Frustrated

I was doing SO well the last few days - skipping breakfast, sticking to raw fruits and vegetables with the occasional slice of gluten-free bread and soy yogurt here and there.  Yesterday morning, I ran 7 miles before I even truly began my day, skipped breakfast again in lieu of iced coffee and had a light salad for lunch.  After my run I was 134.0 even - the lowest I have been in ages (and don't even get me started on how gross it is that last August/September I was down to 132 and still dropping).

Then, I went to my friend's birthday gathering - chips, guacamole, salads - too much salt - then someone persuaded me to have a bite (that turned into four) of ICE CREAM CAKE (I am a VEGAN FOR GOODNESS SAKE!) from this wonderful creamery called Cliff's that is a North-Jersey institution.  I had sangria.  This morning, I got my just desserts and weight 138.  138!!!  I gained four whole pounds of water/food/disgusting fat OVERNIGHT.

FML

Today, I skipped breakfast again.  For lunch I had gluten-free flatbread I made the other day, a salad of corn, tomato, cucumber, herbs, and a light vinaigrette - and because I have no self-control, two spoonfuls of left-over frosting from the cupcakes I baked the other day (which, at the time, I had NONE - unheard of for me, I always taste-test, but I rocked it and gave everything to my friend's mom to sell at the farmer's market).  I think that starting now, I need to just fast  - a good clean, water, tea, juice fast to clear my body and my brain.  I was feeling so good at 134.  My dress that I want to wear next Sunday was fitting much better, even after just a few pounds and I finally had a lick of confidence about my weight (which is crazy, considering I should have been to my 118-120 goal AGES AGO).

I have the numbers counting down from 132 to 124 written in dry-erase marker on my mirror - I have not even been at 132 in months.  I need to stop kidding myself and start denying myself food.  I want to be a healthy, athletic, organic, vegan, encouraging and positive person who people think eat healthily and smartly without being crazy - but let's be honest - I just have the sort of constitution that doesn't allow me even little luxuries.  If I do not cut out major groups of food - like carbohydrates and fatty nuts, I gain.

So now, I just need to do a better job.  The only carbohydrate I will allow myself will be quinoa, on occasion, like the night before my long training runs (I am beginning week five of my half-marathon training plan).  Nuts are out, not even my beloved almond and peanut butters.  Salad dressings will be made without oil. Fruits, vegetables, and the only truly caloric thing will be soy yogurt.  Otherwise, I need to just fuel my body with fruits and veggies.  I can still run and train on caffeine and plants.  I will never lose weight otherwise.

Thank you for all of the positive comments regarding my new school plans.  I am not exactly sure how the next month is going to sort out, but at least I have something to look forward to.

Has anyone heard from our beloved Adeline lately?

Let's send some prayers Lita's way so she will be signed this week.  We all know from her photos, persistent nature, and disciplined regimen that she will be a lovely model.

And some prayers for Zette so her foot and ankle heal quickly and she can run again.

Mich, I picked up knitting as a way to relieve stress - have you ever tried it?

Please give your support and love to Dani.

And Peri.

Isobel, I just read you're going to PARIS!  My favorite city.  You are going to have a fabulous time and with your latest weigh-in I am certain you are looking fabulous and elegant as ever.

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Sorry I am all over the place and terribly disappointing.  I am trying to do better and be thinner.

4 comments:

Ayden said...

You're doing a great job of getting back on track.
I only wish I had the self control to behave myself like you.
Keep up the good work, love!
xoxo

Cierra said...

We're all in it with you. I've been in the 130s this whole summer. I should be 120 by now. I've recently totally cut out carbs too, except these 100% bran crackers that are only 12 calories per cracker and 5g fiber each. Gotta get stuff moving in there! You'll get it together. Look forward to your awesome future :)

Amber said...

That's how binges usually start- with one bite. Sweets seem to be "gateway" foods for a lot of us. Eat a little bit and then it turns into a binge. The lbs you gained are not "real" pounds- just keep telling yourself that. Your weight will go back down soon!

You CAN be the healthy, athletic encouraging and positive person you want to be! There's nothing stopping your from that. We all have our trouble foods (for you- carbs and nuts, for me it's bread and sweets). You will be able to get down to your goal weight- you've just fallen into a little slump is all, but you can come out on top and be stronger than you were before.

Dani said...

ur dong good hun i wish i coudl skip meals and still workout buti cant i get dizzy when i do eat its nuts
just hangin there ur doing great and the weight will come off once u dont stress os much

 

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