At this moment

I have been feeling so good and free and nonchalant. It has been such a long time since I exhibited any kind of disordered behaviors. I eat normal meals and even decadent treats without feeling guilty for the first time in ten years.

But then, it hits me like a ton of bricks. I feel so insanely large and uncomfortable in my own skin. Undeserving of the beautiful love of my fiancé. Unworthy of this wedding celebration in two months. Who wants to look at a fat girl in a white dress? The whole idea of standing in front of even just my small handful of people and having them look at my gluttonous body makes me want to cry.

Why must these thoughts continue to haunt me? Rationally, I full well know that my worth as a person is not inversely proportions to my mass. So why is it so easy for my to convince myself it's true?

I am tired of wavering between satisfaction and disgust... with my clothes not fitting... with crying over a candid photograph.

And yet, I know this is essentially all in my head. My body is a clinically healthy size that is capable of great things, but I wish it could be capable of those things while taking up significantly less space. I continue to delude myself that shrinking will make my problems disappear... When  we all know that's not true. 

We all deserve health and happiness, even you... even me... but how do we get there?  Healthy minds and healthy bodies, indefinitely?


Ruby Tuesday said...

We get by doing the things you are doing
Finding love
Falling in love
Getting engaged
Getting married
Putting one foot in front of the other
And keeping going
I have to remind myself at least ten times a day that my weight is healthy
And I am not over weight
It sounds like you still see yourself through a distorted view
And often that's the last behaviour that leaves unfortunately

But hang in there
You have so much more better things in your life than a dress size

Much love and so excited to hear all about your wedding and honeymoon x

AVY said...

I think there will always be good and bad days, and that's fine as long as you remember it when you're at the bottom.


Miranda said...

I have those exact. same. thoughts. Why can't we just accept that fact that we are NOT obese? It's so frustrating. Your wedding is in 2 months!! So exciting. You need to treasure it and smash these thoughts away. Glad you are having moments of peace if if temporary.

Mich said...

It's part of the recovery process I think, gradually getting better at dealing with the thoughts that surface after a long time of being without them. I like to think of myself as *mostly* recovered, but I still get days where I want to take a machete to my midsection and arms and thighs etc and carve out half of it. But each time those thoughts pop up, it gets a little bit easier to to tell them to feck off.

You're beautiful. You will look stunning in any dress you put on. And your fiance probably won't even notice the dress because he'll be too distracted by how lovely and beautiful YOU are. <3


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