Some recent thoughts

My post-partum body is something I'm struggling to understand. I actually enjoyed being pregnant, for the most part. It wasnt until the end where I was truly uncomfortable and tired of not being able to tie my l shoes or take a deep breath. The tension between rapidly gaining approximately 40 😳 pounds and incubating a precious human, all the while being told by the midwives not too put on too much weight, resulted in a ton of internal turmoil and guilt. But then, in the end, after a traumatic birth, I finally held my tiny baby in my arms and that guilt melted away... for a while.

While I was breastfeeding (December until June), the weight came off easily in the beginning and then sort of stalled. I tried not to feel to guilty about it. But now, about a month after I stopped, I know I will never get down to my pre-pregnancy weight if I do not take some drastic action. In France, where my husband is from, there is an expectation to be back to your old (skinny) self in just three months. I'm now going on 8 months and still have 12 pounds to go to what I weighed before Jane was born, and my true (realistic) goal is a BMI of 20-21 (130-134) pounds, which seems miles and miles away... sidenote, yes yes yes I know BMI is flawed and terrible and not meant for individuals, but it's a frame of reference nevertheless...

I am trying my damndest not to pass on any of these absurd neuroses and weight obsessions to Jane. That means I my "drastic" measures still need to be tempered and stealthy. I've started by cutting the vast majority of snacks, reducing my breakfast and lunch portions, drinking a ton more daytime coffee, and eschewing alcohol unless I'm in a social situation. Gosh it would be so much easier if I lived alone, though I suppose I would have never been pregnant to begin with if that were the case... and when I was alone, the last time I was skinny was in 2012... annnnnyway... the last major component is adding back some exercise.

I worked out at my local gym (HIIT classes) until I was 36 weeks and couldn't move about so easily. With my work schedule, wanting to are my husband, and navigating the baby's needs and childcare, I haven't been able to make time for the gym. I mean, I could, but it would basically mean seeing Jane for an hour a day. As it is now, she gets up between 6:30-7, I get up at 6:15, get ready and leave by 7:50 (so that's about an hour with me running around and us going on a short morning walk). My husband works from.home and has her all day. At the earliest, I get home at 5:10 and then she is asleep by 7:30. If I went to the gym, I'd be home at 6:45. Its doable, but unfair to my husband and to Jane.

My new running shoes just arrived last week, and now that the heatwave is over, I am ready to take them out for a spin. Bless my husband, who tried to gently "shame" me when I didnt get out of bed and go running this morning. I know he means well. So tomorrow, I just have to do it. If I could just manage for a few days, I'm sure I could make a habit of it.

So that's that.

How and where is everyone? I'm having a hard time replying to comments or commenting on blogs from my phone. I have multiple Google "identities" and can't seem to be able to get the browser to stick with the one I use for this blog. So thanks to those of you who commented on my last post.

I would love to know where some of my old blog friends are... Ruby, Mich, Miranda, Peri, Eloise, Sam Lupin, Lulu, Bella, Aye Ell, & Avy...