the moment I don't think I could keep up with the pressure (real or self-imposed). A lot of people mention fashion design to me, but I have no interest in it, strangely enough. My real passion is more along the lines of costuming, corsets, and historical reproduction. I'd love to work in a museum one day, but an earlier step would probably be theatre. Fashion and general clothing bore me. Even sewing things like skirts for myself is more a chore than anything else, but it's the only way I can get clothes that fit properly. I'd rather spend months making an elaborate costume with no intention of anyone ever seeing or wearing it :P
I'm actually quite jealous that you knit, by the way. I can't stand knitting or crochet, I dunno, I guess it's just not for me but I wish it was.

I hope the doctor figures out what's wrong with your tummy so you can feel better soon, it sounds nasty. Sadly I also become greatly disappointed if I don't lose weight while sick. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and sending lots of love and hugs. Enjoy your little trip with Benjamin! <3 xx

Peridot (G+P) said...

I'm so glad to hear that things are going well for you and you don't currently have a need for that shitty coping mechanism that kills us.


Love you to bits Dese <3

Jenn said...

1. Please don't close your blog I love it so much

2. I live in OR if you ever pass thru again we can meet up if that's not weird



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