Dealing with stress

The past few weeks have been full of stress, and old habits are starting to creep back.

Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I am not resulting to over-exercising.  I am quite out of shape at the moment, and combining that with being way too busy, I have only carved out a bit of time for a bit of biking and running and yoga.  Most nights I have simply been too tired when I arrive home to bother going to the gym.  Of course I then feel insanely guilty and my self-destructive thoughts are reinforced.

Work has been crazy for more than a month... which is ok.  I do like to be busy and I am working on great projects.  This week, I directed an emergency training exercise with evaluators from our state agency, hospitals, the Red Cross, and more than twenty-five staff members and volunteers.  For the most part, everything went off without a hitch and my boss and the state evaluators were thrilled with the exercise.  Its nice to see your planning and efforts some to fruition.  But, since I have several more pressing projects, I need to write myself a detailed schedule to prepare for the next six weeks before Benjamin arrives (more on that in a moment).

Personally, my life has been fine with the exception of missing my husband and trying to support a friend through a VERY difficult time.  It is hard to be strong and supportive for her when the situation is so challenging and depressing.  I am trying my absolute best to be there for her, but she has made a handful of bad choices in addition to being dealt a crappy hand at the game of life.  I hope that something starts looking up for her soon... in the meantime, it makes me viciously miss my husband... I just want to talk to him in bed before we fall asleep and have someone to give me a big hug when it all makes me so sad that I cry.  It makes me miss my family a lot too, since many of her problems stem from her toxic parents and how they have really messed up her ability to have normal relationships and be independent.  My parents and I do not always get along perfectly, but the situation makes me incredibly grateful to have loving, supportive parents.  It is hard to realize how lucky you are when a good family is your normal.

As a result... and maybe it is a good sign that I so quickly recognize that the stress + loneliness = weird eating patterns... old habits have been resurfacing.  Nothing major... skipping a breakfast here, enjoying a rumbling stomach there.  I haven't bothered to see if I have lost any weight - though I doubt it.  It would be nice, but I want to try and hang onto healthy, even if it still makes me super sad that I am too heavy and too many of my beautiful clothes don't fit.

Not really sure where I am going with all of this...

Benjamin arrives soon.  August 24th to be exact.  While it would be lovely to have jet-setted to France to being our new life, it makes much more economic and practical sense for us to begin here.  So for the time being, I will have to be satisfied with a trip or two to Europe every year and my beautiful, kind, French husband by my side here in the States.  We are obviously so fortunate, so I wouldn't dare complain.  At this point, we are simply so excited to be on the same continent, that it wouldn't matter if we were in France, America, or Siberia.

It is weird to be excited and stressed and sad and hopeful and hating my body all at once.  I suppose it is fortunate that the positive thoughts mostly beat out the negative ones, but I feel like I will never be able to let go of the desire to be thin.  I didn't know how good I had it when I was easily and consistently fifteen pounds smaller.  Even then, I was sure I was fat.  Now that I actually am, I lust after the past and have trepidations for the future.  What if the feeling goes away?  What if I am never comfortable in my own skin?  What if I am doomed to a life of trying to be thin and never achieving the goal?  It's a bit heavy (pun intended?) to think about.

I miss writing here and interacting with everyone.  I's my own fault for neglecting the space. How is everyone?


Ruby Tuesday said...

Oh hun do good to get a update
It doesn't matter how little or often you post we are all here for you
And that doesn't change

I'm sorry that things are tough right now
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate
What with work
And tying to support your friend
You are kind hearted
Just don't forget to take care of you
Put your own oxygen mask on first
Before helping anyone else

Babe I have seen your wedding photos
And believe me you are not fat
Or overweight
Or even pudgy
You are slim and petite and beautiful
I know we don't see it ourselves
Heck I am convinced that I am fat too
But take it from me
You are not

I'm sure you are counting the days until you seevBenjaninm
Just think
It will be all the sweeter when you do see him
You know the way you have to experience pain in order to know true happiness?
I think this is similar
You have to experience the lonliness
In order to appreciate being with him
If that makes sense

Love you hun
Text me anytime x

Miranda said...

So excited that you will finally get to live with your man. Imagine that. You guys probably won't be able to believe it's real at first.

Eloise18 said...

I love your wedding photos <3
Having not caught up on your blog for such a long time you do seem healthier, not completely ok but...less intense?

Bella said...

I'm sorry things are so rough right now. I hope things will calm down a little once Benjamin gets there, but I know things will be less stressful with him there regardless. It's got to be hard being so far apart, especially as newlyweds.

I know it's hard, but ultimately you have you take care of yourself first. You're a good friend for offering support when your friend needs it, and the works needs more people like you, but I hope you're able to pull back if it starts to have a real negative impact on you.

Keep trying to hang on. I've just replied to your email. Sorry it's taken me so long - words are hard to find.



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