My weight is finally going down a little bit, slowly but surely.

I am feeling a bit stressed, as my current job (I am filling in as a receptionist at the veterinary practice where I always worked during college/before grad school) is kind of insane AND my job offer is kind of on the rocks.  Basically, I failed the civil service requirements for the position (it's the state-level HR who decides that, even though it is the county that is hiring me).  So, my future boss's solution was to propose to his personnel department that they change the job title and experience requirements (they counted me as being 8 months shy of having the required work experience) so that it will be a sure thing.  As long as the county government approves the change on November 13th, I will begin working under a provisional basis on December 5th.  Then, the position must be publicly posted.  The only thing that could lose me this position would be if a veteran applies for it during that provisional period.  The chances of that are slim, but essentially I could work in the position for three to four months and then lose it.  I am trying to stay hopeful without being excited.  On the upside, since I will not begin my new job before Benjamin arrives, I will have plenty of time to spend with him (the big downside being that my funds for entertaining him will be severely limited).

I stopped doing Insanity when I realized that I cannot waste all of the beautiful running weather we have been having.  I have been doing a fair bit of trail running and yoga with my friend who is training to be a yoga instructor.  Unfortunately, I have completely wiped out on the trail twice in the past few weeks - there are so many leaves!  It's hard to see where you are running, and on Thursday I went for a short, but intense run (a little over 4 miles total with the first and last miles at 5k race pace) and fell flat on my face somewhere at the end of the 4th mile. This weekend I was able to run some more and went hiking with my friend.  Today I ran another four miles, and I am feeling pretty good in that department.

Eating has been… ok?  I have been eating mostly three square meals.  I skip meals occasionally, mostly out of being busy rather than an actual effort to deprive myself of food.  With the exception of some very tempting Halloween candy at work for one or two days, I hardly eat there (kale salad, a piece of fruit, and LOTS of tea).  I know that going into the holiday season and in preparation for Benjamin's visit, I need to seriously cut back.  Today, after my run, I had a fairly large breakfast, but since I ate late, I may just skip lunch, stick to tea, and have dinner when I return from work.

Most of my clothes are fitting better again and I am feeling pretty positive in the body image department, which is a small miracle.  I still have some articles that I would like to fit better, and I would be MUCH happier if I was seeing ten pounds less on the scale each morning.  I need to remain level headed, since I know when I start this new job, I will be stressed and I want to try and avoid destructive behaviors.  Even though I am in a relatively good place at the moment, I know it does not take much to tip me to the negative side.  Even now, for example, I splurged on some fancy lingerie for when Benjamin is here, and while my friend came with me and I trusted her to give me her true and honest opinions, I felt horribly self conscious and thought to myself that I would look so much better if my thighs were that much smaller and I was X pounds lighter.  We all know that in most cases, if someone is attracted to you (of whichever gender) and you are wearing something provocative/nothing at all, they are rarely critical and are just excited at the prospect.  I know he won't judge me, so why can't I stop judging myself?


Miranda said...

I hope the job thing works out okay. It sounds like they really want you to have the position which is great. It sounds like you are in a better place with exercise and food. That is always a huge bonus. Everything else tends to follow from there. He's gonna love you in that lingerie! We are so much harder on ourselves then they are.

Bella said...

Ooh, pretty lingerie! He'll be drooling far too much to think a single judgmental thought.

Exercising out in nature is so much more enjoyable than at the gym or at home. I really want to get into hiking, it seems like such a peaceful activity, and we have lots of beautiful trails around. I'm glad you're in a relatively good place with food and body image. You're aware of where you're at, and that's the first step to keeping yourself level headed.

Take care dear xx

Mich said...

You're lovely. <3 Seriously. I see you on facebook and you're always gorgeous.
But I also realize that the thoughts in our heads rarely take that sort of thing into account. I hope those thoughts feck off.

Good luck with the job situation as well!



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