While I was there, I was feeling beyond self conscious about being in a bathing suit, but I managed to deal with it. Now, I started Insanity, and I've been eating more carbs and fat than I ever do in the states. The combination is not working... I've gained about three pounds since I arrived, but I thought I would be losing! I only eat at regular meal times, hardly a snack. In Rome I was doing ok, since I was walking constantly... But now, I'm just not active enough to justify what I eat.
Today, I ate a modest breakfast and am just going to have an espresso for lunch. I know that isn't the best option, but I think my brain needs a little break from food today. It's not restriction, it's just that I need a breather. Does that make sense? I just want to live on veggies and smoothies, but it's not really possible.
When I get back in September, I'm determined to start insanity again. I've made it through two weeks already and it's great. I know I would see much better results if I was controlling my eating and being more disciplined.
What else? Well, things with Allan are about to implode. I imagine a month from now we will barely be talking.... His (unofficially ex) wife is having his baby in August. I think that's just a little too much for me to handle. If he was already divorced, it would be different. But the fact is, he's not, and won't be for a long time. I don't think he totally understands that love just isn't enough to keep us together. I know he truly loves me. I believe him when he says it. But I can't go all-in with him, I just feel like there are a million things in the way. Anyway, I'm trying to just remain supportive and be there for him right now. We can reassess when I come home, but I don't have a good feeling about it.
I've been trying to catch up on everyone's blogs, but feedly had a major bug when google reader shut down. Everything is working again, but I'm wayyyyyyyy behind on Peri's blogs and Lulu's videos.
Today I am returning to Paris and then visiting Pauline's boyfriend in Munich. He is working there for the summer. Her sister and sisters's boyfriend, and two of our other friends are all joining us. Should be a good, easy weekend. I still have more than 6 weeks before I have to start my real life, and I'm trying to just let my brain rest and my soul heal. I've been having lots of good talks with Popi's mom and grandmother. It helps. And I've been applying for many, many jobs. I had an interview this week and will hopefully hear soon.
Time for a deep breath and a few cups of tea. I can't help but think, every time I look in the mirror, that I am so huge. I know I'm not morbidly obese, but I hate hate hate that feeling of being at the high end of my normal fluctuation. I always want to be below my lowest. Especially here, where so many people are thin. Even my French grammie told me yesterday not to eat so much. And on top of that, it's summer and very hot here... You can't wear pants and sweaters.
Sigh. Trying not to be ungrateful and get out of my own head.
4 comments:
You are so lucky to be in Europe! How awesome. Continue to relax and re group. As for Allen. I'd say a baby on the way is a big NO. If it's meant to be you can get together after the divorce. You are way too young to be dealing with that. I'm sure he does love you; but like you said that's not enough. My ex loved me when he lied about living with his ex. The actions have to match the words and if he can't get divorced for whatever reasons then the time is not now. That's just my opinion!!
Europe sounds amazing. An island holiday home, no less!
It makes sense that you want a break without having to think about food, but I imagine it'd be an easy pattern to fall into. Hopefully when you return home, you'll be more comfortable with food and exercise from being in a 'safe' environment. I think it's always far more stressful to eat in unfamiliar environments, with unfamiliar foods.
I'm sorry you have to deal with such a messy situation with Allan. I can't imagine what that's like. I hope you find some form of clarity about it soon. You deserve true happiness and pure love; don't settle for any less.
Take care dear xx
It's great to get an an update sweetie
And thank you so much for the beautiful postcards
I think summer can be a difficult time for us, what with the hot weather and having to wear less clothes
But you are doing it
You aren't letting this thing get in your way and that is amazing
So well done for wearing your bathing suit, that's huge!
Enjoy yourself as much as you can
The summer will be over before we know
Much love my dear x
OMG I GOT YOUR POSTCARDS YESTERDAY EEEEEEEEEEEE I'M SO EXCITED THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!1!
I say postcards plural because Miles still doesn't realise things addressed to 'Ana Peridot' are for ME and we're getting a lot of mail for my bro's old flatmates so one was on the bench under a pile of Debt Collector bills for In-Jail-MsTwatface than I binned today *sigh*
OMFG I wish I could be there with you knitting and drinking coffee and providing moral support.
Love you so so so much Dese *hug attacks*
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