Drained

This week has pushed me to the brink.

I went home to visit my friends and family last weekend.  I felt great, ran 12 miles on Saturday and had a nice time overall.  But, even with that mini vacation, a pile of stress just keeps getting bigger.

First, I let my friend who is getting married this summer (I am a bridesmaid) that I am unable to afford to go to her bachelorette weekend.  Initially, her party was going to be a laid-back spa day at her house.  The maid of honor and I were going to cook tasty food, serve champagne cocktails, and hire a masseuse and manicurist to come for the day.  Sometime in the past few months, the bride completely changed her mind and arranged a weekend in the finger lakes of NY to go wine tasting.  Obviously, this sounds divine, but between driving up and back to our home in NJ, the van to NY, the hotel, the wineries (and I suppose pitching in for my friend's accommodations), and missing two to three days of work here... I just cannot do it.  I was terrified to tell her, but I stuck to my principles and did not allow her to persuade me otherwise.  I would love to go and I feel bad, but it's just not possible for me. (I cannot even stay at the hotel where she is getting married in July, because the place is so extravagant!)

Next, the end of the school year is gearing up.  I did not run a single day this week because I have either been at work, in class, or trying to dig myself out from this giant hole of schoolwork that I managed to fall into.  In the next three weeks, I have three exams, an article review, policy analysis, outbreak plan, health intervention proposal, case-series proposal, and a finally presentation to do.  That is my normal schoolwork, and in addition to that, I have data collection, writing, and number crunching for my assistantship.  I was up until two in the morning last night writing my case-series proposal on nosocomial sepsis in neonatal patients.  Hopefully, I will finish that by this afternoon, then get started on my article review and outbreak plan.

I am also kind of nervous about next year's finances.  Through me department, I have a research assistantship which pays just enough to cover my rent for the year.  Then, they were able to give me an out-of-state tuition waiver (for those of you not familiar with our system in the US, we have state schools that are public, but if you are not an official resident of that state, you pay a much higher tuition cost) that allows me to borrow about half of what it would cost me otherwise.  The budget is really tight throughout the university this year, so I am extremely nervous about them not granting my out of state waiver and having to borrow double what I have planned.  Being thousands of dollars in student debt makes me incredibly anxious, even if it will be ultimately worth it.

And the last two things I need to unload... Juan and I had been continuing to talk ever since we broke up in January.  Things were strained and weird, but occasionally we would have some really good days and flirt and even Skype sometimes.  Well, this week, he told me he does not want us to talk anymore.  He initially took the position that he thought it would be better for me so that I could "move on."  The truth is, I find the entire notion of him dictating such a thing, deciding what is best for me after breaking my heart, and even implying that I can just "move on" incredibly offensive.  I have loved him from the bottom of my heart from practically the day that I met him.  That does not disappear merely because it has to or he or I wants it to.  You do not choose who you love, your heart does.  I dedicated so much love and energy to him and I know that my heart was made to love him.  I mapped out the next few years of my life, between my next year, him moving, us moving to California, getting married, etc.  All of my future involved him, us as a couple - that does not just go away because you think it is time to move on.  I do not even know if I want to stop loving him, to be honest, because even though it is painful, I know it is what my heart is meant to do.  So, after some heavy tears and me venting a bit at him, I managed to ask him if us not speaking was really what he thought was best, or was it what he wanted.  He told me something along the lines of him not having responsibility or obligation to care for me anymore, and I cannot be texting him multiple times a day and whatever... what that really means is that he does not WANT me to speak to him anymore.  I wish he could have just said that from the get-go.  Its truly awful, but I have no grounds to argue with him and I am forced to honor his wishes.

It feels like we just broke up all over again.  My heart is so hurt and all I want to do is get on a plane to California and beg him to change his mind and take it all back.  I have done some seriously thinking in the past three months, and it has not gotten even a bit easier.  In fact, I am certain that I love him just as much and miss him even more.  I have, however, come to grips with the fact that if I do not have Juan in my life, then that is it.  I do not have anyone.  I was given my shot at this, and it did not work out, regardless of who is to blame.  I know that sounds INSANELY dramatic coming from someone who is not even 25 years old.

Enough of that sappy nonsense... as I mentioned, I have not run since last Saturday and I have been eating a horribly disgusting amount of food this week.  I am somewhere around 134-135, which is unacceptable.  I ate breakfast this morning, but for lunch I am going to go out for iced coffee to power me through the afternoon.  That usually takes away my appetite for the rest of the day.  I might try the same tactic tomorrow.  Sometime later today, I would like to take a study break and go for a run, but I think it is going to rain (tomorrow's forecast is rainy too).  My friend's wedding is the last week of July. My goal is to be 125 by then.  I think it will actually look slightly dramatic on my frame, since people are used to my chubby cheeks.  The stress and busyness of the next few weeks should help get my back down to 130 and then I can focus on running a lot more when school is out.

My apologies for disappearing for a little while.  I have been keeping up with most everyone's blogs, but I have some commenting to do.

I hope everyone has lovely, stress-free plans for the weekend.  If you bothered to read this entire thing, bravo, I thank you.  If you manage to comment, you're even more special!

Oh, and Miranda and Peri, I can't comment on your blogs right now, not sure if it has to to with any of the blogger updates... but I <3 you both.