Do I keep going? Keep writing?

As most of you know, I have been sort of neglecting this blog as of late.  I sit down and read through my daily feed, filled with genuine care and concern for the young women I have come to know through this community.  I don't comment much - usually because of a technological inconvenience, which is hardly a valid excuse.  And when it comes to writing, well, maybe my heart is not really in it at the moment?  Maybe I no longer need this outlet as I once did?

My life has finally settled into some sort of homeostasis and stability.  I love my job.  I live in an affordable, cute, albeit quirky place with my darling little cat.  I have time for my favorite hobbies of knitting and running (though I have not been running much, more on that later).  My beloved Frenchman comes to visit regularly and I have traveled to France four times this year.  With this exception of my ridiculously high weight, I really cannot complain about my life.  Granted, there are snags here and there, but if feels good to be emotionally and relatively financially stable.  I feel content in my little life for now and I am generally happy.

So where does this leave my little diary of a blog?

I know I mentioned meeting with a nutritionist back at the beginning of October.  I saw her twice and I have two skype-date follow-up appointments for this month and next.  She has given me wise (but perhaps obvious) advice and strategies for getting my eating under control without feeling obsessive and disordered.  I lost a few pounds when I started seeing her, but then I gained them back when Benjamin was here.  And yet, despite the fact that I am displeased with my current figure and frustrated that my clothes do not fit, I am somehow not freaking out.  Of course I have bad days where I have cried and pinched my fat and bemoaned what I have done to this body.  But for the most part, I have stopped compulsively getting on the scale and berating myself.  I have eaten dessert and drank delicious wine.  I have lapsed in my exercise habits (There is no dayliiiight! And it is cold!  And it snowed last week!) but I am merely disappointed in losing fitness, not the fact that I neglected to burn X calories on a 5-mile run.

It is fascinating to me to be in a relatively healthy headspace.  Much of that is because my life had sort of settled into a decent routine, and the other portion is being in a supportive, healthy relationship.

So what do I do with this little blog?  My life is not really remarkable, so there is not much to report on there.  Maybe I am just putting pressure on myself to write something worthwhile and no one else really gives a damn.  So should I close it altogether?  I love keeping up with everyone and always wonder what happens to those ladies who eventually stop writing and sort of disappear.  I always hope they have found peace and recovery.  I am not really sure what I want to do.  When I felt the most disordered, I was compelled to write and have people who truly understood me read my words.  But now... I don't know... Maybe I have outgrown this space.

We will see what I decide to do.  Maybe this content feeling is temporary and I will go on a downswing if I gain more weight, or if something disrupts my little happy bubble.  And then there is that teensy tiny voice in the back of my head that actually misses being compulsive and having disordered habits - mainly because they work, even if they are unhealthy and unsustainable.  I guess that is not really a sign of total mental health, is it?  But the voice is tiny and I really do not pay it much attention.





Not much other news except that I am quite sure I'll be getting engaged at Christmas and I am spending New Year's Eve in London.  Hooray for the little happy moments, right?  I hope everyone is well.  I truly do.