So just when I thought I was feeling sort of ok-ish?
I received an email from Pauline's grandmother yesterday morning telling me that she thinks seeing me this Christmas will be too painful for her, now that I am dating Benjamin. (For anyone who is not following along, Benjamin was my dear friend Pauline's boyfriend for a long time. They intended to be married sometime in the next few years and were living together when she went missing. Also, I spent the majority of my summer with Pauline's grandmother, who I call Mamie, and I think we did a lot of healing together.) I obviously understand that this is a difficult time of year -for me too, I especially miss Pauline now that a year has passed since we buried her and Christmas is coming. I also understand as she wrote to me in this email, that is is shocking for people to see us together. She also indicated that she feels like she is betraying Pauline in some way.
As you might imagine, while I understand how she feels, I am so so so sad. I love this family as my own. Frankly, I was closer with Pauline than my own older brother. Benjamin and I both love Pauline and that will never stop. I know I don't have to repeat this all here, but I think its probably not an appropriate thing to say to her or try to explain? I am trying to decide what to say and I need to reply soon. I carefully chose Christmas gifts for Mamie, Pauline's parents, her sister (who is quite upset with me after the summer), and her younger brother, and given the circumstances I guess I will just need to deliver them and dash off. Even if they do not want to see me, I do want to offer them the gifts I chose - giving gifts is an important gesture for me. Pauline and I always sent each other wonderful Christmas boxes with gifts for each other and our families. I want to hold on to that. In addition, I love giving gifts to my family and closest friends, its a tangible expression of love. I hope that I am able to deliver them and still respect their wishes in the process. I'm not trying to hurt anyone.
And to make matters worse...
I went for my employment physical yesterday.
I have eaten very well over the past 10 days since Benjamin returned to France. I had a banana and coffee for breakfast yesterday, soup and an apple for lunch. I arrived at the doctor and of course he wanted to measure and weigh me. He asked, "You you know how tall you are and what you weigh?" I replied that I was a bit over 5'7" and probably weighed more with my winter clothes and boots than I do at home, and I asked if I should take off my shoes. He told me to leave them on. I hopped on the scale and he said, "You're definitely under 5'7" to which I jestingly argued, "Are you sure that's accurate, I've been measure enough times before to know I'm a little taller than that." Then I looked at the number on the scale. I could have broken down in tears. He asked, "Is that good or bad?" I said, "Eh, its ok, it should be a little less," and we moved on.
I can't write the number I saw, but it is indelibly recorded in my brain. I was devastated. Obviously, given the circumstances, I knew it would be high. I knew it. But that high? I just can't. Especially going into this season of excess. I just can't. It's giving me anxiety about my trip.
Thank goodness I can easily avoid unnecessary eating at work. I have to get this under control. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
8 comments:
Hello dear friend,
First I want to thank you for the beautiful card you sent me while I was in hospital, it made my day to hear from you
Pauline's family will probably need some time to adjust to the news of you and Benjamin together.
Be patient and I am sure they will come around.
As for seeing the number on the scale, I'm trying hard to realise that those little numbers on a scale don't define us and shouldn't measure our self worth, please don't let it measure yours
Hope you have a lovely Christmas and that 2014 is your year.
Much love dear freind x
ugh! doctor weigh ins are always devastating for me lately. It's awful. That is very sad to hear about Pauline's family not wanting to see you. I'm pretty sure you understand because I think you had a hard time with it at first too. I hope they can come to a place of peace with that. Hopefully they will come around and they just need some time.
It's sad that they don't want to see you for Christmas. As Ruby said, it might take some time for them to come to terms with the news. I think it'd still be appropriate to deliver them their gifts, especially seeing as it's been a tradition. Giving gifts, to my family especially, is an important gesture for me too. Maybe ask if it'd be better to pop in on Christmas Day, or another day in the week?
I'm sorry the doctor weigh-in didn't go well, especially so close to the holiday season. Please try not to let the anxiety overrun your trip, though I know it's much easier said than done.
Thinking of you xx
I don't know how much will be appropriate to tell her. At least say you understand and while it hurts you do understand and will respect her decision, and that you will drop off gifts as you want to continue that tradition on Pauline's behalf?
Sorry, I'm brainless right now.
Love you so much <3
Peri, you're not brainless… this is what I wrote:
Mamie, je suis désolée que tu sens comme ça. Je n'ai jamais imaginé que je serais sortie avec Benjamin. J'espère que tu comprends que pour moi c'est impossible de remplacer ou oublier Pauline, et pour lui aussi. Je comprends facilement que tu sens, mais j'espère que avec le temps ça va mieux entre nous. (I am sorry you feel this way. I never imagined that I would be dating Benjamin. I hope you understand that for me it is impossible to replace Pauline, and for him as well. I easily understand how you feel but I hope that with time things will be better between us)
Je suis triste que je ne peux pas te voir a Noel, mais comme j'ai dit, je comprends. J'espère que je peux vous emmener vos cadeaux (et t'enverrai un texto pour dire qu'ils sont a cote du portail) a la maison et ne restes pas. Si vous ne voulez pas ouvrir immédiatement, je comprends, vous pouvez prendre le temps. Mais c'est important pour moi de vous offrir tout ça, parce que pour moi vous êtes ma famille et c'est Noël. C'est un saison difficile pour moi aussi - Pauline me manque énormément et mon frère est toujours dans le sous-marin. C'est rassurant pour moi que tu comprends ça vraiment. Je voudrais vraiment de vous tenir fort, même si c'est difficile. Je ne veux jamais de vows blesser. ( I am sad that I cannot see you at Christmas but as I said, I understand. I hope I can bring you all your gifts - and send you a text that they are outside the gate - to thé house and not stay. If you do not want to open them immediately, you can take your time. But it's important to me to give you all of these gifts because for me you are my family and it is Christmas. It is a difficult season for me too - I miss Pauline so much and my brother is still on the submarine. It comforts me to know that you truly understand this. I really want to keep you all close to me, even if it is difficult. I never want to hurt you.)
Merci a toi pour m'expliquer tout ça, aussi. C'est mieux pour moi de savoir. Je t'embrasse fort, Mamie. Je sais que c'est difficile, mais je t'aime fort. (Thank you for explaining all of that to me, as well. It's better that I know. I am sending you big hugs. I know it is difficult, but I love you very much).
At the doctor's if they want to weigh me, I always stand facing away from the scale so I can't see. It makes it much easier.
I'm sorry about Pauline's family. Like ruby said, I'm sure they just need time. We don't really choose who we love when it comes to relationships--it just happens.
I hope you can still enjoy the holidays. <3 ...no Elf for me tho, thanks. I'll take A Christmas Story instead. ;)
And YES, we should try and plan something when you come back, that would be lovely!!
P.S.
Oh man I am in NO way done with my christmas knitting. I need someone to lock me in a cage with my knitting and the Diehard series and disable my access to Tumblr D:
How about you? Still going or all done?
Wow... sounds like it's going to be a bit rough this holiday season for you. I always have to buy things for the people i love too, so i can't imagine how i'd feel if they didn't even want to see me at the time of year known best for giving gifts.
Don't let the scale get you down, dear. I think we're all feeling that way right about now, but we'll get through it, and we will fix it. *hugs*
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