The past few weeks have been full of stress, and old habits are starting to creep back.
Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I am not resulting to over-exercising. I am quite out of shape at the moment, and combining that with being way too busy, I have only carved out a bit of time for a bit of biking and running and yoga. Most nights I have simply been too tired when I arrive home to bother going to the gym. Of course I then feel insanely guilty and my self-destructive thoughts are reinforced.
Work has been crazy for more than a month... which is ok. I do like to be busy and I am working on great projects. This week, I directed an emergency training exercise with evaluators from our state agency, hospitals, the Red Cross, and more than twenty-five staff members and volunteers. For the most part, everything went off without a hitch and my boss and the state evaluators were thrilled with the exercise. Its nice to see your planning and efforts some to fruition. But, since I have several more pressing projects, I need to write myself a detailed schedule to prepare for the next six weeks before Benjamin arrives (more on that in a moment).
Personally, my life has been fine with the exception of missing my husband and trying to support a friend through a VERY difficult time. It is hard to be strong and supportive for her when the situation is so challenging and depressing. I am trying my absolute best to be there for her, but she has made a handful of bad choices in addition to being dealt a crappy hand at the game of life. I hope that something starts looking up for her soon... in the meantime, it makes me viciously miss my husband... I just want to talk to him in bed before we fall asleep and have someone to give me a big hug when it all makes me so sad that I cry. It makes me miss my family a lot too, since many of her problems stem from her toxic parents and how they have really messed up her ability to have normal relationships and be independent. My parents and I do not always get along perfectly, but the situation makes me incredibly grateful to have loving, supportive parents. It is hard to realize how lucky you are when a good family is your normal.
As a result... and maybe it is a good sign that I so quickly recognize that the stress + loneliness = weird eating patterns... old habits have been resurfacing. Nothing major... skipping a breakfast here, enjoying a rumbling stomach there. I haven't bothered to see if I have lost any weight - though I doubt it. It would be nice, but I want to try and hang onto healthy, even if it still makes me super sad that I am too heavy and too many of my beautiful clothes don't fit.
Not really sure where I am going with all of this...
Benjamin arrives soon. August 24th to be exact. While it would be lovely to have jet-setted to France to being our new life, it makes much more economic and practical sense for us to begin here. So for the time being, I will have to be satisfied with a trip or two to Europe every year and my beautiful, kind, French husband by my side here in the States. We are obviously so fortunate, so I wouldn't dare complain. At this point, we are simply so excited to be on the same continent, that it wouldn't matter if we were in France, America, or Siberia.
It is weird to be excited and stressed and sad and hopeful and hating my body all at once. I suppose it is fortunate that the positive thoughts mostly beat out the negative ones, but I feel like I will never be able to let go of the desire to be thin. I didn't know how good I had it when I was easily and consistently fifteen pounds smaller. Even then, I was sure I was fat. Now that I actually am, I lust after the past and have trepidations for the future. What if the feeling goes away? What if I am never comfortable in my own skin? What if I am doomed to a life of trying to be thin and never achieving the goal? It's a bit heavy (pun intended?) to think about.
I miss writing here and interacting with everyone. I's my own fault for neglecting the space. How is everyone?
- désespérée de maigrir
- I hate: my weight. I love: being a vegetarian, France, tulips & poppies, anything by Paul Coehlo, baby animals, gin, knitting, dresses, kirs, cake decorating, Johnny Swim & Matt Nathanson, running, Casablanca, my best friends and family, and an amazing French man who makes everything in this world so much easier to take on
running goals motivation gain fat too ashamed to weigh in traveling school gym sad thinspo 130 fast no weight 132 heartbroken quick update 137 133 stressed Benjamin 129 Juan counting calories 134 knitting too embarrassed to weigh in 131 135 shopping 136 France baking Pauline 127 128 Allan dysmorphia friends 138 California busy gratitude wedding relief Christmas Insanity tired 126 challenge cooking detox searching yoga Louisette birthday exciting news plan plateau surprised Paris Rome about me advice crazy roommate d to weigh in the beginning
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